Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord
by ihadanepiphany
Summary: Vader arrives on Earth, somehow, and meets two students studying for an exam who happen to less than sane. Interested? Then click on the blue letters, you know you want to! I BROKE THREE HUNDRED!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *clears throat* thanx evry1!!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
This is the result to too much time spent with nothing to do, revising for a major state exam doesn't count as anything you know, and too many conversations with my friend who is just as much as a lunatic as I am, sometimes worse.  
  
Beth and Aisling are based on us, so if you're finding yourself lost, you're in good company!  
  
There are inside jokes, but if you would be so kind as to point them out, then I will try my best to clear them up.  
  
Enough chatter! On with the show!  
  
  
  
'Are too.'  
  
'Are not.'  
  
'Are too.'  
  
'Are not.'  
  
'Are too.'  
  
'Are not.'  
  
Vader watched the combatants, wondering for the millionth tie what they were on about, what he was doing there, and why didn't just turn his own lightsaber on himself.  
  
'Beth, the F1 generation of a homozygous dominant and a homozygous recessive if heterozygous dominant.'  
  
'Yes Aisling, but the f2 generation is one homozygous recessive, one homozygous dominant and two heterozygous dominant.'  
  
'What's F2 generation got to do with anything? I don't want to know about F2 generation. Just F1, only F1, that's it.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'She gets it at last! A miracle has occurred this night! Er, day!'  
  
'Shut the hell up Aisling.'  
  
'Bloody make me Beth.'  
  
Vader cleared his throat.  
  
'What are you two on about now?'  
  
Aisling looked from the books that were scattered all over the table in front of her. She was a human female from, whatever plant they were on now, with long brown hair, green eyes and a habit of stabbing her eraser with her pen.  
  
'Genetics,' she said.  
  
'Basic genetics,' Beth added, not looking up from her book. She was also a human female native to the planet. She had brown hair as well, though shorter and thicker than her friends, she had eyes of blue that regularly went form ice to fire at a seconds notice, while Aislings went from sarcastic humour to rage and back.  
  
The two females were sitting opposite each other at a large table, their books and notes taking up all available room. Vader stood at the wall, keeping an uneasy eye n them.  
  
He'd arrived somehow on this planet that showed on no charts or records and had walked into the first dwelling he came to. Since then he'd been yelled at, ignored, questioned, teased and had to act as referee at a number of small scuffles. And they three were the sole occupants of the house!  
  
At least he had the Force, this was the only thing that stopped him from going completely nuts. He couldn't figure out how he'd let these two survive this long. Their behaviour was intolerable, their disrespect was unbelievable and, Aisling in particular, acted with such familiarity towards him that he'd more then once been forced to keep the table between them. The other one, Beth, just seemed to acknowledge him and that was that. Why were they still living?  
  
A high-pitched ringing sounded.  
  
'Your turn,' Aisling muttered, still poring over her genetics notes. Beth growled to herself but reached across to the phone. Vader leaned forward, a type of primitive comlink, how interesting.  
  
'Hello? Beth said half-interested, still looking at her maths notes. The she sat up and grinned slyly. 'Mrs o' Connell, how are you?' Vader watched as Aislings head snapped up, a look of panic crossing her face. ~No~ she mouthed, making go away motions with her hands. 'Aisling?' ~No, you bitch no!~ 'Yes she's here.' Beth held the phone out, smirking. 'It's for you.' Glowering, Aisling took the phone.  
  
'Hey mum, yeah, yeah, no, yeah.' She scribbled something on a piece of paper and held it up so that Beth could read it. It said; "You will die a horrible death at my hand." Beth laughed quietly, grinning madly at her fiends discomfiture. 'Yes mum.' Aisling grabbed her pen and took careful aim. 'No I haven't.' The pen sped towards the target. 'Yeah, I'll do that.' The eraser never had a chance. 'No, I wont forget.' Having destroyed the eraser, she threw the pen across the room at a bulls-eye target pinned up on the wall. 'Dinner?' she asked suddenly, eyes going wide. Vader saw the smile disappear from Beth's face as the girl made no! no! gestures. 'But, but,' Aisling stammered, trying to get out. 'I have guests!' she cried, seeing Vader standing by the wall. 'No they cant come. I'm sure. No mum. No. Yes! God no! Okay, okay, yeah, alright, okay.' Aisling relaxed, the threat had passed, likewise Beth slumped in her chair. Suddenly Aisling shot to her feet, a look of absolute horror on her face. 'Who?' she asked in a voice that was only slightly more strained than normal. 'Uncle Pete?' Beths expression flickered from dread to glee and back at Aislings predicament. 'He's where? When? But, no, no I cant. Mum I cant. Mum no. No, I'm not. No I'm not!' she paused as her mother obviously cut her off, Beth on the other hand had settled for sniggering to herself and getting on with her maths. 'But. He. I.' She sighed, hanging her head. 'Alright, alright, I'll come.' She glared at Beth who flashed a smug grin at her. 'Oh mum, can I bring a friend?' Aisling jumped backwards as Beth shot out of her chair and made a grab for the phone. 'Yeah, Beth. Yeah, she'd love to come.' Beth clapped her hands over her mouth to prevent Aislings mother from hearing her, though Vader could make out exactly what she was yelling. 'No, no problem. We'll be there. Next Saturday. Yeah, okay bye.' Aisling cut her mother off and carefully set the phone down on the table, then aimed a kick at her bag that sent it flying across the dining room and out into the kitchen.  
  
'I'm not bloody going to bloody dinner with your bloody Uncle Pete!' Beth yelled. 'I can remember what happened last time!  
  
'So can I, which is why you're going,' Aisling told her firmly. 'You're the only one who'll stop me from jumping across the table and killing him with my soup spoon.'  
  
'And why would I do that?'  
  
'Cos I'll be wearing your blue dress.' Vaders helmet swivelled to see how she'd take this shot.  
  
'The hell you are! I just bought it. I haven't even worn it yet!'  
  
'And?' Aisling shot back. 'I let you wear my new dress to that date last week? You know, the black one that came back white?'  
  
Vader was extremely glad that the girls couldn't see his face, though they may have guessed something from the odd noises from his respirator.  
  
Beth flushed red.  
  
'That wasn't my fault,' she grumbled. Aisling started laughing.  
  
'I know a certain guy or three who'd disagree with you on that one. And you never paid me for the dry-cleaning.' Aisling cringed. 'I still haven't got the nerve to go back for it. So you owe me girl, you owe me big.'  
  
'Which is why I'm going to the dinner with you.'  
  
'Oh no, you're going to the dinner because if you don't I'll find out exactly what size boot your ass takes and then you'll go anyway.' Vader was slumped against the wall, literally fightin the laughter that threatened to erupt. 'You're lending me the dress to make up for my dress.'  
  
'Lending?' Beth repeated incredulously. Aisling shrugged. 'Alright you can wear it. But this is it. I no longer owe you anything.'  
  
'Yeah,' Aisling agreed, sitting down again. 'You no longer owe me anything for the dress. Vader couldn't breathe for the look on Beths face.  
  
After a few minutes, silence reigned again, though Beth shot filthy looks at her fiend on a regular basis.  
  
'What are you studying for?' Vader asked, more for the sake of asking than really wanting to know.  
  
'We're studying for the Leaving Certificate,' Aisling answered distractedly. 'It's a damn big series of exams at the end of secondary school. Basically it tests everything we've learned for the last two years in six subjects.'  
  
'Which means we're screwed cos we never paid attention to anything for the last two years in any subject,' Beth commented, closing her Maths and pulling her French to her.  
  
'Oh I dunno,' Aisling said, closing her biology book. 'You seemed to pay attention in fifth-year maths,' she grinned looking for another book. 'Or at least while that sub was in. What was his name? Mac Riardan?'  
  
'O' Riardan,' Beth corrected her, then went red as Aisling sniggered, still looking for her book. 'And that's neither here nor there, David.' (A/N this is a habit of ours, its remind someone of what/who they did in the past)  
  
'As you say, Patrick. Where the hell is my damn English book?'  
  
'Shut the hell up before I shove this chair up your hole. It's here.'  
  
'Cheers.'  
  
'You two are FRIENDS?' Vader asked, disbelieving.  
  
'The best,' Aisling said.  
  
'You should see what we're like to the people we don't like,' Beth smirked. 'Eh, Shirleen?' Aisling sniggered at the memory.  
  
'That was a good day.'  
  
'Yeah, I was there remember?' Beth reached for her mug and found it to be empty. 'Put the kettle on again Aisling, its your turn.'  
  
'Huh?' Aisling asked, mind confuzzled (A/N this is a patented word! If I find it in any other fic then asses will be flying!) by Shakespeare. 'Oh yeah.' Taking her mug and Beths she went into the kitchen. 'Two hours more,' she called, looking at the clock.  
  
'Yay,' Beth grumbled.  
  
Aisling turned to fill the kettle and nearly walked into Vader.  
  
'Excuse me,' she said, stepping around him. 'Have you nothing for doing?' Vader shrugged.  
  
'No.' Kettle filled, Aisling plugged it in. 'What are you doing?'  
  
'What, this? Boiling water for the tea.' She put teabags into the mugs then turned to face the Sith. 'How did you get here?' she asked at last, the question having bugged her since she opened the door to find him standing on the doorstep.  
  
'I don't know,' he confessed. 'I had set course for a nearby base and went into a Force-sleep. When I was awakened, I was flying through the atmosphere of this planet, then I wound up here.'  
  
'Murphy's a sadistic bastard, aint he?' Aisling commented, turning to pour the now-boiled water into the mugs.  
  
'Murphy?' Vader asked, thrown by the apparent change in conversation.  
  
'Murphy, as in Murphys' Law?' She guessed form the silence that he hadn't a clue. 'What ever can go wrong, will go wrong.'  
  
'Oh yes,' Vader muttered, remembering how the Death Star had looked as it blew. 'I know that one.'  
  
'So what were you up to?' Before the Force-sleep I mean.'  
  
'I don't think its necessary for you to know,' he replied, a touch of anger in his voice. Aisling gave him an odd look, as if to say; who are you kidding? She shrugged and took the teabags out of the tea, put milk in one and taking both mugs, went back into the dining room.  
  
'Beth, set his Lordship up on the Playstation will you?' she asked her friend.  
  
'Huh?' Beth looked up from her French. Aisling repeated the request and Beth nodded. 'Alright. Come on,' she said to Vader, passing him on the way to the sitting room. 'Here,' she said handing him the control pad when she'd the console set up. Vader took the device cautiously. 'Look, the buttons control it. The X is jump. Square is crouch. Triangle is cut with the sword and Circle is jab with it. The other buttons tell the guy where to go. You steer him,' she pointed at the TV screen. 'That's you, you gotta steer him around, without getting killed, to the top level picking up the bits and pieces on the way. Right? Good.' She went back to the dining room before Vader could tell her that he hadn't caught a word of it.  
  
He stared at the grey thing in his hand, then the figure on the screen. He pressed a button experimentally and the figure jumped. Behind his mask, Vader grinned. He could do this.  
  
Two hours later.  
  
Beth looked at her watch, then slammed her Home Ec book loudly.  
  
'Woohoo!' she cried, Homer Simpson style. Aisling glanced at her watch then closed her Art History and stretched. 'Study over!' Beth yelled. 'Celebrate good times come on!' Beth disappeared into the kitchen to raid the fridge, studying always seemed to affect her stomach more than her mind.  
  
'Oi!' Aisling yelled, racing after her. 'Don't touch the lasagne! The lasagne is mine!'  
  
Vader looked up from the TV, the small control dangling from a black-gloved hand. Since the little buttons were too difficult to use with is thick gloves, he was manipulating the game via the Force. While he was distracted, a spear came out of nowhere and skewered his character. It was his last life. Vader stared at the screen as it went black and a red skull flashed.  
  
'Game over?'  
  
Beth and Aisling froze as a loud roar sounded from the sitting room.  
  
'Beth,' Aisling said carefully. 'Vader's playing the Playstation, yeah?'  
  
'Yep.'  
  
'Think he lost?'  
  
'Yep.'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Yep.'  
  
The girls glanced at each other as they heard the Sith coming out of the sitting room, then broke and ran for it, skidding to a halt when Vaders form filled the doorway in front of them. Beth suddenly realized just how big he was, he had to bend and turn slightly sideways to get in the door.  
  
'Er, hi?' Aisling squeaked, suddenly noticing that the black gloves were in fists and one was straying to the lightsaber on his belt.  
  
'Do you think he's compensating for something?' Beth breathed, quoting Shrek and talking about Vaders height and girth. To Aisling of course, the comment meant something completely different. And so she promptly dissolved into a fit of giggles.  
  
Both Beth and Vader stared at the girl who was having to lean on her friends shoulder, odd noises coming from behind the hand she had clamped over her mouth.  
  
'What's she laughing at?' Vader asked, somewhat irked. Beth shrugged, then noticed what Aisling did and it clicked in her head.  
  
'Oh Gods Aisling!' she cried. 'I didn't mean it like that! How could you even think of that!' She started giggling and was soon as afflicted as Aisling, who was now sitting on the floor completely unable to breathe for the laughing.  
  
Vader stared at them for a few moments, then turned and stalked off to have another go on the Playstation. Again wondering why they still lived.  
  
  
  
In case you haven't guess, we are lunatics. And I have the filthiest mind ever to reside in a gutter. You have been warned. So do review, or not, either way this will be continued, whether you like it or not. This cannot be stopped! It will not be stopped! And…yeah you get the picture. 


	2. Of Warpdrives and Cider

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
I'm having good fun with this! The next scene is based on a conversation that me and another friend (who cannot remember that its Star Wars and not Star Trek. The girl's on a right road to a short life-span) had a few days ago. I've refined Aislings reply, but that basically is what I said, though admittedly not so smoothly. I got a round of applause from complete strangers when I was done. That was a good day!  
  
I was so not expecting four reviews, its been up, what twelve hours? I'm not complaining!! Thanx to you guys, What does LMAO mean anyway, DragonElf- 86?  
  
No prob Celestisa Vitaria, and if they're nuts then you'll definetly be hearing from me!  
  
Lastjediprincess, thanxthanxthanx!  
  
Biblehermione, why would Vader kill us? He luvs us! Well maybe not luve, maybe not even like, but…. What was I saying? Agh! Now I'm confuzzled again!  
  
Enough of me chatting, here's some more of the story.  
  
=============================================================  
  
  
  
Aisling and Beth ate their respective dinners in relative silence, in relation to what they were normally like anyway. Finally Beth put her fork down and looked at her best friend.  
  
'So what are we going to do with ol' Scuba Gear?' (A/N David Prowse had a scuba mouthpiece in the mask to make the noise. Useless trivia rules!) Aisling swallowed her mouthful of lasagne and shrugged.  
  
'He doesn't even know how he got here, how am I supposed to know how to send him back?' Beth shrugged, pouring herself a glass of milk.  
  
'You're the fanatic.'  
  
'Only in Star Wars sweetie, you're just as bad with Harry Potter you know.'  
  
'And proud of it. But, you're supposed to know all about the warpdrive and stuff.' Aisling winced.  
  
'Hyperdrive Beth. Warpdrive is for Star Trek, hyperdrive is for Star Wars.' Beth made a "whatever" motion.  
  
'What's the diff?'  
  
'Oh nothing much, just, you know, the Force.' Aisling chewed a piece of pasta in thought. 'And Obi Wan Kenobi, Owen Lars, Beru Lars, Yoda the Wisest of the Wise, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia Organa, Han Solo, the Mighty Chewbacca, Lando Calrission, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett the Great, Anakin Skywalker,' She made a motion in the direction of the sitting room, 'Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Bail Organa, Mon Mothma, Wedge Antilles, C- 3PO, R2-D2, Correllian Corvettes, Correllia, Coruscant, Alderaan, Tatooine, Kashyyk, Hoth, Dagoba, Dantooine, Bespin, Yavin, Endor.' She took a deep breath, while Beth stared at her, the dinners forgotten. 'Ewoks, Twi'leks, Ugnaughts, Ithorians, Hutts, Rodians, Bith, Dugs, Graans, Trandoshans, Gamorreans, Bo'marr Monks, Bo'marr Brain-walkers, Rancors, Sarlacc, Weequay, Wookies, the Millennium Falcon, Y-Wings, X-wings, B-wings, and A- wings, TIE fighters, X-1 TIE Advanced fighters, TIE bombers, Star Destroyers, Super Star Destroyers, the Death Star, Stormtroopers, Snowtroopers, AT-AT's, AT-ST's, swoop bikes, podracers, podracing, speeders, snowspeeders, Taun-Tauns, Dewbacks, Banthas, Tusken Raiders, Jawas, droids, battle droids, the Trade Federation, the Senate, the Imperial Senate, the Dark Side and the Force.' Aisling grinned at her friends dazed expression as she took a drink of water.  
  
'That's all?' she asked after a moment. 'You said the Force twice by the way.'  
  
' I know, but I couldn't think of a better way to end the list and anyway all things begin and end with the Force, do they not? That's only some of the differences. If you want detail….'  
  
'No! No, that's quite alright.'  
  
'I, would like some more details,' Vader said from the doorway. 'I had not realized that you knew so much.' Beth was facing the door and Aisling, so it was she who saw Aislings eyes widen and not Vader. When she spoke however, it was in her normal voice.  
  
'Sure, what do you want to know?' she asked, picking up a piece of half- cold pasta. Though Beth couldn't see Vaders expression, she could tell that he was somewhat taken aback. Clearly the Sith was not used to people volunteering information, or at least of their own free will and not when they seemed to have nothing to gain.  
  
'The rebels,' Vader said after a moment. 'Where are they, what are they doing?' Aisling smiled and took a drink of water before turning in her seat to look at Vader.  
  
'There are few questions with so many answers,' she said cryptically. She stared at the ceiling, swirling the glass gently in her hand. 'What were you doing before you came here?' she asked, in a faraway voice. 'What was the biggest recent event, I mean.'  
  
'Is that necessary?' Vader growled. Aisling glanced down at him for a moment then back at the ceiling.  
  
'If you want accurate information, yes. If you want information from, I dunno, five years ago, ten years ago, thirty years ago, then no, its not necessary.' Vader growled in his throat, an oddly creepy sound when transmitted through his respirator.  
  
'The Death Star was attacked by Rebels,' he said in a tightly controlled voice. Beth opened her mouth to ask which one, but the look Aisling shot her kept her silent.  
  
'Where?'  
  
'Orbiting Yavin.' Aisling looked down into her glass, staring so intently into the clear liquid that Beth had to restrain herself from craning to see.  
  
'A battle,' Aisling said at last. 'There will be a battle on a remote planet for,' she shook her head, as if in frustration. 'I don't know what it is,' she lied. 'Something that will cause much bloodshed on both sides.'  
  
'When?' Vader hissed. Aisling looked at him, her green eyes seeming to look past the black lenses of the mask and into the blue eyes behind them.  
  
'When you get a notification from a Planetary Governor stationed on the Outer Rim about two Rebel prisoners.'  
  
'Who?' Aisling eyes unfocused, then she shook her head.  
  
'I cant remember. I apologize,' she said, grinning ruefully and rubbing her forehead. 'My knowledge of such things would be much better if I didn't have a head like a sieve.'  
  
'Understood,' Vader said graciously though he was still seething, nodding his head. 'I thank you for the information.' Aisling bowed her head in return. Then slumped in her chair when Vader disappeared to finish off that damn game.  
  
'Aisling,' Beth hissed, then stopped when Aisling made a sharp chopping gesture.  
  
'Beth, how about a beer?' Aisling asked, standing up and carrying her plate to the sink. She disappeared out the back door to the garage before the girl could answer.  
  
Beth closed the garage door behind her; Aisling was sitting on the top of a stack of boxes, an open can of cider in her hand.  
  
'Wont your uncle mind?' Beth asked. Aisling shrugged.  
  
'At this point in time Beth my dear I couldn't give a flying rats scrotum sack about what my uncle thinks of me raiding his stash.' She drank a slug of the cider. 'I'll buy more tomorrow to make it up,' she added.  
  
'Grand so.' Beth reached into the fridge and got a can of cider for herself. 'Why so uptight?' she asked, snapping the top of the can.  
  
'Oh, nothing really,' Aisling sighed. 'Just that there's a Sith Lord in my uncles house who now, that's to my bloody need to show off, knows that I know practically everything there is to know about the Star Wars universe. Right now he thinks its because I keep up with events or something, but sooner or later, something'll slip and then he'll know that I not only know what has happened and what is happening, but also what will happen.' She took another, longer drink. 'Not much imagination needed to know what he'll do then. So excuse me if I get horribly drunk tonight.'  
  
'Don't let me stop you,' Beth said, as she watched Aisling chug the rest of the can before throwing the empty into a corner and getting another. She took her first slug of her can as Aisling opened her second. 'What are you going to do?' she asked. 'After getting horribly drunk I mean.'  
  
'Play it by ear, and hope the tune don't change,' Aisling replied. 'You know, the usual strategy.' Beth raised her can in mock-salute.  
  
'May the best evil-minded person win.'  
  
Vader stared thoughtfully at the TV screen. Something was bugging him, something about what the girl had said. Something about the rebels.  
  
Ah yes.  
  
Behind his mask Vader smiled slowly. He had already sent a message to the nearest ship and it was waiting just outside of this planets pitiful sensor droids. Maybe it was time to leave. But what kind of guest would he be if he didn't at least invite his hosts for a visit to the ship?  
  
And if he took the, Playstation was it? If he took the contraption with him, he might actually be able to kill that damn Last Lord!  
  
  
  
Yeah I know it's a bit darker, but it does lighten up. It does! I've written more already and I cant read it without falling of the chair, so there!  
  
But you cant see it till I get at least another four reviews for this chapter. Hehehe! Yeah, greed works fine for me.  
  
By the way, the legal drinking age over here is 18 and both myself and my friend are 18, so no illegalness is being commited, with the cider anyway. 


	3. Songs and Stormtroopers Dont Mix

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
This part is funnier than the last, it really is! I was told by my friend that it was awful depressing, but I had to put in the reason why Vader brought Aisling and Beth to the ship. By the way, I'm not sure if its meant to be the Executor or not, if anyone knows will they please tell me?  
  
Some little things.  
  
Things about inside jokes si that since I can understand them , I cant tell when I'm putting them in, so if theres something that you guys cant understand tell me!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: like I said with the inside jokes above. And I know that Vader can tell when someones lying, but for the purpose of this fic, he cant, k?  
  
Pitbull girl: can do, will do and, yeah you know what im saying.  
  
Jay-Cee: yes you bloody are and I should know. By the way, use THAT again, and I'll post a picture of MICHAEL WAYNE on with this fic so that everyone can see exactly what your taste in men is like. For all who are not Jay- Cee, sorry.  
  
Random vaderfan: you're right he does need craziness, and he's getting it by the ton aint he?  
  
Celestia Vitaria, any time cant wait to see what you do to poor Qui-gon, *snigger*  
  
I hope you enjoy this, and reviews as always are accepted with much thanks and kudos  
  
Enjoy!  
  
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The lieutenant stared fixedly at a point to the right of the black helmet in front of him. A small tic jumping constantly under his right eye.  
  
' I was in charge of the squad of six to apprehend the females as per your instructions my lord. The females were in a small outhouse to the rear of the dwelling,' the lieutenant said, starting his report. 'They appeared to be consuming alcoholic beverages and there were empty containers scattered around them. Despite this, they seemed extremely lucid. We entered the outhouse and they saw us.'  
  
'What was their reaction?' Vader asked. The tic became more pronounced and Vader stared at it, oddly fascinated.  
  
'They looked at us my lord and then,' the officer paused. 'The taller one (A/N Aisling) said, 'hey look, they want to join the party.' Then the other one said, (A/N Obviously Beth) she said, 'I got the one on the right.' ' Vader stared at the officer.  
  
' 'I got the one on the right'?' he repeated.  
  
'Yes my lord. We were surprised by this, but we went to apprehend them. They put up no resistance at all, they actually.' The officer halted, shaking. Vader snapped his fingers in front of the mans eyes and he snapped back into focus. 'I apologize my lord. I, I,'  
  
'Continue with the report,' Vader snapped.  
  
'They came forward and started, making advances my lord.'  
  
'Advances?' Vader asked, bewildered.  
  
'Yes my lord.'  
  
'As in?'  
  
'Yes my lord. Then when they were being secured, the shorter one said 'hey if you want freaky shit then you've got the wrong girl.' '  
  
' 'Freaky shit?' ' Vader couldn't believe what he officer was saying, but from the look on the poor mans face, he was not making it up. Noone could look so horrified and not mean it. 'Are you talking about the energy binders?'  
  
'Yes my lord. When I looked at the taller one, she was making faces.'  
  
'Like?'  
  
'Like, licking her lips, winking and smiling.'  
  
'I see. And what the reaction of the other men?'  
  
'Most of them were the same as mine. I couldn't believe it my lord, they were so, so.' The lieutenant drew a deep breath and plunged on. 'Corporal Krason and Corporal Greyston were not, my lord.'  
  
'Krason and Greyston?' Vader asked. 'The ones who have been reprimanded twice for mistreating female prisoners?' Vader growled. 'I gave specific instructions that those prisoners were not to be harmed in any way.'  
  
'Yes my lord,' the lieutenant nodded madly. 'And nothing happened,' the lieutenant tried unsuccessfully to smother a sudden evil grin.  
  
'Explain,' Vader told him, beginning to smile as well.  
  
'Well once the, pair were restrained, they were no trouble. Bar the comments, jokes, laughing, songs.' The way the officer said the last one prompted Vader to ask:  
  
'Songs?' If it had been any other superior officer, the lieutenant would have buried his face in his hands, as it was he had to fight the urge not to break down on Vaders shoulder.  
  
'Yes sir.' The tic was back and had brought friends. 'They sang things like,' he paused, going redder than the Imperial Guards robes. 'Sir, they were unlike any song I've heard before, sung by females,' he amended.  
  
'Like?' Vader prompted.  
  
'I can't really recall,' the lieutenant mumbled. Vader drew himself up to his full height, putting his fists on his hips.  
  
'Lieutenant!' he roared. 'You will continue your report without interruptions! You are an officer of the Imperial Navy! Try and act like it!' The lieutenant jumped a foot in the air, all the tics magnifying by ten, and snapped a salute.  
  
'They sang a song that had the words, 'I'm horny, horny, horny.' ' Vader was silent, the lieutenant burning with remembered and present mortification. 'And after that one and others like it, they started on a counting game.'  
  
'A counting game?' a Vader asked, sounding oddly strangled but the lieutenant was too far-gone to notice anything. He just wanted to get the report done and then run for it.  
  
'It started on 'two thousand bottles of beer on the wall, two thousand bottles of beer, take one down pass it around one thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall ' and so on, until they had counted them all.'  
  
'They sang, that two thousand times?' Vader asked vaguely horrified. He had to give them credit for their method of torture anyway. The lieutenant shook his head, a painful look crossing his face.  
  
'No my lord, they kept loosing count. They restarted five times before they finally finished. And then they started over again.'  
  
'They spent the whole time singing that song?' The lieutenant shook his head, the tics suddenly disappearing as the evil smile resurfaced.  
  
'Krason and Greyston went back to the brig without anyone noticing. The first we knew of it was when the females stopped singing and after about thirty seconds, Greyston came racing back to the bridge, his armour hanging in pieces and the underneath torn in, significant places.(A/N Care to guess how significant?) I went below to see what happened and I found Krason.' The officer smiled so evilly that Vader was slightly disturbed, but he found himself grinning along with him, imagining what state the disgraced stormtrooper was in. 'He is still in the bacta tank and has yet to regain consciousness. Greyston was closemouthed about the incident at first, but then when we offered to lock him in with the females, he told everything. It seems he and Krason had tried to, take advantage of the females, and they, basically pulled their nuts off and choked them with 'em.' Vader chuckled; he could just see the pair doing that.  
  
'And after that?'  
  
'After that, the females started singing their beer song again, FROM THE BEGINNING, about a decibel louder. They didn't stop until the shuttle docked. They were handed over to the stormtroopers on deck and I came here to give my report.'  
  
'That is everything?' The lieutenant nodded, desperate to get out of there and start some other duties, like polishing the hull maybe. After that last experience, he would do it with a smile. 'Then you are dismissed. Lieutenant,' he said, before the officer could evaporate. 'You and your men are now off-duty for three days.'  
  
'Thank you my lord.' Vader returned the salute and turned away as the officer made his well-deserved escape. The men would find an extra bonus in their pay this month for putting up with, and surviving, Aisling and Beth.  
  
He turned and went into his meditation ball, he really needed to rest. He'd deal with the new guests of the Empire later.  
  
Maybe he'd ask how to finish the Force-dammed game.  
  
=============================================================  
  
Don't you just feel so sorry for the poor lieutenant? I'll probably leave him alone now and let him recover for a while.  
  
Warning, the lunacy of singing has not ended. It will continue and any suggestions to suitably filthy, iffy or other wise unnerving songs will be gratefully accepted. Pub songs in particular!  
  
Sanity has no juristriction here! 


	4. Two of Each at Least Needed

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
Omigod! You guys really like this! This is the first fic that Ive posted where the reviews are five times the chapters. Woohoo! My god im writing something good. Brain, rapidly overloading, must, go to, the story!  
  
But first!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: thank you! That had really been bugging me. And do you know what, I really should have known it and as soon as I read the review I remembered it.  
  
That comment of head being like a sieve could fit me too methinks!  
  
Darth Gummi Bear: thank you. Just because other people use "confuzzled" doesn't mean I havent patented it! Just that you guys didn't know about it! Okay! Carry on!  
  
Jay-Cee the butt song will feature in the next chapter, to all of you who are starting to get worried, you should be! Go Buffy on my ass Jay and… never mind I'll scare off all my readers. *smirk* lets just say you will bloody feel it, no matter how long it takes.  
  
Leandra: sorry I didn't mention you before. No, Vaders always been a Sith in mine, well except for in A Small Act of Repentance *cough* Shameless plug!*cough*  
  
But he's more of a ghost ex-Sith in that one. Methinks you have me confuzzled with someone else.  
  
NOW you can read the story!  
  
Oh yeah, * * means thoughts, k? Sweet!  
  
=============================================================  
  
The two stormtroopers standing outside a certain door tensed when they heard a voice grow louder as its owner approached the door.  
  
'Your turn,' the one on the right muttered.  
  
'The hell it is,' the other one growled. 'I got the damn food.'  
  
'Goddamn.' The door that was between and behind them opened and Aisling came out.  
  
'Sorry to trouble you again boys,' she purred. 'But I don't suppose one of you could do a me small favour?' She smiled sweetly. The trooper on the right groaned silently, while the one on the left grinned madly behind his helmet. 'You see, it's awful boring in there on our own. I don't suppose one of you could come in and, entertain us?' There was a moments silence, then the trooper on the right turned smartly and followed Aisling in, leaving the other one to fume and curse.  
  
About half-an-hour later, Vader strode down the corridor, stopping in front of the door.  
  
'Where is the other guard?' he enquired.  
  
'Entertainment, my lord,' the trooper replied, a touch of envy in his voice. Vader looked from the trooper to the door to the trooper again.  
  
'Entertainment?' he asked. *I should have bloody known*  
  
'Yes my lord. Half-an-hour ago.'  
  
*More than bloody long enough then* he thought and walked in.  
  
'What is going on here?' he growled. The three, Beth Aisling and the trooper, looked up at him. They were seated around a table, cards in their hands. The trooper had taken off his helmet and was looked extremely harassed, if not frustrated.  
  
'Playing Twenty-five,' Beth replied.  
  
'They wouldn't play strip poker,' Aisling said in explanation, smiling at the trooper, who grinned back, then looked extremely interested in his cards when Vader looked at him.  
  
'If there was another guy or three,' Beth stated, putting her card down. 'Then I would have no problem, but there's only him. It would be over too quickly.'  
  
'Yeah but then we get him to put his clothes back on and start again,' Aisling replied, laying her card down. The long-suffering look the trooper threw Vader told him that they'd been over this subject a number of times.  
  
'Trooper,' Vader snapped, more out of pity for the poor sod than anything else. 'Get your helmet back on and get back on duty.' The speed that the trooper obeyed was admirable, if not desperate.  
  
'Aaawwww,' Beth and Aisling whined.  
  
'Will you send in another few?' Aisling asked hopefully.  
  
'No,' Vader growled. 'You will come with me.'  
  
'What, both of,' Aisling began, then yelped as Beth kicked her under the table.  
  
'Don't even think about saying it,' Beth warned.  
  
'Say what?' Aisling cried innocently, rubbing her shin.  
  
'Whatever it was your sick twisted little mind had thought up of.'  
  
'My mind? You're the one who kicked me before I could say anything!'  
  
'So that you wouldn't say anything.'  
  
'But all I was going to say was 'what both of us?' ' Aisling snapped, glaring at Beth, who looked somewhat taken-aback.  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'Yes oh! Where's the smut in saying, 'what both of us?' ' Aisling shrugged. 'If I'd added 'at the same time,' then maybe.'  
  
'Ah, AISLING!'  
  
'Enough!' Vader glared at the two girls. 'Must you find filth in EVERYthing?'  
  
'Pretty much.'  
  
'Its our purpose in life,' Aisling explained.  
  
'What do you mean OUR purpose in life? Making sick comments is hardly mine.'  
  
'Well kicking peoples ankles sure as hell aint mine!  
  
'But kicking them in the bollocks is?'  
  
'When the occasion calls for it. You're one to bloody talk anyway, MARY.'  
  
'You're no damn better KENNETH.' (A/N for those who missed it, the whole calling each other different names thing is for when one wants to remind the other of something, k?)  
  
'Shut the bloody hell up!' Vader roared. 'I came down here to show you around the Avenger,(A/N thanks again Jaina Skywalker!) not act as referee on another one of your damn fights!'  
  
'Oooooh,' Aisling gasped, standing up. 'Can we really see the ship? Will you give us a tour?' All the annoyance and anger suddenly disappeared in the face of childish enthusiasm. 'Please? Please? Please?' she started to hop on the balls of her feet in time with her 'Please?'es. Vader stared at the teenager.  
  
'Uh, I guess so,' he said, completely freaked out by her behaviour.  
  
'Can we see the bridge?' Beth asked, walking up to Vader and tugging on his cloak. 'Please? Please? Please?' Mimicking her friend who somehow migrated to the other side of the Sith Lord.  
  
With Beth on one side, tugging on his cloak and hopping up and down to the tune of  
  
'Please? Please? Please? Please?' and Aisling on the other side, tugging on his cloak and hopping up and down to the tune on 'Please? Please? Please? Please?' Vader felt decidedly panicked.  
  
'Alright!' he yelled. 'Alright, I'll show you damn ship, just stop doing that!'  
  
'Yay!  
  
'What's that do? Ow!' A pit crewman had slapped Beths hand as it moved towards a certain button.  
  
'That's a sensor control.'  
  
'Oh. What's that one do? Ow!'  
  
'That's another sensor control.  
  
'Oh. What about that one?'  
  
Vader looked at the two teenagers, one of whom was acting like a greedy kid in a large candy store, the other of which who, even in the middle of an intelligent conversation about the workings of the hyperdrive motivator, was flirting.  
  
'Ooh! That's a pretty one. What's that one do?' The one Beth was referring to was bright purple and large and had a label underneath saying, "Auto- destruct. DON'T TOUCH!" Beth's hand evaded the panicked crewmen and pressed the button.  
  
'WARNING! WARNING! AUTO-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIALIZED. SHIP WILL SELF- DESTRUCT IN, FIVE, SECONDS'  
  
'Aaaarrgh!' Beth screamed, running backwards when half the pit crew turned and jumped for her throat. She stumbled and fell backwards, one hand striking a small nondescript black button.  
  
'SELF-DESTRUCT SERIES HAS BEEN TERMINATED.'  
  
Aisling smiled and turned back to the white-faced officer.  
  
'You were saying about the sub-light thrust?'  
  
Vader resisted the urge to put his head in his hands as Beth said, 'What's this one do? Ow-ee!'  
  
  
  
I wonder who kills who first? 


	5. Outta My Hands!

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
Palpatine (boo!) shows at last, and Vader looses the rag. Hows that?  
  
I'm sorry Darth Gummi Bear, I didn't realize that you were asking about the video game! Sorry! No, I'm pretty sure he isn't, its no game that exists as far as I know. I just have him playing a game than features swords spears and last Lords with big red skulls. You know, the usual.  
  
Last Unicorn: Thank you, I know and yes of course!  
  
Jay-Cee: You could go Buffy on my ass, and I could make sure that there's not enough of you left to put into a grave. *smirk* Yeah, Stormtroopers is right. And you're completely right about the taste in men part as well.  
  
Biblehermione: He landed on Earth and walked into a house where Beth and Aisling were staying. There was no hope for him from that point!  
  
Sheila: Breathe! Don't worry, Vader aint getting away from the insanity, no matter how hard he tries!  
  
I hope you all enjoy this, and if you didn't, I don't want to know about it! Just say you loved it anyway! Or your ass I will kick!  
  
  
  
Palpatine stared at the holo of Vader who was giving his report on the goings-on on the Avenger post-Death Star.  
  
'Repeat that last part,' he said.  
  
'I have come across a being, a human female who is knowledgeable of what is happening in the galaxy. It is my suspicion that she is equally knowledgeable of the future.'  
  
'What makes you think that?' Vader paused, then told Palpatine what he heard Aisling tell Beth and the resulting conversation.  
  
'She asked me what the most recent event was,' he repeated as he finished. 'Like she was unsure as to what point in time I was asking for. This implies that she knows what to us is the future.'  
  
'I see,' Palpatine murmured. He thought for a moment. 'Yes, I understand what you mean and you are likely correct. Tell me Vader, why are you telling me this now and not when you arrive back in Imperial City?' Vader fidgeted, then came out with it.  
  
'To be blunt Master, they have my crew running scared.'  
  
'They?' Palpatine interrupted. 'I thought there was only one.'  
  
'There are two, Aisling who knows the future and Beth, who doesn't know a damn thing. Their behaviour is causing half the crew and troops to run like Jawas from a Krayt Dragon whenever they're within a miles distance and the other half to act like Kitonaks in a bloody monsoon!' Vader ranted. Palpating sat back and let him get it off his chest. 'They're impossible to control, troopers are acting like children, three times  
  
I've had to stop them from taking the TIEs out 'for a spin' as they called it. They've nearly blown up the ship twice, caused a loss of gravity twice, fired proton torpedoes at a shuttle, disabled three turbo-blasters, nearly killed four troopers with a 'borrowed' blaster. Master there are more crewmen officers and troopers in the medical now then there has been in the history of the Avenger. The whole damn ship has developed nervous tics and I've got an Admiral, and Admiral Master that screams if anyone comes within ten feet of him!'  
  
'Did you try punishing them? Threats?' Vader nodded.  
  
'It doesn't work. They treat threats like a game.'  
  
'A game?'  
  
'Who can think of the best threats.' Vader shook his head, a touch of horrified admiration creeping into his voice. 'They turned my stomach Master,' he admitted. 'I had to throw three stormtroopers out of the air- lock and Force-choke two officers before the others would stand guard on them after that.'  
  
'And what do you want me to do?' Palpatine sounded irritated, but he was more impressed than anything. He'd never seen Vader look so out of his depth.  
  
'Master, the only time either of them seemed even slightly intimidated was when one of the officers mentioned you to them. Aisling apparently looked scared out of her wits for about three seconds before she covered it. Beth looked puzzled, asked Aisling something in a language the trooper couldn't understand and never heard of. She replied and Beth looked, as the trooper put it, 'plain terrified.' Then the two started singing again.'  
  
'Where you there?' Vader shook his head. 'What were they singing?' There was an odd sound from Vader, which Palpatine would've nearly sworn was a faint whine. He made a gesture to something outside of the range of the projector.  
  
'We've been recording them since they arrived as per standard procedure,' Vader explained. 'Though its getting harder and harder to make anyone monitor them.'  
  
The recording started. There was a troopers voice, then a few shrieks, clangs and someone running away very quickly and someone else dropping heavily to the floor to the sound of two females laughing loudly. A moment later the two voices were belting out "Two thousand bottles of beer on the wall, two thousand bottles of beer,' before Vader switched it off hurriedly.  
  
'They were singing that?' Palpatine asked.  
  
'That was from the shuttle on the way to the ship,' Vader replied, nodding.  
  
'What was that banging noise in the background?'  
  
'Stormtroopers banging their heads off the walls.'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Yep.' Vader made another motion. 'This is from today, approximately two hours ago.'  
  
The same two female voices were laughing and joking in a language that neither Vader nor Palpatine had even heard of.  
  
'Have you been able to translate that?' Palpatine asked thoughtfully.  
  
'With the droids, no. Apparently its actually three languages they're speaking in. They're hopping from one language to another in the middle of sentences.  
  
'I see,' Palpatine mused. *Good idea*  
  
'With the Force,' Vader shrugged. 'Easily. Though those conversations are just as boring and insane as the ones in Basic.'  
  
Then suddenly the female voices were raised in song. "I, like, big, butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers cant deny, when a girl walks in with a itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get," the tune abruptly changed "feelings."  
  
Vader switched it off and in the silence, the Master stared at the Apprentice in vaguely shocked horror.  
  
'And what exactly do you want me to do with them?'  
  
'The only time they reacted to anything with fear was when you were mentioned. My crew cant handle them, maybe you can.'  
  
The Emperor thought for a moment. The girls information, Aisling was it, and knowledge would be useful and Force knew that his court could do with a shaking-up.  
  
And besides, he was bored and no matter which way it went, these girls would prove entertaining.  
  
'Set course for Imperial City,' he told Vader at last. 'And we'll see how troublesome these young females are.' With that he cut the transmission.  
  
Vader stood still for a moment, resisting the urge to dance a jig and shout halleluiah! They were leaving! They were going to be taken out of his hands! Woohoo!  
  
Behind his mask, Vader smiled evilly. Let Prince Xizor deal with the female's attentions and the Court with their insanity. He had more important things to deal with.  
  
Like killing that bloody Last Lord and finishing the Force-bedamned game!!  
  
Hehe! Force help Corusc- I mean Imperial City, of course I do. *clears throat, walks away whistling nonchantly*  
  
Review! 


	6. Sith Lords Dont Like Limpits

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
Who wants them to see the Emperor? Tough they're going anyway!  
  
You guys rock! The reviews are unreal, in case you haven't realized, I don't get that many reviews. Yep, it's a tragedy! So keep them coming or I'll let sanity through the door! You have been warned!  
  
Pitbull girl: Do you really think I have the slightest inclination to stop? With the amount of reviews this is pulling in? And all the ways I'll killed if I do stop? In other ways, hell yes I'm continuing this!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: I'm looking forward to it too! And hurry up and update on the video series!  
  
For all you who don't know and adore complete insanity, check out Celestia Vitarias fics, especially the videos series one. LMAO!!! Oh and Sage of Dreams Imperial Road Trip *falls off chair with laughter*, which she'll update soon, any day now, yeah.  
  
Biblehermione: Well I was gonna ease up on them , but then I remembered that they're troopers! So, no I don't think I'll ease up. *snigger smirk snigger* When are you gonna write something girl?  
  
Sheila: You got me in one word and adoration is always welcome!  
  
Do enjoy cos reviews are nice! Very nice! So keep reviewing, for your sakes. *tries to look evil and threatening but bursts out laughing*  
  
Review!  
  
  
  
'We're what?' Beth cried. Aisling looked over from the view-port where she was standing, a frown furrowing her brow.  
  
'When the ship arrives at Imperial City, you two will be spending time in the palace,' Vader repeated.  
  
'With the Emperor,' Aisling stated. 'You mean we're staying with the Emperor.'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'But, but, will you be there?' Beth asked, looking extremely close to crying.  
  
'No,' Vader replied, a touch gladly. 'I will remain on the ship until the Avenger leaves orbit.'  
  
'But, but, but!' she wailed, in obvious distress at the news.  
  
'Put a sock in it Beth,' Aisling snapped, staring out of the view-port again at the lines of hyperspace. 'He doesn't care.'  
  
'But, but!'  
  
'Bloody shut up!' Vader roared in the same instant as Aisling.  
  
'No!' Beth yelled back and leapt. Vader yelled in surprise and backed off hurriedly, but not before Beth managed to wrap her arms around his leg. 'You can't leave!' she cried, holding on like a limpet as the Sith hopped one leg trying to shake her off.  
  
'Bloody let go!'  
  
'You cant leave!' Beth repeated, holding on all the more tightly. 'You cant leave us!'  
  
'He can and he is,' Aisling stated coldly, as the Dark Lord looked around for something to scrape Beth off his leg with.  
  
'But, wh-wh-what will-ll-ll we-we-we do?' Beth asked, as Vader tried to shake her off.  
  
'Annoy the Court! Plague Xizor! Act the way you've been acting on this ship and let go of my forcedamned leg!'  
  
'Who or what is Xizor?'  
  
'A Faleen prince, trying to beat Vader at being Palpatines favourite, rich, successful, cold-blooded, treacherous. You'd love him,' Aisling told Beth. She looked over and had to stifle a grin at seeing the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, one of the most feared men in the galaxy, trying to pry Beths arms and legs from around his lower leg, who was doing a spirited impression of a stubborn barnacle. 'Will you let go of him? The guy probably hasn't washed that suit since he put it on.' She paused a moment, calculating. 'About eighteen or twenty years ago.'  
  
'I've done worse,' Beth replied, tightening her grip even more. Vader could no longer feel his foot. 'I've hugged Patrick Kerrigan.' Aisling grinned.  
  
'You did a lot more than hug him.' Then she shut her eyes and rubbed her temples. 'Evil image, image go away.'  
  
'You've done worse as well,' Beth reminded her.  
  
'Worse than Patrick Kerrigan? I don't think so,' Aisling muttered, still massaging her temples.  
  
'David.' There was a moments silence.  
  
'Did you HAVE to remind me? I was this close to forgetting, THAT completely! And then you go and remind me! Oh Gods, I'm getting a flash- back.'  
  
'Oh to hell with this,' Vader muttered, then used the Force to disengage Beth from his leg and to send her flying and crash to the floor behind the couch. Aisling watched her friend sail by overhead with interest, then she looked at Vader.  
  
'Cool! Why didn't you do that before?' Vader looked at her.  
  
'I have no idea.' Beth emerged from behind the couch and stood groggily, then she sighted on Vader.  
  
'That was fun!' she cried, vaulting the couch and racing to the Sith. 'Do it again!'  
  
'Go away!' Vader roared using the Force to augment it so that it came out at a volume more commonly used to blow masonry to pieces. Beth barely faltered before launched herself at Vaders leg again.  
  
Aisling turned and looked out the view-port again as Vader went 'Aaaarrrgh!' Beth went 'Wheeee!' and a loud crash coincided with a door hissing open and shut very rapidly.  
  
Maybe this trip to Imperial City wouldn't be a total loss, at the very least she would get to see just how potent Faleen pheromones really are. Just in time too, these Imperials didn't last any time at all hardly.  
  
'So what will this Imperial City be like?' Beth asked, flopping down on the couch.  
  
'The whole planets a city, Emperor Palpatines palace is there. It's a great honour to be invited there.' Neither her words nor her voice, tone or inflection revealed anything but respect and awe for Palpatine, but Beth knew her friend too well to be fooled.  
  
'Is it?'  
  
'Oh yes, a great honour.' She went to a chair and curled up in it, tucking her feet up under her. 'Just think Beth, we're going to the Palace, have you any idea how many people would kill to be able to say that?'  
  
'A lot, I'd say.'  
  
'More than that.' Beth looked at her friend, who was staring at her hands, picking nervously at her nails.  
  
'Emperor Palpatine, he's the one who removed the scourge of the Jedi from the galaxy, aint he?' She was laying it on thick, but she knew that Aisling would get her real meaning.  
  
'Yep, and ended the reign of the corrupt democrats, ushering in an era of real peace and true justice.' If you didn't know either girl really well, you would swear that they were doing nothing more than singing Palpatines praises to the stars. And that was the point. They played this game with many an unsuspecting victim before and they had it down to an art-form.  
  
'How far away is it?' Aisling shrugged. 'Enough time to get ready do you think?'  
  
'For me? Yeah definitely. For you,' Aisling counted on her fingers. 'How long did that last miracle take?'  
  
'Less time than yours did,' Beth laughed, getting to her feet. 'But then, I wasn't trying to recover from the shock of waking up next to David.'  
  
'Oh, you are a bitch Bethany Walsh!'  
  
'Yeah, but that's why you love me.'  
  
The officer in charge listened to the two laughing and joking as the Avenger sped towards Imperial City faster than light.  
  
While inside his meditation ball, Vader hissed in frustration as his player got a sword through the heart from the Last Lord. Again!  
  
It's a bit short I know, but I think the image of Vader hopping around with Beth stuck to his leg is quite enough for one session don't you? People dying from laughter-induced asphyxia (dying laughing in other words) don't help put reviews on my statistics screen you know!  
  
Should I let Vader finish the game? I'll let him stew for just a bit longer! 


	7. Of Red Dresses and Future Fun

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
*looks at reviews in suspicious disbelief* Are these all mine? These cant be all mine! Its not possible that these are all mine. I mean, there is no way that these are all mine. *checks the labels* Force, they are all mine. Well….just……I mean…..Force!  
  
Oh my god, you guys just ROCK!!!! There is no other way of saying it!!!! Every single one of you rule!!! Thank you so much you guys!!  
  
Anyhoo, the pair are on their way to meet the Emperor, no they haven't left yet. Yes they will soon. Next one. Really.  
  
BTW the Star Trek/Star Wars thing will hopefully be a running joke.  
  
Oh and Sage of Dreams has finally FINALLY updated on her Imperial Road Trip. To all of you who haven't discovered it yet, go read it now!! You will fall off your seat!  
  
Celestia Vitaria is also a master of the Insane genre, but she still hasn't updated! Will you update Celestia!  
  
And to you who like chaos and insanity, go look for Dark Side Luke, he has a genius for insane situations.  
  
Now its time for the dedications.  
  
There are a lot of dedications here, so if you not interested, just scroll down. I wont kill you, *smirk* yet.  
  
Jenna: *raises eyebrow* You want this finished? That's a first!  
  
Ari: ONE dedication per! Use the smelling salts next time. Glad to see that kind response! Just any injuries incurred are not, repeat NOT gonna be paid by me, so don't even try!  
  
Dragonlet: Why does everyone feel sorry for Vader.*reads story again* oh yeah.  
  
Last Unicorn: Why does the phrase "you aint seen nothin" yet spring to mind?  
  
Biblehermione: get that Micrrosoft Word up and get it up now! Yeah you read my mind!  
  
Sage of Dreams: hell yeah I love that story! Ive read it three times and I'm STILL falling off the chair! Only one dedication though I'm afraid. Oh, and Thrawn is gonna appear, but ssh! Don't tell nobody!  
  
Borath: Nice to see that you listen to the voice of insanity than the voice of reason! Woohoo for you!  
  
Psycho Sith: Hehehe! I'd say sorry, but hell you enjoyed yourself!  
  
The_Griffen: thank you, thank you. Vader doesn't know himself why he hasn't killed them two yet, so how am I supposed to know? I'm just the writer.  
  
Dark Side Luke: Nice to hear from you! Thank you thank you and again thank you.  
  
There we are, now, let the insanity begin!  
  
'So how are we going to get to the planet?' Beth asked, staring down at Imperial City.  
  
'Shuttle,' Aisling said, looking down at the planet as well.  
  
'What, no "beam us up Scotty?" '  
  
'No,' Aisling said patiently, for her. 'Because that's Star Trek and this is Star Wars.'  
  
'You mentioned those before,' Vader rumbled, materialising suddenly behind them. They turned to greet him. 'What are Star Trek and Star Wars?' (A/N From this point on, Vader can tell when someone's lying. He couldn't before. It doesn't have to make sense! It just has to be!)  
  
Beth looked sideways at her friend, wondering how she was going to get out of that one. Aisling blinked a few times.  
  
'Two different categories of knowledge,' she replied, bending her words to the limit to keep from lying. 'To those not well-versed in either, they can appear very similar.'  
  
'And you have knowledge of which one?'  
  
'Star Wars, but I can usually correct others when they mix the two up, eh Beth?' Beths replying hand-gesture belonged in no public place. The one that Aisling answered her with was even worse.  
  
'And who is this Harry Potter that you also mentioned?' Vader asked hurriedly, mainly to stop the impending fight. If the pair had to repair their hair and faces, he would never get rid of them.  
  
To his surprise Aisling turned to Beth and said: 'You wanna get this one?' (A/N this part was supposed to be written by my mate Jay-Cee, but since she apparently couldn't be arsed, *snigger* I had to do it. If there are any mistakes I'm sorry! I know nothing about HP I had to get my little sister to help me!)  
  
'Don't mind if I do! Well there is of course Harry Potter, or Rotter as Draco Malfoy calls him. Draco's the heir to the Malfoy family, son of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, two of the most stuck up arrogant ignorant idiots on the face of the planet. Draco is a Slytherin and hangs around with Crab and Goyle and they fill their days with bullying or attempting to bully Harry, Ron and Hermione, who are Gryffindors. Hermione Granger is a Muggle-born witch, a Muggle is a person who cant do magic by the way, extremely smart and barely takes her head out of her books long enough to help Harry and Ron get out of whatever trouble they're in. Ron Weasley is the complete opposite to Draco, he's nice and sweet and smart and funny and and and' at this point Aisling clapped her hands together in front of Beths face and the girl snapped back to reality. 'And he has four older brothers. Bill, Charlie, Fred and George, ah George, alright Aisling! And one younger sister, Ginny. They all live in the Burrow and are a pureblood family but they are nothing like the Malfoys. Neither family can stand the other, as a matter of fact. They all go to a big Wizarding school called Hogwarts and its so deadly!' She caught Aislings eye. 'But I wont go into detail right now. Lets just say it's a great big huge castle that has a really big, really really deep lake surrounding it with a giant squid, to name one occupant. Um, oh yeah! There's this really deadly Dark Wizard called Voldemort, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, who basically this big bad of the Wizardly world and he killed loads and loads of these other wizards, the good wizards including Harrys parents. Oh, and Voldemort tried to kill Harry but he couldn't, because of some kind of protective thingy that his mum put on him right as Voldemort killed her, so now he's this really weak pathetic excuse for an amoeba, of but in Goblet of Fire he's regenerated and he's sworn to kill Harry properly and I cant wait for the fifth book and its gonna be oh-so cool!' (A/N that was pretty much what my little sister, who's nine by the way, came out with when I asked to do this. Believe it or not, its actually half the original length. I live in a family of fanatics.)  
  
There was a stunned silence.  
  
'That's it?' Vader asked after a moment.  
  
'No, that's the short version. You want the long one?'  
  
'No!' was the resounding answer. Beth smirked and looked back out of the view-port.  
  
'When is the shuttle heading off?' Aisling asked Vader, who was staring at Beth in shock.  
  
'In a standard hour.'  
  
'Can we wait on the bridge?' Vader hesitated, the memories of what happened last time still fresh in his memory. 'Please? We'll behave, I promise. I'll keep Beth away from the buttons.'  
  
'I can't push the pretty buttons?' Beth cried, turning back to them. She caught Aislings glare and subsided. 'Okay, okay,' she grumbled. 'I wont touch the buttons.'  
  
'Please Lord Vader?' *Amazing how she only uses my title when she wants something* Vader mused.  
  
'Alright,' he sighed, before the begging started. He liked people begging as much as the next Sith, but Aisling and Beth put their own little twist on it, to the point where he'd now rather hand the Avenger over to them completely than have to listen to them again.  
  
As the trio swept out of the girls quarters towards the bridge, a stormtrooper surreptitiously activated his comlink.  
  
'They're on the way to the bridge.' A stream of intergalactic swearing followed his words before he shut the comlink off.  
  
When Vader entered the bridge, there was the general atmosphere more commonly related to a ship right before a battle they were not likely to win. When Aisling and Beth entered, the tension dropped along with the crewmen's jaws.  
  
Both females were in red, a deliberate act (A/N Red being Palpy's colour and all), and the dresses they wore did nothing to argue the fact that they were, in fact, grown women.  
  
Beths dress was bright scarlet, ankle length and had a slit up one leg to a good ten inches above the knee, with a plunge back and a scoop top. She wore it with red strap sandals. The material had a dusting of glittery stuff that shimmered when she moved. Her hair was straightened and arranged so that it cascaded artfully down her back.  
  
Aislings dress was a deep crimson, floor length with a full skirt that swept the ground as she went. The neckline was low and square and the back was modest, but the material was the sort that clung to the body underneath and glittered dazzlingly under the bright lights of the bridge. Her long hair was up in a simple twist with the top curled into ringlets that moved when she turned her head.  
  
Both girls were made up discretely and wore no jewellery besides red stones on thin silver chains on their ears and around their necks.  
  
The clothes and things had been sent up with a tailor on an earlier shuttle when the Avenger first entered orbit and, from the stunned silence, they had done their work.  
  
'I guess we pass the test,' Beth murmured, faltering. Aisling smiled dazzlingly and walked out onto the bridge after Vader, making full use of the swishing capabilities of the dress. After a few moments hesitation, Beth followed.  
  
Vader glared at the crew, irritated. They took no notice. They did however take notice of the Siths ominously tapping foot and one by one, got back to their work.  
  
'Well,' Vader said, when he turned back to the red-clad pair. 'Are you looking forward to meeting the Emperor?'  
  
'How could we not?' Aisling replied, smiling again and Vader got a glimpse of what they were like when not acting like complete lunatics. 'He is most gracious for inviting us to attend his court.'  
  
'Okay,' Vader muttered. 'You're not in the palace yet.' Aisling grinned.  
  
'Yeah, but I've to get back into the habit of sanity and maturity. Beth!' she snapped without turning her head. The girl jumped and pulled her hand from where it had been creeping towards a control panel. 'I don't think the court will be quite as cooperative as you and your crew, Vader,' she continued. Then she smirked and Vader felt truly sorry for the unsuspecting Imperial Court. 'But that doesn't mean they'll get away with nothing.'  
  
'I wish I could see it,' he said and chuckled evilly.  
  
'Oh? You're not going to be there?' she asked, feigning surprise.  
  
'No, I've been ordered elsewhere,' he told her. 'But Prince Xizor will be there,' he added. Aislings evil smile matched his own, though she couldn't see it.  
  
'Much fun,' she muttered, eyes glittering. 'Beth!'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Stay away from the buttons.'  
  
'But they're so pretty!'  
  
'Beth!'  
  
'Alright! I'll stay away from the shagging buttons! Such pretty buttons.'  
  
'BETH!'  
  
'What?! I'm nowhere near them!'  
  
'Yes but you're thinking about going near them, aren't you?' Beths grumbled cursing proved her right, though Aisling had never turned from Vader and Beth was out of her view. Now, however, she turned to see both her friend and the Sith.  
  
'This Prince Xizor had better be worth it,' Beth muttered. Vader looked at her.  
  
'What was that?' he asked, though he had a vague hunch.  
  
'Prince Xizor, is that right?' she asked, turning to Aisling who nodded. 'Yeah, I've been told that he's quite the charmer. He's the only reason I'm in this get-up.'  
  
'Get-up?' Vader asked, his voice gaining that oddly strangled edge that was never far away these days.  
  
'You know the hair, the make-up, the DRESS.' Beth made a disgusted face and picked at the material, making it clear that she'd much rather be a in a pair of trousers and top. 'Gotta make a good impression and all that crap.'  
  
Aisling could just about imagine the look on Vaders face as he stared blankly at Beth and it was all she could do not to burst out laughing.  
  
'Vader,' she said, somehow managing to get herself under control. 'My skill is in subtlety in situations like this, which is why Beth is going after Xizor.' She grinned madly. 'I don't know about you but I'd like to see how he deals with a walking hormone, emphasis on the "hor." '  
  
'Hey,' Beth cried, pretending to be offended. 'That's Miss Whore to you.'  
  
'And what will you do?' Vader asked, reminding himself that bursting into laughter on the bridge would not have the best effect on his reputation. Aisling looked innocent.  
  
'Oh, wreak subtle and discreet but all-consuming chaos.' The evil smile re- emerged. 'You know, fun stuff.'  
  
Heheheheh! Wonder should I feel sorry for the court and let them get away with nothing? Naaaaah! Palpatines gonna regret this! Hehehehehe!  
  
Keep up the good work and review some more. I wanna break fifty with this fic! 


	8. Of Courts and Morning Afters

DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!  
  
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany  
  
This is unreal!!! I've never seen so many reviews for the one fic! And its only seven, well eight now chapters long!! Wooohooo!! I BROKE FIFTY!!!!!!!!!! Celebrate good times come on!!!!! *glances around then smoothes hair clears throat and sits down again, hoping that people will stop staring before the next century*  
  
Anywhatever, here's the dedications. Drum roll please!  
  
DragonElf_86: Mesa no think so!!! Thanks! Yeah I figged what LMAO means after a while, the HAHAHAHAH does tend to give it away, cheers anyway. And Vader had a severe problem when he crash-landed on Earth, never mind the Playstation!  
  
Biblehermione: yeah, I originally wrote one where she was actually completely sane, but it was just too scary!! Aislings dress is pretty deadly aint it? But my Debs dress is gonna be soooo much nicer! You gotta get Microsoft Word up before that!! Come on, if you can keep reading and reviewing this, then I gotta see what you can come up with!!!  
  
Sheila: I never had a single intention of giving this up! Im having far too much fun!!! You really gotta pity the poor troopers don't you? They always seem to get caught in the middle! *snigger*  
  
Jaina Skywalker: No prob! Thank you, thank you, genius really does love praise! But girl, only Beth hit the self-destruct button, Aisling was flirting with the officer, remember?  
  
Dragonlet: *raises eyebrow* That's it? Fine so, scarlet is a bright vivid shade of red and crimson is a deeper shade, nearly the colour of blood really. K? Sorted? Right.  
  
Last Unicorn: When I have it written, you'll know.  
  
Jacintha: Could you have BEEN any more obvious? Fine, you want the whole world to know you're a loonie? *cackles evilly* Fine. Bethany Walsh is based on JACINTHA no, more than based on, IS Jacintha!!! Happy now? (Beth is OBVIOUSLY not her real name by the way, and Aisling is not mine. Stalkers, you have been warned!!)  
  
Psycho Sith: Please put a homing beacon on your ass. That way you can find it again. And again. And again. And…, yeah you get the point.  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Two words Hell Yeah!!  
  
Emerald Redfern: Thank you, thank you. Er, maybe? And definitely!  
  
The Vampire Lestat: Hmmm! I could have at least three different reactions to that. (1)Disgusted but oddly fascinated by the concept (2)Woohoo! I'm not stuck on my own anymore! There's somebody else like me!! Or (3) Goddammit! I'm not unique anymore! There's somebody else like me! *smirk* Take your pick.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Yayyyy! Neither can I!! No, wait, hang on………. Agh! I'm confuzzled again!!!  
  
Just read and review while I try and recover the lost pieces of my brain!!  
  
Palpatine stared at the two females that stood before him, Prince Xizor fidgeting beside him. They had shown up some three hours earlier and had wasted absolutely no time. After being presented to him, they had gone to mingle with the crowd, the tall one had anyway, leaving a trail of chaos in her wake. The other one had targeted Xizor immediately and had since plagued the Faleen Prince until he was on the brink of running for his life. They were now in the Emperors ready room.  
  
'Vader tells me that have knowledge of events,' he said, in a bored fashion. The taller one, Aisling, bowed, mind racing to figure out a way of lying without actually lying.  
  
'Lord Vader is too kind,' she began. 'I'm afraid that what I know is undoubtedly minor in comparison to what you yourself know.'  
  
'Indeed,' Palpatine mused. 'Tell me,' he said. 'Why did you knock out Baron Heurtz?' Aisling looked at him, a sneer twisting her lip.  
  
'The one who has more hands than is good for him?' Beth sniggered, she had been there at the time. Palpatine looked at her.  
  
'And you, why did you attack Lady Waldrun?' Beth smiled lop-sidedly.  
  
'The one who has her nose stuck so far up in the air that ships have to fly around it?' Xizor stifled a chuckle and Palpatine put a hand to his mouth to hide a sudden grin.  
  
'Is she the one in that horrible green and lilac thing? With the brown fur trim?' Aisling asked her.  
  
'Yeah, mank isn't it?'  
  
'She called me a.' Aisling put on a snooty voice. ' "Wretched low-life that should not have crawled above surface-level." She seemed a bit confused when I said thanks. Cant think why.'  
  
'No,' Beth replied. 'I cant either.' Xizor was having silent convulsions. He'd been on the wrong side of Lady Waldrun a few times, though because of his position she'd had to be a bit more polite, and this news was well overdue. Palpatine however was looking at the females in a way that many tended to, disbelief mixed with astonishment with a touch of strange fascination and a dash of faint horror.  
  
'Yes well,' he said, the strangled edge appearing effortlessly. (A/N amazing that always shows up just after the girls) 'Do go and enjoy the rest of the evening.' The two bowed again, Beth after a fierce glare from Aisling, and left.  
  
Prince Xizor turned to the Emperor when the door closed behind them.  
  
'Sire why are they here?' he asked. Palpatine looked at him coldly. He had no more idea than the Faleen Prince did, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let him know that.  
  
'Since when do my actions do have to be explained to you?' he sneered. Xizor dropped his head.  
  
'I apologize sire,' he mumbled, seemingly contrite. Palpatine nodded.  
  
'Get out.' Xizor bowed and left swiftly.  
  
Aisling eyed the drinks bar hungrily, if only she could lose these damn courtiers! She turned her meagre patience to the task of listening to what the shallow fools were saying.  
  
'But don't you think that another with more, experience in social occasions would be more suited to the post?' one, a tall and thin man was saying. 'Don't you agree, Ms O'Connell?' Aisling swiftly rewound the conversation in her head.  
  
'Yes, I do,' she replied shortly, ignoring the dig. (A/N I.e. No rank) Another that she recognized as Admiral Ozzel nodded stiffly at her. *Not Admiral yet* she thought, glancing at the rank insignia on his shirt  
  
'Excuse me,' he began. 'But I really don't see the reason for this conversation here, where there are so few who really know what they are talking about,' he said, looking pointedly at Aisling who stared right back. *And you're definitely one of them Ozzel my lad*  
  
'But surely,' she replied, looking wide-eyed and guileless. 'We can only learn when we listen to others?' knowing full-well that the only time Ozzel would listen to anyone would be when he felt Vader locking a Force-grip around his throat. (A/N In case you haven't noticed, I don't like Ozzel But then again I don't like imbecilic prejudiced bigoted morons so it stands to reason doesn't it?) Ozzel harrumphed and pointedly began a conversation with some socialite or other.  
  
Aisling smiled sweetly at the others and backed out of the group, then made a bee-line for the drinks table.  
  
'Miss O' Connell,' she heard before she was half-way there. She stifled a curse and turned, plastering a smile on her face. It was Prince Xizor.  
  
'Prince Xizor, how nice to see you again.' The Faleen looked somewhat harassed.  
  
'And you,' he replied politely, though looking over his shoulder. 'Tell me,' he said giving up all pretence. 'Is there any way that I can get rid of Ms Walsh?' Aisling couldn't suppress the smirk.  
  
'None,' she told him. Xizor looked like he was about burst into tears.  
  
'None?' he asked weakly. 'None at all?' Aisling shrugged.  
  
'You could try giving her what she wants. She'd leave you alone then.' She couldn't help but grin at the Faleen who couldn't figure out whether to be resigned, eager or offended. 'What's the problem, I thought you would be all up for it.' Xizor looked at her.  
  
'There's such a thing as finesse,' he growled, though she could tell that his heart wasn't in it. 'Not just, use and lose like a, a,'  
  
'A slut?' Aisling grinned. 'What, don't like it when you get a taste of your own medicine?' Xizor scowled at her. 'Put it this way, you wont have to wear out those ol' black diamonds.' The Faleen blinked rapidly at her.  
  
'What? How do you know?' Aisling waved the question away.  
  
'That has nothing to do with anything and you know it.' She shrugged, then grinned when she saw Beth heading their way. 'My advice is to just go for it. She'll go away then. Hey Beth.'  
  
'Hey. ' She gave Xizor a funny look when he jumped a mile. 'O-kaay. Where are the drinks?' Xizor gave Aisling a defeated look and taking Beths arm directed her to the drinks table. The triumphant look Aisling saw on her friends face nearly made her collapse, but she covered it.  
  
She snuck a look around then hurried, discretely of course, to the alcohol. She had nearly made it when someone stepped in front of her.  
  
'Miss O' Connell?' With a silent curse, Aisling stopped and looked at the one who had stepped in her path. Then blinked rapidly and smiled, the first genuine one of the evening. 'Pleased to meet you. My name is Thrawn.' (A/N heheheheh! Sorry Sage. He's mine!!)  
  
Next morning.  
  
Vader knocked on the door of the flat that the girls were given and heard someone inside shout "come in." So he did.  
  
'Vader,' Aisling said, smiling at him. 'I thought you were supposed to be in the Unknown Regions?' *Did I tell her that?* Vader wondered. *I'm sure I didn't*  
  
'Haven't left yet,' he said aloud. 'The Avenger has to undergo some minor repairs.'  
  
'Oh no,' she said, looking shocked. 'Why would it need repairs?' Vader looked at her as he sat down at the round table in the kitchen area of the flat.  
  
'Why indeed?' The sound of a door opening and closing made him look up and he saw Beth shuffle into the kitchen, she was by no means a morning person.  
  
'Hey Vader,' she yawned. 'Aisling, how was your night?' Aisling smiled slyly as she went to sit down.  
  
'Eventful,' she replied, sipping from a cup then making a face. 'Ugh, you guys call this tea? I wouldn't use it to wash out a barn.' She took another sip anyway. 'And how was yours?'  
  
'Oh, it was, interesting.' Beth got a cup of tea for herself and went to sit down on the other side of Vader, so that she sat opposite her friend.  
  
'You didn't annoy the Emperor too much, did you?' Vader asked, knowing even as he said it how stupid it was. Aisling shook her head.  
  
'Made up for it with the court though,' she sniggered.  
  
'They asked for it,' Beth growled. 'One of them asked me who I belonged to and how much to have me on loan.'  
  
'Do I want to know what you did to him?' Vader asked. Beth shook her head.  
  
'I don't want to be responsible for your being not able to sleep at night. And it was a she anyway.' The door Beth came out of hissed open again and Vader looked automatically.  
  
'Prince Xizor,' he said, in the strangled voice that was now so familiar.  
  
'Lord Vader,' Xizor mumbled. 'Miss O'Connell.'  
  
'Prince Xizor,' Aisling replied, seemingly not in the least bit surprised at the Faleen Prince stumbling out of her best friends bedroom at nine in the morning. *Well* Vader reminded himself. *The bedrooms are backed on one another and the soundproofing in this place aint worth a curse* Xizor nodded at Beth.  
  
'See you later,' he said and walked out.  
  
Vader waited until the main door had hissed shut behind Xizor before he turned to Beth.  
  
'Speaking about sleepless nights,' he said. Beth grinned and looked down into her tea. 'How the hell did you manage that?'  
  
'Well if you don't know by now Vader,' she replied, grinning mischievously.  
  
' "See you later" ' Aisling said, mimicking Xizor. 'All he said was "see you later." I'd kick his royal arse if I were you.'  
  
'I've had worse responses the morning after,' Beth replied, shrugging. 'It's not as good as "no, wait, stay, please" but definitely not as bad as "who the hell are you?" '  
  
'That is true.'  
  
Another door hissed open and shut, Vader just knew that it was the door to Aislings bedroom.  
  
'Morning Thrawn,' he said on seeing the blue-skinned Chiss.  
  
'Morning Vader,' Thrawn replied amiably. He went up to Aisling and kissed her. 'Good morning Aisling.'  
  
'Morning.' She looked at Beth. 'Have you met Thrawn,' she asked of her friend.  
  
'Oh, I've heard something of him,' she replied, raising her eyebrows and grinned at Aisling who grinned back. 'Bethany Walsh,' she said, stretching her hand out to him.  
  
'Thrawn,' he replied, shaking it. He looked at his wrist chronometer. 'I've got to go,' he said. 'But I'll see you later.' He and Aisling kissed again and with a nod to Vader and Beth, he left.  
  
'Well,' Beth said admiringly. 'You certainly had your eyes open last night.'  
  
'For some of the night,' Aisling giggled.  
  
'I'm not gonna ask,' Vader said, shaking his head.  
  
'That's good, I wasn't gonna tell,' she replied, getting up for another cup of the awful tea. 'Gods,' she muttered after a taking a sip of the new cup and discovering, beyond all probability and reason, that it was worse than the last. 'You guys haven't a clue when it comes to tea.'  
  
'Then why are you drinking it?' Vader asked.  
  
'Cos if the caffeine doesn't keep me awake, the taste definitely will.' She smirked. 'In case you didn't realize, I didn't get much sleep last night.'  
  
'I really didn't want to know that,' Vader groaned.  
  
Beth got up and went to the food, thingy, in the wall. (A/N I have NO idea as to what its called, noone I know knows what's its called, until someone tells me what its called, its going to be called "thingy")  
  
'How do you get this thing to work?' she asked, looking for the control buttons.  
  
'It's voice responsive, you ask for what you want.'  
  
'Oh, okay cool. Um, I'll have a fry please.'  
  
'Request not recognised,' said the machine.  
  
'Huh?'  
  
'It doesn't know what a fry is,' Vader translated, none too sure what it was either.  
  
'How can it not know what a fry is?' Beth asked, annoyed. 'Okay then, I'll have a fried egg, two fried sausages, two rashers, some fried mushrooms and toast.'  
  
'What kind of egg? What kind of meat in the sausages? What kind of rashers? What kind of mushrooms? What kind of toast?'  
  
'Huh?' Beth stared at the machine, then at Aisling who shrugged. 'Uh, chicken egg, pork sausages, pork rashers, Aisling what kind of mushrooms do we eat?'  
  
'Magic mushrooms!'  
  
'Oh a great help you are! Forget the mushrooms. Plain white bread that's been toasted, in that order.'  
  
'Request not recognised.'  
  
'What the hell do you mean request not recognised?' Beth yelled. 'I'm shagging starving and this shagging bucket of bolts wont give me any shagging food! I need more shagging energy after all that…' (A/N Can you guess what the last word in that sentence is? *smirk*)  
  
'Beth!' Aisling shouted, cutting her off. 'Shut up and chillax!' (A/N short for chill and relax)  
  
'I will not shagging shut up!' Beth shouted back. 'This damn stupid thing doesn't even know what a damn chicken is!'  
  
Aisling cast a rueful glance at Vader as Beth ranted on, then smiled slowly as she remembered something.  
  
'Beth,' she said. 'Beth!'  
  
'What?!'  
  
'Godzilla,' she said simply. Beth gaped at her for a moment, then shuddered.  
  
'Euuw! You bitch Aisling! Euw!' she wailed. 'Euw, euw, ugh, eugh, euw, yuck!'  
  
'Godzilla?' Vader asked, mystified at the girls sudden reaction.  
  
'It's a movie, like a 2-D holo-vid, from back home. It's about this lizard that mutates into this damn-huge lizard that goes off and wreaks cities. You know, the usual.'  
  
'And it laid eggs!' Beth cringed. 'And they hatched! And they were six foot tall and all reptiley and eeugh!' Vader looked from one girl who was having a cringing fit, to the other who was unsuccessfully trying to smother her giggles.  
  
'You do know that Xizor is a Faleen right?' Vader asked Beth cautiously.  
  
'Huh?' Momentarily shocked out of it, Beth nodded. 'Oh, yeah.' Vader took a deep breath.  
  
'You do know that the Faleen race is reptilian?'  
  
There was a moments silence.  
  
'AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Beth screamed. Then she leapt out of her seat. 'I'm gonna kill you Aisling O' Connell!!' Startled, Aisling barely got out of the way in time. So while Beth crashed into the worktop, Aisling scrambled to get behind Vader, who had risen from his seat. 'Why didn't you tell me?!!' Beth yelled.  
  
'I did tell you!' Aisling yelled back through the laughter that was threatening to erupt, moving swiftly to keep the Siths body between them. 'I told you he was cold-blooded!'  
  
'I thought you meant metaphorically!!'  
  
'Well you should have known then, shouldn't you have?'  
  
Vader growled as the pair ran around him, first in one direction then in the other. He grabbed each girl by the arm and held them apart.  
  
'Will you two bloody stand still?!' he yelled. They, of course, took no notice, Beth scrabbling to reach Aisling and beat seven kinds of hell into her, and Aisling trying to keep out of her reach until she cooled off.  
  
'Didn't you notice the scales?' Aisling yelled.  
  
'You know damn well that I never notice anything!!!' Beth roared back, missing catching Aisling hair by a millimetre. 'Reptiles aren't supposed to be that big!!!' she screamed at noone in particular. 'They're supposed to be small enough for me to squish!!!'  
  
Aisling stood still, gaping at her demented friend. Then she started laughing, and laughing, and laughing. Vader and Beth stared at her as she doubled over, completely breathless but still roaring with laughter. Vader looked at Beth, at her, back at Beth and replayed the last five minutes in his head. Then he got it.  
  
'Aw Force Aisling!!' he yelled, grossed out. 'How could you?! Eeugh!!! That's just, eeugh Force!!!!' He started laughing as well, though still disgusted and was soon clutching at his ventilator and cursing.  
  
Beth glared at the stricken pair. Aisling was having convulsions on the floor and Vader bashing at his chest controls while still laughing his ass off. She humphed and turning on her heel, stalked off her bedroom.  
  
After some time, Aisling finally calmed down and hauled herself up from the floor by hanging onto the worktop. She massaged her aching ribs and sides and reached for her tea.  
  
From the bedroom came Beths horrified and disgusted but above all loud roar.  
  
'Ah Aisling!'  
  
The cup shattered on the floor as Aisling collapsed into giggles again.  
  
*snigger smirk snigger* Did ya get it?  
  
BTW, Jacintha did actually react that way when I told her that Xizor is a reptile, and I was on the phone to her at the time. (Note to self, friend screaming down phone is not, repeat not good for the hearing) She cant stand lizards*smirk* heheheheh! 


	9. Whining really Does Work! (unless youre ...

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
I'm gonna have to check if someones pulling the piss, sending me reviews that belong to someone else. But that means that I'll get less reviews. Hhmmm! *thinks deeply about what to do* Well its done now isn't it?! No point in messing it up now is there?!  
  
In this one, shopping sprees feature, a slip is made and a night out is anticipated. Hows that for a spoiler? Speaking of spoilers I SAW EPISODE TWO!!!!!!!!!  
  
IT ROCKS!!!!!!!! But seeing as there are those who have yet to view Attack of the Clones, I will attempt to steer clear of spoilers of the film. *sulk* But I don't have to like it!  
  
There is a lot, a lot! Of dedications here so if you not interested, just scroll down. All of you who reviewed the last one had better read them dammit!  
  
Jacintha: One dedication per! Omigod, where do I start! Okay *rolls up sleeves* right! The reason why I didn't put in anything about George having gorgeous eyes or whatever is because I wrote that literally FIVE MINUTES before I uploaded the chapter cos YOU couldn't write the rant! And what was the other reason? Oh yeah I am NOT, repeat NOT obsessed with George or Fred or Ron unlike SOME people I know! I am not a major Harry Potter fan! I'm sorry! I did the best I could! Yeah Weaver rocks! Weaver, you rock! And no wonder I never have any damn money if you keep telling people how to get it off me! (Jacintha that is, not Weaver) *evil smirk* How much money do you owe me again? Hmm? If people want to say who they prefer, Beth or Aisling, (and keep in mind that it ME who's writing this story!) they can! And Snapes hair? What's with Snapes hair? Oh, Snapes HEIR! *wicked grin* Why didn't you say so? Omigod, I cant believe I forgot about the other ones! *rubs hands together* HEHEHEHEH!! A plot bunny has arrived! Yay Im done.  
  
Sage of Dreams (that's all your getting!): No, you're not annoying me yet, I got over thirty cousins on my mothers side and I've babysat every one of them. You'll have to try a lot harder than that to annoy me! AND YOU CANT HAVE HM BACK!!! ITS TOO LATE!! HES ALL MINE!!!! ER, AISLINGS!!!!!!  
  
Dragonlet: Okay, well! Beth made a comment about lizards being big. Xizor is a lizard, a highly evolved lizard, but a lizard nonetheless. But the two together, add Aislings mind and all the sexual innuendo that goes with it and TA-DA! No? Okay, Aisling took it as Xizor being "that big." No? Does the word "genitalia" mean anything to you? Got it yet? *gives up* Shes talking about his height and they were high!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: Thank you! And I can but try!  
  
Jake the Steak: Woopedoooo! Thank you! And er, yeah as soon as I run out of humour!  
  
Dark Side Luke: hey your right, who the hells cares what the, thingy, is called! So form now on, its now name is, THINGY! Cheers man!  
  
Psycho Sith: Well finally! There was no pointing hanging on to the damn thing if you kept loosing it! So now you can adjust to really being without an ass.  
  
Weaver: WOHOO YOU ROCK!! Ah, well d'you know what? You may know how to say, spell and type confuzzled, but until you are truly confuzzled, you can never grasp its true meaning. Which shall be revealed to you when you are, thoroughly confuzzled! *raises eyebrow* Why would I do that? I mean you only review every chapter, give loads of praise and generally act just like a proper loony should, um where was I going with this? *pause* Of course I will! Would parody LotR, but unfortunately don't know that much about it. Im getting the money up to buy the set *glowers at Jacintha* and I may be able to afford it this century if people don't keep telling other people how to take it all off me! To you're conFUSED questions, no its not the Executor or the Chimaera. The Chimaera is Grand Admiral Thrawns *sigh* Thrawn *sound of someone coming back to earth with a bang* and, (thanks again goes to Jaina Skywalker) Vader doesn't get the Executer until Luke and Leia and han and Chewie and them are on Hoth. K? I know! I saw AotC last night! Still in a daze! When he goes all pissy and chops up all the guys cos they, *looks up to see every reader who hasne seen the film yet levelling a weapon at her head* Er, yeah it rocked! And Yoda! *ducks* Alright! Ill shut up about it! *fume* BTW "over here" is Ireland, no deal please. And in all the Sith hells does "glomp" mean? WOHOO I'm done here too!  
  
Biblehermione: maybe later, but mesa got ideas for the crew!  
  
Phoenix Wing Star: I'm so glad you like! First time someones given me strawberries and chocolate, internet or "real" life. Nuf said.  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Yeah, one of my better ones! *snigger* I hope you do have it updated, cos if I go check after this and its STILL not updated. Well *smirk* you wont be having much fun, but I will!  
  
Yeah dedications finished! Now, on with the fic! To all of you not fallen asleep on you keyboards that is!  
  
Do enjoy, then tell me!  
  
'Hey baby, hey baby, hey!' echoed around the corridor as the pair made their way to the Grand Corridor and the way out of the Palace. Two stormtroopers trailed behind them, each cursing their own rotten luck.  
  
'Why are there trees in front of us?' Beth asked, turning a corner and walking out in the Grand Corridor. 'I could have sworn I was in a building a moment ago.'  
  
'Yes Beth,' Aisling replied. 'But this is Coruscant, remember? Nothing but buildings? The trees have to go somewhere. These are ch'hala trees. Here, check this out.' She went to the nearest tree and traced a line on the trunk, knowing full well that the microphone inside the trunk was recording everything. Where her finger touched, the bark of the tree flushed a vivid purple, which spread and flared before dissipating and fading back to the normal colour of the bark. 'Isn't that just deadly?'  
  
'Very nice,' Beth yawned. 'Come on, I got money burning a hole in my pocket. I wanna go shopping!' Aisling chuckled and let her friend drag her along.  
  
'I wonder why we got the money,' she mused, when going out the huge double doors.  
  
'I guess all that whingeing finally got to him I guess, or at least to the guys listening at least,' Beth replied, then stopped dead, gaping. The plaza that they had walked out on was dozens and dozens of stories up in the air, but it wasn't the height that shocked her. It was all the ships and speeders and things that were crisscrossing the skies on forty different levels, and some, Aisling noted, that weaved around the others with reckless and foolhardy abandon. 'Woah,' Beth gasped. Aisling, who had seen the sight many a time on the TV and cinema screen, grinned at her.  
  
'Well at least now we know that we're definitely bugged,' she said, completing the thought. After Vader left, the girls had set up a campaign of complaints, whines and wails, all of which centred around the fact that they had no money and only one set of clothes, bar the dresses. After some three hours, an officer had arrived at their door with a pouch full of credits, which added up to a considerable amount of cash. The officer had handed over the pouch, said; 'Now bloody shut up!' and stalked off. Immediately, the pair had gone out shopping. Unfortunately, since they had bumped into Vader on the way, they were now saddled with the two troopers "For their own protection." Exactly who needed protection from who was unclear.  
  
'Where to first?' Aisling asked. A loud growl sounded from the region of Beth's stomach. 'D'you want to wait before we eat?' she continued innocently. Beth looked at her.  
  
'Maybe we'll just get a snack?' she replied wryly. 'She turned to the stormtroopers. 'D'you guys know a good place to eat?'  
  
'And what then?' The stormtrooper shifted uncomfortably. He was giving his report to his superior officer, but in the presence of Palpatine and Vader. After the day he'd had, he could feel his nerves snapping.  
  
'Well, Denaet and I brought him to The Lazy Eye; it's a diner, for breakfast. After that they went shopping.' The officer, a sergeant, looked at his datapad.  
  
'I've got a report here that says you and Denaet came into the Palace, "laden down with bags and boxes." Explain.'  
  
'The females went into every boutique, shop, stall and open cargo hold we passed and every time tried on at least five outfits. Each. And they asked our opinions. On every one of them. And then asked why.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'I have no idea, they bought nearly every one of them anyway.'  
  
'No, what did they ask you, about your opinions.'  
  
'Why, for example, I thought the pink looked better than the yellow.'  
  
'Oh, why did it?'  
  
'I don't know! I had to say something!' Vader and Palpatine exchanged glances, both fighting to keep from grinning.  
  
'What happened then?' the sergeant asked, and immediately regretted it as the troopers face -he had removed his helmet- fell.  
  
'They went shopping for shoes.'  
  
'Shoes?'  
  
'And boots and sandals and stilettos that they cant walk more than three foot in and odd little things called kitten heels,' he droned in the manner of a man who had to learn more about footwear in one day than any sane man wanted to know in a lifetime. 'And after that, they went and spent three hours doing something to their hair while we sat in the waiting room.'  
  
'I did not notice any difference,' Vader remarked, surprised. The trooper nodded.  
  
'Neither did we, but we decided not to say anything.' *we prefer our heads on our shoulders you know* he added in the semi-privacy-he was in the presence of the Sith Lords after all- of his own skull. 'Then we went to a tapcafé,' he continued aloud. 'And they sat and talked and laughed and giggled. For hours.' The stormtrooper frowned. 'They got very giggly round about the time they stopped speaking Basic.' There was a moments silence as each male contemplated exactly what they may have been talking about. Vaders idea, amazingly enough, was the cleanest.  
  
'And after that?' Vader said at last. The trooper came back from the world of Smut with a bang.  
  
'Hmm.' The trooper frowned. 'They wanted to come back.' The sergeant caught the puzzled expression on the troopers face.  
  
'Why does this seem odd to you?' he asked him.  
  
'Well sir, I've been on shopping trips with my wife and her friends before,' he said. 'And they never return before the money is spent and the feet are worn off. Their feet sir, not mine.' He winced, remembering a particularly long spree. 'The females had barely spent half the money given to them and they were practically running down the street when they told us that they wished to return.  
  
'Half the money,' Palpatine interrupted, eyebrow raised. 'They came back with at least fifty outfits each. They didn't have that much credits.'  
  
'Yes sire,' the trooper agreed. 'But they haggled for every purchase and paid practically nothing for half the stuff.'  
  
'I see,' Palpatine murmured, exchanging a wry look with Vader. 'Continue.'  
  
'Thank you sire. I feel there is a reason for their coming back so early.'  
  
'Early?' the sergeant repeated, looking at him like he were mad. 'You call five and a hours, early?'  
  
'With the amount of money they had left over sir, I would call three days early.'  
  
'Dismissed,' Palpatine said after a moment. Both trooper and sergeant bowed and left. 'What do you think of that Vader?' Vader shrugged.  
  
'Beth asked me once what the nightlife on Imperial City was like. I think they're planning on heading out. For the rest of the week it seems.' Palpatine drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair.  
  
'What do you suggest?'  
  
'Send Mara Jade out with them,' Vader replied, though a bit reluctantly. He had a grudging respect for the woman, but didn't trust her. *Mind you* he thought. *I don't really trust anyone do I?* 'That way we can keep an eye on them without drawing attention.' There was another reason. He really didn't want to hear Beth and Aisling giving out hell with large shovels about how their night was ruined because of trooper chaperones.  
  
Evidently Palpatine felt the same because he agreed and called for Mara Jade.  
  
'When will the Avenger be ready to leave orbit?' he asked, while waiting for her to arrive.  
  
'Ten hours,' was the reply. 'Does anyone else know that I am going to the Unknown Regions?'  
  
'No,' the Emperor replied, a bit surprised. Vader never asked that before. 'Why?'  
  
'Aisling said that she thought that I was supposed to be in the Unknown Regions this morning. I am curious as to how she knew.'  
  
'As am I,' Palpatine murmured. 'We'll have to keep a closer watch on them. Ah, Mara Jade,' he said as the door opened.  
  
'Master,' Mara Jade said, bowing. 'Lord Vader.'  
  
'Mara Jade, you are to go out with Aisling O' Connell and Bethany Walsh tonight.' Mara Jade blinked.  
  
'Yes Master, but since I'm heterosexual that may prove a problem.'  
  
'No,' Palpatine said hurriedly, ignoring Vaders sudden coughing fit. 'They are going out for a night on the town and you are to accompany them.'  
  
'Oh, of course Master,' Mara Jade said. 'Should I go and introduce myself?'  
  
'Yes, do it now.'  
  
'Yes Master.' Mara Jade bowed and left and as the door closed she heard Palpatine yell, 'Stop sniggering!' She chuckled to herself and set off in the direction of the pairs flat. Now, if the stories she'd heard were even partly true, tonight would be a bloody good night indeed. Maybe she should see if Daala was still in town, make a right girls night of it.  
  
She smirked and hummed a party tune to herself in the elevator.  
  
Oh the endless possibilities for fun!!  
  
Waddya think? Sorry about the delay, had it all written (Yes I still use pen and paper!) but not typed, so I obviously couldn't update it!  
  
There will not be so long a delay for the next one, I think. No promises!! 


	10. RUN LADS RUN!

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing! Well, Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacinthas, so she owns her. But beyond that I own nothing! Try and sue and I will make your life more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're not much use at all are you?  
  
In this exciting chapter, is a girls night out, plain and simple. That's it. Seriously.  
  
Dark Side Luke: Um, no. I'm not into that kind of thing, which is why I made a joke of it, see?  
  
Celestia Vitaria: You updated!! Woohoo!! And as soon as this is done, im gonna read and review it! Yes, I backed out of uploading this to check if you HAD uploaded yours, then left without reading it. *ponders for a moment* Moving swiftly along!  
  
Weaver: *smirk* hey, when you got it, you got it. Thanks for the clearing up, I had begun to wonder in what context I should see the word. *smirk* Now I know. But Know im confuzzled on ROFLMAO! I know what LMAO means but whats the rest of it? *throws hands in the air, and catches them again* I give up! Im so gonna see it again this w-end with my little sister, I have her hooked. Yeah I should be studying, but hey! Its Star Wars! About Mara Jade, I always saw her as someone who'd party hardy just as hard as anyone else, should the right pair of lunatics come along. Guess what? They have!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: I should hope the humour never stops, I've given my best friend permission to beat me over the head should this turn even the slightest bit angsty! Neddless to say Im worried bcos its Jacintha! What the hell was I thinking?!  
  
Dragonlet: yes pity the people! Those poor people! *snigger*  
  
Sage of Dreams: *reads the name for the fifth time, raises eyebrow* you really are trying to annoy me, aren't you? Well aall your doing is paving the way to carpal tunnel syndrome for yourself and doing nothing to me. *smirk, snigger, smirk* Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou and again, thank you! Hehehehe! Two Thrawns! Alright so they're clones, but two Thrawns!!!!! If you never hear from me again, I'm in a happy place, don't you DARE disturb me!  
  
Padawan JanAQ: Glad you enjoy it, yay, and of course!  
  
Biblehermione: yes I know, it's the reason why I picked her and, someone else out for it. *smirk* vader Xizor and Palpy may think that they're the big bads, but in comparison, hehe, nope!  
  
And heeeeeere it is!  
  
Aisling opened the door to see an unknown woman standing on the threshold.  
  
'Can I hep you?' she asked, a bit perplexed. The woman smiled.  
  
'Hello. I'm Mara Jade.' *Ah* Aisling thought. *I might've known* 'I heard you were planning on hitting the town tonight and I thought that you might like a guide.' She glanced behind Aisling to where Beth could be seen ranting about how there was no stereo. (A/N ever notice how getting ready without music is damn-near impossible? Odd thing, aint it?) 'This, is the flat of Aisling O' Connell and Bethany Walsh, right?'  
  
'Yes it is, I' Aisling by the way.' She looked into the flat. 'And the loony toon with the rant addiction is Beth.' She looked back at Mara Jade, who was grinning madly. 'We're planning on heading about in about two, three hours. How about you get ready in your place and then come up here and we head out together?'  
  
'Sounds good to me,' Mara agreed. 'Do you mind if I bring a friend along?'  
  
'As long as he aint another damn trooper,' Beth called, having heard the question. Mara laughed, she had heard the various reports and tales about their various encounters with stormtroopers.  
  
'Don't worry,' she reassured. 'Daala aint no trooper.' She chuckled. 'Definitely not a trooper.' Aisling grinned widely. (A/N D'ya guess whos coming along yet?)  
  
'That's grand so. You and Daala get ready and we'll wait for you here, k?'  
  
'Yep, great. I'll see in a couple of hours.'  
  
'See ya then.' Aisling closed the door and chuckled to herself.  
  
'Question?' Beth said, somewhat indistinctly due to the food in her mouth. 'Why did you invite two complete strangers?' Aisling smiled slyly at her friend and put a finger to her lips. Beth grinned evilly and nodded slowly.  
  
'So what are you wearing?' Aisling asked, going into her bedroom.  
  
'Slutsville. You?'  
  
'Whore City.'  
  
'Sounds good.'  
  
'Looks better!' they shouted together and laughed as they got ready.  
  
Two Hours Later  
  
'Hello? Oh, hey. Beth! Get a move on! Ready? Lets go!' (A/N I.e. in doorway, wanting to get out asap!)  
  
Some Time And More Places Later  
  
'By this time he's so out of it that he's forgotten where his quarters are and I've got to find it out. I didn't know at this stage, obviously. And I had to find out discretely even, cos a Grand Moff dead drunk on the street isn't the best image for the Imperial Navy,' Daala was saying as Aisling came back with another round of drinks.  
  
'Who are you talking about?' she asked, siting down.  
  
'Tarkin. Anyway,' Daala continued. 'While my back was "turned," ' Daala smirked. 'Some cadets literally fell over him and decided to take him back to their place until he recovered.'  
  
'And where were you while this went on?' Daala smirked again and took a drink of her Correllian Ale.  
  
'I was looking for an air-taxi and had my back completely turned as the cadets dragged him off, singing and cursing the whole time of course.' She sniggered at the memory, as did the others.  
  
'And there was me thinking you two were such a happy couple,' Mara Jade laughed.  
  
'Well, is it my fault that he decided to be an ignorant bollix that night? Anyway, Tarkin woke up in the cadet's dormitory with a splitting headache and no idea as to how he got there. The fact that the dormitory was so cramped that they all had to share billets didn't help I'm sure.'  
  
'Oh no,' Beth laughed. 'Tarkin woke up in a cadets bed?'  
  
'And the cadet was still in it!' other patrons of the bar looked around as the four females burst out laughing. 'He had to sneak out of the dormitory before anyone woke up and get to his own quarters, which were more than three miles away!' Daala continued when she had partly recovered. 'He somehow made it without being seen, but when he finally got there, there was a trooper waiting with a message from Vader to see him as soon as he got in.'  
  
'He didn't!' Aisling gasped. 'Daala nodded.  
  
'He did! He didn't even go into his quarters to clean up! Just turned right back around and went straight to Vader. Can you imagine it? He was covered in mud, muck, vomit and booze, reeking to the heavens, with a black eye he'd picked up somewhere along the line and was so hung-over he could barely stand! And he appeared before Vader like that!' The table erupted again.  
  
'What did Vader do?' Beth giggled.  
  
'Tarkin said that the meeting was extremely rushed, Vader kept coughing and as he left, ordered him to have a very long bath!'  
  
Two human males came up to the table while they were still laughing over this one.  
  
'Hello ladies,' one drawled.  
  
'GO AWAY!!!!' The simultaneous roars made the two men jump out of their skin and beat a hasty retreat, which made the four women collapse all over again.  
  
A Lot More Time Later  
  
'Two thousand bottles of OW-EE!' Mad drunken flailing from her accomplices cut off the singer and, thankfully, the song.  
  
The troopers on guard in the plaza looked at each other in resignation. A song like that ended to get around.  
  
Soon they heard four beings stumbling in the approximate direction of the Palace. A tricky business, seeing as each being had at least two different ideas of where the damn huge building was, never mind the doors.  
  
' "It's not like you, to say sorry," ' two of them started belting out.  
  
'Mara, d'you know this?' another asked.  
  
'Not a damn clue Daala.'  
  
'Oh, okay then.'  
  
' "I was waiting on a different story. This time I'm, mistaken, for handing you a heart worth breaking." '  
  
The troopers decided not to stall them, they might actually stay. So they watched them weave their uncertain way in, damaging walls and statues on the way.  
  
' "And I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle." '  
  
'Hey I know that bit,' they heard the first lone voice call out triumphantly.  
  
' "These five words in my head, scream are we having fun yet?" '  
  
'And that one!'  
  
The troopers watched them stumble into the Grand Corridor and turned back to the planet-wide city. Four drunken lunatics stumbling into the Palace had nothing to do with them. No of course not. They were only stormtrooper. Enough said.  
  
The group halted, eventually, outside one of the elevators.  
  
'So what now?' one said, somewhat muffled because for some odd reason that she couldn't fathom, someones hair was in her face. (A/N the hair on the HEAD you sick people!)  
  
'How about we go up to our place, crack open some bottles, play some cards, you know, finish the night off properly,' another said, who had a good chance of being either Aisling or Beth.  
  
'Sounds good,' yet another said. 'What time is it?' Mara somehow managed to focus on her chronometer.  
  
'Uh, six in the morning.'  
  
'It's not is it?' Daala groaned. 'Dammit, I'm supposed to be heading off planet in two hours.'  
  
'Oh I'm sure they can get someone else to fill in for you,' Beth yawned.  
  
'Yes Beth, an Admiral cancelling a mission because she's langered. That'll really help my career.'  
  
'Admiral?' Beth asked focusing properly for the first time in some two or three hours. 'You never said you were an Admiral.'  
  
'You never asked,' Daala replied, disentangling herself from the group. 'No, I gotta get sober, showered and uniformed so I bid thee goodnight.'  
  
'Night!' all three yelled and giggled hilariously at their cleverness. The wall they were leaning on opened -seeing as it was the elevator door- and they fell into the lift.  
  
'Er, this is my stop,' a voice said as a trooper, having recognised them, vaulted over them and out the door. (A/N Smart man that trooper, eh?) Beth somehow managed to hit the right button and the elevator went upwards.  
  
Aisling and Mara Jade managed to get to their feet, mainly by steadying themselves on each other and then helped Beth regain her feet. Then they turned and saw:  
  
'Troopers!'  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!'  
  
Poor bastards never had a chance.  
  
Dun-dun-DUN! Methinks I'll leave it there.  
  
Oh, and the whole drunkenness thing, actually happened to a guy I know in the FCA (Army reserves here in Ireland) but he was a gunner i.e. private, not a Moff.  
  
I got a good one coming up! So make sure that you remember this fic and review! 


	11. Who's Up For Some Revenge?

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
Reinforcement of exactly how Beth feels about all things reptilian, (hehehehe) a little thing that may solve all of the Empires problems, and just some useless humour. Sound good?  
  
*fume* I cant believe nobody told me when I made mistakes! I was reading back through the story and I spotted all these things that are wrong! Minbam is not out on the Outer Rim, its in the Expansion Sector! And Ch'hala trees don't flash purple, they flash red! Any more if you spot anything that isn't right, will you tell me? Thank you.  
  
Major announcement coming. Ready? Okay;  
  
I graduated yesterday!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've finished school!!!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! (Unknown commentator: You have to do the Leaving cert in less than two weeks) *barely pausing, ihadanepiphany picks up the commentator and throws him out the door, car door, on a highway, in the path of an incoming artic-truck* YEAH!!!!!!!! Don't you all feel so happy for me?  
  
Heres the dedications: *trumpet*  
  
Celestia Vitaria: hey, I'm the author and I don't know why Vader hasn't killed them yet!! Yeah I know, take one Admiral, one Emperors hand, and two intergalactic loonies, add copious amounts of various types of alcohol, and that semi-mythical substance called "good time" and what do you get? Dammed if I know. Read the last chapter again and find out! Read reviewed and when this is up, I'm going checking to see if you've updated. I hope you have.  
  
Jacintha: *slow, very slow smile* You can but try, child. You can but try.  
  
Dark Side Luke: I'm wondering should I be worried now. Oh what the hell, it aint my local.  
  
Vixen: How is that a bad thing? It's a helluva lot more aint it?! Sorry if you're confused, I'll try and make it easier.  
  
Weaver: Thank you sooooooo much! Hell yeah she deserved it! She got to be an Admiral! The girl needed a good night out! Trying to figure out how to get them to meet the Rebels, but I keep going down the cursed path of Angst! I cant go down there! I've been there! Its not nice! Down there lies tears and sore heads! Especially when Jacinthas standing behind you!  
  
Psycho Sith: You laughed your ass off how many times and you say "now THAT was funny" ? Woohoo! That means its getting better! Yay!!!!!  
  
Sage of Dreams: YEASSSSSSSS!!!!! Do and I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll continue writing this fic! (epiphany, you were going to do that anyway) Does she have to know that? Heheheheheheheheheheheheh *etc etc etc until ihadanepiphany had to be carried away for treatment*  
  
Biblehermione: You know me so well! Scary!  
  
If anyone has ideas for this fic, don't hesitate to tell me and if used, you will get credit and if I don't, you'll get it anyway. So if any of you loonies or wannabe loonies out there got a funny thing, or not so funny even, give me the deal and I'll see what I can do!  
  
*~* means change of scene, k?  
  
What are you waiting for? Read the story!  
  
Beth and Aisling were strolling through the Grand Corridor, just chatting, looking for something to do and someone to annoy. Then Beth groaned.  
  
'Oh dammit!' she hissed. Aisling glanced at her friend, who had the expression of someone inches away from a full-blown cringe fit.  
  
'What is it?' she asked, looking at where her friend was looking.  
  
'Xizor,' Beth growled. 'Eugh, ugh, yuck, eeuw, ick.' (A/N I think her feelings are clear, don't you?)  
  
'Still sore about it eh?' Aisling grinned, looking at the ch'hala tree less than a foot from them. Beth gave her a look that has no verbal equivalent.  
  
'I can't believe you never told me,' she hissed, trying to find a way out where Xizor wouldn't spot them. 'I mean, you let me, and you knew, and you know and, eeeeuuuuuwwwwww!'  
  
'Let?' Aisling repeated, raising an eyebrow. 'Since when were you ever "let" do anything? Reverse psychology books have whole chapters dedicated to you, you know.'  
  
'You know well what I mean,' Beth shot back. 'I cant believe I let him near me!' she wailed. Aisling wisely bit back the comments that leapt to mind. 'I mean, I cant believe that he, we, it, ACK! Eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-eeuw- eeuw-EEUW! I need a bath! A long hot bath!'  
  
'But first, how about we get out of here?'  
  
'Lead the way!'  
  
*~*  
  
Palpatine gestured and the recording ended. There was silence, except for Vaders ventilator, which seemed to be having some kind mechanical failure, and the almost audible embarrassment and humiliation of the Faleen Prince.  
  
'That was recorded this afternoon,' the Emperor stated. There was no sign of amusement in his face, voice or posture, no mean feat considering the fact that Vader was in stitches in the back of his mind, the Imperial Guards were just about able to stand straight and the fact that he himself was dying laughing in his head. 'I assume that you know who the two speakers are, Xizor?'  
  
The Faleen nodded, face burning to the degree that Palpatine was wondering if his robes would catch fire. Vader raised a hand.  
  
'Master,' he said. Vader was in fact standing on board the Avenger some 50 lightyears away; he was here in holo form. 'I am unsure as to the exact identity of the second speaker, perhaps if we listened again?' He gestured as Palpatine nodded and the recording began again.  
  
' "Oh dammit," ' the recording said. They listened for a bit, Xizor somehow managing not to loose it when the hole in the earth resolutely refused to open. (A/N Don't you HATE it when that happens?!)  
  
' "I cant believe I let him near me!" ' Vader paused the recording.  
  
'I am unsure as to what has just been said, bad reception.' He rewound the sentence and played it again.  
  
' "I cant believe I let him come near me!" '  
  
'Once more.'  
  
' "I cant believe I let him come near me!" ' (A/N Sadism can be so much fun some times!)  
  
'I think I got it now.' He turned to Palpatine. 'So the speaker is in fact saying that she was unable to realize how she allowed Prince Xizor, Prince Xizor of the Faleen, get anywhere near her. Am I correct in that assumption?'  
  
'You are correct.'  
  
'Just wanted to be sure. Shall we carry on?'  
  
' "I mean, you let me, and you knew, and you know, and eeeeuuuuuwwwwww!" '  
  
Vader stopped the recording.  
  
'Odd word that, isn't it Master? Eeuw. Wonder what it means.'  
  
'It may mean disgust and loathing.'  
  
'It could be, it could be. Do think that is what it means in this context?'  
  
'It is possible. Perhaps if we listened again, its full meaning could be understood.'  
  
'Lets try.' Again Vader rewound the recording a small bit and played it.  
  
' "…eeeeuuuuuwwwwww!" '  
  
'You know Vader, I think it could definitely mean disgust and loathing.'  
  
'I think so too Master. Shall we try and decipher the rest of the recording.'  
  
'We shall.' Vader started the recording again, as Xizor tried to burrow himself into his robes.  
  
They listened again for a bit.  
  
' "I cant believe I let him near me!" '  
  
'There's that sentiment of regret again.'  
  
' "I mean, I cant believe that he, we, it, ACK!" ' This time it was Palpatine who stopped the recording.  
  
'That's an even odder word. Ack. I wonder what "ack" is supposed to convey?' Vader shrugged innocently.  
  
'A stronger feeling of disgusted loathing? Coupled with the desire or need to vomit?'  
  
Palpatine considered this.  
  
'Plausible. But what was the little pausing for?'  
  
'What, these?' Vader resound to where he wanted it and played.  
  
' "…he, we, it, ACK!" '  
  
'Yes, those. What do those mean?' Xizor looked from Palpatines interested expression to Vaders mask, wishing that they would finish so that he could go and kill himself.  
  
'The inability to put the strength of her disgust and loathing into words?' Vader suggested.  
  
'I believe you are right Vader. Continue with the recording.'  
  
' "Eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-EEUW!" '  
  
Palpatine and Vader were mercifully silent for that one. The Emperor turned to Xizor.  
  
'Is there a reason for that conversation between Bethany Walsh and Aisling O' Connell?' Vader fiddled with the recording.  
  
' "Eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-eeuw-EEUW!" '  
  
'Yes sire,' Xizor replied, trying to ignored the armoured Sith who was moving his hand like an ancient disk-jockey.  
  
' "…eeue-eeuw-EEUW!-eeuw-eeuw…" '  
  
'And that was?'  
  
' "…ee-eeuw-uw-EEUW!…'  
  
'Bethany Walsh and I had, sexual relations,' he stammered. Somehow, telling the Emperor, he of the saggy, dead, white, lumpy skin and yellow eyes, that you had sex felt wrong. (A/N All of you, who ever had to have "the facts of life" explained by an elderly nun or priest, {pity me, I had to survive both} may have an inkling of how wrong this feels. To all of you lucky bitches and bastards who did NOT have to got through that, you have no idea at all) And Vader messing with that dammed recording didn't help matters.  
  
' "…EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWW!-eeuw-eeeeuuww…" ' Palpatine paused and looked at his apprentice, fingers drumming on the arm of his chair. Vader looked up at him and dropped his hand. The recording stopped and Xizor was overcome with relief. Palpatine looked back at him and he stood straight again.  
  
'That is all,' he said. 'I merely wished to enlighten you as to Bethany Walsh's feelings on the matter, should you have be under any, illusions.' He watched the Faleen for a moment. Xizor kept his face carefully neutral. 'Dismissed.'  
  
The Prince bowed, turned and damn-near ran out of the room. As soon as the door closed, the two Sith Lords, Masters of the Dark Side and rulers of the galaxy, pissed themselves laughing. (A/N Hey, I would)  
  
*~*  
  
Some time later, in the Unknown Regions  
  
Vader regarded the contraption with suspicion. It looked like a jury-rigged set of holo-projectors, one set above the other. A confusing array of wires and connectors and ribbon tape somehow disappeared into the base of a control panel that was covered with a dazzling display of buttons. The kind that made Beth have an obsessive compulsion to push. Vader leafed through an old book that appeared to be written as an instruction manual.  
  
'As far as we've been able to tell,' an officer was telling him. 'It's a matter transporter. But we have been unable to find the dials for the co- ordinates.' Vader looked at the panel, a past conversation echoing in his head.  
  
'Perhaps,' he said slowly. 'It is voice activated.' There was something, odd about this machine, odder even than the thing itself.  
  
'We've tried that, my lord.' Vader poked around in the device with the Force and found it, a type of alien mind reader, thingy. (A/N yes! Another thingy!) Very interesting.  
  
'Try the name of the place rather than the co-ordinates.'  
  
'Yes, my lord.' A box of parts was placed on the base of the thing and the troopers scurried out of the way.  
  
'Bridge of the Avenger,' Vader said and the officer pressed the only button that appeared to have any real use. The machine glowed and the box disappeared.  
  
A moment later, there came a squawk from the open comlink on the officer's belt.  
  
'Where the hell did this shagging box come from?!' they heard the captain yell. 'Get this blasted thing off me!'  
  
'It seems my guess was correct,' Vader mused as the others sniggered.  
  
Three hours later and they had discovered that people could also be sent through the contraption. They sent a trooper to the Avenger, one to nearby Csilla, one to Imperial City, one to Malastare and one all the way across the galaxy to Mon Calamari. According to the rather shocked reports, the troopers had suffered no apparent harm, though each one reported intense cold.  
  
It would doubtless come in very handy.  
  
'How did you come across such a device?' Vader asked the general in charge a while later.  
  
'We were excavating for a base in the mountains,' the general said. 'When the sensors picked it up. It took us quite a while to figure out what it did.'  
  
'It is to be taken to my ship,' Vader ordered. 'It will be brought to the Emperor. Dismissed.'  
  
'Yes my lord.' The general bowed and left.  
  
'Very handy indeed,' Vader muttered, looking at it before turning and sweeping out. Though he'd have to find out how to finish the cursed game first, of course. (A/N You thought I forget about it, didn't you? No such luck!)  
  
*~*  
  
Emperor Palpatine was having a meeting with his twelve Grand Admirals. And Beth and Aisling. They weren't technically supposed to be there, but only one was sure enough of himself to try and remove them and Palpatine couldn't be bothered. Bar one Grand Admiral who was now nursing various parts of himself and glowering, from a safe distance of course.  
  
The meeting was droning and dragging on and on and even Palpatines eyes were drooping by the time one of the more pompous Grand Admirals sat back down. There was silence for a moment or two as they all tried to wake up some brain cells.  
  
'Mmm,' someone murmured. 'George.'  
  
The silence went on, but gained a much more thoughtful and curious air. Then, as one man, they all turned to look at a bench by the wall. Seated on were Beth, who was clearly in dreamland and enjoying every moment of it, and Aisling, who was shaking in silent mirth.  
  
'Um,' Palpatine said after a moment. 'Okay. Thrawn, what of your last mission to the Unknown Regions?'  
  
'Mmm, Fred.'  
  
The Grand Admirals looked carefully at Thrawn who pointed at Beth, conveying the message of "That was all her! Not me! Her! Stop looking at me like that!" Odd noises were coming from Aisling, who was finding it difficult to breathe AND keep her balance at the same time.  
  
Palpatine decided to ignore them and nodded at Thrawn who picked up his report.  
  
'George,' Beth half-moaned, followed closely by the thud of Aisling falling off her chair.  
  
'Bethany Walsh!' Palpatine roared, jumping to his feet. The effect was surprising. Beth hopped up and stood to attention.  
  
'Square-root-of-X2-minus-X1-to-be-squared-plus-Y2-minus-Y1-to-be-squared.' Then she blinked and looked around. 'Um, yeah, okay.' (A/N Anyone recognise that formula?)  
  
'You're not in maths class Beth,' Aisling giggled, from her position on the floor, being unable to get up.  
  
'No, you're not,' Palpatine growled. 'Out!'  
  
'Oh, but, cant we stay?' Beth pleaded. 'Please? Please? Please? Please? Woah!' This last was because the Emperor had picked them both up with the Force, opened the doors and tossed them through.  
  
'Alright!' they heard Aisling yell before the doors slammed shut. 'We know when to take a hint!'  
  
  
  
*snigger* Ya like? Ya don't like? Tell me anyway!  
  
Some things, the matter transporter yokimabobby is my own invention. It is, for all of you have sufficient braincells and imagination to notice, *smirk* loosely based on the Star Trek transporters. But this one can read minds and only needs one button pushed, i.e. so much better! Therefore, much more suited to Star Wars, don't you think? *smirk snigger smirk* It will also have some bearing on the plot, so make sure you remember it!  
  
The whole "mmm George" thing, is from an experience that Jacintha had in school recently, though I'll most likely be killed for telling you all.  
  
The recording is just a bit of sadistic humour that's the result of too many hours of study and hanging around with a group of idiot adolescent lads for too long. Plus, Jacintha promised to kill me very slowly if I didn't exact some revenge on Xizor. I didn't have a problem with it, so there it is!  
  
I hope you all enjoyed it and tune in for the next thrilling instalment of, "Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord"!!! 


	12. Where is it?!!!

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
Is it just me, or have I broken not just 100 but 110? I have! And it's all thanks to you guys!!! YOU ALL ROCK!! SO MUCH!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anyway, the jist of this bit; Beth looses something. That's about it. This will be continued for a while, sorry but it will go somewhere eventually. I swear! And its short I know, but Ill have more up tomorrow. I will! Stop looking at me like that!!!!  
  
Dedications time!  
  
Weaver: Of COURSE I mean Fred and George Weasley! Who else would Jacintha, er, Beth be sighing about? *snigger wink* Thank You! You're the first to congratulate me! *glares at other readers* Wouldn't it though?! Um, I'm almost ashamed to say this, but *in a low mutter* IhaventreadShadowsoftheEmpire. Don't kill me! Though the idea of corruption does appeal *snigger* You know what they say about great minds thinking alike! *bows* Thank you, thank you, I only try.  
  
Sono Kuro Hikari: Thanks for the tell-back, and for the clearing up.  
  
DragonElf-86: One dedication per. He really doesn't do he? *snigger* Yes, a black armour clad Sith Lord laughing his arse off WOULD be hard to imagine wouldn't it?! No, but its true. Tried to have out clubbing, didn't work. So I left it to the girls. I think it worked! You two? Us three you mean! Mara Jade aint no slouch you know! Fun is where you find it but more often where you make it. Fun! Make fun people! Nothing else! Good clean fun! That's all! *thinks a moment then reads the story again* Well maybe not ALL! Woohoo! You congratulated me too! Thank you!!! Yes, that can make an impression on young minds. I'm the prize example of EXACTLY what a convent education does to children. Yeah, I know it's the distance formula. But I can never remember it so I put it in the story in the hopes that it would help. It hasn't. yeah I think so too! And it's a bit late to be worrying about his sanity, don't you think? I'm not letting him finish it that easily! He has to suffer a bit more first. *dazzling smile* It WAS rude! But when you're the Emperor of the galaxy, you tend to forget about little things like manners! Phew! Thanks for the reviews!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Little thing you gotta remember Vitaria, BREATHE BETWEEN CHAPTERS!! That way, you only loose consciousness from laughing. *grumble* You'd better update! And soon!  
  
Cali Vianya: *preen* yes, I was destined for greatness! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Distance Formula! Yeah, sad I know, but hey. *raises eyebrow* Well of course I'm continuing on! You really think that anyone can stop me now?  
  
Jedi Knight 666: Who needs sanity? Waste of brain cells! And if you're like me, you don't have any brain cells to waste! So you're much better without it. BTW not idiots, lunatics. If they were idiots, they would be nowhere near as successful, would they be? Great idea! Hmmm, plot bunnies!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!  
  
Sage of Dreams: Yeah, I know! Doesn't it just?! Noooo! IRT Cant end!!! It mustn't end!!! At the rate of your usual updating, it'll never be finished, so I cant end, can it? *giggle* Formula is, as said twice already, the distance formula, of a line, k? ive already thanked you for that haven't I? Oh what the hell. Thankyouthankyouthankyou …etcetc ad finitum. Yay you got the 100th review! And yes, that's enough. A girl only has so much energy and hours in the day *smirk* Yes!  
  
~Sticks~ I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!!! Yeah! Well, its gotta be one of the best ways to go. I'm just glad I can make it more easy for you. *raises eyebrow* Why does everyone feel sorry for Xizor?! I never liked the mutant newt! Oh well, he gets his own back soon enough! *snigger* You'll have to wait for it though.  
  
Biblehermione: yeah, I know its funny. Or vaguely amusing anyway. *snigger* Hmm, dunno, has possibilities, but there are "Plans" with this fic and that wouldn't fit. Sorry.  
  
Jacintha: Yeah I can remember you reaction after I sent it to you! The girl was barely able to breathe! And if anyone wants to know the real 'mmm George' bit, read her review.  
  
Dark Side Luke: Thank you! *bows* Does it really mean that? I hope so! Cos I don't have a damn clue! Yes I know that I don't have a damn clue about anything anyway, but that's not the point! What was the point? I can't remember. Dammit!  
  
Pitbull Girl: Ill let you kow when they meet them, *smirk* how about that?  
  
And there you go, do enjoy the story. And do tell me. I.e. More reviews!!!!! Greed aint always a sin! Hehehehehe! *clears throat* Carry on!  
  
  
  
A Few Days Later (A/N A few days after the last chapter in other words!)  
  
'Aisling! Where is it?'  
  
'Where's what?' Aisling was munching toast at the kitchen table in the flat, while Beth was frantically searching for something. 'If it's your mind, your sanity or your general mental health your looking for, you never had any to begin with.'  
  
'I'm looking for my wallet!'  
  
'Your? What do you want a wallet for?' Aisling got up and went to lean on the jamb of her friends' bedroom door. 'The pass cards (A/N cards that let you use A.T.M.s) wont work, the I.D. is less than useless and the credits are all spent. What the hell do you want it for?' Beth stopped tossing things around in her room and moved into Aislings. 'Hey,' she cried, blocking the doorway. 'I've just tidied in here! Go and make a mess somewhere else!'  
  
'But George is in there!' Beth wailed. Aisling looked at her oddly, then into her room.  
  
'No, he isn't,' she said. 'And if he was he'd be getting a kick up the arse.' (A/N This statement got me bawled out of it by Jacintha when she heard it.)  
  
'No!' Beth growled. 'A picture of George is in my wallet!'  
  
Aisling started to say "small loss" but for the sake of survival decided not to. (A/N Wouldn't you? Are you sane? Wait a minute, you're reading this, so that means, no. ANYway!)  
  
'Where did you lose it?' she asked instead as Beth started on the kitchen and sitting room. No joy.  
  
'Well if I knew that!' she growled. She stopped in the kitchen, tapping her foot. 'I must have lost it in the Palace, cos I had it the morning after the night out.' She turned and strode towards the door. Aisling shrugged and went back to her toast.  
  
'Have a good time. No I'm not coming with you dammit!'  
  
*~*  
  
'Where the hell is it?'  
  
'For the fifth shagging time, I don't know!'  
  
They were in some corridor or other, which Aisling was sure that they had gone through twice.  
  
Vader paused (A/N yes he's back!) as he heard the two yells, then changed direction and followed after them, the officer beside him half-running to keep up with his long strides.  
  
'Are you sure you didn't take it?'  
  
'Bethany Walsh! What the hell would I be doing with your godsdammed wallet?! You've asked me ten shagging times!!'  
  
'You've done stranger things Aisling O' Connell!'  
  
Vader coughed and the two turned to face him.  
  
'Vader, when did you get back?' Aisling asked, surprised.  
  
'Did you see my wallet anywhere?' Beth asked at the same time.  
  
'Would you give the man a chance before you jump down his throat?!'  
  
'But I need George!!!'  
  
'Aisling!' Vader growled. 'Beth! Shut up a minute!' Glowering at each other, they did, as Vader took something from his belt. 'I found this in the Grand Corridor. Is it yours?'  
  
'My wallet!' Beth squealed. She ran to grab it, but Vader held it up out of her reach. 'Give me my shagging wallet!' she yelled, jumping up in and attempt to reach it.  
  
Aisling stood back and watched her hard-as-nails, obey-noone, take-no-crap best friend jump up and down like a puppy to get a wallet, which the Sith was holding just out of her reach and saying, "Here, I'm giving it to you. Would you take it? Its right here.' (A/N Don't you HATE it when someone does that to you?)  
  
Finally Beth stopped and glared at the Dark Lord. Vader looked innocent, or at least as innocent as a black death-mask could look and waved the wallet in the air.  
  
'You don't want it?' he asked. (A/N I don't know about you, but I can see him doing it. The wallet dammit! Holding the damn wallet! You sick, sick people!)  
  
'Give me back my godsdammed wallet or I'll kick you so hard you'll be giving yourself a blow-job!'  
  
The officer that stood beside Vader gave Beth a startled look and sidled away from the Sith Lord.  
  
Vader put his head on one side. 'Big words,' he taunted. 'For a small child.'  
  
Beths eyes narrowed, she took aim, stepped forward and CLANG!!!!! (A/N So kicking a codpiece very hard doesn't produce a sound like "clang" but hey. Don't ask me how I know. I just do. Really. Moving swiftly on!)  
  
Vader remained unmoved, unlike Beth who was hopping up and down on one leg clutching at her foot and gaping like a fish.  
  
'My foot!' she squawked. 'Your godsdammed armour broke my godsdammed foot!! You broke my shagging foot!!!'  
  
'Awww!' Vader jeered, as Beth hopped around hissing curses and the officer looked at him with something bordering on awe. 'Did you hurt yourself?'  
  
Aisling stared at him.  
  
'Oh, my, god,' she murmured. 'We're a bad influence on him.' She gawked as Vader picked Beth up with the Force and tossed her around the room, trailing oaths as she went. 'We've corrupted a Dark Lord of the Sith.' She grinned triumphantly. 'Woohoo!'  
  
Before any of you say it, I know that corrupting a Dark Sider would mean shoving him into the Light Side! And it does make sense! The Dark Side corrupts a Light Sider; the Light Side corrupts a Dark Sider. Geddit?  
  
Weaver: Get the comment about great minds?  
  
Hope you guys enjoyed, tell me either way. *rubs hands together and cackles* More reviews!  
  
And once again YOU GUYS JUST ROCK! 


	13. Illsuion?

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
In this little vignette, there's a cringe-fest, further violence involving the almighty wallet and a little surprise…  
  
Sticks: HOW can that be bad? They have tons of doing the stuff they, and ye have tons of fun reading about the stuff they and I have even more fun writing the stuff they do… There's a point to this, I know there is. Got it! Just get someone to write down all you and your friend exploits and you're sorted!  
  
Weaver: odd things about great minds, you usually have to have them, to be able to use them *smirk raises eyebrow* Bad luck? Hun, I don't care if the review gives me Black Death, I'm happy for it! 113?! If you'd told me when I started this that Id get half that I would have died laughing!! 113. I know, I'm terrible for not reading it! But the book shops around here are more on a lucky draw basis than anything else when it comes to Star Wars. I'm currently on the search for Last Command (yes I HAVE read it Sage, but John wants it back!) so it may have to wait! Hey, don't let me stand in the way of you and a hot guy! I wouldn't dare! I'm so glad you're addicted! *rubs hands together* Slowly my web weaves around the world, soon I will have total domination and they will be unable to resist!!! Is this thing still on?  
  
Cali Vianya: *bows* Thank you again! Hey, the good had to come from somewhere didn't it? *slow, slow little smile* Threaten me? You think to threaten me? I am quite safe from your pitiful band here! Palpatine: That's my line whore-bitch! Ihadanepiphany: *growl* (Palpatine shrinks back then walks away, whistling nonchantly) *smiles at Cali Vianya* You were saying? *smirk*  
  
DragonElf-86: *shrug* You should see Jacintha in a pissy mood. Thank you!  
  
Sage of Dreams: You're being patient? How many clones do you have? Do I really want to know? *thinks for a moment* No! I don't! You've got your eyes closed? Why? Are you sane? No wait, forgot who I was talking to! *snigger*  
  
Biblehermione: Hey, if an author don't appreciate her reviewers, she aint gonna get many reviews, is she? *shrug* maybe, Jacintha told me that I seem to be turning Vader into a male version of me. Hmm. Yeah, maybe.  
  
Celestia Vitaria: yep! Did anybody but me think it were possible? Hey, if anyone were gonna do it, these two loonies were, am I right? *growl* You'd better bloody update girl, don't make me sent you another K.U.T.A. Second ones aren't so nice. *smirk wink smirk* Sounds deadly, but for who? *chuckle*  
  
Dark Side Luke: yeah, I see your point. *laughs out loud* That still gets me! Poor Luke!  
  
H: Did you review before? It seems like you've been reding the story for a bit but have you reviewed? Read my bio! Ill try and put the authors notes at the ends of sentences anymore, k?  
  
Jacintha: yes you do! *slow smile* I'm glad we live far apart as well otherwise Id have to hurt you for that. Ah yes, revenge is in the air for Xizor… You should be scared.  
  
Jedi Knights 666: it makes all the difference don't it? Ive got an idea for them meeting the Rebels but it wont be for a bit, other stuff has to come first. So learn patience. Take a lesson from the dark side. *snigger*  
  
Yipe! I'm done. What are you guys waiting for? Read the damn story! *goes off, kicks all the clones and troopers out of her bed and falls asleep*  
  
Thrawn: Reviews wanted and needed! Shes greedy, so what?!  
  
Enjoy  
  
'You're an idiot.'  
  
'Oh come on it'll be so funny!' There was a moments silence for a few moments while the other thought about it.  
  
'Alright. What do we do?'  
  
There was another Court function that night, just like every night. All of Imperial City's rich and famous were, of course, out in force.  
  
Vader stood behind the Emperors throne and suppressed a yawn. He could see all  
  
the assorted finery and could only guess at the amount of deals, alliances and betrayals that were hidden beneath them, none of which held any amount of any kind of interest for him He caught sight of Alison, being patronized by a group of generals. She looked more bored than he felt and was clearly closer to loosing her temper completely. He saw General Veers in the crowd and decided to step in. While Aislings outburst would definitely liven up the atmosphere a bit, he had respect for Veers and had no wish to see the man humiliated.  
  
'Aisling,' he said, going up to her. 'A word, if you please?'  
  
'Of course Lord Vader,' Aisling replied, not quite able to hide her relief. Se nodded at the generals. 'Gentlemen.' Taking the hint, they drifted away. 'Thank you,' she muttered, when they had gone  
  
'Anytime. Where's Beth?' Aisling motioned with her glass.  
  
'Trying to avoid Xizor and chat up that lad over there.' Vader peered in the direction she had indicated.  
  
'He's on the Avenger,' he stated.  
  
'Yeah, had her eye on him for a while,' Aisling agreed. 'Looks like she's finally managed to get hold of him.'  
  
'Not for long,' Vader growled.  
  
'You know she'll kick your ass,' Aisling said.  
  
'She tried that, remember?' Aisling smirked.  
  
'She can be extremely inventive when she puts her mind to it,' she told him in a low voice. 'And patient when she wants to be.'  
  
'Your point?' he asked. She smiled slowly.  
  
'Just a friendly warning.' She turned back to look at her friend, who was walking toward them with a smirk that Aisling knew well. 'And you're too late anyway.'  
  
Vader growled. Then chuckled evilly and pointed minutely towards Beth while folding his arms.  
  
Beth felt something land on her shoulder and looked, smiling, thinking that it was himself (A/N I.e. the cute lad from the Avenger) back again. And instead found herself looking straight into the eye of a mini-velociraptor.  
  
'Aisling,' she gasped, freezing. 'Aisling, there's a, there's a, there's a,' she stammered, terrified near out of her wits. By now, some of the more observant courtiers had noticed her odd behaviour.  
  
Aisling came over, sipping her drink. 'Yeah?'  
  
'There's a. there's a, there's a,' Beth gasped, like a stuck record.  
  
'A what? A finer?' She looked around. 'Where?' (A/N A finer is a complete hottie, k?)  
  
'On, on, on, on my shoulder.' Beth was transfixed by the small dinosaur, who was hissing and snapping its jaws, trying to figure out how best to attack her.  
  
'Your shoulder?' Aisling looked oddly at it. Beth saw the raptor turn its head and hiss as she looked. 'Er, no, there's nothing on your shoulder,' she told Beth.  
  
'A, a, a raptor,' Beth whispered, three hairsbreadths away from a full panic attack. 'There's a raptor on my shoulder!!' Puzzled, Aisling looked again, There was nothing there, and she told her so.  
  
'Look,' she said, waving her hand in the air right above Beths left shoulder. 'No raptor, no finer, no nothing. Now quit it, you're freaking me out.' Beth was looking at her right shoulder, where the small dino was now standing. It had jumped there when Aisling hand had waved near it.  
  
There was now a clear space around the two and the rest of the Court was eyeing first their drinks, then their own shoulders with suspicion. Palpatine leant forward, glancing from Vader to the girls and back again. At last some entertainment!  
  
Beth watched the six-inch dinosaur in horror. It had reached a decision. It leant forward, stretched out its claws, hissed loudly and went flying as Beths hand, fuelled by terror, smacked into it. The rest of Beth ran screaming and shot up one of the pillars, clinging determinedly to the top.  
  
There was another scream. A woman and two dandies fainted as a six-foot long, two-legged dinosaur appeared in front of them. The full-size velociraptor climbed groggily to its feet as the whole Court watched it in horrified fascination. Palpatine raised an eyebrow.  
  
'Friend of yours?' he murmured to Xizor, who barely looked at him.  
  
The raptor looked around at the frozen audience and roared. Absolute pandemonium. The dino targeted a man on the edge. It leapt.  
  
A lazily aimed lightening bolt from the Emperor fried it completely, creating an explosion in mid-air. When the smoke cleared, the raptor was completely gone, bar a few sizzled bits of meat.  
  
Palpatine glanced at Vader and said to the Court, 'Feel free to leave if you wish.' The place was empty under three minutes.  
  
Except for Beth, sliding down the pillar, Vader and Aisling, pissing themselves laughing, and Palpatine, looking at the trio with bemusement. Xizor had disappeared.  
  
Beth glared at the pair who were having to lean on each other to stay upright.  
  
'It wasn't supposed to be real!' she screeched. 'I was supposed to imagine it!! Not turn my head and see a godsdammed velociraptor staring at me!!!'  
  
'It was, a, new part,' Aisling gasped through the howls of laughter. 'Ow! Ow! Stop it you bitch! It was only a shagging illusion!' Vader laughed harder. 'You didn't, ' Aisling gasped. Vader nodded. 'You didn't!'  
  
'New part.'  
  
'You put a real raptor on my shoulder?!!!' Beth shrieked.  
  
'Nope I put a real condor dragon hatchling (A/N A lizard thing that looks a helluva lot like a dragon from the forest moon of Endor) on your shoulder and made it look like a raptor.' Vader had taken an image of the dinosaur from Aislings mind earlier and for the first part, hidden the small beast from the rest of the Court, then inflated the image for the rest of it.  
  
'And what was all that in aid of?' Palpatine asked, moving down to join them. Vader got up off his butt when he saw him coming.  
  
'No offence to you your Emperoryness, but these Court things are boooo- riiing!!' Aisling said as Beth started belting Vader, while making definite sounds of disgust and loathing. Eeuw and ack featuring heavily. 'Just thought that it could do with livening up.'  
  
'Aha!!' Beth yelled, diving for Vaders belt. 'My wallet!' She grabbed the little piece of leather and dived back out of the Siths reach, who was still too busy laughing to bother.  
  
Palpatine looked at Beth, who was sitting on the floor, hugging the wallet and giggling insanely.  
  
'What is she doing?'  
  
Aisling looked and rolled her eyes.  
  
'Celebrating the return of the wallet apparently.'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Yep.' Palpatine gestured and the wallet moved. Beth squealed and held it tighter. She motioned upwards and the wallet moved in that direction, Beth firmly attached. A few determined shakes, a couple of dives and a loop-de- loop got rid of the passenger. The sacred wallet flew to the Emperor while Beth fell to the floor.  
  
'Such trouble,' Palpatine mused. 'Over a few inches of leather?' Beth climbed to her feet, seething and ready to chew bulkheads. Aisling looked at her worriedly.  
  
'Yes, well,' she said. 'There is a prized possession inside it that she'd very much like to have back.' Aisling stuck out a foot, Beth tripped over it and crashed to the floor again.  
  
'Well done, Palpatine murmured. He regarded the wallet. 'It must be worth much for her to be so determined.'  
  
'To you? Nothing. To me? Less than that. To her?' She glanced as Beth who was getting to her feet, a suicidally determined look on her face. 'A world or two.' Palpatine nodded to himself; as Aisling tried to discreetly restrain her friend. He reached a decision.  
  
Aisling blinked as the wallet floated in front of her eyes. She reached up and took it.  
  
'Thanks,' she muttered, a bit taken aback. Palpatine actually giving her the wallet was the last thing she expected. He nodded again and leaned forward slightly.  
  
'Were I to keep it, I would have to kill her,' he whispered in a conspiring voice, motioning towards Beth who was trying to get Vader to, "get off your arse and get my shagging wallet!" 'Then I would have to kill you.' Aisling, looking into his sickly-yellow eyes, knew that he would have no problem with this at all and their lives hung on his whim. Not a good feeling. 'And then,' the Emperor continued, dropping his voice even lower. 'I'd have to put up with Vader sulking.'  
  
Aisling stared at him, then grinned despite herself. Palpatine winked and glided out of the hall.  
  
Ignoring Beth, who was still yelling at Vader, Aisling opened the wallet and took out the picture. She couldn't figure out what Beth kept going on about. George wasn't that fine. She flipped the little rectangle over.  
  
'My wallet!' Beth cried, racing over. She stopped short as Aislings arm shot out. 'That's my picture, you know,' she continued, annoyed.  
  
'You never said that Draco was on the other side,' Aisling said, a bit distantly.  
  
'You never asked. Now hand it over.'  
  
'Go away off to hell.'  
  
'Huh?' Beth gaped at her friend, who was pouring over the picture. 'But that's my picture!'  
  
'Nope, the George one is yours. This one is mine.'  
  
'But George is on the back of that one!'  
  
'Tough break.'  
  
'But, but!' She turned around. 'Vader! Make her hand it over.' Vader looked at Aisling, then at Beth.  
  
'I'm staying out of this one,' he said, folding his arms.  
  
'Ill do something nice to you,' she simpered, batting her eyelids and smiling. Vader looked at her in shock, then took a long step backwards.  
  
'I'm still staying out of it, and you're staying over there.'  
  
'I didn't mean that!! You're worse than Aisling.' She swivelled back to Aisling, and grinned slyly.  
  
'That's cradle-snatching, you know,' she said. 'Dracos only eleven.'  
  
'So's Ron.'  
  
'No he's not!' Beth hissed. 'He's twenty-two! He was born in 1980 and its now 2002!'  
  
'Same with Draco.' Beth spluttered with anger.  
  
'Yeah, but Rupert's older!' Aisling looked up at her, a sardonic look on her face.  
  
'Are you on about the actor? Some defence.'  
  
'It's the actor you're going on about now, you know.' Aisling shrugged.  
  
'Yeah, but I can tell that he's gonna be hot when he's our age. And besides, unlike some, I don't think that looks are everything.'  
  
'Draco? He's cruel to Ron!'  
  
'And?' Beth growled at her.  
  
'Aisling Theresa O' Connell, hand that picture over before I kick your ass from here to home!!'  
  
'Bethany Marie Walsh,' Aisling replied, folding the picture and putting it in her pocket, throwing the wallet to Beth. 'You obviously didn't learn your lesson last time.' She shrugged. 'No matter. I'm sure another lesson will teach you.'  
  
  
  
Dun-dun-dun-dun!!!! How will this turn out? Do ye really care? Say tuned for the next bit!!!  
  
Buy-bye! 


	14. Schemes and Trickery

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
A rather convoluted trick, worthy of only few.  
  
A very strange phenomenon has occurred. Before, I used to look at my statistics with a mix of hope and resignation. Now I do a happy dance before I'm even on Fanfiction.net! And its all thanks to you guys out there!!! So thank you! Thank you all! But don't think your obligation ends here, oh no. Every chapter you will review *waves hand* you don't want to sell me Death Sticks!  
  
Sage of Dreams the Insane: *looks at revised pen-name* No, really?! Nah, that's alright, the ones you sent over have worked out a sleeping rota so its all good. *bows* thank you! Although you may want to take a breath now and then Sage. Blue looks fab on Thrawn but humans aren't supposed to be that colour!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Yeah, that's why my pen-name is what it is. *preen* I have read and reviewed Kidnapped, thumbs up on that one. And I hope you've updated, *impression of Vader on second death Star* for your sake. Hehehe! I'm serious!  
  
Sara: So am I!! So never fear, this story will go on!  
  
Jacintha: *smirk raised eyebrow snigger* Really? Yeah ill regret it later no doubt, but right now, *evil chuckle* Taz, I couldn't care. *smirk*  
  
Kumiko Eharu: Yay! You can relate, yeah so can I. Very strange isn't it? *tries to look all scholarly and wise, fails miserably, bows* Thank you so much!  
  
Regeane: yeah, its strange how the brain just soaks up all the details of, example, exactly what alluvial dampeners and hydrospanners are, while being completely unable to understand what the Bunsen burner is for. Hmm! I'm so glad you like!  
  
Sticks: Woah, more impatience. *slow smile* And what exactly would you do if I didn't update for, oh say, a week? Two? *chuckle* No, I'm not that cruel! Hehehe! So many people like this!!! O my gods I'm doing the happy dance.  
  
DragonElf-86: Yeah well, my computer only marked it as wrong not how to spell it right! So I left it! So there! Yay you agree! *smirks at Jacintha* See! Yeah Vader probably would be heartbroken, so lets not break the poor Siths heart!!  
  
Biblehermione: *looks at review in shock* Sweet Force what have I done?! Oh what the hell. You do realize that you're the only one who answered that right? Thanks for noticing!  
  
Drama-Princess87: Yay! *bows again, wonders if she'll ever stand straight again, filthy thoughts to yerselves thank you very much!* I can just see them doing that, cant you? Hehehehe! You advertised me?! *wipes away an imaginary tear* You're so nice! Of course Ill R&R! How can I not now?! Ill try!  
  
Dragonlet: Someone else agrees with me!! Woohoo! You do realize that Jacintha would kill you for saying that right? And me for agreeing with you? *snigger* I'm only joking Jacintha! *sigh* Oliver!!! *sound of a slap as ihadanepiphany comes back to earth* Where was I? Oh yeah, heheheh! You like it too! Thank you!!!!  
  
*evil chuckle* You wanna see what happens to Beth?  
  
Then read on…………  
  
Vader looked on as the two girls circled each other.  
  
'You folded him!' Beth hissed, fingers curling into claws. 'You folded George!! I can't believe you folded George!! You malignant fuck-pig!'  
  
'What are you gonna do about it? Whore-bitch?' Aisling taunted, hands loosely held by her sides. Vader wondered if he should step in, just before Xizor walked in, apparently on the way to somewhere else. Beth was facing the door at the time and so she couldn't miss seeing him and he her. She immediately turned and bolted. She turned before going out the opposite door.  
  
'Don't get attached to the photo, Affor!' she called before slamming it behind her. Xizor gave Beth an odd look, Aisling an odder look and didn't look at Vader at all. He walked swiftly through the hall and disappeared through a different door than the one Beth left by.  
  
Vader waited until the Faleen had gone before turning back to Aisling, who was staring up at the ceiling, tapping her foot gently.  
  
'What was all that about?' he asked. Aisling shrugged.  
  
'I was bored.'  
  
'You pick a fight with your best friend because you're bored?'  
  
'Nope. I picked a fight with her because she needed to let off some steam. I was also bored.' She looked at Vader, a sly lopsided smile forming. 'But now I've got an idea.' Vader watched the smile, whenever that particular one appeared, someone was going down. Aisling sneered suddenly. 'She called me Affor. I can forgive all else, but not that.'  
  
'Why not?' he asked. Aisling swung around and growled, literally growled at him.  
  
'Noones business but my own,' she hissed. She spun on her heel and stalked out of the hall.  
  
Vader stared after her. *Well, at least noones gonna be bored for a while* he thought before leaving for his quarters.  
  
*~*  
  
'And you're asking my help because?' Xizor asked, as he and Aisling walked down a corridor.  
  
'What, you're telling me that you don't want to get even with her?'  
  
'Well now I didn't say that.' Xizor stopped and turned to face the girl. 'What exactly do I get out of it?' Aisling shrugged, a sly grin pulling at her lip.  
  
'The chance to get a one up on Beth.' she smirked. 'In more ways than one. Also to have a good time.' Xizor scowled at her.  
  
'Last time I had a good time with Beth, her reaction was one of "disgusted loathing," as Vader put it.'  
  
'Yeah, I heard about that. No, not from rumours, from Vader,' she said hurriedly as the Faleen Princes scowl deepened. 'But this time, that cant happen,' she told him, then explained the situation. The Faleen stared at her intently, she gazed back, completely innocent. The temptation to get even was very, very strong.  
  
'Alright,' he sighed. 'What do I do?'  
  
*~*  
  
'You have got to be joking,' Vader said.  
  
'You know well that I'm not,' Aisling retorted. They were standing on a balcony overlooking Imperial City.  
  
'I know,' Vader sighed. 'I just hoped that if I said that you would change your mind.' He stared at the building tops for a moment. 'Fine, I'll do it.'  
  
'Would about three hours time suit you?' Aisling asked.  
  
'Yeah, yeah,' Vader said. 'I've got to get the image first, you know.'  
  
'Oh yeah,' Aisling looked at the photo, no good. 'Here,' she said, putting the image in the front of her mind. There was that eerie feeling, like someone rubbing a cloth across her brain, as Vader lifted the image. 'Got it?' A young man appeared in front of her. 'Yep, perfect. Three hours?'  
  
'I can't wait,' Vader said dryly and let the illusion drop.  
  
Aisling chuckled to herself as she went out the door. Only one thing left to do. (A/N Has anyone guessed what she's planning yet?)  
  
*~*  
  
'Beth?' Aisling called, going into the flat they shared. She cautiously looked around, ready to duck. Beth mustn't be back yet.  
  
'Give me back my shagging photo!!' Aisling smirked, she was back. Aisling took the unfolded and repaired photo from her pocket and skimmed it into the kitchen. A shocked silence followed, which Aisling took advantage of to check for booby traps. None, so she went into the kitchen.  
  
Beth was staring at the photo in her hand when Aisling walked in. Clearly she wasn't expecting this, as the gaping look, the complete silence and the cleaver stood testament to.  
  
'Well,' Aisling said in the quiet. 'There it is.'  
  
'But, you, huh?' Beth gasped, then her eyes narrowed. 'What's the deal O' Connell? I've never known you to give up so easily.' Aisling looked at her friend, eyebrow raised. (A/N here begins the Oscar winning performance)  
  
'You mean you've never known me to give up, right?' She smiled widely and wrapped her arms around herself. 'That's cos I haven't,' she squealed. 'I've got something better!'  
  
'Better than this?' Beth had seen her friend pull off strange stunts, but this was new. She kept the photo close.  
  
'Yep!' Aisling was bouncing on the balls of her feet now, clearly over the moon about something. 'Vader thought that he recognized Draco and he did!!'  
  
'How could he recognize Draco?' Beth scoffed. 'He's way back home!'  
  
'I know! It wasn't him, obviously! But it was someone who looks so like him!' Aisling squealed with delight and clapped her hands convulsively. 'Except that he's twenty and he's tall and buff and he's the spitting image of him except older and hehehehehehe!!!!' Beth eyes tracked her best friend, who was currently jumping high enough to touch the roof. 'He's coming here tomorrow!!!!! I got in touch with him, well Vader did, and I was talking to him and he's so funny! And sweet! And dammit but he's fine!!' Aisling seemed to calm down a bit at the look on Beths face. 'Look Beth, it makes sense don't it? There are how many worlds and how many zillions of human beings in the galaxy? There has to be someone somewhere who looks just like you. But in this case he looks just like Draco at twenty and he's here on Imperial City and he's single and he's, he's, methinks Id better sit down.' She did, then giggled madly and beat a rhythm on the floor with her feet. 'And I'm meeting him tomorrow!!!!' (A/N Good acting eh?)  
  
'Wait a minute, wait a minute,' Beth said, going to sit beside her hurriedly. 'If there's a guy who looks just like Draco, could there be a guy that looks just like George?'  
  
'How about Fred?' Aisling joked. She laughed at Beths face. 'Yes, there is. I had Vader check for George, from the photo. There's a guy from Correllia who's exactly like him!'  
  
'Where's Correllia?' Beth demanded. 'How long to get there?'  
  
'Hold on, hold on,' Aisling told her. 'He's FROM Correllia; he's not ON Correllia. He works in one of the Information Centres here on Imperial City. Vader got hold of him and he's gonna be here, as in the flat, in,' Aisling checked her watch. 'Two hours.' (A/N Any guesses yet?)  
  
'Two hours!' Beth yelled. 'Omigod! What do I do? What do I DO?!'  
  
'Well after all the practise you've had Beth,' Aisling said, smirking at Beths state of excited nervous breakdown. 'You'd think you know by now.' (A/N Anyone know what THAT means?)  
  
'Shut up and help me tidy up!'  
  
Aisling laughingly complied, but as her friend raced into the bedroom to get ready a while later, a slow, evil smile curved her lips and she laughed softly under her breath. She looked around the apartment, clean as it could ever be, then at her watch. One hour to go. (A/N Yes, time has a habit of disappearing in my stuff. Ignore it and move on!)  
  
'Hey Beth,' she called through the bedroom door. 'I'm heading off. Ill crash at Maras tonight, k?'  
  
'Would you?'  
  
'Well I would like to sleep tonight you know! I'll see you tomorrow, or whenever.'  
  
'See you. Oh and Aisling?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'Thanks.' Aisling went out the door, smirking to herself.  
  
'Oh no,' she murmured. 'Thank you.'  
  
  
  
Ah yes, true evil is so much fun!  
  
Those of you who think less of Aisling and I right now, tough!!! I'm having fun!  
  
Jacintha, I hope you're happy now!! * growl smirk* 


	15. Speeders And Chasers!

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
A recover form the trick, and a chance encounter.  
  
Btw, I know that an airspeeder isn't controlled like a car, more like a jet ski or a boat, but for the sake of the writers nerves, the one that Aisling drives is controlled like a car, pedals wheels and all!! K?!  
  
Oh yes and to all you bright sparks out there who figured out what the trick was, well done! You have brains! What are you reading my stuff for? *smirk*  
  
Now to the dedications!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: She deserved it!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: One dedication per! I'm so glad you think that it keeps getting better, if you said that they got worse id be very worried indeed! Thank you!  
  
Sage of Dreams the Insane: Yes, evil has its own kind of fun!  
  
Amaris Sandstone: Really?! I will hold you to that you know! Yes, I think it's slightly amusing as well. *snigger* *bows* Thank you!  
  
Biblehermione: Yay! *hugs back* Yes, I believe you do!  
  
Jacintha: You well that if Emmot comes near me with any kind of instrument at all, he'll be going away with his balls rammed down his throat! Yeah, I know. But hey at least I wrote the scene!  
  
Pitbull girl and panther cub: Woohoo! Even more fresh blood!  
  
Andy: well if you lost track of time that can only be a good thing, right? I've been thinking along those lines as well, but if I do it wont be for a while. The Rebels are first!  
  
Dragonlet: Why would I cut her a break? Jacinthas already got revenge on Aisling planned to a T so I may as well enjoy my power over Beth while I can! Also it wonldnt be nearly so much fun!  
  
Sticks: Got it one! *waves hand* You don't want to sell me Death Sticks. I LOVE that line!  
  
Drama-Princess87: Hehehe! I'm so glad! Do that! Good luck on your exams.  
  
Dark Side Luke: Yes it is isn't it? *evil chuckle* But *sigh wail* that means Beth will have even worse revenge planned for Aisling, and worse luck, I know exactly what that is!!!!!  
  
Storm13: Yes, I love hearing about how I give people near death experiences! *chuckle* I do actually, it shows that my work has an impact, not necessarily a GOOD impact, but an impact nonetheless! I myself have no problem with reptiles at all, I happen to love snakes *smirk* of all kinds. Jacintha however has a phobia of them. So naturally enough, Beth does too. You saw the result of that! *snigger*  
  
DragonElf-86: Yes, sadly sometimes the obvious is true in my stuff, but on rare occasions. This happens to be one of them.  
  
Cali Vianya: Hey, never believe that you cant have everything you own way!! *snigger* I know, Snapes my fave too but sure *shrug* Dracos enough for me. And anyway, Snapes personality more than makes up, don't you think? *snigger*  
  
If the dedications seem a bit rushed, its cos I'm knackered and its past midnight. Sorry  
  
Ready? Lets go!  
  
The next day, Aisling was walking back to her flat from Maras when she passed Xizor in the corridor. The Faleen Prince looked extremely knackered and more than a little smug. He nodded at her as they passed each other by. Aisling fought down the wave of hysteria and nodded back.  
  
'Aisling,' she heard someone say. She turned, to see Vader. 'You owe me. Big time,' the Sith yawned. 'Had to stay up all night keeping that dammed illusion going.' He paused and Aisling got the distinct impression that he was fighting back a cringe fit. 'Have you any idea as to how difficult it is keep a full body illusion going all night? When the person keeps moving? And you're trying not to be sick?' Aisling raised an eyebrow.  
  
'You didn't have to see it, did you?' A stormtrooper passing by clutched at his throat suddenly and fell to the ground, clearly dead. 'I guess that answers my question.' There was a sound from Vaders mask that could only be described as a cross between ack, ugh and the sound of someone suppressing a retch. 'Oh, you poor thing. Ill try and make it up to you.'  
  
'Sorry,' he replied. 'I'm already taken.'  
  
'Not like that! Why does everyone automatically assume that!'  
  
'Er, because its you?' Aisling flashed him a wry smile.  
  
'Cheers.'  
  
Aisling stopped outside the door to her flat.  
  
'I'll be seeing you,' she said, heading in. Vaders yawned reply was lost as the door hissed closed. She stood there for a moment, trying to figure out if Beth would be up yet. From the state of Xizor, she doubted it, but then again, this WAS Beth.  
  
'Hello?' she called, going into the kitchen, to see Beth sitting at the kitchen table, cup in her hands. 'You're up early.' Beth laughed.  
  
'To get up,' she said. 'Would involve going to sleep.'  
  
'So,' Aisling said, after getting herself a cup of tea. Since complaining about it, the new stuff they had was just about drinkable. 'Where's himself?' she asked, knowing full well the answer.  
  
'Left,' Beth yawned. 'About ten minutes ago.' She grinned shyly and stared into her cup.  
  
'And? Is this gonna be an ongoing thing?' Beth snorted.  
  
'Not bloody likely.'  
  
'Why not? I thought you'd be inseparable.'  
  
'Yeah, well, things don't always work out.' She looked so downcast that Aisling started to regret the trick and wondered whether to spill all. The regret was however swiftly washed away by the memories of all the things Beth put her through. 'Guys got a fiancé, you know,' Beth explained.  
  
'Really? When did he tell you this?'  
  
'This morning.'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Yep.' There was silence for a moment.  
  
'I'm sorry,' Aisling said. 'I'm really sorry.' Beth didn't know that she was apologizing for the trickery and so just waved a hand.  
  
'No harm,' she yawned and stretched. 'At least I got to screw George Weasley.' Aisling chuckled.  
  
'What's his real name?' Beth shrugged, on her way to the 'fresher.  
  
'Dammed if I know.'  
  
Aisling stared into her cup, a frown knitting her brow. Then she shook her head and stood.  
  
She had better things to do.  
  
*~*  
  
'Are you sure about this?'  
  
'When am I ever not?'  
  
They were standing in one of the Palaces garages, bickering. They both wanted to go out in a craft, but Beth wanted an airspeeder, while Aisling wanted a speeder bike.  
  
'But what if we get separated?' Beth asked. Aisling shrugged  
  
'All the better.' She caught the look on Beths face and sighed. 'Alright, alright. We'll go in a damn airspeeder. But I'm driving.'  
  
'Oh dear Gods.'  
  
*~* 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!'  
  
Two hands reached back and knocked the offending heads together, hard.  
  
'Gods,' Aisling said. 'You'd think stormtroopers would be a bit braver than that.' Beth turned back to the front. Her friend was driving with one hand on the wheel and one elbow leaning on the window, tapping along to the tune that was blaring out of the stereo. While the craft dived, dodged, banked, spiralled and loop-de-looped above around and sometimes under the buildings of Imperial City at suicidal speed.  
  
'Ready?' Aisling asked, as she sent the speeder swooping to the top of a particularly tall skyscraper.  
  
'Go for it!'  
  
'Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Both girls cried as the speeder dived down the other side.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' both troopers screamed as the other crafts, walkways and above all the ground rushed up to meet them. Aisling smirked, tightened her restraint, waited until Beth did the same, and slammed the brake. The craft stopped dead. The troopers catapulted straight out of the back. The pair watched them freefall.  
  
'That's one problem solved.'  
  
'Yeah,' Aisling said. She motioned to a certain button. 'Remember when I told you not to touch that?' Beth nodded sourly; her hand was still bright red from the lesson. 'When I tell you to, only when I tell you to,' Aisling continued, gunning the engine. 'Push it.'  
  
'What, w-aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!' The question turned into a scream as Aisling took her foot off the repulser control and slammed it on the acceleration. The craft went from stationary to near lightspeed in approximately three milliseconds. Straight down. (A/N Yes I KNOW that you cant switch the repulser control on and off like that! This is my story! Move on!)  
  
Beth clutched her restraint and tried not to think of pancakes as the levels flashed by. Aislings face was a mix of exhilaration and concentration as she guided the speeder to the falling troopers. Luckily, there was a helluva long way for them to drop and the speeder was a lot faster than them.  
  
'There they are!' Beth said. Aisling risked a glance and saw them. One had obviously kept a level head and was spread-eagled, slowing himself down as much as possible. The other had panicked and was much further down than his companion.  
  
Aisling drew level with the first one, matched speeds, and managed to get under him. He climbed into the back seat and restrained himself properly. THEN pulled off his helmet and got sick into it.  
  
'Oh very nice,' Beth muttered, as she heard him. The craft was still zooming downwards, in an attempt to catch the other one. Even from here, Beth could see that they weren't gonna get him. Aisling hissed in frustration.  
  
'Beth!' she snapped. 'When I tell you.' Beth looked sideways at her friend; she hadn't gone near the button. Aisling was leaning over the steering wheel as if her weight would speed up the craft further. It wasn't the troopers life that had her so determined, Beth knew. It was the risk of loosing. This was a competition against gravity 'Ready?' Then half-a-second later. 'Now!'  
  
Beth slammed her hand onto the button, then was slammed backwards in her seat as the booster engines flared. Aisling whooped as the speeder bucked like a pissed off horse and kicked it up to top gear. Except for the roar of the stressed secondary engines, there was silence, but only because the acceleration kept their voices in their throats. If they could have, the trooper and Beth would have screamed their lungs out. Aisling grinned madly as she caught up with the falling trooper.  
  
*~*  
  
Han Solo choked on his vine-coffee as a trooper fell from the sky and passed him, barely six inches from the walkway.  
  
'What the hell?!' he said, staring down after the trooper. He was roughly pulled back and a speeder flashed past, so close that the wind from it knocked him and his companions flat. 'Sweet stars, what the hell was that?!!!' Wedge Antilles looked down after the craft.  
  
'Wanna find out?' he asked, grinning.  
  
*~*  
  
Beth measured the distance between them and the trooper and them and the ground anxiously. *Pull up* she mentally urged Aisling. *Pull up!*  
  
Aisling growled in her throat. She closed the gap between her and the trooper further, keeping an eye on the level counter that was on the wheel. 'Come on,' she hissed between her teeth. 'Come on.' Then with a yell that was almost audible over the engines, she fought the nose of the craft up. Less than ten feet below them, the trooper smashed into the surface. She flew the craft through the convoluted spaces between the buildings, coaxing it to slow down. At last, she risked pushing the booster button again, and the secondary engines died. She slowed the craft to a sailing pace, coasting through the murk of the lowest level of Imperial City.  
  
'Dammit!' Aisling growled, hitting the steering wheel. 'So close.' Beth unglued her hands from her restraining belt.  
  
'Yeah,' she croaked. 'Yeah, um, yeah.' The trooper was suffering from adrenaline overdose, and only made intermittent wailing noises. 'So. Um. So.' Aisling looked at her less-than-coherent friend.  
  
'What's up with you?' she asked, surprised, as if they hadn't just rocketed straight from a planets atmosphere to surface. 'What, got scared?' she teased.  
  
'Aisling,' Beth asked distantly. 'Don't ever do anything like that. Ever again. Ever.' Aisling laughed.  
  
'I did!' she squealed. 'I scared you!!!' She laughed insanely. 'I scared you I scared you!!' she sang.  
  
'Alright!!!' Beth yelled. 'You scared me!!!!! Happy?!!!!!' She looked down. 'Oh dear Gods my hands are shaking.' Aisling laughed harder.  
  
This was the scene that greeted the Rebels when they got down to them. One teenage human girl shaking from adrenaline and anger, yelling at the other teenage human girl who was laughing her ass off. And of course a stormtrooper who was whiter than his uniform.  
  
Aisling saw them first and stomped on the brakes.  
  
'What in the name of?' she wondered, seeing Solo and Wedge along with three others she didn't know in the other speeder, blasters trained on them. Beth looked.  
  
'And?' she asked, clearly not recognizing them. 'Run 'em down.'  
  
'Force but you're an idiot,' Aisling retorted, though lightly, watching the Rebels. The trooper saw them and tried to bring his rifle to bear, then realized that he'd lost it somewhere over the city. He reached behind him for the thermal detonator… and blacked out as Aisling whipped around and smashed his head into the side of the craft.  
  
'Okay,' Beth said. 'What was that for?'  
  
'I really don't feel like getting shot or blown up,' Aisling replied flippantly, turning back. 'That would just completely wreak my schedule.'  
  
'Oh, of course.'  
  
The Rebels had of course seen this action, but it seemed to confuse them more than anything. When Aisling somehow made the craft go from full stop to rocketing upwards, they were even more surprised. The trooper crashing into the ground an inch from them was more of an anti-climax.  
  
'Right,' Wedge grinned. 'Lets play.' He revved the engines and shot after them, as the passengers scrambled to tie themselves in.  
  
*~*  
  
Aisling banked the speeder up until they hit the hundredth level, pulled a hard right through a flight lane, then swooped down, spiralled up around a complex and dived straight down. Beth looked behind them.  
  
'Dammit,' she said, seeing the speeder behind them. 'Six o clock.'  
  
'I really don't like that time, never anything on but the news,' Aisling replied. She pulled out of the dive and zipped under a series of walkways, then curved up hard until the nose of the craft pointed back the way they came and shot off.  
  
*~*  
  
Wedge saw them coming and turning the controls hard, slewed the craft around in anticipation.  
  
*~*  
  
Aisling chuckled; she had hoped he'd do that. She dived again and corkscrewed, rocketing off in the original direction.  
  
*~*  
  
Wedge, instead of diving like she expected him too, banked up, turning as he went, going for height.  
  
*~*  
  
'Yeah,' Beth muttered. 'But lets try and keep ourselves off the news, k?' She looked behind them. 'Hey he's gone.'  
  
'Huh?' Aisling slowed the speeder and looked behind as well. 'But,' then she turned back and fed the craft more speed. 'Something's up,' she muttered. 'There's no way he gave up that easy.' Beth looked up, and cursed.  
  
'There they are,' she said pointing. The speeder was keeping pace with them, about ten levels up. Aisling hissed a string of curses and dived, Wedge right on her tail.  
  
Ten minutes later, after diving, twisting, spiralling and banking for all she was worth and with the X-wing pilot still right behind her, Aisling decided to go for something drastic. As she flew, she kept an eye out for a likely building.  
  
'Here we go,' she muttered. Beth looked at her, startled.  
  
'Oh no, not here we go,' she moaned. 'You didn't just say here we go. I hate it when you say here we go. It always means trouble.'  
  
'You worry too much,' Aisling said absently.  
  
*~*  
  
'What are they doing?' Solo asked. The speeder in front of them hadn't dropped speed but it seemed like the pilot was distracted.  
  
'It looks like they're fighting,' one of the Rebels in the back said, holding macrobinoculars to his eyes.  
  
*~*  
  
'I don't care Aisling,' Beth snapped. 'If you're gonna try something, then I want out! I'm not sitting here while you try and play chicken!'  
  
'How did you know?' Aisling said, smirking. Beth stared at her.  
  
'Oh Gods!' she wailed. 'I'm gonna die!'  
  
'Knew I saw one around here somewhere,' Aisling said, ignoring her best friend. 'Alright,' she said, banking up. 'Hold on.'  
  
'Noooooo!!!!'  
  
*~*  
  
'What the hell is she doing?' a Rebel asked as the other speeder suddenly shot upwards.  
  
Wedge didn't answer, only sent the craft after them.  
  
*~*  
  
Aisling watched the levels carefully as the craft climbed. She risked a look back, the Rebels were gaining. She smiled slyly, then tapped the brakes hard, making it look like the speeder was having engine trouble. She cut the speed.  
  
*~*  
  
Wedge watched the speeder warily. It looked like it was dead in the air, complete with extremely pissed off pilot and passenger.  
  
'Hey what happened?' Solo asked.  
  
'I have no idea,' Wedge muttered. From the look of it, the engines had cut, leaving the craft to coast out the momentum. The repulser-fields were still working, which was something. He watched as, toggling the repulser controls, the pilot made the craft sit level.  
  
'Are we gonna sit here or what?' a Rebel asked, impatiently. Wedge and Solo exchanged a look.  
  
'I don't know,' Solo murmured. 'This doesn't feel right.'  
  
'Yeah, 'Wedge admitted. 'But hey.' He brought the speeder alongside the other one, ready to dive at a milli-seconds notice. The two females glowered at them.  
  
'Need a lift?' Solo asked. One, the passenger, hissed a curse at him.  
  
'No,' the pilot said, in a frosty tone. 'We're fine, thank you.'  
  
'Really? Cos it looks like you could use a hand. Being dead in the air and all.'  
  
'No. We're fine. Thank you,' the pilot repeated, biting off the words.  
  
'Since when does,' Solo didn't get to finish the question. In half-a- second, Aisling had revved the engines and taken the craft up. Unfortunately, Wedge had instinctively taken their speeder down. By the time he had corrected the mistake and raced upwards after them, they were out of sight.  
  
*~*  
  
Aisling laughed as she brought the speeder up and suddenly slewed the craft around, pulling a tight left into a ventilation duct of the building beside them. She stopped the engines and sat back. About five seconds later, the speeder containing the Rebels shot past, clearly thinking that they were still climbing.  
  
Beth turned to her friend, paler than Aisling had ever seen her.  
  
'Are you TRYING to kill me?!!!!!' she shrieked. She had been taken completely by surprise at Aislings little manoeuvres, thinking that the engines really had cut. And as such, the sudden move had thrown her heart into spasms. Aisling yawned hugely.  
  
'If I was doing that my dear,' she smirked. 'You'd be cold by now.'  
  
'Not if we had crashed into a godsdammed building I wouldn't!!!! Can we go back now?!!' Aisling shook her head.  
  
'They'll look around for us, we gotta sit tight until they leave.'  
  
'And when will that be?' Beth demanded. Aisling shrugged, checking their fuel.  
  
Beth sat back, mind replaying details of the mad flight that she hadn't time or ability to notice at the time. How the tail of the speeder had kissed off a walkway in a particularly tight spiral. The look on a mans' face as the speeder shot straight for him, then dived sharply, the top-and their heads-barely an inch from the windows of the skyscraper.  
  
'Sweet sainted Lucifer,' she whispered, starting to shake from the adrenaline. Aisling stared at her in complete surprise.  
  
'I haven't heard you say that in years,' she murmured. 'Not since.' She frowned. 'You're favourite movie is "The Fast and The Furious," how the hell could that have affected you so much?'  
  
'In case you haven't noticed Aisling O' Connell,' Beth nearly yelled. 'This isn't the shagging movies!!! I just want to go back to the Palace and get drunk.' Aisling chuckled.  
  
'You know,' she said. 'Drink doesn't solve anything.'  
  
'I didn't want to hear that Aisling,' Beth growled. 'I wanted to hear, "certainly Beth, I'll drive slowly and carefully and get you back in one piece, then I'll buy you whatever you want." That's what I wanted to hear.'  
  
'Certainly Beth, I'll drive slowly and carefully and get you back in one piece.'  
  
'You forgot about the drink.'  
  
'No thanks I'm driving.' Aisling looked at her friend and smiled. 'Look, do you want to drive?'  
  
'No, Id likely fly us into a building just to get it over with. Can we go now?' Aisling sighed, she knew that they should wait for longer, a lot longer, but Beth looked like she was on the verge of the nervous breakdown. She started the engine again and eased the speeder out of its hiding place.  
  
'You will be careful, wont you?' Beth asked, a girl who not half-an-hour earlier had slammed two troopers heads together for screaming. Aisling gave her a wry look.  
  
'Yes, I will, I'll drive like I'm fifty.'  
  
'Oh dear gods no! My uncles fifty and he drives worse than you do!'  
  
'Will you relax? I promise Ill be careful,' Aisling snapped. 'Now calm down, there's no problem at all.'  
  
Famous last words huh?  
  
Jacintha is actually scared of heights, apparently the flying that I described, as bad as I am at writing those kind of scenes, had her shaking in her chair. As for me, I don't think they're that good, but they're the best I can write. Use your own imaginations for them if you wish.  
  
Before any of you Wedge-fanatics start, I KNOW that Wedge could easily catch Aisling and Beth, were it not me who wrote the scenes. You'll just have to cope with the fact that they got away and move on.  
  
I don't know how much Ill be able to upload over the next two weeks, till Thursday week anyway. My leaving cert starts (tomorrow argh!) Wednesday the fifth and I'm gonna be really busy with that. So if you don't see anything new for about a week maybe two, you know why and you can blame the State for the exam! Not me!  
  
I hope you can come back for when I have the next one up.  
  
ihadanepiphany  
  
BTW For those of you who are despairing, scratching your heads or just plain wondering when I'm gonna let Beth know that she slept with Xizor again. Hehehe! Me and Jacintha got plans! That part is, alas, not destined for this story, but we're planning a kind of a sequel and the revelation will be in that. So you'll just have to be patient! I don't care! Its not going in this one! And that's that!!!!! *stalks off*  
  
See ya next week! 


	16. Where's His Hat?

DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.  
  
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?  
  
I have no idea at all about this chapter. Basically, they're NOT in the Palace, hows that? *smirk*  
  
Thank you guys so much!!! Reading the reviews you gave in really helps me relax after the exams, and I just have to say, once again, that YOU GUYS ALL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ABSOLUTLEY ROCK!!!!!!!  
  
And now for the dedications: *looks at screen, whistles, rolls up sleeves and gets to work*  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Ive SEEN Beths reaction! AND what she does afterwards! *shudder* Evil image! Image go away! And you actually did update! Woohoo!  
  
Biblehermione: *shrug* Sure, if you wanna supply the car, insurance and hospital bill, sure! Hehehe! Addiction is fun!  
  
Jedi Elf 666: I thank you for this supreme award and I will do my best to fulfill my duties of Supreme Overlord *cough* lady! *cough* of Evil Lunatics and Sex. Thrawn: Didn't we just fix the bed? Ihadanepiphany: And you're complaining, because? Thrawn: I have no idea…! Random Stormtrooper: Um, yeah, *averts eyes* She'll be gone for a while. Carry on regardless!  
  
Dark Side Luke: I dunno, I've always kinda liked Xizor, but Jacintha got a phobia so I HAD to put it in! Yeah I know I'm gonna pay for it, but hey. The next one is gonna be written by Jacintha, which could be why I'm worried, but while she has a habit of turning things angsty, I will be standing behind her with a two-by-four, so no worries there! *smirk*  
  
Storm13: *raises eyebrow* Oh yeah? Like what? An idea, have you? Tell me, you must! Methinks I should send you an oxygen cylinder!  
  
Jade and Wendy: You have ambition, young ones! Actually, I usually have to go through what I write with a red pen and censor tape, believe it or not! Dirty-minded? You don't know the half! *smirk* Poor obedient stormtroopers? Any idiots who got sucked into serving the Empire and are not brave enough to defect are fair game in my opinion! *snigger* That's just an excuse! Yeah, *smirk* I know.  
  
Dragonlet: As I said in the Author note at the end, not in this fic, in the sequel that is planned. And after all this advertising it had better get bloody written! *glances oh-so innocently at Jacintha* She stays long enough for Beth to get revenge *shudders violently* but after that, noone knows!  
  
DragonElf-86: Revenge is marvellous isn't it? *snigger smirk* So do I! Yeah!  
  
Jacintha: *smirk* No you don't, you just loathe me and will do so until the last sun in the galaxy has burnt out. *snigger* Good luck with yours. *mutter* Lucky whore-bitch! Finishes this shagging Tuesday! *smiles* Good luck! *scowl* Whore-bitch!  
  
Jaina Skywalker: Thank you, its always nice to hear that its getting better! You've actually given me an idea, believe it or not! Thanks for it! Maybe that's true, but I'll always believe the best in him! *smile*  
  
Cali Vianya: I am, amn't I? *snigger* Hehehehe! Sounds like my uncle, damn that, it sounds like ALL of them! Its official, my family are all complete loonies! So would I actually. And I have NO idea how she's gonna do it either, so that'll be fun!  
  
Godforsaken: thank you, obv you like it since you've been coming back to it. Hehehehe! *jumps up and down and claps hands, then stops and picks up the Vampster donated by Aphy* With all the fresh blood, we will soon take over the whole world and after that…! *stops and looks puzzled, then shrugs and turns back to the keyboard, while the Vampster crawls off*  
  
Weaver: Hehehehe!! *sound of ihadanepiphanys ego growing inches in diameter* Thanks, and good luck to you too in, whatever, just general good luck. *laughs* Not so much a PLOT as a string of screwball happenings, you know? But do you WANT the insanity to end with this fic? I know! But that will be explained! In the next chapter actually, but it will be explained! I promise! What, you think id have them drive AWAY from Han and Wedge for no reason? Hello?! Have you being paying attention to this?! *smirk* Anyhoo. Oh, you have evil exams too! Okay, best of luck on them!  
  
Val: Tell your sister to sleep in and sorry, I know no remedy for stitches, possibly stop laughing? Yeah, I know, crazy. Well of course she's gonna let something slip! She does let a small bit go in this one, but later! *rubs hands together* Hehehehe! You'll have to wait for that! Wont you?  
  
That it? Kewl.  
  
BTW:  
  
Giving shout-outs to BlueEllie with her and her friends fic "Different Reality" and one to Alphy with her fic "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" You are to go and read these fics now! Go! Now! I command you! And THEN come back and read this. K? *smirk* Seriously, those fics are HILARIOUS!!!!! I've been thrown out of the library three times in as many days for disrupting people whilst reading them!!!! (This is BETWEEN exams now) I've got bruises for falling out of my chair! And I'm mentioned in "Bloody Conspiracy!" HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE……..  
  
Thrawn: ihadanepiphany has fallen victim to a laughing fit due to the memory of those fics. All that she can say at present is "Vampsters" and "Great Baldy." Don't ask. Read.  
  
Ihadanepiphany: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Go enjoy them!  
  
\ \ is Shyriiwook, k? Rather than have Han talk for Chewie, I gave him his own punctuation. Cos he's so deadly! Moving swiftly on.  
  
Why, exactly, are you still reading this? Get on with the story!  
  
Thud. Thud. Thud.  
  
'No problem she says. At all she says.' Beth and Aisling were in a small nondescript room, Beth sitting in the sole chair and Aisling standing in the corner. 'Calm down she says.'  
  
*Of all* Thud *The shagging people* Thud *In the entire shagging galaxy* Thud *To shagging rear end* Thud *We had to shagging rear end* Thud *Luke shagging Skywalker*  
  
'Ill take you back to the palace she says,' Beth went on. 'Does this like the godsdammed Palace to you?!!' There was a louder thud.  
  
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling said in a monotone.  
  
'I will not shagging shut up!!' Beth yelled. 'You drive around the whole dammed planet trying to get rid of one speeder and then on the way back, you crash into another one!!!'  
  
*As if* Thud *Han shagging Solo* Thud *And Wedge shagging Antilles* Thud *Weren't shagging bad enough* Thud *Along comes* Thud *Shagging Luke shagging Skywalker* Thud. Thud. Thud.  
  
'I don't know about you but this wasn't in my plans for the evening!'  
  
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling repeated. Beth looked at her friend, who seemed to be trying to break down a solid wall with her forehead.  
  
'What the hell are you doing?'  
  
'I'm adding powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood. What the HELL does it look like?'  
  
'Do you really want to know?' Aisling sighed and turned away from the wall, rubbing absently at the angry red mark on her forehead. She paced the small room, lost in thought. Beth sat back and waited. When she finally spoke it was in the odd mix of languages that they found baffled all interpreter droids.  
  
'I really don't want to be here,' she muttered.  
  
'Oh, and I do?'  
  
'How much do you bet that we're bugged?' Beth laughed shortly.  
  
'By who?'  
  
'Everyone. I'll bet whatever that airspeeders worth that Palpatine has a bug on us, whatever amount of pennies I'm worth that Vader has a separate one and the same again that Xizor's one as well.' She kicked viciously at nothing. 'And that's only the dammed Empire.'  
  
'What the hells that supposed to mean?'  
  
'Oh come on Beth! Haven't you realized yet who those guys are?'  
  
'No,' Beth admitted defensively.  
  
'The shagging Rebel Alliance that's who,' Aisling snapped. 'Exactly where I didn't want to end up.' Beth stared at her, nonplussed.  
  
'Yes cos we all know how much you love the Empire and all it stands for.' Aisling scowled at her.  
  
'Don't be an idiot,' she snapped. 'The Alliance no doubt already knows who we are, its not like they don't have Intelligence in the Palace. And probably why we're allowed get away with as much stuff as we do.'  
  
'Huh?' Beth was puzzled. 'I thought it was because of our charming personalities.'  
  
'Oh please! It's because they want what's in my head! And cos we keep the entire Palace on their toes,' she added. 'And cos Vader would probably throw a hissy fit if we were harmed.'  
  
'What's in your head?' Beth laughed. 'When you have delusions of grandeur, you really go big don't you?'  
  
'Oh shut up.'  
  
*~*  
  
'What are they saying?' Han Solo asked, irritated. The two females had stopped arguing and were now holding some kind of conversation that involved a helluva lot of giggling.  
  
'I have no idea,' Leia Organa replied. 'I've never even heard that language before, or any like it.'  
  
\They're probably the pair who's been causing all that trouble in the palace\ Chewbacca offered.  
  
'Well they match the descriptions anyway,' Solo muttered. 'But they don't look all that dangerous.'  
  
\Since when has that got to do with anything?\  
  
'Where's C3PO?' Leia asked, looking around. 'He might be able understand them.'  
  
'The reports from the palace are very definite about what their public conversations are like,' Solo reminded her. 'Are you sure you want to know about what they're saying now?' he asked, motioning to the real-time holo- screen that showed the inside of the room where the two females were being held. Leia looked again at the screen  
  
'Well,' she said, eyeing the holo. 'I've never been one to pass up on an opportunity to learn.'  
  
Before Solo could comment further, the door opened and in came C3PO and R2D2.  
  
'How may we be of service?' C3PO asked. Leia motioned to the screen.  
  
'They're speaking a language none of us knows. Can you decipher it?'  
  
'Ill try, I am fluent in 6 million forms of communication after all.'  
  
'Yeah, yeah,' Solo muttered. 'Can you understand them or not?'  
  
If the droid could have, Solo had no doubt that he would have been on the receiving end of one of the filthiest looks in the history of the galaxy. Still, C3PO managed to give off the air of a bruised ego as he made his way to the terminal. (A/N Amazing how Anthony Daniels manages to make the droid look offended and everything, isn't it?)  
  
He stood there silently for a few minutes. Eventually Chewie got impatient and let him know about it.  
  
'Of course I'm capable of this task Chewbacca,' C3PO snapped back. 'Your highness,' he said to Leia. 'I have discovered that they are not speaking one language, but at least three.'  
  
'At least?' Leia asked.  
  
'Yes. In one particular sentence there is one language, in another there is five.'  
  
'Five?' Solos repeated. 'They're jumping languages from word to word?'  
  
'Precisely, although the use of the Huttese word "Poodoo" can probably be discounted.' He paused, listening to a long spiel. 'One of them is using words and phrases from Huttese and Rodian as well as the three languages that the other seems to be restricted to.' (A/N Cursing in Huttese is so much fun cos noone can tell if you're really saying anything or just muttering nonsense. Also because they cant understand a thing you're saying!)  
  
'Some restriction.'  
  
\Can you understand it?\ Chewie asked.  
  
'Oh yes. It's quite simple really. One tongue is merely Basic with some letters rearranged. Another is a very primitive dialect of a language that has been dead for about 500 years. I am unable to translate the third, however it should not prove a problem.'  
  
'Can you speak them?' Leia asked.  
  
'Yes, though I doubt that will be necessary. They are both proficient in Basic, as reports from the palace can prove.'  
  
'Well what are you waiting for?' Solo asked impatiently. 'Tell us what they're saying.'  
  
'Of course. They're arguing about who would win a battle, Aderva or Oldermortva.' He paused. 'I am unfamiliar with who they mean. These could be the real names of the beings. But they may also be rearranging the letters of the names, in which case they would mean Vader and Voldemort.' (A/N Alright, who guessed that one of them was pig-Latin? Own up!)  
  
*~*  
  
'Oh come on! Vader would so kick wizard boys arse,' Aisling laughed. 'Who needs a bit of driftwood with a piece of some birds moulted coat in it when you've got the Force?!'  
  
'Hey! All Voldemort would have to do is point his wand and say "Avada Kadavra" and its bye-bye Darth,' Beth countered.  
  
'Yeah but he's got to be able to breathe to say it don't he? Vader can Force-choke a man from the other side of the galaxy, you think he can't stop a wizard from saying two words?'  
  
'Voldemorts killed hundreds of Witches and Wizards.'  
  
'And he got beat by a child in nappies,' Aisling pointed out.  
  
'Only because his mother sacrificed herself to save him and the Voldemorts curse rebounded on him!'  
  
'That's even worse!' Aisling laughed. 'Because of Harry's mothers noble sacrifice, Voldemort, the big bad of the Wizardly world, got reduced to a parasite!'  
  
'He regenerates in Goblet of Fire!' Beth said hotly.  
  
'After he lives on the back of peoples heads! Then in a journal!! What the hell kind of guy goes and puts himself in a book?!'  
  
'The kind of guy who plans ahead!'  
  
'The kind of guy who knows he's gonna fail you mean!'  
  
'Voldemort did not fail!!'  
  
'Oh no, he just took a 15 year holiday! During which he got his arse kicked how many times by Harry Potter? The same child who made him live on the back of peoples heads?!'  
  
'All Voldemort would have to do is say "Assio Ventilator" and Vaders helpless!!'  
  
'All Vader would have to do is break the dammed wand and Voldemorts worse than helpless!! And he doesn't have to do any wand waving to do it!!' Aisling suddenly pointed at Beth. 'Don't say it. Whatever you're gonna say, don't say it. I don't want to hear anything about Vader and wand waving.'  
  
'I wasn't going to mention anything like that!' Beth retorted, lying through her teeth. 'You're the filthy-minded one here you know!'  
  
You've been hanging around with me for how many years?' Aisling commented, sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing Beth. 'Something's got to have rubbed off by now.'  
  
'I was actually gonna say something about his lightsaber,' Beth sniffed, the picture of injured innocence. Aisling stared at her, stony-faced. 'I meant to ask him if he'd let me watch while he trained with one of those droids he's always fighting.'  
  
'Slicing into super-heated slivers, you mean,' Aisling replied, though relaxing a bit. Beth grinned slyly.  
  
'And then I'd ask to see his other lightsaber.'  
  
Aisling face was a picture that no artist would dare draw.  
  
*~*  
  
The room full of listeners was absolutely silent, each mind replaying the words that C3PO translated, each mind rebelling from the images they evoked.  
  
'I think that's officially the most disgusting thing I've ever heard,' Leia said, in a shocked monotone.  
  
*~*  
  
'You whore-bitch! You sick twisted little, eeugh, whore-bitch!!' Aisling yelled. Beth pissed herself laughing as Aisling eeughed acked and shuddered her way through a good-sized cringe fit. 'Oh, you evil-minded, perverted, slime-brained, moronic, ignorant, WHORE-BITCH!!! Oh dear gods I've got an image.'  
  
'What?' Beth asked as Aisling scrubbed at her eyes. 'I think he'd be good.'  
  
'You're an idiot,' Aisling growled, rubbing her temples. Maybe if she rubbed hard enough she'd break through to her brain and shed get rid of the image that way. She'd most likely die in the process, but hey. 'Its not even possible.'  
  
'Everything's possible. Aisling dropped her hands, giving up trying to get rid of the evil image that way, and focused on her friend.  
  
'Not this. The whole mask, helmet, ventilator thing is for a reason. That's an atmosphere suit he wears and they have to be sealed to work.'  
  
'And? Its all for show isn't it?' Aisling stared at her and started giggling.  
  
'You really are a simple creature,' she gasped when partly recovered. 'He fell into a molten pit, some say a volcano, when fighting Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi a few years back. The fumes and stuff destroyed his lungs and now he can only breathe highly processed and scrubbed oxygen. And as I said, atmosphere suits have to be sealed to work.'  
  
'Yeah but he must take the mask off to eat and drink and stuff,' Beth pointed out, clearly looking for a way around the problem.  
  
'In his meditation chamber ball thingy, the air is specially treated so that he can take off the mask without it killing him. And before you ask,' she continued hurriedly, somehow knowing exactly what Beth would ask next. 'No you can't breathe that air, it's too highly processed for your lungs to take in without being ripped to shreds.' Aisling groaned and rubbed at her temples again, the image still hadn't gone away. 'Can we PLEASE take about something else now?' she pleaded.  
  
*~*  
  
Han, Chewie and Leia turned as the door to the room hissed open.  
  
'Hey Luke,' Han said. 'How's the speeder?'  
  
'I'm sure I can fix it,' Luke said, coming in. 'The damage isn't that bad anyway.'  
  
'Han, look,' Leia said, pointing at the screen. The girl seated on the floor had turned around; her eyes were combing the walls, looking for something.  
  
*~*  
  
'What is it?' Beth asked. Aisling shivered and unconsciously rubbed her arms.  
  
'Someone walked over my grave,' she murmured, standing. She went to the wall, scrutinising it. 'There's something,' she muttered to herself.  
  
*~*  
  
'Hey, she can't tell that we're watching, can she?' Solo asked, as Aisling searched a small area of wall that just happened to contain the probe that was hidden in the wall.  
  
\It shouldn't be possible,\ Chewie replied, a bit doubtfully.  
  
*~*  
  
Aisling traced a certain area of the wall with her fingertips.  
  
'Aisling, what are you doing?' Beth asked, somewhat worriedly.  
  
'Ill tell you if I'm right.'  
  
*~*  
  
Everyone held their breath as the girls hand passed over the little probe, then relaxed as it moved on.  
  
'I guess that's it then,' C3PO said, matter-of-factly.  
  
\Guess again.\  
  
*~*  
  
'Got it!' Aisling cried as she felt the small bug.  
  
'Got what?' Beth asked as Aisling started digging the probe out with her fingernails.  
  
'How our friends in the Alliance,' Aisling said, then hissed a curse as a nail broke above the quick and started to bleed. 'Are keeping an eye on us.' Silently, Beth handed her a pocketknife.  
  
'Where'd you get that from?' Aisling asked, taking it. Beth shrugged.  
  
'Those Rebels are really careless with their stuff.'  
  
With the aid of the commandeered knife, the probe was soon out and resting in Aislings hand.  
  
*~*  
  
'How did she get that?' Leia snapped. 'How did she find the dammed probe?'  
  
'How am I supposed to know?' Solo snapped back.  
  
Luke stared at the holoscreen, which dipped and swung dizzyingly as the probe was rolled around and examined. He slipped out of the room as Han and Leias squabbling distracted the others.  
  
*~*  
  
'Tiny power source,' Aisling mused. She had managed to take the casing off the little bug was poking around in the inside. 'An aerial, short range.'  
  
'How can you tell?'  
  
'Uncle John.'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Yep.'  
  
There was silence for a few moments, as Aisling further took the probe apart.  
  
'That Uncle John?' Beth asked after a while. 'The one who runs the electronics shop in town?'  
  
'Yeah.' Silence.  
  
'The one who knows all there is to know about radios and things?'  
  
'Yes.' More silence.  
  
'The one who was in the Army?'  
  
'Yes! Is there a point to this?'  
  
'No, I just wondered how far I'd get.'  
  
'Er hello?' They turned to see Luke in the now-opened doorway. 'I know you can understand me. I'm Luke Skywalker, and you are?'  
  
'Aisling O' Connell,' Aisling replied in Basic after a moment. 'And this is Bethany Walsh.' Beth eyed the youth and remembered one of the few Star Wars lines that she had involuntarily learned.  
  
'No,' she began. 'I am your mmph. Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph!'  
  
'Er why are you doing that?' Luke asked. Aisling looked at him.  
  
'Doing what?' she asked innocently, ignoring the pissed off Beth.  
  
'Covering her mouth with your hand?'  
  
'Mmph!'  
  
'Am I?' Aisling asked, in apparent shock. She looked at Beth and yes! her hand was clamped over her friends mouth. 'Oh look at that, I am.' She grinned at Luke.  
  
'You're still doing it.'  
  
'Doing what?'  
  
'Covering her mouth.'  
  
'Oh, so I am.' She removed her hand and Beth glared at her.  
  
'There was no need for that!' she growled. Aisling raised an eyebrow.  
  
'No?' she asked in one of the languages.  
  
C3PO walked in the door.  
  
'Hello,' he said in the same way. 'I am C3PO, Human-Cyborg relations.' Both girls gaped at him, argument forgotten.  
  
'Well done,' Aisling mused. 'I trust you can understand me then,' she said in one tongue.  
  
'Yes of course,' he answered in kind.  
  
'Then you know that your arm is about to fall off,' she said in another. C3PO looked at his arms.  
  
'No they're not,' he denied in the same tongue.  
  
'My mistake,' she said in the third. C3PO didn't reply so she went on. 'I know that protocol droids can be high maintenance at times.' Still nothing. She smirked. 'You are fluent in over six million forms of communication?' she asked in Basic.  
  
'But he cant speak teenager,' Beth muttered. Aisling shot her an evil look.  
  
'Excuse my companion,' she said. 'She is permanently deficient of a cerebrum.' This comment earned her a foul look and a smack upside the head. She, naturally enough, retaliated with an elbow to Beth's ribs. Beth punched her arm. After that, it was difficult to tell.  
  
'Hey, hey, hey!' Solo yelled, running into the room and pulling Beth off of Aisling who was being restrained by Luke.  
  
'What the hell do you think you're doing, coming between two women in an important fight?!' Beth yelled. 'You damned fluke!' Then she turned around. 'Oh! Harrison Ford!' Aisling groaned and put her head in her hands. Luke gave her an odd look.  
  
'What?' he asked.  
  
'Beths moving in on Han!' Aisling growled. 'Leias gonna bloody kill her,' she said under her breath. Then she seemed to remember where she was and moved out of Lukes grip. 'Er, thanks but I'm sure I can restrain any homicidal rages now,' she told him, moving backwards. Beth, on the other hand had forgotten completely where she was.  
  
'Er, no, my name is Han Solo,' Han was saying, belatedly wondering where the exit was. Beth smirked.  
  
'Sure,' she said, moving closer to him as he scooted backwards. 'Tell me, do have your hat?'  
  
'My hat?' In his retreating, his back slammed up against the wall. Beth grinned wider. 'I, I, I don't have a hat,' he managed to say.  
  
'Sure you don't,' she murmured.  
  
'Oh bloody hellfire,' Aisling growled, grabbing Beth by the shoulder and hauling her backwards. 'You,' she said to Luke. 'Get him out of here. You,' she hissed at Beth when the two men had left, in Hans case rather speedily. 'Do you WANT Leia to put your head on a pike?'  
  
'What's Leia got to do with anything?' Beth grumbled. 'I thought she was doing the other one. I want Ford!' she wailed. 'If I knew that he was so fine I would actually WATCH those films.'  
  
'Leia doing who? Luke?' Aisling collapsed into giggles. 'Please! She may think she doesn't want Han, but sweet hell she does! And if you insist on moving in on him, she will kill you.' Aisling paused. 'She's rather bloodthirsty for an Alderaanian.'  
  
'Alderwhatian?' Beth asked still miffed over not being able to get Ford.  
  
'Alderaanian! As in from Alderaan? The planet the Empire blew up?!' Beths face was still blank. 'You know well that Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star!' Aisling snapped, getting a bit pissed off.  
  
'What? Huh?' Beth murmured. 'Were you saying something?' Aisling stared at her.  
  
'You were fantasising about Solo, weren't you?' she said suspiciously. Beth grinned and looked down.  
  
'Well, er, yeah,' she admitted. 'I cant help it! He's so dammed fine! I just looove him in Indiana Jones!' Aisling rolled her eyes and growled, resisting the urge to hit something, anything!  
  
'That is not, repeat NOT Harrison Ford!' she hissed. 'That is Han Solo! Captain of the Millennium Falcon! Goes around with a dammed big Wookie who owes him a life-debt! Great friends with Luke, saved the Rebellions arses when he blew Vader out of the sky and future husband to Princess Leia Organa!' she shouted, then clapped her hands over her mouth. 'Oh dear gods!' she moaned. 'I've probably screwed up the entire course of the future!'  
  
'Do you really care?' Beth asked matter-of-factly. 'More to the point, do I really care?' Aislings sigh answered both questions and she smiled. 'Now tell me, would HAN have a hat?'  
  
  
  
So waddya think? Its a bit long I know, but you guys have been patient and so I've decided to treat ye!  
  
Thank you guys again for being so nice! I still haven't got one single flame, ever! *shoots a warning look at readers* That was NOT an invite for flames! Though it wouldn't bother me, its cold here right now (even though its JUNE!! Thrawn: epiphany, its Ireland, its ALWAYS cold and rainy!! Ihadaneipihany: *growl*) and the flames will keep me warm.  
  
Warning, am not, repeat NOT finished Leaving Cert, in case any of you guys think that this means a return to previous patterns of updates. Only got this up cos it's the w-end. Don't expect anything till at least Thursday, k? Deadly.  
  
Bye!!  
  
Now go read "Different Reality" and "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" Now! 


	17. Rant! The new one! It has been changed! ...

DISCLAIMER: I still own nothing except Aisling, Jacintha still owns nothing except Beth and we still belong to ourselves! Hahahaha! I'm back!!!!! Well, for a while anyway. For as long as I can afford using this computer that is. We have got to get a landline! Okay, I'm done. ^-^ Hehehehe!!!!!!!!!!

Author: It's STILL ihadnaepiphany! Hehehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, first of all, I'd like to say sorry for the longest gap that I've ever, EVER made a fan put up with. A thousand sorrys to all of you! And a major thanks to Jacintha who pretends not to mind having to call my mobile (cellphone) all the time and all the crap she gets into over the phone bill because of it. And somehow, has the patience to put up with all my ranting complaining and everything else. Thank you! 

Thanks to Sage whateversheisthisweek *smirk* for keeping the gloating to a minimum over my non-uploading. 

And to DSL for the shout-out. 

And to Biblehermione for finally getting something up! And a glare directed her way for not telling me! Okay, over it. *snigger* 

And here's a new bit! 

The loss of format the last time I uploaded this chapter is not my fault. It was all formatted punctuated and everything but somewhere along the uploading process it got all screwed up. And yet some of you had the patience and spare eyeballs to actually read and review the thing. I have to say that I am impressed and flattered to the utmost. This time, *crosses her fingers and looks up* hopes upon hopes, it will show up right! And if it doesn't, feel free to send flames. 

Unfortunately, due to the amount of reviews that were left both for this chapter and the last, I can only mention names and, until we get access at home and I can stop paying through the nose for this, this will be the done thing. I'm sorry! Okay, from the beginning! 

**_Sticks, Sophita, Celestia Vitaria, Storm13, Andy, Drama-Princess87, Sage of Dreams the Ice Climber, Aphy, Jacintha, Jaina Skywalker, Amaris Snadstone, Jade and Wendy, Biblehermione, V. Flores, Jay-Cee, Godforsaken, Dragonlet, Spoot, Neko Megami, Sage the Psychic Slytherin, Chinow, Dragonlet, Celestia Vitaria, Jade and Wendy, Amaris Sandstone, Jay-Cee_**, **_Christine, Dragonlet, er, Dragonlet,_** (did you know that you did that review twice?!) **_Dark Side Luke, Honlei of the Inferno, Anoreil (or just Nory, and Biblehermione !!!!!!_**

Yes, I do know that I have names in there more than once, but they reviewed more than once so therefore… Yeah you know what Im saying, even if I don't. ! 

And now back to the old! 

The basis for this chap came from Jedi Elf 666 whom I now hold in the greatest of esteem. Thank you. 

Stop reading this now and get to the story

Wedge looked on with amusement at the scene he had walked in on. Both Leia and Chewie were yelling at the top of their lungs at Mon Mothma, General Dodonna, General Madine, Admiral Ackbar and anyone else within range. Given a Wookies roaring capacity, that was a helluva lot of people. 

 'Han,' Wedge called out, seeing the Corellian. Solo nodded and went over to the pilot. 'What happened?'

 'Remember those two we chased and Luke picked up?'

 'The lunatics on acid?'

 'Them. Somehow they managed to get hold of some scissors.'

 'Really? How?' Solo shrugged.

 'No-one can figure that out. And no-one knew about it until Leia and Chewie both started roaring.'

 'What did they do?' Wedge asked, though from Leias dishevelled hair, which was usually impeccable, he could hazard a guess.

 'Aisling chopped about six inches off the back of Leias head. Beth somehow managed to,' Solo paused. 'Shave Chewie.'

 'Shave?' Wedge repeated, thinking he heard the other man wrong.

 'Yep. Right to the skin in a patch in the middle of his back.' The person in front of Wedge moved and then he saw it. A big irregular patch of skin and shorter hairs like someone had just grabbed a handful and cut. Wedge whistled. 

 'How the hell did she manage that?'

 'Dammed if I know. I've never known anyone to be able to creep up on any Wookie and survive. But to actually cut off a handful of fur into the bargain.' Solo shook his head, disbelief mixed with grudging respect.

 'What did he do?' Wedge asked, fascinated despite himself.

 'Not a thing.'

 'Nothing?!'

 'Nope, Mon Mothma was there at the time, apparently Chewie was talking to her, and that's when Beth pulled off the undoable. Mothma stopped Chewie from flying into a rage over it, so Beth still lives.'

 'And with all appendages attached,' Wedge muttered. 'Force, I would never have believed it.' He nodded towards Leia. 'And what happened her?' Leia was at the time displaying her chopped locks, which she held in her hand.

 'Aisling also managed to get hold of a pair of scissors,' Solo reminded him, watching as Leia ranted. 'She talked Leia into taking her hair down so she could style it.' Solo shrugged, conveying exactly what he thought of that. 'As soon as Leia sat down, out came the shears and off came the hair.'

 'Whose hair?' someone asked. Solo and Wedge turned to see Luke walking towards them, casting an odd look towards Chewie, who had taken over the rant. The two swiftly filled him in.

 'And now they're telling Mon Mothma and everyone else to get rid of them,' Solo finished.

 'But weren't they separated yesterday?' Luke asked. Solo winced at the memory.

 'Oh yes! That kind of hell belongs in no nightmare, so therefore it must have been real-life.'

 'You should know anyway Luke,' Wedge commented. 'You're lucky you aren't bald. Unless,' he smirked, looking downwards.

 'What's this?' Solo asked, curious.

 'The kid here and the,' Wedge paused, listening to Leia. ' "Crazed hell-bitch" got it on last night.'

 'Which one?' Solo asked, grinning madly. Luke grinned again, clearly well-pleased with himself.

 'Aisling.' He shot a look at Wedge. 'You guys weren't, watching, were you?'

 'What? Us?' Wedge asked, acting innocently wounded.

 'You weren't?' Solo frowned. 'Why the hell not?'

 'Well, we were at first, but then Mon Mothma and Dodonna walked in so we had to turn everything off, otherwise you would have been finished extremely quickly.'

Wedge and Solo pissed themselves laughing at the look on Luke's face.

 'Oh Force,' the younger man groaned, putting his head in his hands.

 'Ah, come on Luke,' Wedge said, thumping him lightly on the shoulder. 'Its not like we couldn't hear you two anyway.' 

*~*

 'And this happened, how?'

The subject of discussion was Aisling, currently walking around the room, talking to no-one in particular, about apparently nothing. Or at least, nothing that anyone could make any sense of. 

 'Well, a while ago she was fine,' Jenkins said. 'Then after Diotia went in there she started, freaking out.'

 'How?'

 'Screaming. Running around. Battering on the door. Then she sat in a corner and just, rocked.' Beth stared at him.

 'Staring at the floor?' Mumbling? Giggling occasionally?'

 'Yeah. How did you know?' Beth gave him a look and sighed heavily. 

 'How long ago was this?'

 'About an hour ago?'

 'And you wait until _now_ to bring me up?' Muttering a curse, Beth pushed past him and opened the door. She paused. 'By the way, what species is, Diotia?' Jenkins shrugged.

 'Gungan, why?'

  'Oh dear Gods,' Beth groaned, then went in and closed the door behind her.

*~*

 '--- mean I know that I've only got to wait three years to see it all happen, but I wont be able to be there for all of it! It wont be possible!' Aisling moaned. 'I mean, the film develops on a parallel time line. So I can either go to Dagobah, or Besbin, not both! And that is just not fair! That means I've got to choose between Yoda and Lando! I cant do that!' she wailed.

 'Er, Aisling?' Beth asked hesitantly. It had been quite a while since she had since she had seen her friend in a rant like this -the day after coming back from a month long family holiday three years ago was the last one-  and never this bad. 

 'On the one hand you got Yoda. Yoda!  For whom I know all the dialogue! All of it!! Well, except for some parts in Episode Two cos its still in the cinema and Episode Three obviously cos its not even _made_ yet! I wonder have they begun filming on it?'

 'Aisling.'

 'Three is supposed to be the one where Hayden Christianson puts on the mask and is thrown into the molten pit. Or is it volcano? Some say pit, others say volcano, either way its cos of fighting Ewan McGregor cos of Ian MacDiamands bad influence. But its gonna be two years till its released!!!' she whined.

 'Aisling!' Beth shouted, trying to get her attention. Nothing doing. 

 'But after that, there's gonna be no more Episodes!' she gasped. 

Beth decided to go for shock treatment.

 'Aisling,'  she said. 'I see Oliver Wood.' The girl in question barely looked in her direction.

 '---say that there's gonna be more to take place after Episode Six but there are books that take up straight after that right up to nearly thirty years after it! Which means,' she continued on more thoughtfully. 'That it'll probably be like the New Jedi Order series on film. Or maybe even _after_ that. Like a Chosen One of the future. That'd be so deadly!' She frowned. 'But how can I wait that long?'

 'Ewan McGregor?' Beth asked, still trying to get a reaction. 'Hayden Christianson? Draco?!'

 'I mean I'm going on about Episode Five here and that's only three years to wait, how can I wait thirty, and I never figured out which to go to, Besbin or Dagobah.'

 'Are you remembering to breathe?' Beth asked suspiciously.

 'Ho can I choose between Lando and Yoda? Lando is soooooo fine and he's got the whole Baron-Administrator thing going and Besbin's where the whole carbonite choppy-handy thing happens which would be so much deadlier live,' she gushed.

Beth chewed on her lower lip. It had been quite a while since she'd needed to do this and it had never been on Aisling. Absently, she wondered if she'd survive.

 'Okay,' she muttered, rubbing her hands together, waiting for the right time. 

 'But then there's Yoda! And just, Yoda! Who kicks ass! Some serious Sith ass and yet somehow manages _not_ to slice whiney people into thin super-heated slivers!'

 'Here goes,' Beth said, and did it.

Aisling turned around and got cut off midsentence when she walked into a double slap that set her ears ringing. She blinked.

 'Hey Beth,' she said after a moment. 'How long you been there?' And then, being Aisling, returned the favour.

*~*

 'That went well,' Han muttered as a fight started between the pair. Him and Chewie had arrived after Beth went in. Jenkins nodded silently.

 \You think we should?\ Chewie asked.

 'Why not?' Han replied.

 \Do you want a list?\

*~*

Couple of hours later.

 'Oh. Dear. Gods.'

 'What? It was funny.'

 'Oh. Dear. **_Gods_**.' Aisling and Beth had been shoved into a bigger room by themselves, not counting the trio of guards at the door and all the bugs, of course. 'You **_shaved_** a **_Wookie_**.' Aisling thought about that sentence. 'There is no way to say that without making it sound wrong,' she laughed and then yawned hugely.

 'Well?' Beth was saying. 'You cut half of that princess whatever's hair off.'

 'Hardly half,' Aisling retorted, whilst folding her arms on the table and resting her head on them. 'it was all broken and rats tails for the last five or six inches,' she continued, though a bit muffled. 'She's still got hair to the waist and more than three years to grow it back.' Beth let it lie, looking at her friend who was falling asleep on a hard chair and rickety table.

 'So,' Beth said innocently. 'Who was it?'

 'Mmm?' Aisling asked drowsily, cracking open an eye. 'What?'

 'Who. Was. It?' Aisling groaned and sat up.

 'What makes you think that?' she asked, stretching. Beth raised an eyebrow at her and she sighed, smiling. 'Skywalker.'

 'Skywalker?' Beth repeated. 'The blonde whinge?'

 'He isn't that bad.'

 'Hey, I didn't come up with the name,' Beth reminded her. Aisling seemed to falter for a moment.

 'That was before I knew him,' she said in recovery. Beth's grin said it all. Aisling smirked in reply.

 'And?' Beth coaxed. The door opened before Aisling could answer, to the relief of the guards.

In swept Mon Mothma followed by Dodonna, Madine and Leia, who glared icily at Aisling as she sat down.

Beth and Aisling sat back and watched as the four got themselves settled, the guards left and the door was closed.

Mon Mothma began, 'According to our sources, Vader and the Emperor seem to think that you,' she directed at Aisling. 'Know aspects of the future. We do not share this belief, however we do know that you,' she again directed at Aisling. Beth was beginning to feel left out. 'Possess knowledge that others are not privy to.'

 'And you think this, because?' Aisling asked bluntly.

Mon Mothma pressed a button and a recording sounded. 

 "They want what's in my head!" they all heard Aislings voice yell, translated thanks to C3PO. Mothma stopped the recording.

 'What makes you thing that I'd want to help you?' Aisling sneered. 'Many believe you are doomed to failure.'

They clearly expected this as when Mon Mothma pressed the button again, Beths voice laughed, again thanks to C3PO:

 "Cos we all know how much you love the Empire and all it stands for!"

Aisling stared stonily at Mon Mothma as she stopped the recording.

Dodonna leaned forward. 'We know that you two are favourites of Vader. This alone would earn your deaths at the hands of most people.' Beth and Aisling looked at each other and started sniggering.

 'Lad,' Beth laughed 'I heard better threats than that from second class.'

Dodonna shrugged. 'So you may have. We're not here to threaten you anyway. Yes Aisling, as you guessed, we want what's in your head.'

 'You cant afford it,' she retorted. Leia snorted.

 'You and Solo would make a great couple,' she muttered. Aisling looked at her, eyebrow raised.

 'Sorry? You think Solo and **_I_** would be good together?' She started giggling.

 'Yeah,' Beth jumped in. 'Solo's mine.' As the four Rebels looked on in surprise, Aisling turned a look on Beth.

 'What?' Aisling asked slowly. 'Was that?'

 'Alright, alright,' Beth grumbled after a moment, backing down. 'Solo's hers.'

 'See that you remember,' Aisling snapped in Angelus fashion.

 'Okay,' Madine said after blinking several times, resolutely _not_ looking at the mortified princess at the far end of the table. 'Lets cut to the chase Aisling. What do you know?'

Before Aisling could snap a reply, Beth looked around.

 'Hey,' she whined. 'Where's the big dog?'

*~*

 'Are we done yet?'

 'No.' 

 'Are we done yet?'

 'No.' 

'Are we done yet?'

 'No.' 

While Leia, Dodonna, and Mon Mothma questioned, or attempted to question, Aisling, Beth was annoying the living hell out of General Crix Madine. Needless to say, she thought the boy out of "The Mummy Returns" was the best ever.

'Are we done yet?'

 'No.' 

'Are we done yet?'

 'No.' 

'Are we done yet?'

 'No!' 

'Are we done yet?'

 'No!' 

'Are?'

 'No!' 

'We?'

 'No!' 

'Done?'

 'No!' 

'Yet?'

 'No!' Madine shouted, to the surprise of the others, barring Beth and Aisling of course. 'We are _not_ done yet!! Now shut the hell up about it!!!'

 'Okay, okay, okay,' Beth muttered huffily. 'I was only asking a question.'

Mon Mothma turned back to Aisling and left the job of restraining Madine to Dodonna. 

 'What do you know of Carida?' she asked. Aisling rolled her eyes.

 'A planet-full of troopers,' she sighed. 'Oh if only I knew the co-ordinates!'

 'What of troop movements?'

 'Nothing,' Aisling said straight off. 

 'I find that hard to believe,' Leia said. Aisling smirked.

 'Normally I would agree but its so difficult getting information from people who are running in the opposite direction, don't you think?'

 'According to our reports,' Leia countered. 'A fair number ran **_towards_** you.'

 'That's true,' Aisling nodded. 'But they're always too thick to know where they've **_been_** never mind where they're **_going_** so they're no help to anyone.' She shrugged. 'Well, maybe as targets.'

 'Or punching bags,' Beth supplied.

 'Flight practise.' Beth gave Aisling a sour look at that one.

 'During which they deafen everyone within a three-mile radius.' Aisling groaned at the memory. 

 'I know! My ears rang for ten minutes after they shut up.'

 'Surely you mean smashed into the tarmac.'

 'Whatever.' She turned back to the four. 'Shopping bag holders.'

 'Portable wallets.'

 'Buyers of drinks.'

 'Transport.'

 'Drivers _and_ manual.'

 'Room service.'

 'Bed warmers.'

 'We get the point,' Dodonna said hurriedly before they could go any further. *No bloody wonder there's only a weak search for them* he thought.

 'Oh don't give me that look princess,' Aisling was saying. 'If the stormtroopers weren't so over-confident to the point of stupidity and brainwashed to where an independent thought is a miracle they would have wiped the floor with the entire Rebel Alliance and you bloody know it.' The looks shot at her by the four sitting opposite gave whole new meanings to the term 'death glare.'

 'Can I join the conversation now?' Beth whined. 'Its boring just listening.'

 'Not yet,' Aisling replied. 'Go back to sleep.'

 'Ok,' Beth grumbled and cushioned her head with her folded arms on the table.

 'Now,' Aisling said, turning back to Mon Mothma. 'The next question would be?'

The Rebel Leader opened her mouth to speak, just as Beth murmured, 'Mmm, George.'  

*~*

The captain looked oddly at the Sith Lord out of the corner of his eye. If he didn't know any better, he would have sworn that Vader was trying to stop himself from drumming his fingers. They were in a meeting with other officers of the starship. He had seen the black-clad figure remain straight-backed and attentive to every nuance and turn of every word and expression for meetings, conferences, and court appearances that usually lasted days. But now, Vader was fidgeting like a red-raw recruit and the meeting had only gone on for, the captain looked at his chronometer, barely an hour! The Imperial officer had to restrain himself from reprimanding the Sith as he would an impatient gunner under his command. 

Just as the captain realized this, the black helmet swung around and he found himself to have Vaders full attention. 

*~*

The Sith Lord looked on, bemused as the captain gulped, went pale and finally ducked his head. Slowly, he turned the helmet back to the commander, and out of the corner of his eye, saw the captain visibly sag about three inches. 

Vader was bored. For the first time he could remember. Bored out of his shiny black helmet. Idly, he toyed with the idea of throttling all the officers at once, then tossed it away. It was difficult enough to get good men as it was.

Force, he wanted to get out of there! Those dammed troopers were barely bothering to search, thinking that he wouldn't know when they just walked around Imperial City with their rifles on their shoulders and never looking left or right. He knew that if he could just grab five minutes to meditate, he would find Aisling and Beth and be able to pinpoint their exact location. But his dammed duties and the dammed Emperor were making sure that he barely had time to turn around, never mind relax. This was the seventh meeting in three days and they were all the same stupid monotonous mumbling. 

Vader realized that his gloves were tapping out a tattoo on the shiny table and he swiftly quelled it. The officers around the table had been watching his hand as if hypnotised and now they instinctively ducked their heads when it stopped. 

Vader looked at them for a few seconds while they sheepishly sat straight again, then cleared his throat. Each one of them jumped a foot in the air, one missing his chair on the way down and crashing to the floor. The Sith watched with interest as he scrambled madly to get back into his chair and attempted to gather his dignity.

*Now I know why those two always do this sort of thing* Vader thought, watching the commander as he gathered his papers back together. *This is fun*

 'Whenever you're ready,' Vader said in a silky voice. 'Commander.' The poor man visibly gulped and accidentally scattered the pile again.

Vader sat back and waited, no longer bored. 

*Maybe this meeting wont be so bad after all*

*~*

Aisling stared woodenly at Mon Mothma, wondering when the woman would get the hint and bugger off. But then again, rebels as a species tend to be notorious about ignoring hints, especially the stop-and-go-away variety. 

Beside her Beth appeared to be counting the cracks in the ceiling, between huffing pointedly and drumming her fingers loudly on the table.

 'I cannot take this anymore,' she hissed between her teeth. Aisling shrugged.

 'Same everything I've said before.'

 'All these words they make no sense,' Beth growled. 'I found bliss in ignorance.'

 'Less I hear the less you say,' Aisling snarled at Mothma. 'You'll find that out anyway.'

 'Just like before,' Beth sighed.

The four rebels blinked and leaned backwards as both jumped to their feet and moshed wildly as they roared through the chorus.

 'Everything you say to me!'

 'Takes me one step closer to the edge and Im about to break!'

 'I need a little room to breath!'

 'Cos Im one step closer to the edge and Im about to break!'

 'I find the answers aren't so clear,' Aisling half-sang half-sighed.

Dodonna rubbed his temples as they went on. This was gonna take a while.

*~*

 'I miss Vader,' was the sudden announcement. 'It's no fun here.' 

Aisling grinned as the four Rebels stared at the other girl in varying degrees of astonishment.

 'Oh yes,' she said. 'Annoying the Dark Side out of an extremely powerful Sith Lord and his Emperor. Much fun.'

 'It was!'

 'I know it was. That's why I said it.'

 'But you said it sarcastically.'

 'Did I?' Aisling asked, feigning surprise, then laughed as Beth made a face at her. 

 'Let me get this straight,' Leia said. Despite having decided long before to not fry brain-cells in the useless attempt at understanding either of them, curiosity over-rode common sense. 'You want Vader, Darth Vader, here? Now?'

 'Yep,' Beth replied happily. 'He's fun.' She and Aisling immediately cracked up at the looks on the others faces. 

 'Even though he broke your foot?' Aisling asked after a while.

 'He broke your foot?' Madine repeated.

 'She kicked him.' Aisling paused. 'Correction, **_attempted_** to kick him in the bollix. The body armour got in the way.'

 'You kicked Darth Vader?' Mon Mothma asked, slightly shocked. 'In the balls?'

 'Well I had to,' Beth whined. 'He wouldn't give me my wallet back.' As she said this, she automatically searched for her wallet. 'Where is it?' she asked after a moment. 'Where's my wallet?'

Dodonna watched as Aislings head spun around to stare in horror at her friend who was conducting a second and third search of her pockets and person.

 'Alright,' Beth said at last. 'Who's got my wallet?' There was a screeching noise as Aislings chair shot ten foot backwards to slam into the wall.

 'Wallet?' Mon Mothma asked. 'What wallet?'

 'My wallet!' Beth yelled, standing. 'With my picture of George in it! Where's my George picture?!'

 'You didn't come in with a wallet,' Dodonna said, leaning backwards despite himself. He held out a list, which Beth snatched out of his hand and read hurriedly.

 'This is what we had when we came in here,' she growled. 'My wallet isn't on it.' Aisling, who could add two and two and get four quite quickly when she had to, began sidling towards the door. 'That means I didn't have it coming in here.' Aisling was at the door and heaving on the handle with all her might. 'And I had it leaving the palace.' She started slamming her shoulder against the door, trying to break it down before Beth completed the sequence. 'Which means I lost it over Imperial City.' There was a horrible silence. '**_AISLING!!!!!_**' 

After a couple of minutes Madine leaned over to Mon Mothma.

 'Think we should stop them?' he asked, looking at the two best friends, currently engaged in the dirtiest, most vicious fight any of them had ever seen.

 'Why?' Mon Mothma asked back. 'There'll be one less to deal with.'

Beth managed to get a lock around Aislings throat and slammed her down onto the table.

 '**_You Bitch!!_**' she roared at top volume an inch from Aislings face. '**_You lost me my wallet!!! And my picture!!! You lost my picture of George!!!!_**' she screamed, bouncing Aislings head off the table at each word. Aisling didn't pay much attention to this, having locked her hands around Beths throat.

In the middle of this, Luke walked in and stopped dead at the sight of the two girls killing each other on the table where four Rebel leaders were seated.    

 'Er, hi?' he asked. Both Beth and Aisling stopped and looked up at him, looking annoyed at being interrupted. Beth pulled in a deep breath to roar at him, then saw what was in his hand. 

 'My wallet!' she squealed, leaping across the room, dragging Aisling along as a matter of course.

 'Stop right there Bethany Marie Walsh!' Aisling yelled from the floor. She rolled to her feet as Beth halted and spun around.

 'What?!'

 'Hands off,' Aisling snapped, moving between Beth and Luke. 'I saw him first.' She smirked. 'Both here and back home.'

 'But he's got my wallet,' Beth whined. Without breaking eye-contact, Aisling reached down, took the wallet out of Lukes hand and held it out. Beth grabbed it and giggled, hugging it to her. She started to move around Aisling to get to Luke, but was stopped short by Aislings hand suddenly being clamped around her throat.

 'Back,' Aisling growled. 'Off.'

 'But can't I thank him for returning my wallet?' Beth asked innocently, winking at Luke, who grinned back.  The look that Aisling shot him over her shoulder got rid of it quickly.

 'I know exactly what kind of gratitude you mean,' she said turning back to Beth. 'And you can wipe that thought and all associated thoughts straight outta your feeble little mind cos it ain't happening. Ever.'

 'But you've already had him,' Beth pointed out.

 'And I'm keeping him. This is one main character that you're not getting your claws into.'

 'But Han! And Vader! Who else is there?' Aisling considered.

 'Okay, point taken.'

 'Good,' Beth smirked moving forward, only to nearly crash into the table due to a shove from Aisling.

 'Make that a **_genre_** that you're not getting your claws into,' Aisling corrected, hands on hips.

 'But then who can I get?' Beth wailed. 'There's no stormtroopers around here you know!'

 'Well, there's General Crix Madine over there,' Aisling said off-hand, which earned her an instant death mark.

 'Which one's Madine?' 

 'Guy on the left.' There was a contemplative silence.

 'I dunno. Is he any good?' Aisling shrugged, indicating that for all its information trivia and general nonsense that her brain could absorb in relation to Star Wars, information on characters performance in bed was hard to come by.

 'He's Corellian,' she offered. 'That's something at least. Mind you,' she added thoughtfully, smiling back to the man behind him. 'Luke's Tatooinian so you cant really rely on it.'

 'Hmm,' Beth mused. 'We'll see how it goes.' 

Madine finally found his voice, keenly aware of Dodonna and Leia shaking with silent laughter and Mon Mothma a few light-seconds from bursting beside him. 

 'I'm sitting right here!' he yelled in indignation and horror.

 'I know,' Beth answered. 'I looking right at you.' The table was starting to shake from the other three Rebels silent convulsions.

 'Don't we get a choice in this?' Luke asked as Madine gaped in fury and bewilderment.

 'In what?' Aisling frowned, genuinely puzzled. Beth was looking at the three seated at the table slowly recover with an odd look on her face.

 'This. The deciding of who you go with.'

 'Oh that.' The two girls looked at each other for a moment.

 'Nah!'


	18. moody!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars! Just Aisling and Beth! Leave me alone! 

Author: Is this really necessary at this stage? 

Okay, I was in a bit of a mood when I wrote this so it probably isn't as funny as the other ones. I apologize in advance! But I've been wanting to do some Leia-bashing for a while seeing as everyone seems to prefer Luke- bashing to Leia-bashing. What can I say? I'm not normal. 

Basically Beth and Aisling are still with the Rebels and Vader looses his patience a few times. Oh and Leia-bashing. Do enjoy and as always, review. 

Major thanks to **_SummerRose (prev Nory, Biblehermione, Lgirl, Annoying Brat, Annoying Brat again, _**(thanx for idea btw!)**_, Neko Megami, Drama- Princess87, Andy._** You love me! You really love me! And you actually waded through all of that unformatted crap to prove it. *sniff* I feel so appreciated! Hope you like! 

Why are reading this and not reading the story?  
  


'Oh don't start that again.'

 'Why not?' They were still in the room with Madine, Mon Mothma, Leia and Dodonna and now with Luke stationed, at the moment, in the corner. 'Cos you know that Voldemort could kick Vaders armoured arse from here to Pluto?'

 'No! Cos until you see Vader beating Wizard boys snaky arse you wont believe me when I tell you that a piece of wood and feather is no match for the Force.' 

 'You gonna seriously tell me that an invisible substance is a match for a wizard of Voldemorts magnitude.'

 'No, I'm telling you that the Force, the energy-field which gives the Jedi their powers, surrounds us, penetrates us and binds the galaxy together is not only far more than a match for pathetic parasitic life-forms like Voldemort but when controlled by Force-users like Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker or indeed Darth Vader it blows every single Witch Wizard Auror Mage Clairvoyant and every other dammed category in existence since the dammed start of Witchcraft and Wizardry straight out of the dammed water!'  

There was silence for a moment as everyone in the room recovered from Aislings increasingly infuriated speech.

 'What the hell?' Beth began. Luke, sensing Aislings rapidly slipping grip on her temper, cut Beth off by asking who or what Voldemort was.

Beth grinned maniacally and drew a deep breath.

 'Well Voldemort is this really evil wizard, who's really called Tom Riddle. He went bad like, fifty years ago and went round with his Death-Eaters, sorta like intelligent troopers.'

 'Now, **_there's_** a contradiction in terms,' Aisling commented.

 'Shut up. Anyway, they went around killing lots of other wizards until Halloween 1981 when he killed Lily and James Potter and then attempted to kill their year-old son Harry but it backfired and he was turned into a kinda parasite. He's fought Harry three times since, as a parasite on the back on Professor Quirrells head and then in a book diary thing and then in Goblet of Fire he regenerated and killed Cedric Digory and nearly killed that damn Potter who escaped. Again!'

 'You can tell how overcome with joy she is at this fact,' Aisling added dryly, as Beth switched trains of thought.

 'But I like his best friend Ron Weasley,' Beth went on, completely ignoring Aisling. 'Ron is 15 and has red hair and is the youngest of six boys. He has one younger sister, Ginny. He's totally made for Hermione but neither will admit it. And did I say he's a total babe?' Aisling caught Lukes eye and grimaced at him for starting her off. Luke shrugged it off, though he ducked his head to avoid the death-glares thrown his way from the other Rebels who by now had heard this litany far too many times. 'I mean he's get this gorgeous red hair you just want to run your fingers through and these cerelulean eyes that you just want to fall into. And he's an excellent Wizard Chess player and a total hottie. And he's intelligent too, cos I mean he manages to keep up with 'Mione. Oh and one last thing, he is fine!'

Aisling heaved a silent sigh of relief, giving thanks to whatever may be listening that she hadn't gone on to the other Weasley men.

 'And then there's Geo,' Beth began, but continued on as 'Mmph. Mmph, Mmmph!' due to Aislings hand being clamped across her mouth.

 'Shut it!' Aisling hissed, then yelped as Beth bit on her fingers viciously.  'Whore-bitch!' she yelled.

 'You put your hand across my mouth!' Beth growled. 'God only knows where its been!' She smirked at Luke. 'Well, maybe one place its been.'

 'You were only gonna go on about George and Force knows I'm sick of that! "George is fine!" ' she said, mimicking Beth in full adoration mode. ' "George has lovely eyes, lovely hair, lovely whatever!" ' she snarled.

 'Fine,' Beth huffed. 'If I cant talk about him, I'm gonna look at him.' She retreated into the corner with her wallet. After a few seconds giggles and "Mmm George!"s could be indistinctly heard.

 'Er, yeah,' Aisling said. 'You don't want to go there. Anywhere near there. In fact, get an MSE droid or something in there when she's done. Nothing biological should go near her for about,' she paused, calculating. 'Two hours. But maybe a trooper would be good.'

 'Hehe troopers,' Beth giggled. There was a pause. 'Hey!'

Aisling swiftly got behind Luke, while she still could.    

 'So Beth,' Luke said in a vain attempt to prevent **_another_** fight. 'Will you show me this picture?'

 'Gods, those Tatooine suns really fried your brain,' Aisling muttered. Luke glared, and threatened to leave her without shelter from Beth.

 'You really want to see it?' Beth asked suspiciously. 

 'Huh? Yeah,' Skywalker replied turning back to her. He reached out for the picture then pulled his hand back similar to Beths when she had reached for the "pretty buttons."

 'Don't touch,' Beth scolded, before holding the picture up. 'See, he's gorgeous and he's in his Quidditch gear. Lovely. He's a beater for Gryffindor. I'm a Gryffindor too and she's,' a glance at Aisling, 'A Slytherin, but we cant all be perfect,' she added graciously.

 'If perfection has you included,' Aisling retorted. 'Then I want none of it.'

 'I'm insulted.'

 'You were supposed to be.' Beth glared at Aisling, then turned the picture over to show Draco.

 'See that? That's what she fancies.' Luke looked at the photo then at Aisling.

 'He's a child.' Beth smirked.

 'So's Ron,' Aisling replied, shrugging. Beth glared.

 'Well at least I got to get with George.'

 'You?' Aisling asked, perplexed. 'Oh yeah, the look-a-like,' she sniggered. Luke looked at her oddly; he could sense the deceit.

 'Hey, he was the exact double, that's all I cared about.' Beth frowned in memory. 'Weren't you supposed to meet the Draco look-a-like yesterday?'

 'Huh?' Aisling frowned, then she remembered. 'Oh Force! That's right! And I was here! And I couldn't meet him!' Aisling promptly started cursing every Rebel in existence, hoping that Beth didn't notice the slip. Luke looked at her.

 'You're…' he meant to say lying, but the killing look shot his way from Aisling made the word lodge in his throat.

 'Ah well,' Aisling sighed after a few minutes when her breath ran out. 'At least I got something good out of it,' she finished, smiling up at Luke. Beth started coughing and gagging madly. Aisling raised an eyebrow, smiled sweetly and said one word.

 'Xizor.'

One hour later.

 'When are we getting rid of those two?!' Leia cried, rubbing at a bacta patch that covered her left eye.

 'If I have anything to do with it,' Dodonna growled, slapping a dose of perigen on his right side under the ribs. ''Three days ago.' That off-hand mention of the Faleen prince had immediately resulted in a free-for-all that dragged in all the occupants of the room, all the occupants of the listening post and a few unfortunate individuals that had done nothing more than be in the corridor outside when the fight spilled out.

It finally took the full authority of Chewie, Chewies bowcaster and Admiral Ackbar to stop the fight, but mainly Chewie and the bowcaster. 

Aisling was sat on the floor; trying to restore order to her hair -remarkably both she and Beth were unscathed- and Beth was currently being held away from Luke who was still laughing maniacally over her cringe fit, despite a thick lip from persons unknown.

 'Listen you incestuous blonde-haired whinge! I only screwed him cos I didn't know at first! I haven't done him again!' Aisling made a strangled noise and Beth shot her a look for even thinking of interrupting her tangent. 'And furthermore,' she paused. 'Aw Aisling! I lost my train of thought! Where was I?'

 'Talking about George?' Luke offered; he hadn't been listening. Everyone within arm reach of the Jedi-in-training belted him for it. 

 'Really?' Cause I think I'd remember if I was talking about him,' Beth frowned, not noticing how Luke was getting beat up.

 'You zoned,' Luke said, glaring at his fellow rebels.

 'Are you sure? Anyway, yeah George is like a total finer,' everyone groaned and used Luke as a punch-bag again. 'And all thanks to Vader.' Beth stopped and made a face similar to a kicked puppy. 'I miss Vader. When can we go home?'

 'Home?' Aisling asked, amazed.

 'Yeah, home to Vader and the troopers and my sorta boyfriend from the _Avenger_ and my bed and the fridge-cooker thing. And the shops and pubs.'

 'You call Imperial City home?' Luke asked, curious.

 'Hell yeah,' Beth answered, ignoring Aisling look of disgust. 'Cause EellanPiett, my sort of on-again-off-again boyfriend, is here, unless they left.' She whirled on the Rebels. 'If he's gone before I see him again, so help me I will break all your fingers and toes and then take a sledgehammer to your ankles knees and wrists. Then I'll cut little slits in your skin and rub sodium chloride in them' She crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow. 'And then I'll start on the painful stuff.'

Aisling grabbed her friend and pulled her aside.

 'Piett, as in Captain Piett?' she asked, knowing that the language she spoke wasn't understood by any.

 'No, Piett as in "Sergeant that uniform gives away nothing" Piett.'

 'Sergeant?' Aisling repeated, puzzled. 'But? How old is this guy?' Beth shrugged.

 'About 20 or thereabouts.'

 'Huh?' Aisling was confused. Then understanding dawned. 'Ah, right. His dads Captain Piett.'

 'Yeah, didn't I tell you that?'

 'Beth, I only just found out that you consider him a boyfriend. How am I supposed to know the guys family tree?'

 'You're the expert here,' Beth replied, turning away. 'I assumed you knew.'

 'Why are you still living?' Aisling muttered in Basic, as her friend joined Luke and Wedge.

 \Is she talking about Beth or herself?\ Chewie wondered to himself.

 'Both,' Aisling snarled. 

*~*

Vader slammed the door to his quarters on the Avenger in the face of yet another dammed courier. He was growing increasingly impatient with all these calls for his attention. Not half-an-hour ago a lieutenant had lead him to the bridge to tell him about a blind spot in the sensors. The blind spot directly behind the bridge that was noted in the ships blue-prints and was now a part of training to compensate for. And he had been dragged to the bridge to be told that! He had Force-choked the officer in the hope that it would discourage similar stupidity. Not a hope in hell. It seems the Emperor had secretly ordered every officer, EVERY officer on the ship to make sure that he, Vader, had not more than two milli-seconds to draw breath at a time! 

In the end he had simply stormed back to his quarters and slammed the door. He felt like a dammed Padawan again. 

Ignoring the persistent calling of a foolhardy young captain, Vader stood and relaxed, seeking the focus that he needed. Within a minute he had it and began the search.

*~*

Working on pure automatic, the captain raised his hand again, fully expecting it to be ripped off at the shoulder and rammed down his throat. 

Then the door opened and shut again, the Sith Lord striding past the captain so quickly that the officer was sent flying into the wall. 

Vader halted, turned and went back to the officer. Raising his hand, he lifted the captain to his feet with the Force, dusted off the mans' uniform and set the cap right on his head. 

The captain looked up at the armoured Sith and managed a rather shaky salute. Vader nodded and turned away. Breaking the captains neck as he went.

*~*

Vader strode down to the docking bays. He knew that if he went through the usual procedure of securing his shuttle, there was little doubt that it would suffer from a sudden fault. Though he could probably fix it in a few minutes, he didn't have the patience to not kill everyone on board if that happened. So he just went to secure the shuttle himself. 

He paused as he passed the troopers mess. He would probably need a few guns. 

*~*

The, currently off-duty, lieutenant nearly choked on his drink when he saw the Dark Lord walk in the door. Vader **_never_** came near any of the messes on board, not even the senior officers. What the hell was he doing here?

The Sith looked around the room, trying to find four troopers that weren't too drunk or asleep. The gloved hand shot out.

 'You. You. You and you. Come with me.'

With a heart-felt groan the lieutenant finished his ale and put his helmet back on, joining his fellow 'volunteers,' at growling obscenities at the cheers by those lucky enough not to be sober.  

The Sith Lord was waiting impatiently outside the door. He handed four blaster rifles to the troopers and set off toward the hangers, clearly expecting them to follow.

The troopers didn't look at each other, just got into form and followed the black-clad figure. 

What else could they do?

*~*

Aisling rubbed her arms and glanced at the ceiling.

 'Dammit,' she sighed.

 'What is it?' Luke asked her, coming over.

 'Oh, nothing really. Just someone tap-dancing on my grave,' she said wryly. Luke smiled, then chewed on his lower lip. He clearly had something to say, Aisling waited to hear it.

 'A while ago,' he said at last. 'You mentioned my father, Anakin Skywalker,' he added, seeing the frown cross Aislings face. 

 'Oh, yeah. What of it?'

 'Did you know him?' Aisling took a moment to think. This was tricky ground she was on. If she lied, Luke would sense it and if she told the truth… Well she just couldn't tell the truth.

 'I knew him by reputation,' she said at last. 'Not in person.'

 'Then what was his reputation?' Luke pressed.  

 'Er, strong in the Force, quick to help if required, a good swordsman though not as good as he thought. Um,' she paused, wondering what to tell him. 'He had several weaknesses though he tried not to let them hold him back. Look,' she said facing him. 'There must be someone who knew him better than I who could tell you properly.' Luke shrugged. 

 'Not really, most who knew him died on the Clone Wars or because of the Empire or are in the Empire.' Aisling sighed.

 'Like I said I didn't know him that well, I don't know what I can tell you.'

 'All you know,' Luke grinned. 'That's all.' *Right* Aisling thought. *That's really gonna happen*

 'Well,' she began again. 'He was a thrill-seeker. He scared the living Force out of Obi Wan whenever they were in any kind of transport that Anakin was driving. You know he was native to Tatooine, right?' Luke nodded. 'Right, but he came from Mos Eisley, he lived with his mother in, er, um, that's to say,' she floundered. 'He raced Pods as a child,' she covered with. 'Only won the one though, hell only **_finished_**the one but he somehow managed to emerge with all limbs and brains intact so that's okay.' 

 'What were you going to say?' Luke interrupted her with.

 'Hmm? Oh, er. Anakin Skywalker, er, your father was, um.' She took a breath. 'He was a slave. He and his mother, your grandmother, were first owned by Gardulla the Hutt but they were lost to Watto when Anakin was three.'  

 'A slave?' Luke repeated, shocked. 'My father was a slave?'

 'He can't have been!' Leia denied, turning to them from a conversation with Dodonna. 

 'And why not Princess?' Aisling asked calmly. 'Because you say so?' Leia narrowed her eyes at her.

 'Because slavery was banned in the Republic.' Aisling snorted.

 'In case you haven't noticed, Tatooine is a bit out of the way, right out on the edge of the Outer Rim to be exact. And no-one in the Core Worlds cared a damn about anything that wasn't in the Inner Rim.'

 'But the Senate would have noticed this and put a stop to it,' Leia stated. Aisling raised an eyebrow at her, realizing that the other woman really believed it.

 'Maybe at the beginning of the Republic they might have. At the end, hell no they wouldn't. And do you know why? Because the Senate was full of politicians and bureaucrats who cared far more for lining their bottomless pockets than anything else. Especially planets that are more than a day of hyperspace from Coruscant.'

 'But,' then Leia paused. 'Ah, Imperial propaganda strikes again.'

 'No,' Aisling replied, shaking her head. 'Just plain old truth.'

 'From your point of view.'

 'From the only dammed point of view that matters, your royal highness. You never saw the Republic Senate, did you? Never saw how mired it was in procedure and debate and bloody foolishness. The few, and they were few, politicians like Padme Amidala Naberrie and Bail Organa were surrounded by so much red tape and protocols so that no matter what way they went in trying to do something to actually **_help_** the people they were there to represent, the other ones who were either paid off or otherwise corrupt slammed so much paperwork and, and **_committees_** in their way that couldn't lift a dammed finger to save themselves!' 

 'Are you saying that the Empire is better?' Leia asked, while Aisling got her breath back.    

 'No, I'm not,' Aisling replied. 'All I'm telling you is this; believe your deluded perceptions of the Republic and the Senate if you wish. I have no doubt that its one of the few things that keep you going, but understand one thing. The Republic would not, **_could_**not have continued as it was and it was far too rotten to change. The whole galaxy was falling apart by the time of the Clone Wars and while this was aided by the Sith, it would have happened anyway.'

 'So you are saying that the Empire is better,' Leia said stubbornly. Aisling growled.

 'Listen to me and stop deciding how to react for one single dammed minute!' she hissed. 'This is exactly why it was so easy for Palpatine to trip the Republic, drop it flat on its face and shatter it into millions of pieces. The Republic was stagnant and falling apart. No-one stood with anyone else any more, or else they stood with the highest bidder. The politicians were no better than well-dressed mercenaries and the bureaucracies made sure it stayed that way. The Senate couldn't agree on the chemical composition of water for the love of Force! And Palpatine exploited it. So well in fact that by the time everyone woke up to the fact that the Empire controlled everything it was far too late.' She looked at the now silent princess. 'The Empire is not one of my most favourite institutions, but at least now there are only two sides.' She smiled sweetly at them, then went to find Beth, none too overjoyed.

 'Okay,' Beth said after a minute. 'Was there a point to that, or were you just indulging in some leader-bashing?'

 'A little of both,' Aisling replied. She glanced around to see if C3PO was anywhere near. He wasn't, but she knew that there was a bug in the wall near them, that would do.  'Beth,' she said in a low voice.

 'Yeah.'

 'Our armoured friend is on his way,' she muttered in one of the tongues that the Rebels couldn't understand. Beth nodded absently, then turned and looked at her friend.

 'Really?' she asked, in the same way. 'How do you know?' Aisling unconsciously rubbed her arms.

 'I'm not sure, but he should be here soon.' 

 'Woohoo!' Beth yelled and started jumping around the room with glee.

 'What's up with her?' Han asked Aisling.

 'Oh, she just got told that by the time we get home,' Aisling replied in Basic. 'The dammed and cursed Leaving Cert will be done. Actually,' she added, frowning. 'We've been here for,' she paused, calculating. Then she grinned widely. 'The damn things over already! Woohoo!' 

 'Leaving Cert?' Han repeated. 'What's the Leaving Cert?'

 'Really big tough exams set at the end of school that tests the knowledge learned

over two years in six subjects,' Aisling explained. 'And we wont have to do them! Ever! Hehehehehehehe!'   

 'Why not?' Leia asked, joining the conversation. 'Would you not re-do them when you go home?'

 'What, you really think you're the only one who can never go home, princess?' Aisling asked, grinning lop-sidedly. 'Even if we wanted to, we cant return to our home planet.'

 'What did the Empire do to it?' Leia asked, feeling a pang of empathy for the strange pair.

 'Its not what they did, it's what they would do.' Aisling shrugged. 'As far as we know, the Empire, hell the whole dammed galaxy has no knowledge of our solar system, never mind our planet.' She shrugged again and grinned slyly. 'We just, made sure it stayed that way.'

 'But how? The ships computer would have automatically recorded the exact co-ordinates,' Han stated. Then he stopped as Aislings grin got wider. 'You wiped the records?' he asked disbelievingly.

 'Well done, good sir,' Aisling giggled.  

 'Hey,' Beth said walking back over to them, having recovered from her hyperness. 'What's going on?'

 'Telling them that we wiped the _Avenger_s' computer,' Aisling told her.

 'The whole computer?' Leia asked, awed.

 'Nah,' Beth said shaking her head. 'It was too highly protected for that. But we managed to wipe the, hyperspace?' she asked, looking at Aisling who nodded. 'Yeah the hyperspace records and co-ordinates.'

 'How the hell did you manage that?' Han asked.

 'Pulled the plug. We turned the ship off,' Beth added at their blank looks. 'It was easy really, just had to find the right buttons.' She looked at her friend who was grinning maniacally at the shocked looks on Han and Leias faces. 'They were such pretty buttons, weren't they?'

 'I dunno,' Aisling said. 'I was more interested in the men pushing them. But then we hopped into the system when they turned it back on and wiped the record board clean.' She sniggered. 'They still reckon it was a by-product of cutting the power.' 

 'Think you can do that again?' Leia asked. The possibilities! They could cripple the Empire one ship at a time literally at the push of a button! Beth and Aisling shook their heads.

 'Sorry, no,' Aisling said. 'The technicians went into the system just as we got out and made it so that you have to know about twenty different passwords, which change every day, to even get near the dammed buttons. And they've modified every ship to be the same. There's no point in even trying' Aisling shrugged. 'But we did what we wanted, so we didn't care.'

 'Didn't care?' Leia repeated angrily. 'Have you any idea how much that could have helped us? To be able to switch off an Imperial ship! That could have won so many battles for us!'

 'Hey, relax princess,' Aisling said. 'You'll win your battles.' She said it with such certainty that Han and Leia looked at her quizzically. Aisling looked to behind Han. 'Your droid wants you,' she said, then turned away, taking Beth with her.

 'Your royal highness,' C3PO said, hurrying up to her. 'I have some urgent news.'

 'Yes what is it?' Leia asked, a bit impatiently.

 'I have just come from the listening post where I was analysing the information in case…'

 'Yeah ,yeah,' Han interrupted. 'What's the news?'

 'Well, Miss O' Connell was talking to Miss Walsh and she told her that their armoured friend was coming and that it would be soon.' Han and Leia looked at each other.

 'Vader,' Leia said grimly. 'Are you sure?' she asked C3-PO

 'Yes, they spoke in one of their own languages but fortunately it was one which I could translate.'

 'How do you know it wasn't a trick?' Han asked. 

 'Well, they spoke consistently and it would appear that they had merely forgotten which one I can understand and chose the wrong one.'

 'What if it's a trick?' Han asked Leia.

 'We cant risk it. We have to evacuate and now.' She rushed to where Mon Mothma was talking with Admiral Ackbar. Swiftly she appraised them of the situation, while Han got Chewie and Luke.

Within minutes the Rebels were gone without a trace, disappeared into the depths of Imperial City. Leaving behind, in the ways of the multi-verse with regard to hasty moving, a few coffee cups and various miscellaneous -seemingly unimportant but once lost vitally significant- items strewn around the places they had been.

 'Er, okay,' Beth said, hearing a slight echo from the empty rooms. 'I could have sworn I left the Rebel Alliance down here somewhere.'

 'Could it have been something I said?' Aisling asked innocently, looking at the walls. The fleeing Rebels had even been able to take all the probes, leaving telltale holes all over the place. 'Guess they're well used to it by now,' she mused, glancing into the various and deserted rooms which, not fifteen minutes before, had been bustling hives of activity. 

 'So what now?' Beth asked, closing doors as she walked back to her friend. 

 'Now,' Aisling said, going into the room that they had first been put into. She grinned at the cracks in the walls from where the Rebels had finally succeeded in splitting them up. 'We wait.' 

*~*

The lieutenant stared blankly out at the city. If Vader was doing what he thought he thought he was doing, he'd need all the strength he could muster.

The rest of the troopers must have thought the same way as they all clutched their rifles so tight they would probably leave finger marks on the blasters. The lieutenant kept his eye on one in particular, who seemed to be taking an inordinate interest in the muzzle of his weapon.

Over the comlink which was set in each troopers helmet the lieutenant heard a sighed, 'two thousand bottles of beer on the wall.' The officer turned slowly in his seat and eyed the troops. They stared back blankly, but the song stopped. 

*That's another thing to look forward to, isn't it?* the officer thought sourly *That dammed song. And their giggling. And jokes. And innuendos and comments. And* the lieutenant stopped that train of thought as Vaders helmet moved slightly from the viewscreen. 

Robbed even of the chance to think of exactly how many ways the two females irritated and terrified him, the officer turned his gaze back to the view of the planet-wide city. After this he was definitely going to join the Rebel scum.

*~*

Vader set the craft down on top of a building like any other in the planet-wide city. He exited the shuttle before the hatch was fully open and strode toward the elevator door, the troopers hurrying to keep up.

The four and the Sith stood in the ancient and horrendously slow elevator, silently watching the numbers crawl downwards, the music coming from a speaker in the top right corner slowly eating into their heads. 

Finally, after about twenty levels, Vader reached up and pulled the speaker from the wall in a shower of sparks and a burst of static. When the smoke cleared, there were bundles of severed wires spilling out of the hole and the speaker was in Vaders gloved hand, faint wisps of smoke coming from the circuitry. The troopers very nearly gave a resounding cheer as they watched the Sith Lord crumple the useless speaker into a tiny ball of metal and wires. Instead they stood silent and straight, the rifles held across their chests as always. 

There was silence for about another twenty levels, then over the comlinks came another murmured 'two thousand bottles of beer on the wall two thousands bottles of' There was a grunt as the trooper beside the one singing, rammed the stock of his rifle into a spot in the singing troopers side where the body armour didn't quite cover. Vader didn't turn around, but the troopers got the distinct impression that the Sith was relieved by the troopers prompt action.

Finally, after twenty minutes, Vader stopped the elevator and opened the door. The troopers marched obediently behind him, one favouring his right side. 

As they strode toward where Vader knew Aisling and Beth to be, the Sith stretched out his senses to the limit. All he could detect were the two girls he was looking for, no sign of the Rebels at all. Odd. When he had discovered Aisling and Beths location, the whole building had been crawling with Rebels. Now there was not one to be found. They had been here, that was for sure. There were signs of them everywhere. The Rebels had been there right up to, Vader calculated the time, fifteen minutes before they had arrived. Which means they had been tipped off. 

The Sith Lord walked faster, not noticing how the troopers had to nearly run to stay with him. If Beth or Aisling had alerted the Rebels, they were in serious trouble.

*And this time* Vader thought. *They'll stay punished* 

*~*

Aisling looked toward the door, just before Vader walked in.

 'Vader!' Beth squealed, running towards him. Vader however, having learnt from the last time, created a barrier that Beth ran straight into. 'Hey!' she cried, hitting it experimentally. 'Can you teach me how to do that?'   

 'Not likely,' Aisling said, getting up from her cross-legged position on the floor. 'You kind of have to be force-sensitive to do stuff like that. You know, using the Force.'

 'Really?' Beth gasped in mock-shock. 'I did not know that!'

 'Yes, you'd be amazed at how much you don't know,' Aisling commented dryly, then quickly moved out of range.

 'The Rebels,' Vader said, his foot tapping the floor. 'Where did they go?'

 'Well hello to you too,' Aisling said, turning to him. 'I'm fine how are you?'

 'The Rebels,' he repeated. 'Where. Are. They?'

 'The?' Beth asked, looking quizzically at her friend. 'Were they the guys that left about, I dunno, half-an-hour ago?'

 'You, know I think they might have been,' Aisling replied. 'Weren't they the guys that commandeered our speeder, brought us here, and stopped us from leaving?'

 'I think so, but I'm not sure,' Beth said thoughtfully. She turned back to Vader. 'How's "yes" for an answer?'

 'Troopers,' Vader snapped. 'Fan out and look for anything that may point towards where the Rebels have gone.' The troopers smartly stood to attention then turned and left, not so much to follow orders as to get out of the way of Beth and Aisling.

'You know,' Aisling said. 'That probably wont help.'

 'Why not?' Vader asked. 'Do you know where they went?'

 'Oh yeah like the Rebel Alliance are going to tell two people who are known acquaintances with Darth Vader and stay at the Palace, where they're making their next base.' Aisling paused. 'In other words, no. What I meant was, it wont be much help because the average trooper could pick up a 2-d map of the galaxy where ten planets are circled in thick red ink and marked 'Rebel bases' and they still wont have a damn clue as to what's going on.' 

 'Its keeps them occupied,' Vader stated, shrugging.  Beth had clearly been pondering something while the other two talked. Now she nudged her friend with her elbow.

 'Yeah?' Aisling asked. Beth nodded in the direction of the door where the troopers had been a few minutes before.

 'Did one of them look familiar to you?' Both Vader and Aisling gave her an odd look, though in the case of Vader it was no different than all his other looks.

 'Er yes, because they're troopers,' Aisling told her. 'They all look the same.'

 'No, one was very familiar.' Vader glanced at Aisling who shrugged.

 'Nope, they all look the same to me.'

 'I wonder where I know him from,' Beth muttered. 'Vader,' she said after a moment. 'Is there a lieutenant among them?'

 'Yes,' he replied. 'Why?' Now Aisling was looking at the doorway thoughtfully.

 'Can you get him to come back?' Vader rolled his eyes unseen and did so. After a few minutes the lieutenant came in the door and stood before the three.

 'You see?' Beth asked triumphantly. 'I knew it!'

 'I still cant place him,' Aisling said, frowning. 'I know him from somewhere but I cant place him.'

 'The flight to the _Avenger_,' Beth told her. 'Wasn't it?' she asked the officer, who nodded in shock

 'Hey you're right,' Aisling said. 'Never thought I'd say that.' Vader looked from Beth to Aisling to the trooper back to Beth.

 'Trooper dismissed,' he said. Then when the lieutenant made his escape, 'Huh?'

 'That's the lieutenant who was in charge of the troopers that you sent to bring us on board the _Avenger_,' Aisling explained patiently, reasonably patiently. 'Remember?' Vader stared at them. Even he hadn't spotted that. How the hell did they manage it? A large and painful headache was beginning to make itself known behind his eyes.

 'Okay, I'll take your word for it,' he sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was play spot-the-trooper with this pair of… He left that thought unfinished as another came to mind. They would have seen the Rebels, wouldn't they? Maybe even heard the names of some of them. He looked at them. Beth was likely to tell him, right? Whatever about Aisling, Beth could always be relied on to let her mouth hit the hyperdrive while her brain was still unlocking the Star Cruiser.

 'How many Rebels were here?' he asked slowly. Both girls shrugged. 'Rough guess?' They looked at each other.

 'About, twenty I'd say,' Aisling hazarded. Beth nodded, agreeing with the figure. 'Yeah, twenty, maybe less.'

 'Did you see any of them?' Aisling put on a sabacc face. Beth didn't.

 'Well there was salmon dude,' she said. 'Neck-pain guy, big dog, who else Aisling?' Aisling couldn't look Vader in the visor. 

 'Wood block, Indiana Jones, nun lady, lefty,' Aisling added. Vader was getting more perplexed by the moment.

 'Santa,' Beth said. 'Any more?' Aisling thought for a moment. 

 'I think that's it,' she said at last. 'Any good?'

 'It might help,' Vader growled. 'If I knew what the hell you're on about.'

 'Oh we didn't know any of their names,' Beth explained. 'So we made up nick-names for them.'

 'But you saw their faces?'

 'Some of them,' Beth replied. 'But I didn't pay much attention to them.'

 'She has her picture,' Aisling explained. She grinned. 'There was quite a crisis there for a while over it.'  

 'Lord Vader,' the lieutenant said, re-entering the room. There were times when he, the trooper, cursed his rank. 'A thorough search has been conducted. There is no evidence to show where the Rebels have gone.'

 'Then I'm guessing you missed the secret compartments,' Beth commented offhandedly. 'Never mind, I'm sure those maps and charts are useless anyway.'

There was a horrible silence, where Vaders ventilator was the only sound. The trooper stood stock-still for a moment, then snapped a hasty salute and raced to get back to the other troopers.

 'What secret compartments?' Aisling asked her friend.

 'The non-existent ones,' Beth replied. 'I love messing with troopers heads,' she commented to no-one in particular. 'It's so much fun.'

 'Too easy though,' Aisling said. 'No challenge in it.'

'There is that,' Beth agreed. 

Vader stared at them for a moment, then decided not to pursue the issue. No longer used to their peculiar brand of humour and insanity, he needed to get back to a form of sanity, even if only for a short time.

 'The shuttle is on the roof,' he said, turning to leave. 'Are you coming back to the Palace, or do you want to stay?'

 'Do we have to go back to the palace?' Beth whined, scuffing the ground as she walked beside the black-clad form. 'It's soooooo boring!!!!'

 'I'm gonna have to agree with Beth on this one Vader,' Aisling confessed. 'As much as it goes against the grain.'

 'Yes, you have to go back to the palace,' Vader told them. 'The Emperor has been anxious for your safety,' he lied.

 'Really,' Aisling said dryly. 

 'But _why_ cant we stay on the _Avenger_?' Beth asked plaintively.

 'Cos we keep damaging it?' Aisling asked her. Beth considered.

 '_Besides _that, why cant we stay on the _Avenger_?'    

 'Because,' Vader said.

 'Because what?'

 'Just because.'

Authors note: As you can see I have replaced the last two unformatted chapters to the way they should be and thanks again to everyone who managed to support me despite the fact that they were both in damn big-ass paragraphs. *hugs all reviewers* Thank you so much! And I hope that you keep enjoying this strange little plotless pointless and senseless creation of my permanently addled brain. 

ihadanepiphany 


	19. speeder bikes rule!!

DISCLAIMER: Is there a point to this anymore? No? Good! 

This one is, uh, maybe a, er, no, more of a, but kind of like… *gives up* It's by me so therefore it cannot by comprehended by any who possesses a whole mind or has a firm grip on sanity. Pretty much normal in other words. *smirk*

Hopefully whatever made the last two chapters forget that they were formatted (and they WERE I swear!) has moved on and been dealt with. If it hasn't, then Im sorry but, to quote a certain pilot or two, it's not my fault!  

Dedications!!

DramaPrincess_87,  Sage the Psychic Slytherin,  Dragonlet,  Valeria aka bru-chan,  Annoying brat,  Amaris Sandstone,  Andy,  Pitbull Girl & Panther Cub,  Silverwolfprincess. You all rock and thank you!!  

Um, do enjoy and tell me! Yeah Im a greedy bitch but at least I admit it!!

On to the chapy!

'I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.'

Palatine stopped the recording and looked at Vader who, despite the fact that the black death-mask covered all his features, managed to look innocent.

 'Yes, master?' he said, pretending not to know the reason for the Emperors sudden interest in music.

 'Why,' the Emperor asked slowly. 'Do they insist in driving every sentient within ten kilometres of them to the brink of madness?'

 'Because they're bored,' Vader answered bluntly. Force knew he had heard enough about how lacking in entertainment the Imperial Palace was to them. 'I don't think they find confinement to the Palace very, interesting.' Palatine blinked at him. The Imperial Palace was the biggest building in Imperial City, there was nothing outside it that they could not do inside it, and he said as such.

 'Yes master,' Vader agreed. 'But I believe it is the knowledge that are not allowed go outside the Palace that makes them,' he paused, looking for the right word. 'Restless.'

 'Restless,' Palpatine repeated. 'You call racing through every corridor, harassing Court members, singing those things they call songs at every opportunity and generally making pests of themselves, restless?'

 'Yes.' 

As Palpatine thought for a moment, there came a peculiar and oddly familiar sound from the hall outside the door. Vader, a suspicion forming in his mind, strode to the doors, flung them open and strode out, just in time to get bowled over by the speeder bike flown at high speed by Aisling. 

Aisling looked back. 'Oh, blasted hell,' she muttered, seeing the Sith Lord go for a tumble. 

Beth, strapped to the seat behind Aisling, gave her friend a belt over the head, which nearly sent the two of them and the bike crashing into a large pillar. Aisling banked up till she reached the vaulted ceiling, then with Beth screaming curses at her, drove the bike so close to the roof that they had to duck to avoid the occasional piece of fretwork.

Vader climbed to his feet, thanking the Force that the enormous hall was deserted, watching as the speeder bike dived at an alarming speed then pulled out of it with inches to spare and slewed to a stop in front of him. 

Palpatine came out of the room as Beth shakily unstrapped herself from the bike and fell off, making intermittent wailing noises. Vader lifted her to her feet with the Force.

 'Vader,' Beth growled. 'Put me down. Please.' He did, when Beth said please like that, it was not good to argue, even if you are a Sith Lord. Aisling watched this with amusement, the dash through the Palace having not affected her at all. 

 'I warned you,' she remarked, retying her hair. 'Didn't I say that it's worse than the speeder?' Beth made a half-growl half-whine noise.

 'Don't talk to me Aisling,' she said. 'If you value your life and head, don't talk to me.' Aisling didn't seem abashed by this, she merely laughed and revved the speeder bikes engines.    

 'Ah man I love this thing,' she giggled. Palpatine, who had been watching the exchange silently, came forward.

 'Then by all means,' he said. 'Continue to use it.' Vader didn't look at his master, but wondered what he was up to. Aisling gave him a look of delight, mixed with suspicion.

 'Really? Cos if you don't like me driving it,' she began, but Palpatine waved her off.

 'Not at all. In fact, Vader and I were just discussing how best to provide entertainment for you.' He smiled, which did nothing to disperse Aislings growing suspicions. 'I'm glad that such a simple solution is available.' 

 'Not for me, it isn't,' Beth reminded him, taking his words at surface value, unlike her friend who was wondering how to politely refuse without getting killed.

 'Then we shall have to arrange something else for you, but no matter.' Palpatine turned back to Aisling who was still seated on the speeder bike. 'But you are new to the speeder bike, yes?'

 'I've come across no problems so far,' Aisling replied warily.

 'Then perhaps it is best to make sure that you do not come across any problems in the future,' the Emperor said smoothly. 'Lord Vader can help you with that.'

 'Sire?' Aisling asked, the same time as Vader asked ^Master?^ 

 'I propose that Lord Vader teach you,' Palpatine continued as if he hadn't heard the twin inquiries. It seemed to Aisling that there was the slightest of pauses before the Emperor added, 'How to properly drive a speeder bike.'

 'I'm learning well enough on my own,' Aisling replied, not quite as politely as she had intended.

 'Then with Lord Vaders assistance you can learn even better,' Palpatine finished. 'Good, that's settled then.' He turned to Beth. 'Something shall be arranged for you, don't worry.'

 'Oh, Beth said, standing up for the first time. 'I wont.'

 With a smile to all and a nod to Vader, Palpatine strode off, only half-using his cane. 

 'So,' Aisling said to Vader. 'What now?'

 'Now,' Vader growled, turning away. 'I'm getting a speeder bike.' 

*~*

Beth sat in the repulsor chair, stubbornly not looking at the floor so far away below her, concentrating on watching Vader trying to teach Aisling. They were in some Great Hall or other; there were so many of them it was hard to keep track. It had pillars like the others, but they were set in four clusters with spaces in between the pillars wide enough for the speeders to pass through at high speed and clear space between the clusters, enough for Vader to train Aisling properly. The place had been cleared of people because being seen zooming around on a speeder bike was not the best thing that could happen to Vaders Sithly reputation.

 'Look,' Vader was saying for the third time. 'You're shifting around too much.'

 'Really?' Aisling asked innocently. 'I didn't think that was possible.'

Vader ignored the comment, knowing it to be yet another innuendo and demonstrated what he meant. 

 'Oh,' Aisling said, as if finally understanding the concept. Beth rolled her eyes. She watched as Aisling flew around the hall, flawlessly mimicking the Sith Lord.

 'Good,' Vader said. Then he showed Aisling how to perform tricks on the speeder bike, things like conducting a 360-degree spin at top speed and keeping control, barrel rolls and the like. Soon, Aisling was flinging the bike around the place like a pro.

 'So Beth,' Aisling said to her friend during a break. 'Fancy having a go?' Beth looked at her friend who was sitting cross-legged on the small saddle like it was a wide couch and shook her head. 'No?' Aisling grinned. 'Guess you shouldn't, I do need someone to attend my funeral after all.'

 'That's if they can scrape enough molecules together after you crash to make a funeral worthwhile,' Beth yawned. Her friend laughed and, sitting properly astride the bike, made the speeder drop like a stone then swoop up and around the chair, grinning like a maniac the whole while. Beth watched her and Vader play high-speed hide-and-go-seek in and out of the pillars, absently wondering which one would crash and burn first.  

*~*

Vader weaving around a sculpture and watched as, before she saw him, Aisling veered away from where he was aiming for. She had been doing that all day, and her unusually quick grasp of the complexities of driving a speeder bike lead him to believe that she was Force-sensitive. Only a small bit though, not enough to warrant training or even death, but enough to give her the ability to sense a Force-user and reflexes that were quicker than they should be. This was why the Emperor had arranged this, he now saw. 

*But why?* he wondered.

*~*

Aisling slammed the brakes on the speeder bike, not fully knowing why, then she saw Vader speed past, just in front of her. If she hadn't stopped, they would have collided.

She banked, then had to swerve to avoid the Sith again.

 'What the hell?' Aisling growled. Vader made no indication that he had heard, diving away from her. She muttered a curse and turned the bike the other way, diving when Vader suddenly gunned towards her from the left. Looking back, she saw that Vader hadn't continued on again, but was tailing her. She turned back to the front, and grinned evilly.

 'Alright,' she murmured. 'If that's how you want to play it.' She slowed the bike to a cruise and slowly weaved the bike through the pillars, seemingly ignoring the Dark Lord behind her. She heard Vader slow his bike as well, keeping pace about ten foot behind. She continued this for a while, arching slowly around a large pillar, then veering off to loop around another one. While Vader followed to the second pillar, she suddenly gunned the engines and shot around the first again. She had no misconceptions about whether she could shake off the Sith Lord, but she wanted to see how close she'd come. As she expected, she had barely left the pillar before Vader was right behind her again. She put the bike into a steep dive, then swerved away and spiralled upwards again. That move gained her a few inches, but was swiftly closed again in the climb. She continued up to the ceiling and only pulled out when the main repulsor pod nearly brushed the paintwork. Using a trick only taught to her a bare half-hour before, she made the bike skim the ceiling upside-down so that it became the floor. She dodged the fretwork and hanging sculptures at the highest speed she dared, then fell away from it like a stone, turning the bike as she did so that it was right way up and passed Beths repulsor chair, pulling out of the dive three foot from the floor. Vader of course, was still exactly ten foot behind her. 

She raced away towards the pillars, looping around and weaving through them recklessly. Vader, not only stayed behind her, but followed her though every move like a shadow. Despite her knowledge that she wasn't going to win this by any means, Aisling began to get irritated by the Siths apparent ease in tailing her. She pushed the bike and her new-found skills to their limits in attempting to evade the Dark Lord. 

She looped around a large pillar several times, until she nearly got dizzy, then swerved left, narrowly missing from flying into a statue. She banked up to clear it, then dived down the other side, and slewed the bike right and spiralled up. She risked a look back and saw Vader calmly following her. She snarled and threw her attention back to getting rid of him.

*~*

Vader watched with interest as Aisling turned back to her bike and dived away to the side, zipping in and out of pillars. She had succeeded so far in not letting her irritation get the better of her, but that close call with the statue seemed to have rattled her and the sight of the Sith still behind her turned the shock into anger. He wondered whether she'd have the sense to give up before she lost.

*~*

Aisling swerved out of the cluster of pillars again and sped across the open space, barely an inch from the floor. She didn't look back, knowing that Vader was there. She formed elaborate figures of eight over the ground as a plan formed in the back of her mind. She climbed up, straight up so that the speeder looked like it was balancing on its tail, waited until Vader was in the same position. Then not thinking about it, she flipped a switch on the bike and it went into reverse.

*~*

Vader watched her carefully, she had something planned, he knew. Then his senses screamed at him and he swerved his bike away to the right just Aisling switched hers to reverse. He dived down and followed her as she zoomed backwards to the floor. At the last second, she slammed on the brakes. The bike stopped, but she didn't. The shock jolted her from her seat and sent her crashing to the floor.

*~*

Aisling looked up, dazed as the ceiling swam in and out of focus. She heard Vader land and get off his bike and Beth have a fit in the chair that was stuck fifty feet up. All the breath had been knocked out of her when she hit the ground and she only now remembered to draw breath, wincing as she did so.

 'Oh great,' she groaned. 'More bruises.'         

 'A bit more than that,' Vader said, not amused. 'I've a good mind to make you heal the old-fashioned way for that stunt.' The Sith had checked her for injuries on the way down. 'You've fractured a couple of ribs and will probably have a lump the size of your head on the back of your head.'

 'They say two heads are better than one,' Aisling remarked. 'I think you'd better get Beth out of that chair before she jumps and you have to bring the two of us to the meds.'  

With a growl Vader picked up Beth bodily with the Force and put her on the ground. She ran to Aisling.

 'Are you okay?' she asked. Aisling grinned and tried to sit up.

 'And in one piece.' She winced. 'Kinda.'

 'Oh good,' Beth said. Then she drew a deep breath. 'What the hell were you thinking off? What did you think would happen? Even I could see that would happen! You're lucky you weren't killed!' 

Aisling groaned and lay back again as her best friend gave her a right chewing-out. Vader retreated a few paces and called for a medic. Then retreated a few more before Beth remembered that it was he who had shown, then forbid, Aisling how to do that particular trick. 

 'And you!' Beth cried whirling on him. 

When the medics arrived they found one human female lying on the ground near two speeder bikes while another was ceaselessly yelling at the top of her lungs at the Sith Lord Darth Vader.

Being droids, they just did their job and got out. Being smart droids, they kept their vocabulators shut about it.

*~*  

Aisling watched half-interested as Beth and Vader argued. Beth stood toe-to-toe to the Sith who towered over her and roared various theories related to his species, heritage, birth-place, real reason for wearing the visor and suit, relationship with the Emperor, sexual preferences and other miscellaneous insult-worthy subjects. Vader, who rarely raised his voice, was belting out like-minded insults that stood at least on a par with Beths and had the added advantage of being in more galactic languages than the average droid translator could rhyme off.       

*And there was me wondering how Anakin Skywalker zipped into that suit* Aisling mused, raising an eyebrow as Vader drew an ominous breathe and, cranking the volume up a few notches, delved into his childhood in Tatooine and let Beth know exactly what grade of cussing he learned there. Even Beth seemed a bit blown away from that burst, but hopped right back into the fray as he took a breath. 

 'Excuse me ma'am,' a droid, a protocol droid Aisling saw, asked, having just entered the room. 'But what are they arguing about?'

 'If I knew that I'd know everything wouldn't I?' The droid paused for a second and Aisling just knew what it would say.

 'Excuse me, but you wouldn't,' it said on cue. 'You would learn no more than before except why they are fighting.'

 'Oh they're not fighting,' Aisling replied, ignoring the correction. 'They're discussing.' She paused, listening to a particularly vile stream from Beth. 'Things.'

The droid stayed silent, obviously deciding not to go there. 

There was a lull in the "discussion" as both combatants caught their breath, glaring at each other, though with Vader it was more of an educated guess that he was glaring. 

 'Alright,' Aisling stated, standing up. 'That's enough.'

 'What?' Beth hissed. 'You have nothing to do with this Aisling Theresa O' Connell! Get your bloody great nose back in your own business!'

 'Go jump in the main reactor,' Vader snarled at the same moment. Beth whirled back to him and drew a deep breath.

 'Don't you dare talk to my best friend like that!' she roared. 'What dammed right have you to talk like that to her! I have the right to say stuff like that to her! Nobody else!'

 'What right do you have to talk this way to me?!' Vader roared back. 

Aisling smirked and walked out of the room. With any luck they'd keep each other occupied for a while.

 'Er excuse me?' the protocol droid wavered, proving that even AA1 verbo-brains cant tell when to walk away. Half a second later it was nothing more than a pile of tattered wiring and dented metal as Vader pulled every part of the droid in every direction at once with the Force. That seemed to do the one thing that he himself, the Emperor and the Rebels couldn't do. It shut Beth up.

She stared at the remains of the protocol droid in silence for a moment, then looked back up at Vader.

 'Deadly!' she cried. 'That was so deadly! You gotta teach me that!'

 'Go away,' Vader growled, turning to leave the room. 

 'Aw come on,' Beth whined, following him. 'You cant do something like that and not tell me how its done!'

 'I manipulated the Force,' Vader hissed, turning right, heading towards the elevators. 'Took hold of every part of the droid with the Force and pulled every piece in a different direction at once. Using the Force.' Vader pushed the button for the elevator impatiently as Beth stood at his side like a puppy. 'Now leave me alone.'

 'No way, now you gotta teach me how to do it too,' Beth pointed out. 'You cant tell me how its done and not teach me.'

 'Oh the love of Force,' Vader growled, stalking to all the elevators and tapping each button in turn, Beth tagging at his heels. 'I'm not teaching you anything.'

 'But why?' Beth whined.

 'Because I don't want to.'

 'But why?'

 'Because you irritate me.'

 'But why?'

'Because you're you.'

 'But why?'

*Where's a Force-dammed elevator when you need one!* Vader thought.

 'Go and plague a trooper,' he told her.

 'No,' she replied, shaking her head. 'I wanna learn how to use the Force!' Vader growled in his throat and turned, standing in front of her. She stood expectantly, staring right up at him. He sighed as if resigned.

 'Alright,' he said. 'You really want to learn the ways of the Force?'

 'Yes.'

 'Really?'

 'Yes!'

 'Really?'

 'Yes damn you!'

 'Alright,' he whispered, leaning close. He raised his gloved hand and waved it in front of Beths' eyes. 'You will go plague a trooper.' As he expected, her eyes went slightly out of focus.

 'I will go plague a trooper,' Beth intoned. Behind the mask Vader grinned wickedly and waved his hand again.

 'You will seek out Prince Xizor.'

 'I will seek out Prince Xizor.' Vader didn't look round as an elevator finally opened behind him. He waved his hand for a third time.

 'You will leave me alone,' he told her, backing into the elevator, thanking the Force that it was empty.

 'I will.' Beth frowned, and blinked when she saw Vader disappearing behind the closing elevator doors. 'Hey!' she cried, and Vader heard a thud as she thumped the doors.

*Guess that last command was a bit much*

*~*

Beth glared at the closed doors, knowing before she tried that pushing the button to make it come back down again was a wasted effort. She couldn't believe that he tried using a mind-trick on her! Obviously it hadn't worked because she was not possessed of a weak mind! Somehow that facet of knowledge had gotten itself stuck in her memory, she wasn't sure how. 

She shrugged, dispelling the train of thought. She had a sudden urge to go trooper-plaguing and Xizor–taunting. 

*~*

Aisling looked up at a knock on the door. This in itself wasn't unusual, but she had been engrossed in the holoscreen in front of her and the interruption had better be worth it. 

She was in the Record Hall of the Imperial Palace, trying to glean as much information about the Clone Wars as she could. It wasn't easy, being a period of war many records were lost, classified, destroyed or were never made out. Also, being the period where Palpatine made a real bid for the Imperial throne, this meant that information on the Clone Wars were even scantier than on most other wars. She had run into so many dead-ends, so much red tape and the Classified logo had flashed on her screen so many times that she felt like picking up the whole lot and ramming it down someones throat. Instead she got up and opened the cubicle door.

 'Heard you were down here,' Thrawn said, walking in. 'Thought I'd give you a hand with whatever you were looking for.' Aisling couldn't suppress the wry grin.

 'Oh indeed, and help to steer me clear of issues that could prove hazardous to my health?' she smirked, going back to her seat in front of the screen. 'You needn't bother, someones already done a sound job of making sure that I never get any further than starting a search before a big neon sign flashes, telling me that I have three seconds to quit the program before the room is flooded with dioxygen.' Thrawn glanced around the small room, noting the amount of shredded papers, crumpled flimsiplasts and what seemed to be a crater in the desk from a small blunt instrument, which was swiftly identified as the pen that Aisling was idly fiddling with. 

 'So I see,' he said. 'What do you want to know about?'

 'Something that the computer won't recognize out of sheer spite,' Aisling growled, tapping in another command. 'The Clone Wars in other words.' She hissed at the screen when that all-too-familiar Classified logo appeared. 'I know,' she snarled, trying yet another tack. '**_HOW _**the blasted thing started and **_WHY_** the blasted thing started. Whore-bitch!' she yelled the red flag appeared again. 'All I want to know is what happened in the blasted thing!' 

 'How long have you been here?' Thrawn asked, watching her with well-hidden apprehension. 

 'Dunno, what day is it?' Aisling replied, grinning lopsidedly. 'About an hour or so.' The register had said close to three, but he held his peace.

 'You do know that its voice activated, right?' he said instead. Aisling nodded absently. 

 'Yeah but I'm more used to it this way,' she replied, stabbing viciously at the table with her pen as she tried to think of a new command.  

 'May I have a go?' Thrawn asked, when that attempt resulted in string of insults a mile long. When she nodded, he leaned over and typed two words. Less than a second later, the screen was full of data and links on all aspects of the Clone Wars.

There was a silent few moments.

 'What did you type in?' Aisling asked in a faraway voice. 

 'Clone Wars.' 

 'Oh.'

Ten Minutes later, Grand Admiral Thrawn slipped out of the room, leaving Aisling to absorb all the information she could.

Twenty minutes after that, Aisling sat back from the holoscreen with an evil little smile. Oh, she was going to have fun with this one.

Hehe! Any suggestions on what the info should be? Open ears, I have. 

This isn't very good I know but sometimes even this fabulous writer turns out crap. I swear it will get better, sometime. *snigger*

BTW, in the last chapter there was a list of nicknames for known Rebels, should I tell you who they meant or leave you in suspense? Tell me in the review and have fun guessing!

Thanks for your patience and support guys!! See you soon, in the next adventurous instalment of *dramatic voice* "Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!!"

Bye!


	20. Maybe worth a giggle or two

I'm not gonna bother with the disclaimer and author crap anymore. Its now 20 chapters long so if you haven't got the hint by now, you're kinda useless. *smirk*

Back to pre-chaos dedications at last! And heeeeeeeeeeere they are!

Sage the Psychic Slytherin: Thanx! Dunno if I can do that again, it'll have to be a pretty damn good trick! Any ideas?

Vegesa: SSJ Jedi Knight: Next? What is below this useless space-filling waste of text that is known as Authors Note. She will have much, much fun. As soon as I can decide what to make the information. *evil grin*

Drama_Princess87: Woohoo! Praise from a fellow lunatic is always welcome! Especially when she deems you to be her great mentor. Read her review if you don't believe me! I don't quite know myself I'm afraid. I think its still in his meditation ball unless its been smashed into the wall, always a distinct possibility even when the player isn't Force-sensitive.

Annoying Brat: *stares at screen in astonished amazement* Why the hell didn't I think of that?! Though I somehow doubt the Vader would allow any love letters between Ani and Padme to be circulated on the holonet or the Palace Information Network, (I don't know if that's its real name but it sounds pretty cool huh? ^_~) so I don't think that'll work. But the other one! *rubs hands together in glee* Thank you!! 

Amaris Sandstone: No doubt, yes I couldn't leave him out any longer, and most definitely! Dirt on Palpy? Most promising! Padme, I dunno I'd have to go complex and my brain hurts when I go complex! *grin* harassing Xizor is always major fun. I think I'll leave Thrawn alone for a while though with that. Great ideas and if you have any more, let me have 'em! I'll give them a good home.

Baru-chan: Yes I most definitely agree! J Yeah I'm biased, I know. Road to Padme turns complex I'm afraid. I've tried working it in but I usually have to give up cos it doesn't even make sense to me! Uh, emotional anguish? In this fic? Um, wont work. But If you like I'll write another fic for you with anguish galore, how's that? Tell me what you'd like in it and I'l do something up, k?

Neko Megami: Short, sweet and to the point. Thank you!

Lgirl: *grins widely* thankyouthankyouthankyou!! And definitely!

Dragonlet: You are exactly right on all counts. Thank you for guessing! And thanks.

BTW, ONE and one only (thanx again Dragonlet) of you guys mentioned the fact that in chap 18 I gave lotsa Rebels nicknames. Maybe you didn't spot them cos the chappie was unformatted, but since it is now formatted you have no choice in the matter, *a la Vader when talking to Luke on Endor in ROTJ* you MUST submit your guesses. *smirk* All right you don't have to, but please? 

ABTW In case you haven't guessed from above BTW I reuploaded chap 17 and 18 so they are formatted. *starts praying that they are* OK? Kewl.

And now, on with the show!

The small group of Imperial Army officers standing by the wall in the large training area stared at Aisling in a kind of shocked amazement. Since she had walked into the large courtyard some ten minutes before and started roaring laughing, she had insulted each one of them personally, grabbed control of the assorted troops training there and proceeded to do a better job of training them than all of the officers put together.  

 '_ABOOOOUT! TURN!!' _Aisling roared and as one, the three deep twenty long rank in front of her smartly turned about and marched in the other direction. 'Good, keep in time now.' *About bloody time they bloody got it* she thought grimly. '_HALT! _Fall out.' Aisling turned and walked smartly up the officers, who eyed her with ill-concealed distaste. 

 'Have you finished playing soldiers?' one sneered.

 'No, just wanted to know where the target butts are.' She looked at their faces. 'You have got target butts, don't you? A gun range? A bull's-eye painted on a large piece of canvas? That is held up in the air? While people shoot at it? Tell me that you train troopers how to shoot straight!'

 'Of course we do,' another snapped.

 'Then what do you have them aim at?'

 'Rebels.' Aisling stared at them, then walked away in disgust. Within half-an-hour she and the troopers had constructed five targets at one side of the training area and the troopers were lining up to take shots. After a few minutes Aisling told them to stop and showed them how to do it properly.

 'Alright listen up,' she shouted after another ten minutes. 'Since you are all showing a marked improvement and most of you are hitting the target at last,' there were a few sniggers and nudging as she said that, 'how about a competition? The person to hit the bulls-eye most times in a row wins the prize.'

 'And what's the prize?' one leered.

 'A night out,' she paused as they got the cat-calls and whatnot out of their systems, 'paid for by everybody here who didn't win. The officers and myself are exempt of course,' she added.  'So, are you up for it?' The way the troopers pushed and shoved to get into place in line showed that, yes they were up for it.

*~*

 'Let me get this straight,' Beth said. 'You walked into a training ground, told a group of officers that they're basically useless and then took the troopers and pretty much bullied them till they did what you said?' 

 'Yep.'

 'Have fun?'

 'Oh yeah. Felt like home, except that I'm usually the one getting bullied.' Beth made no reply to this, being preoccupied enough trying to sort out her hair.

 'You do realize that you're meddling in things that aught not to be meddled in, right?' Aisling rolled her eyes.

 'And they call me a fanatic,' she murmured. 'Alright, I'm just about overdue for a lecture. What am I meddling in that aught not to be meddled in?'

 'The Army. I thought that the main reason why the Rebels weren't annihilated and cold by now is because of the inept training of the troopers. You said as much to the Rebels, remember?'

 'I was there wasn't I?'

 'I'm pretty sure of it, though I'm not certain. But what I'm saying is, I thought you,' Beth paused, remembering that they and the apartment were under surveillance. 'Had decided not to interfere with anything here.'

 'Yeah, but then I walked into the training ground and saw "trained men" who didn't know their left foot from their right hand. I had to step in, they were disgracing every armed force in the galaxy.' Aisling scowled, she was beginning to get dammed sick of having to tip-toe around every sentence in case it gave them away. 'And besides,' she muttered in their peculiar mish-mash of languages. 'We've been interfering since Vader walked in the door of my uncles house.'

 'How?' Beth asked, curious despite herself.

 'Because Vader wasn't supposed to crash-land on Earth, he's supposed to have been found comatose in his wrecked TIE Advanced fighter, turned over to Han Solo, who in turn had to hand him over to a bounty hunter called Alfreda Goot to get Leia back who was being held captive by Goot. After which he gets revived and jumps back on the Rebels tails again.'

 'All that?' 

 'And more, I'm too annoyed to remember details.' 

 'Do I want to know what you're annoyed at now?'

 'How about everything and anything?'

 'Usual complaint then.'

 'Pretty much.' 

 'Who won the competition by the way?' Beth asked after a moment.

 'Hmm?' Aisling had been staring at the middle distance. 'Oh, a navy trooper called Colclazure on his way to somewhere else had a go. Got ten straight bulls-eyes. Most the rest of them got was three.'

 'So I'm guessing he's getting a good night tonight.'

 'I daresay.' Aisling looked to her friend who was humming to herself while brushing out her hair. 'Gonna see Eellan tonight?'

 'Yep. His leave is finished tomorrow at noon.'

 'And I'll just bet that you're gonna spend some time with him.'

 'How'd you guess?' Beth asked dryly, enroute to her room and the wardrobe. 

 'Are you gonna go back to his place or what?' Aisling asked, following her to the door. 'Cos I have plans tonight.'

 'Yeah, no bother. He's a sergeant so he only shares digs with three other people. I'm sure they wont mind getting booted out,' Beth replied airily.

 'Great, that's settled then.' Aisling went to the sitting-room and flopped down in front of the holo-vid. *Sometimes what a girl needs is junk food and a good movie* 

 'Bye,' Beth yelled half-an-hour later, while heading out the door. Aisling waved from the couch and turned her attention back to more important things, like deciding between a horror flick with one fine lead man and an action flick with two. After a while she gave up and headed out to the pub.

*~*

Beth waved to Eellan as he boarded the shuttle that would bring him back to his post on the _Avenger_.  He had been on leave for two weeks and now he had another tour of duty to perform. Beth was standing on the platform away from the large crowd of other well-wishers. 

She watched Eellan climb the ramp and disappeared inside.

 'Now what?' she muttered, suddenly bored. She cast a look around the platform in the hope of seeing something interesting.  There were shuttles bound for other destinations and ports being loaded up with their cargo. 

 *Wonder where that one's going?* she thought idly, watching an oversized shuttle being stocked up with food and medical supplies. She cast an eye at its hull, noting the brand-new paint job that didn't quite cover the carbon-scoring. At the back of the shuttle in the side facing her, a door stood open and inside was a dazzling array shining and blinking buttons.

 *Pretty buttons!*

Walking as if one asleep, she drifted over to the shuttle and walked in the invitingly open door. The mass of mechanics and droids for the most part didn't notice her. A power droid saw her enter and the door close and lock behind her, but it didn't take any notice. 

 'Okay Charlie!' a mechanic yelled, banging the side. 'Take her up!'

Inside, Beth noticed the thrum of the engines as they powered up but took no heed of it. She had buttons to push!

*~*

 'Alright, alright I'm up, I'm coming,' Aisling muttered as she shuffled across the apartment in answer to the loud knocks coming from the door. 'What!' she snapped as she pulled open the door. The knocker, a hapless officer, jumped a foot and shrank back. Aisling pulled her hair back out of her face and growled, 'Out with it man, I only just fell into bed and I want to get back there as soon as possible.' 

 'Package for Miss Bethany Walsh,' the officer said at last, the sight of Aisling just back from the pub wasn't too much of a pretty sight. (A/N this is true, I nearly gave myself a heart-attack one morning when I turned on a light and saw my reflection in the mirror. J )

 'She isn't here,' Aisling yawned. 'Try Sergeant Eellan Pietts place.'

 'But he's gone back on duty and the apartment is empty,' the officer explained quickly as Aisling started to close the door again.

 'What time?'

 'Now? It's ten-thirty.'

 'No, what time did he go back on duty?'

 'Eight this morning.' Aisling stared at him for a moment, chewing her lower lip and tapping her fingers on the door. 

 'I'm sure she'll be back soon,' she said at last, rubbing at her eyes. 'I'll take it and give it to her when she gets in.'

 'I have instructions to give it into her hand,' the officer said as Aisling reached out for the package. 'Sorry, orders.'

 'Aw man,' Aisling half-whined half-growled. 'That means I gotta go look for her. Blast.' She yawned hugely. She blinked sleepily at him. 'What time is it again?'

 'Ten-thirty.'

 'Aw no, I only fell asleep ten minutes ago. Dammetophyte,' she grumbled. (I know that this one is mine cos I came up with it in Biology class whilst studying sporophytes and my pencil case fell onto a tile floor. While the whole class was silent. And I was in the very back row so EVERYONE turned around. And dammetophyte was what I used to express my feelings of embarrassment and mortification. So you see? It's my word! But you can use it if you like.)

 'I'm sure that when she returns you can send her down to pick it up.'

 'I would, but Beth gets picky about things like this. Last time I didn't go look when she got a package I heard about it for a week.' She rolled her eyes at the officer who grinned back. 'Alright,' she said at last, pushing her tiredness aside. 'Where can I find you when I find her?'

 'I can come with you,' the officer offered. 'I have no business today.'

 'Good,' Aisling said, holding open the door for him. 'You can hold the i.v. bag of caffeine.'

*~*

Aisling walked into Vaders quarters in the Palace The officer, who introduced himself as Roberts, was hesitant to pass the threshold until Aisling went back caught him by the arm and dragged him in. 

 'Where's Beth?' she asked.

 'Don't you ever knock?' Vader said. He was in the middle of preparing to set off in the Avenger again. Aisling shrugged.

 'Why bother? You can sense me coming anyway.' Vader couldn't remember if he told her that, he was sure he didn't. 'Where's Beth?'

 'I thought you guys were meant to be inseparable.' Vaders mask turned to Roberts, who stopped his surreptitious snooping sharpish. 

 'She went to see Eellan Piett last night, haven't seen her since.' 

 'Who?'

 'Her on-again-of-again boyfriend? A sergeant on the _Avenger_?'

 'Oh, him.' 

 'Have you seen her since?'

 'Who?'

 'Beth!'

 'Nope.'

 'Do you know where she is?'

 'Nope.'

 'Do you care?'

 'Nope.' Aisling rolled her eyes and _humph_ed.

 'Great help you are,' she growled. 

 'Usually,' Vader replied lightly. Roberts, only just transferred from the Outer Rim, hadn't come up against either Aisling or Beth before, which was the reason for his bafflement at why Aisling wasn't a pale blue at this stage. 'Look,' Vader said, closing his case. 'I'll have troopers keep an eye out for her if you prefer, but it's probably pointless. Beth's harder to get rid of than a Jawa clan.'

 'Yeah well,' Aisling said heading for the door. 'Search _Avenger _before you leave. She might be looking for more "pretty buttons." ' 

 'It's a big ship and we'll be behind on schedule,' Vader told her.

 'Nah,' Aisling disagreed, pausing in the doorway, Roberts already in the hallway. 'Just say something like "Hello George Weasley, so good to have you here," and she'll come running from the other end of the ship before the words have left your mouth.'

Vaders reply was lost as the door closed.

 'Where to now?' Roberts asked as they walked down the hallway.

 'Anywhere that sells big thick strong hot mugs of tea with the consistency of tar.'

 'Why?'

 'Cos right now I'd happily commit murder for a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar.'

  'Er, why?' 

 'Cos I'm knackered, freezing and still half pissed and the only remedy is a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar.' They left the Palace and soon arrived at the Lazy Eye.

 'I got it,' Roberts said as Aisling went to the counter. 'Let me guess, a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar?'

 'You read my mind,' Aisling smirked and went to get them a table. 

Only short and none too funny or good AT ALL I know but there are times when I have more things to be doing than sitting in front of a computer you know! 

Thrawn: Like when?

Epiphany: … *sound of crickets*

Thrawn: Oookay, I'm gonna stand over here now. Out of range.

Epiphany: Do that. *smirks, turns back to computer*  Also had two twenty-firsts and a house-warming party in the last four days so be thankful that I can even SEE the keyboard never mind type anything on it.  Should have more up in a few days or when I have something written, *smirk* whichever comes first.

Ciao!

Epiphany: *moving away from computer* Thrawn, put the kettle on!


	21. What do these buttons do?

Important note!! Last chapter I said that Beth goes into a shuttle. For reasons of plot I've had to change this to a medium to large freighter okay? So no reviews saying, "wasn't she supposed to be in a shuttle?"

Thanks to all of you guys!! Dedications!!

SummerRose_(Nory:  *strange look* yes, pretty buttons. *To Thrawn* Dear Gods man it's catching!

Drama_Princess87: yeah, I think she'll enjoy where she's going, but I'm not that sure. *grin* yes it would be a good idea to not read this at home anymore…mind you, my family all think I'm nuts cos of the way I tend to burst out laughing when I'm writing this, so heh. *snigger* Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!! Hope its up soon. *snigger* Fun!!!

Annoying brat: Really? *dazzling smile and bow*  Honoured, I am! Ooh more ideas! Hehehe! Thanks! As for the phobia, don't be ashamed, you've admitted it, that's the first step! *wonders when to drop the shrink act* I'm glad this helps. Okay, helpful phase over! *grin* Really? I love him, as if you can't guess!

 Andy: You'll see soon enough!

Sage the Psychic Slytherin: Yeah, gotta hang on to a good thing you know? *snigger* But Obi-Wan (Epi 1 _and_ 2) Anakin (Epi 2) and Captain Typho joined the party. They're arguing with Han and Lando over something or other. *grin* 

 Neila Nururodo the Chiss: *bows* Thank you! Um, sure why not? I've nothing better for doing than bring loads of people humour. *grin* Lets see…. Yes, nope, yes, *wonders should she tell* o what the hell Wedge, (wood block, wedge geddit?)  yes, nope, Luke, first one. So four. Well done!

baru-chan: No probs, I enjoyed it. No its not, I joined the reserves cos I wanted to. And they actually let me in. It's a damn good this country's neutral, huh? *snigger* yeah she is, I'll leave that for a bit, it'll be funnier then. It will make sense! I will make it make sense! *looks around clears throat* Yeah, okay, everybody stop staring now! Sure, if you feel that strongly. He finds out from a rebel prisoner? When?! I need to know these things! And since when did this fic follow any kind of parallel line with what really happens in the SW universe? Okay um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Deadly, you got them all right!

Pitbull girl & Panther Cub: Well of course she did! Have you ever actually LOOKED at how those guys march? *shudder* They DO disgrace every armed force in the galaxy! I'm going to leave that particular subject now before I scare everyone. *grin* yeah me too, but not too quickly. 

Thanks for all the reviews guys and I hope that you enjoy this *rolls eyes and talks like she's reading from a script* epic and grand instalment of "Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord"!! *Walks away* Who writes this crap? *Thrawn* You do. *Epiphany* *fume* That was hypothetical!!

Anyway, enjoy! And review, please?!

The small group of Imperial Army officers standing by the wall in the large training area stared at Aisling in a kind of shocked amazement. Since she had walked into the large courtyard some ten minutes before and started roaring laughing, she had insulted each one of them personally, grabbed control of the assorted troops training there and proceeded to do a better job of training them than all of the officers put together.  

 '_ABOOOOUT! TURN!!' _Aisling roared and as one, the three deep twenty long rank in front of her smartly turned about and marched in the other direction. 'Good, keep in time now.' *About bloody time they bloody got it* she thought grimly. '_HALT! _Fall out.' Aisling turned and walked smartly up the officers, who eyed her with ill-concealed distaste. 

 'Have you finished playing soldiers?' one sneered.

 'No, just wanted to know where the target butts are.' She looked at their faces. 'You have got target butts, don't you? A gun range? A bullseye painted on a large piece of canvas? That is held up in the air? While people shoot at it? Tell me that you train troopers how to shoot straight!'

 'Of course we do,' another snapped.

 'Then what do you have them aim at?'

 'Rebels.' Aisling stared at them, then walked away in disgust. Within half-an-hour she and the troopers had constructed five targets at one side of the training area and the troopers were lining up to take shots. After a few minutes Aisling told them to stop and showed them how to do it properly.

 'Alright listen up,' she shouted after another ten minutes. 'Since you are all showing a marked improvement and most of you are hitting the target at last,' there were a few sniggers and nudging as she said that, 'how about a competition? The person to hit the bulls-eye most times in a row wins the prize.'

 'And what's the prize?' one leered.

 'A night out,' she paused as they got the cat-calls and whatnot out of their systems, 'paid for by everybody here who didn't win. The officers and myself are exempt of course,' she added.  'So, are you up for it?' The way the troopers pushed and shoved to get into place in line showed that, yes they were up for it.

*~*

 'Let me get this straight,' Beth said. 'You walked into a training ground, told a group of officers that they're basically useless and then took the troopers and pretty much bullied them till they did what you said?' 

 'Yep.'

 'Have fun?'

 'Oh yeah. Felt like home, except that I'm usually the one getting bullied.' Beth made no reply to this, being preoccupied enough trying to sort out her hair.

 'You do realize that you're meddling in things that aught not to be meddled in, right?' Aisling rolled her eyes.

 'And they call me a fanatic,' she murmured. 'Alright, I'm just about overdue for a lecture. What am I meddling in that aught not to be meddled in?'

 'The Army. I thought that the main reason why the Rebels weren't annihilated and cold by now is because of the inept training of the troopers. You said as much to the Rebels, remember?'

 'I was there wasn't I?'

 'I'm pretty sure of it, though I'm not certain. But what I'm saying is, I thought you,' Beth paused, remembering that they and the apartment were under surveillance. 'Had decided not to interfere with anything here.'

 'Yeah, but then I walked into the training ground and saw "trained men" who didn't know their left foot from their right hand. I had to step in, they were disgracing every armed force in the galaxy.' Aisling scowled, she was beginning to get dammed sick of having to tip-toe around every sentence in case it gave them away. 'And besides,' she muttered in their peculiar mish-mash of languages. 'We've been interfering since Vader walked in the door of my uncles house.'

 'How?' Beth asked, curious despite herself.

 'Because Vader wasn't supposed to crash-land on Earth, he's supposed to have been found comatose in his wrecked TIE Advanced fighter, turned over to Han Solo, who in turn had to hand him over to a bounty hunter called Alfreda Goot to get Leia back who was being held captive by Goot. After which he gets revived and jumps back on the Rebels tails again.'

 'All that?' 

 'And more, I'm too annoyed to remember details.' 

 'Do I want to know what you're annoyed at now?'

 'How about everything and anything?'

 'Usual complaint then.'

 'Pretty much.' 

 'Who won the competition by the way?' Beth asked after a moment.

 'Hmm?' Aisling had been staring at the middle distance. 'Oh, a navy trooper called Colclazure on his way to somewhere else had a go. Got ten straight bulls-eyes. Most the rest of them got was three.'

 'So I'm guessing he's getting a good night tonight.'

 'I daresay.' Aisling looked to her friend who was humming to herself while brushing out her hair. 'Gonna see Eellan tonight?'

 'Yep. His leave is finished tomorrow at noon.'

 'And I'll just bet that you're gonna spend some time with him.'

 'How'd you guess?' Beth asked dryly, enroute to her room and the wardrobe. 

 'Are you gonna go back to his place or what?' Aisling asked, following her to the door. 'Cos I have plans tonight.'

 'Yeah, no bother. He's a sergeant so he only shares digs with three other people. I'm sure they wont mind getting booted out,' Beth replied airily.

 'Great, that's settled then.' Aisling went to the sitting-room and flopped down in front of the holo-vid. *Sometimes what a girl needs is junk food and a good movie* 

 'Bye,' Beth yelled half-an-hour later, while heading out the door. Aisling waved from the couch and turned her attention back to more important things, like deciding between a horror flick with one fine lead man and an action flick with two. After a while she gave up and headed out to the pub.

*~*

Beth waved to Eellan as he boarded the shuttle that would bring him back to his post on the _Avenger_.  He had been on leave for two weeks and now he had another tour of duty to perform. Beth was standing on the platform away from the large crowd of other well-wishers. 

She watched Eellan climb the ramp and disappeared inside.

 'Now what?' she muttered, suddenly bored. She cast a look around the platform in the hope of seeing something interesting.  There were shuttles bound for other destinations and ports being loaded up with their cargo. 

 *Wonder where that one's going?* she thought idly, watching an oversized shuttle being stocked up with food and medical supplies. She cast an eye at its hull, noting the brand-new paint job that didn't quite cover the carbon-scoring. At the back of the shuttle in the side facing her, a door stood open and inside was a dazzling array shining and blinking buttons.

 *Pretty buttons!*

Walking as if one asleep, she drifted over to the shuttle and walked in the invitingly open door. The mass of mechanics and droids for the most part didn't notice her. A power droid saw her enter and the door close and lock behind her, but it didn't take any notice. 

 'Okay Charlie!' a mechanic yelled, banging the side. 'Take her up!'

Inside, Beth noticed the thrum of the engines as they powered up but took no heed of it. She had buttons to push!

*~*

 'Alright, alright I'm up, I'm coming,' Aisling muttered as she shuffled across the apartment in answer to the loud knocks coming from the door. 'What!' she snapped as she pulled open the door. The knocker, a hapless officer, jumped a foot and shrank back. Aisling pulled her hair back out of her face and growled, 'Out with it man, I only just fell into bed and I want to get back there as soon as possible.' 

 'Package for Miss Bethany Walsh,' the officer said at last, the sight of Aisling just back from the pub wasn't too much of a pretty sight.

 'She isn't here,' Aisling yawned. 'Try Sergeant Eellan Pietts place.'

 'But he's gone back on duty and the apartment is empty,' the officer explained quickly as Aisling started to close the door again.

 'What time?'

 'Now? It's ten-thirty.'

 'No, what time did he go back on duty?'

 'Eight this morning.' Aisling stared at him for a moment, chewing her lower lip and tapping her fingers on the door. 

 'I'm sure she'll be back soon,' she said at last, rubbing at her eyes. 'I'll take it and give it to her when she gets in.'

 'I have instructions to give it into her hand,' the officer said as Aisling reached out for the package. 'Sorry, orders.'

 'Aw man,' Aisling half-whined half-growled. 'That means I gotta go look for her. Blast.' She yawned hugely. She blinked sleepily at him. 'What time is it again?'

 'Ten-thirty.'

 'Aw no, I only fell asleep ten minutes ago. Dammetophyte,' she grumbled.

 'I'm sure that when she returns you can send her down to pick it up.'

 'I would, but Beth gets picky about things like this. Last time I didn't go look when she got a package I heard about it for a week.' She rolled her eyes at the officer who grinned back. 'Alright,' she said at last, pushing her tiredness aside. 'Where can I find you when I find her?'

 'I can come with you,' the officer offered. 'I have no business today.'

 'Good,' Aisling said, holding open the door for him. 'You can hold the i.v. bag of caffeine.'

*~*

Aisling walked into Vaders quarters in the Palace. The officer, who introduced himself as Roberts, was hesitant to pass the threshold until Aisling went back caught him by the arm and dragged him in. 

 'Where's Beth?' she asked.

 'Don't you ever knock?' Vader said. He was in the middle of preparing to set off in the Avenger again. Aisling shrugged.

 'Why bother? You can sense me coming anyway.' Vader couldn't remember if he told her that, he was sure he didn't. 'Where's Beth?'

 'I thought you guys were meant to be inseparable.' Vaders mask turned to Roberts, who stopped his surreptitious snooping sharpish. 

 'She went to see Eellan Piett last night, haven't seen her since.' 

 'Who?'

 'Her on-again-of-again boyfriend? A sergeant on the _Avenger_?'

 'Oh, him.' 

 'Have you seen her since?'

 'Who?'

 'Beth!'

 'Nope.'

 'Do you know where she is?'

 'Nope.'

 'Do you care?'

 'Nope.' Aisling rolled her eyes and _humph_ed.

 'Great help you are,' she growled. 

 'Usually,' Vader replied lightly. Roberts, only just transferred from the Outer Rim, hadn't come up against either Aisling or Beth before, which was the reason for his bafflement at why Aisling wasn't a pale blue at this stage. 'Look,' Vader said, closing his case. 'I'll have troopers keep an eye out for her if you prefer, but it's probably pointless. Beth's harder to get rid of than a Jawa clan.'

 'Yeah well,' Aisling said heading for the door. 'Search _Avenger _before you leave. She might be looking for more "pretty buttons." ' 

 'It's a big ship and we'll be behind on schedule,' Vader told her.

 'Nah,' Aisling disagreed, pausing in the doorway, Roberts already in the hallway. 'Just say something like "Hello George Weasley, so good to have you here," and she'll come running from the other end of the ship before the words have left your mouth.'

Vaders reply was lost as the door closed.

 'Where to now?' Roberts asked as they walked down the hallway.

 'Anywhere that sells big thick strong hot mugs of tea with the consistency of tar.'

 'Why?'

 'Cos right now I'd happily commit murder for a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar.'

  'Er, why?' 

 'Cos I'm knackered, freezing and still half pissed and the only remedy is a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar.' They left the Palace and soon arrived at the Lazy Eye.

 'I got it,' Roberts said as Aisling went to the counter. 'Let me guess, a big thick strong hot mug of tea with the consistency of tar?'

 'You read my mind,' Aisling smirked and went to get them a table. 

21

Beth glanced around her surroundings for the twentieth time in a quarter as many minutes. Nothing new appeared and nothing fascinating materialized. Except all the blinking and flashing buttons, but as far as she could see, her pushing them had no effect and pushing buttons for the sake of pushing them lost its appeal after a while. There were access panels galore and the wall of buttons was taller then her and took up a whole side of the narrow compartment, beyond that there was nothing. 

Both commen sense and previous arguments with Aisling told her that at least there were other organics on board, a droid only ship would have no such niceties as air, gravity and heat. So she only had to wait until someone came back to check on something and then she'd be out of there. 

Unfortunatly, she'd never been very good with patience.

It's a good thing then, that the thought that her frantic pressing of buttons earlier in the flight might have caused sufficient damage to the ship to kill off her fellow passangers hadn't occurred to her.

*~*

 'What in the bloody hell is going on with this dammed ship?!' the captain yelled in frustrated panic. He cursed violently as a vent above his head released an almost solid blast of freezing air in response to Beths idle push of the appropriate button back in the compartment.

 'Systems all read as normal sir,' the second-in-command exclaimed, eying the status board with ill-concealed suspicion. 'According to the ship, everything is normal.' The commander didn't have to hear the captains response to that, he was already making his own.   

Since they'd left Imperial City, the ships systems had gone haywire. Lights turned on and off randomly, a whole section of passageway was in pitch-darkness where crew and personnel bumped into each other continually as even the emergency lighting refused to co-operate there. Doors opened and shut by themselves, ignored commands and resisted manual use completely, causing much embarrassment to some personnel as many of the doors thus afflicted were 'fresher doors. Air conditioning was running amok turning some areas frigidly cold and others sweltering hot. The differences in temperature were causing gales to sweep through the ship and this, combined with the malfunctioning water sprinklers, caused one crewman to refer to one particular passageway as Kamino. 

 'This kind of malfunctions can only be done manually,' the captain stated, after receiving a report about how three MSE droids had chased a crewman from one end of the ship to the other in order to clean grease marks off his face and hands. 'Get back into the blasted service hatch and find out who and what is causing this!'

 'Yes sir,' the commander said, motioning to another crewman as he left the bridge.  

*~*

Beth looked up as she heard footsteps approach. *Troopers?* she thought happily. She saw two men, one in an officers uniform the other in the uniform of a crewman enter her compartment and examine the wall of buttons. The crewman whistled in surprise.

 'Somebody's gone and buggered up half of these buttons and switches sir,' he said, noticing the altered colours of most of the lights at once.

 'Well can you unbugger them?' the officer asked, scratching his head under his cap and looking at the completely altered view.

 'Of course sir, its just a matter of pushing them all again, unless someone's actually pulled wires it can be all done in few minutes.'

 'Can I do that?' Beth asked, coming out of the shadows. Both crewman and officer spun around and pointed blasters at her. The officer's jaw sagged.

 'You? How the hell did you get in here?' he exclaimed. He had a few run-ins  with her and Aisling before and was well aware of what she was like. Beth gestured to the wall.

 'I saw the buttons,' she offered as explanation. 'So can I?'

 'Can you what?'

 'Push all the buttons again?'

 'Again?' the crewman repeated, he being not been exposed to either girl before. 'You mean you were the one who did all this?'

 'Of course, why?' Beth asked. 'Did they do anything?' Both men treated her to a filthy look as they put their blasters away. 'Please can I?'

 'Can you what?' the officer snapped. 

 'Push all the buttons again! Pay attention, you might learn something.'

 'No,' the crewman replied, before the officer could. He wasn't about to let this, this, this lunatic at anymore of the controls of the ship.

 'Oh,' Beth said, looking crestfallen. 'Please?'

 'No!' both men yelled.

 'Alright, alright, there's no need to shout!' Beth yelled back. The officer gave up and motioned Beth to go ahead of him.

 'I'll take her to the captain,' he told the crewman. 'Try and get everything fixed as soon as possible.'

 'Yes sir,' the crewman replied, turning to the wall. 'Like I said, it won't take too long, unless she's gone and pulled something out,' he muttered to himself. 

 'Oh!' Beth cried, remembering something. She went back to the crewman and tapped him on the shoulder. 'You might want these back,' she said shoving a large bundle of wires into his hands and scampering off before he could recover.

*~*

 'So Beth came here to see Eellan off,' Aisling mused. Her and Lieutenant Roberts were standing near where the shuttle for the _Avenger_ had taken off earlier that morning. 'What time was that again?'

 'Eight o' clock,' Roberts informed her. Aisling frowned. 

 'Are you sure? Beth said Eellan's leave finished at noon.' Roberts shrugged.

 'He wants his own command as soon as possible.' Aisling rolled her eyes.

 'So he makes a good impression at every turn,' she muttered. 'Mad. Anyway, that shuttle left at eight, then what?'

 'Then,' Roberts said, keying into his datapad. 'Nothing.'

 'How do you mean nothing?'

 'I mean nothing, as in zip zilch zero squat.' He handed her the datapad. 'See?' They had tracked Beth this far using tapes form the many security cameras and droids that populated the Palace and surrounding areas. Roberts had his datapad keyed into the network so they had been able to do this quickly.

 'So there were no cameras droids or people around at this point in time?' Aisling asked after a moment. Roberts looked around at the bustling hive of activity that was the spaceport and shrugged.

 'I guess they all had dealings with Beth before and decided to keep their heads down.'

 'Most likely.' Aisling frowned at the scene in front of her. There was nothing remotely suspicious about anything here not even the fact that Beth had gone off without telling anyone, she did that regularly at home and always turned up fine. 

 *But this isn't home* she reminded herself. And besides, she had this nagging sensation at the edge of her mind that this wasn't one of those times when Beth would show up after three days and two nights and saunter through like nothing happened. A nail tapped the datapad screen in impatience.

 'You can't tell me that no-one saw anything,' she said at last. 'That's not possible, not with the amount of people around.' Roberts shrugged. 'Give me a list of all shuttles and ships leaving this port at the time,' Aisling said, handing the pad back to him. 

 'I can't tell you that,' Roberts replied. 'You're a civilian.' Aisling levelled her green eyes at him in a calm stare. 'Only Army and Navy personnel can know about ship statistics.' Aisling didn't say anything; do anything, stayed staring at him with a slight smile playing around her lips. 'You're neither, you're not authorized to know any of it.' The level gaze stayed on him. He fidgeted under it, trying to avoid her unblinking eyes. 'I'll get into serious trouble,' he whined. Still, she stared at him with that maddening smile. 'I'm doing this under protest,' he grumbled at last.

 'Protest noted,' Aisling murmured then looked away, to the lieutenant's relief. 

 'Okay,' he said after a while. 'Ships that left here at eight this morning, the shuttle to the _Avenger_, a cargo ship to Yavin 4, three patrol ships, two droid ships to Mon Calamari and a private shuttle to the other side of Imperial City.'

 'Any cameras on them before and during take-off?' There were several. They watched them in silence. Aisling shook her head as the last one ended.

 'Not in any of them,' she stated. She paused a moment, thinking. 'What about the shuttle to the _Avenger_? There would have been a few people to say goodbye, right? Including Beth. Are there any vids on them?' Roberts was already punching in the command and the reply soon came up. 

 'Stop!' Aisling said, about halfway through the first clip. The sequence froze accordingly. 'There she is,' she told him, pointing out Beths figure in the display. Play it and keep an eye on her.' The clip went on again and they watched as Beth waved goodbye to Piett then looked around as though bored. They saw her head go back as if she had seen something interesting, then she moved out of view of the camera. They looked through the other tapes, but it seemed like Beth's path had put her into a blind spot in the sensors. 

Aisling chewed on her lower lip. 'She was standing where?' she muttered to herself, then took what seemed to be the appropriate position. 'And she looked over there.' Roberts looked to where her outstretched hand pointed. 

 'That's another landing pad,' he said helpfully.

 'So which shuttle left there at eight?'

 'Er,' he checked the datapad. 'None of them,' he said after a moment.

 'Eh? How's that?' Roberts looked at the landing pad, it was the right spot and he had looked for the right number, but the computer said that nothing left there at the time given.

 'I don't,' he said then paused. 'We got the wrong time,' he muttered. 'The shuttle left for the _Avenger_ at eight, but the men would have boarded closer to quarter to eight. Knowing Piett, he wouldn't have gone on later than half-seven.'

 'So change the time request,' Aisling told him needlessly. He gave her a look as he did so.

 'We have one freighter that left at twenty-five past seven,' he said at last. 'It left from that landing pad and its destination was,' Roberts voice trailed off and he groaned.

 'What? Where is it going?'

 'Carida.'       

*~*

 'Have you lost all brain functions? I'm not bringing her to Carida,' the captain of the freighter hissed to his second-in-command. 'Force knows what she'll get up to and what they'll do to us when they realize that we brought her there. The spice mines of Kessel will be a picnic!' 

 'What will we do with her then? Drop her off at Arkania?'

 'No, that'll put us behind schedule and these goods are already two weeks late. We'll throw her out of the air-lock,' the captain decided at last. The commander glanced into the room where Beth was currently being held and right now was driving her guard nuts. He'd throw her out himself and do it with a smile, but for one or two worries.

 'What of Lord Vader?' he asked the captain.

 'What of him?' 

 'Lord Vader is said to be fond of this girl and her friend,' the commander explained. 'If he should trace her here he would be, displeased.' The captain winced, he hadn't thought of that.  'And that friend of hers is never far behind,' the commander went on. 'She is said to be just as vicious when she wants to be.' The captain paled further.

 'Alright,' he sighed after a moment. 'We'll take her to Carida.' *Force help us we're taking her to Carida!* 

In case you don't know, Carida is the planet-wide academy for training troopers. *rubs hands together and smiles slowly*

Fun will be had!


	22. Officers, who needs em? smirk

*looks at stats page and giggles* You love this! You really love this! Yeah, I know I've been told about how good this is nearly every review, but its only just starting to sink in. *grin* Hehehehehehe!!! *clears throat* Anyway!

Thanks so much to all you guys for the reviews. I really, really appreciate it. 

Okay, this chapter is mostly pointless, but hey show me ONE chapter out of this story that ISNT mostly pointless. *grin*

Aisling shows a few officers who's in charge and Beth decides to go treasure hunting. How's that?

Now, dedications!

Andy: Yeah, I thought so. Dunno, I don't think its on the Imperial Health Plan somehow. There was originally a plot like ten chapters ago but that was mainly a plot that dealt with how to end the thing. Needless to say, it's been postponed for a while…

SummerRose (prev Nory; I know! That's why she's going there.

(blank); *giggle* Thank you! *to anonymous person* See? Someone appreciates my talent. *anonymous person wisely stays silent* Yeah, I probably will get that angle in, just not right now, k?

Dragonlet; I know the feeling. *evil smirk*

Silverwolfprincess; Thank you! *evil laugh* I cant either!

Baru-chan; *looks at review with raised eyebrow, shrugs and starts typing* Hmmm! Plot bunny! Thanx for it!!! I didn't, I named Luke 'Lefty' cos he looses his right hand and I named Wedge 'Wood block' cos of his name, wedge, wood block, geddit? Cheers for the name, I'll have to keep a look out for it and read that fic, thanks for the heads-up on it. Yes, do your h-work, I'd hate to think that I'd stand in the way of your education! J thank you.

A reader: thank you, thank you, no probs was going to anyway. Begging is not necessary, but if you WANT to…*smirk* 

Annoying brat: Have you SEEN Epi 5?! He takes evil to whole new levels AND makes he it look good. How can you fail to appreciate that? You have just paid me the single greatest compliment that is possible on this or any other world. *mutters to self* Ever tighter my web weaves around the people of this world, by the time they discover my plot it will be too late!! *breaks into evil laugh* *random stormtrooper* You do know that its still on, right? *Epiphany* -_- Ignore that! *waves hand*  You don't want to sell me Death Sticks. *snigger* Oooh, the Almighty Poking! Yes I am familiar with its power. *glares at a friend* Quite familiar indeed.

Jay-Cee; yes, it will. *grin*

Amaris Sandstone; I'm familiar with the feeling, what do you think MY heads been feeling like since I hit on the idea?! *grin* 

Sage the Psychic Slytherin; LOL. Not yet he don't, but he's getting there. *snigger*

Godfather Richsono; *bows* Thank you. Yeah I have, theres a lot of interesting stuff there. 

That it? Yay, my fingers are getting bruised. (All who found filth in that, well done you are learning. Everyone who didn't, you must practise or your mind will never reside in a gutter!) *grin snigger*

And now, to the story!!!

Roberts leaned against the wall and watched with detached interest as Aisling and a general stood toe-toe, roaring insults at each other. She had walked into a training area and asked a general if she could borrow a squad or two of troopers. The general, in true Imperial fashion, had looked down his nose at her, then sneered and turned his back on her, making some comment about females not knowing their place anymore to a corporal as he did so. It went downhill rather quickly from there.

 Finally Aisling spun and stalked from the training area, realizing that she wasn't going to win this round. Roberts followed her, near-running to keep up with her furious strides.

 'What now?' he asked. Aisling growled at him and stopped in front of a lift, stabbing at the controller button repeatedly. Immediately the doors opened and Aisling went in, closing the doors so quickly that Roberts barely made it in. He glanced at her, noting the frown, compressed lips and nails scratching the air and decided to keep silent. 

Soon the lift reached the right floor and the doors opened. Aisling swept out and turned right down the wide corridor, Roberts managing to look dignified as he hurried in her wake. She stopped suddenly, fixing Roberts with a glare when he walked into her, and pressed the button to open the door in front of her.

 'Isn't that?' Roberts asked nervously.

 'You don't have to come in,' was the snapped reply. She pressed the button again and Roberts winced at the way she held it down, clearly intending to do so until she was successful. 'He must be gone already,' she mused after a while, finally letting up on the button. With a disgusted growl, she turned away and strode back down the corridor the way they came.

*~*

The captain of the _Avenger_ walked up the Vader and waited. 

 'What is it captain?' 

 'A message my lord,' the officer stated. 'From Imperial City. An individual named,' the captain checked his datapad. 'Aisling O' Connell.' The captain kept his tone carefully neutral when he said her name; he could vividly remember what she and the other one had done to the ship.

 'Aisling?' Vader repeated, turning towards the captain. 'What does she want?'

 'She merely said that she had to speak with you my lord.' Vader was silent for a while. 'Should I tell her that you are unreachable?' the officer asked, implying without words tone or inflection that he would dearly love to tell her to bugger off.

 'No,' Vader said at last. 'I'll deal with her.' 

 'Yes my lord,' the captain said, ducking his head. 

*~*

Aisling glared icily at the unfortunate trooper who had done nothing more than get assigned to communications duty that week. Roberts stood back, well out of the holo-transmitters field of view, but close enough to see and hear everything that happened.

Presently, a signal came back for the _Avenger_ and the figure of Vader appeared on the holo-pad. Aisling, conscious of the watching trooper, bowed deeply. After a brief pause -she could just see Vaders eyebrows lifting- Vader cleared his throat and asked what this was about.

 'My lord Vader,' Aisling began, then had to hold in laughter when she imagined his expression as his helmet tilted in puzzlement. 'I offer my sincere apologies for disturbing you and give my humble thanks for the humour you bestow upon me in graciously accepting…'

 'Aisling,' Vader cut in warily. 'Have you been taking your meds?'

 'My lord?' she asked innocently, brow wrinkling as if perplexed.

 'Never mind. What do you want?' She bowed again, clearly preparing for another speech. 'Without all the trimming,' he added hurriedly.

 'Well alright then, just trying to enter the mood,' Aisling replied, straightening and dropping the sycophant act with a shrug. 'I need your permission to borrow a coupla squads o' troopers,' she told him bluntly.

Nothing moved, not a twitch of the black armour, not a catch in the ventilator-assisted breath gave away Vaders thoughts on this. But that ever-so-slightly strangled edge slid effortlessly into place when he asked;

 'Why?'

 'Cos Beths managed to hop aboard a freighter that just so happens to be heading for Carida.'

 'Carida.' There was a pause. 'And what are the coupla squads o' troopers for?'

 'For wrestling her back into the ship and keep her there long enough to get off-planet and into hyperspace.'

 'Ah.'

 'Yep.'

 'And you need my permission, because?' He knew damn-well why, but he wanted to find out how Aisling knew. She tossed her head as if it were irrelevant.

 'Courtesy, and because its easier,' she said airily.

 'And because no-one would hand them over,' Vader filled in; he was by this time familiar with her methods. She shrugged.

 'Bull-headed, your officers are,' she remarked offhand. Vader ignored the strange and familiar speech pattern and _tsked_.

 'What is the army coming to,' he said, shaking his head. 'When a civilian like you cant order an officer to turn over a few dozen troopers to him or her. Disgraceful.'

 'Quite.'

 'Major?'

 'General, the Major wasn't available.' *After all* Aisling thought sourly. *Officers don't get where they are by taking risks, do they?*

 'What did you say?' Vader asked in a weird kind of horrified fascination.

 'Many things,' she replied and sniffed. 'I didn't take too much notice of what he said; I was too busy thinking up things to say back. She paused a moment. 'Being incapable of leading troops seemed to feature heavily and most of it related to the fact that I'm female.' She finished the sentence with a half smile. Vader decided that he didn't want to know what she did or was going to do.

 'And the fact that you might be incapable of leading troops wouldn't have occurred to you?' he said instead. Aisling blinked at him then returned to reality.

 'Oh, I've led troops before,' she replied, ignoring the added fact that they had in fact been excursions on the parade ground. 'But I wont be the one doing it.' She nodded over to Roberts, who Vader couldn't see. 'Lieutenant Roberts is gonna do that.'

 'And what about a ship?' Vader asked after a moment. 'And supplies?'

 'Oh, I forgot completely about all that,' Aisling murmured. *Yeah, I'll bet* Vader thought, resigned.

 'I'll think it over,' he said at last, then he gestured to something out of the field of his holo-transmitter and his holo-image vanished. 

Aisling turned and hopped off the holo-pad, giving a nod to the trooper as she passed. She went out the door of the chamber and down the hall, Roberts keeping step with her.

 'Now what?' Roberts asked, when they emerged into an open space. Aisling paused by the wall, watching the scattered officials, officers, troopers and courtiers with keen, if detached, interest.

 'Wait,' was the simple reply. With a barely repressed irritated sigh, he set himself up against the wall and did so.

There were a fair number of people scurrying to and fro; while the area wasn't crowded there was a definite stream of people to and from all directions. Several times groups or lone people were pushed close to the them by the tide of people or by distraction. One even veered so close to them due to his intense examination of his datapad that he nearly crashed into them before looking up and altering his trajectory, brushing against Aisling as he did so and tossed a 'sorry' over his shoulder as he disappeared.

After a while, Aisling left her spot on the wall and strode through the corridor that was opposite them, Roberts to her left and slightly behind. He vaguely recognised the way to the training area are they'd visited earlier and wondered what she was up to. It wasn't until she saw her obviously memorizing a sheet of flimsiplast as she walked that he remembered the man that had nearly walked into the wall and them along with it. He grinned suddenly and vowed to make sure that he got a good seat.

Aisling barged through the doors and swept in, all pretence of respect gone. She strode up to the general she'd spoken to earlier and tapped him on the shoulder. The smirk on his face as he turned was one of "back for more, eh?" Roberts dropped back slightly, angling for the best vantage point.

Aisling waited for the rest of the officers to give them their full attention, then produced the flimsiplast with a flourish.

 'Orders from Lord Vader,' she announced in a loud clear voice. She inspecting the document carefully on the way here she made damn sure that she knew all the details. 'Awarding unconditional control of two squads of my pick of stormtroopers, a ship sufficient for numbers and mission and all provisions required to Lieutenant Roberts and myself Aisling O' Connell, answerable to Lord Vader.'

The look on the generals face as the news sank in was everything they could have hoped for and more.

*~*

Beth looked around the room and sighed. Unlike larger starships, the freighter didn't have a detention cell, so she had been deposited in one of the cargo holds, the cargo itself being unreachable to her by a hastily rigged force-field. This left her with approximately ten foot square of space and not much else. Needless to say she was unbelievably bored. 

Finally, she got up from the floor and went to the control panel beside the door. It had been made inactive on this side as a precaution. After removing the panel and examining the wires, she decided that, as a preventative measure it didn't work too well. A few crossed wires and a couple of sparks and the doors slid open easily, letting her stride through triumphantly.   

 'Okay,' she murmured to herself, looking around. 'You're out of there, now what?' She had seen most of the ship already since before someone had hit on the idea of the cargo hold she had been shuffled around to everywhere else. That left, not much at all. 

 'Hello,' she said, catching sight of the other two cargo hold doors. 'What have we here?' The doors slid open immediately at her command and she saw rows of boxes and crates, none of them protected by any force field, sensor lines or barbed wire. She stepped into the hold, closed the doors and got to work, an enormous grin on her face.

*~*

Aisling stood with her back against the wall beside the doors to the bridge. From her position, she could see the whole of the bridge and most of the pit, few things escaped her scrutiny.Lieutenant, now acting-Captain, Roberts was enjoying his position of authority and they were very nearly ready to set off. The only thing they waited for was the go-ahead form traffic control.

The doors beside Aisling _hursh_ed open and an Admiral she recognised form the courts strode smarty through, making a distinct beeline for the command post. Aisling stayed where she was, waiting to see how Roberts would deal with it.

Clearly, Roberts recognised what the Admiral was intending for he intercepted him before he stepped out onto the bridge proper, politely but firmly blocking his way. The Admiral responded by arrogantly ordering him out of his way. But Roberts, secure in his position, annulled the order, which annoyed the Admiral even more. Aisling watched bemused as the crew of the bridge and pit surreptitiously turned their heads to look at the row. Eventually, Roberts caught Aislings eye and gestured minutely. She smirked and nodded.

 'You are on the verge of mutiny,' the Admiral was shouting, his face red. 'I order you to hand this vessel over to my command and take yourself to a detention cell immediately!'

 'Is there a problem?' Aisling said calmly, stepping behind the Admiral who turned to see who had interrupted his diatribe.

 'Yes there is a problem,' the Admiral snapped, he recognised her from the courts as well. 'You are a civilian Miss O' Connell and it is against regulations for a civilian to be on the bridge of an Imperial ship. And this,' he turned to Roberts. 'Is a lieutenant.'

 'And you are an Admiral,' Aisling finished in a quiet voice. 'What of it?' While the Admiral spluttered, Roberts cast a swift look at her. Hands clasped loosely behind her back, her posture was non-aggressive if not passive, her expression was of helpful interest, her voice low, tone polite, so why did he have the urge to run and hide?

 'As an Admiral,' the admiral said at last. 'I outrank both you, so hand this command over to me immediately before I take it myself.' Aisling was silent for a moment, as if pondering his words.

 'So if you outrank us,' she said slowly. 'Does that mean you outrank whom our orders come from?' The Admiral paused, just enough self-preservation instinct still survived to make him ask,

 'Who gave you your orders?'

 'Lord Vader.' Aisling tilted her head and half-smiled. 'Do you outrank Lord Vader? Admiral?'

*snigger* needless to say, I'm not fond of officers. 

Thanks again for all the reviews, but your obligation does not end here! More reviews! Greedy am I and I care not! *grin*

Bye for now! 


	23. Catfight!

Okay, I know its later than I said it would be but it took so dammed long getting this lot typed up last night that I was too tired to upload. I sorry! And I know that you've waited longer than ye should have to but I'm in college and, sweet whatever! I'm so knackered when I get home that I can barely eat my dinner never mind typing anything! So I'm sorry, I didn't do it out of spite or greed or anything else, I did it because I was too tired to do anything else.

 Right, apology over! Lets get to the dedications.  
  
Amaris Sandstone; Apology accepted. Yeah me too, that could be why I did so much officer-bashing, it might just be. I agree totally, it WOULD be so much fun to watch. ;) 

Emerald Redfern: hehe! I glad you feel that way! Thank you!! 

Yoda the Tenth (I think) ; Well I'm sorry to make you wait. I've explained above. Thanks! 

Neila Nuruodo the Chiss; *gasp* No, run!! Darth Real Life is coming! Run for the hills!! ^_^ Really? Kewl, *a la Homer Simpson* Its Opposite land!! : 

Yoda the Tenth; Thank you, though I'm sure you do to. Yes I know, it's what gives me the edge. Um, no It's much more fun over here. *smirk* Really? And yes you do. I tried! I failed! It's up now, leave it be! *runs off sobbing*  
Dragonlet; Yea I know and this one probably aint much better, but believe me, the next one is gonna sooooo much better!! 

Wedge Antilles; How long did it take you read the whole thing? Even I cant do it anymore in one sitting! Thank you so much!! Try to enjoy the rest wont you? *smile* 

Sage of Dreams the Duranie: gee I wonder how you came up with this name? *smirk* Oh, I'm not that bad! *grin* 

Jay-Cee: You'll see and none, well MOST of that list isn't in there but one or two might just be. Yes, get your head around the other one! 

Christine; Thank you. Well the game thing wasn't supposed to go on this long, hell the dammed fic wasn't supposed to go on this long, but it shows again so don't forget it. 

Little Hyena; Thank you. Are you guys in some kind of club or something? 

Andy; Oh no, that's okay, just a review with the word "I like it" will do. After all that's all I REALLY want to hear. *smirk* Annoying Brat; You remind me so much of someone you know that? Oh yeah, me! Thank you and yes I will continue to answer your reviews so that you can feel that nonexistent inner glow. *smirk* After all, what else am I here for? Silverwolfprincess; yeah, she is after all me. *grin*  
  
yes, this IS the second time this one is uploaded cos thicko here forgot to put it so it would keep its format. What can I say, I'm dumb! Thanks to Lady Umbra for pointing it out. Thank you!  
So I hope you can enjoy more this way.

Enjoy, if you can!

  
  
Beth looked around the cargo hold and tapped her foot in frustration. There was nothing here to interest her. No doubt to the more mechanically minded, the place was a treasure trove, but what use had she for things like hydrospanners, alluvial dampeners and spaarti cylinders?

She gave up n the assorted carets boxes and packages and stomped off to the third and last cargo hold. This one had better be worth the effort.

Half-an-hour later, two mechanics who came down to retrieve a tool and to check on her, found the mess left in Beths wake and rather shakily reported it to the captain, sending the whole ship on alert and Beth's tail.

But by this time, Beth couldn't care less.

*~*

Aisling opened her eyes to someone pounding on her door. 

 'Alright, alright I'm up, I'm coming,' she yawned, stretching. *Ooh, deja-vu* Rubbing her neck she stumbled to the door and opened it. Roberts strode in before the door was fully open.

 'Aisling O' Connell I've got some things to talk to you about.'

 'Come right on in,' Aisling muttered, closing the door behind. 'I don't mind being woken up for the second time in twenty-four hours. Make yourself at home.' Roberts held out a datapad, looking displeased to say the least.

 'What's this?' Aisling asked, then yawned hugely. That single ten-minute nap after a night on the town had been on the wrong side of a day ago and she had, it seemed, barely closed her eyes before he had woken her again. She took the datapad and flopped down onto the chair that she had slept in. 'Reports? Cant you do your own dammed paperwork?'

 'They're reports of trooper behaviour since you've arrived on this ship,' Roberts told her.

 'And you too, my lad,' Aisling pointed out. 'You'd still be delivering packages in the Palace if I hadn't dragged you along.'

 'What's your point?'

 'None, just thought I'd point it out.' Aisling rubbed at her eyes. 'Carry on with the dressing-down, I'm all ears.'

 'Last night, there were disturbances in the troopers mess, and all activity was traced to a small group of off-duty troopers who engaged in,' he consulted his datapad. 'Drinking competitions involving an entity named "Fuzzy Duck" '

 'Duck Fuzzy,' Aisling said automatically. 

 'I beg your pardon?'

 'That's the game,' she explained. 'A group sits in a ring and someone says Fuzzy Duck the one to the right of him says Duck Fuzzy the next one says Fuzzy Duck etc etc until someone trips up or hesitates and then that person has to knock back a shot of spirits or a mouthful of beer. Then the circle starts again till the next trip and the next and so on and so on until there's no-one left to can do anything but laugh insanely and fall over.'

 'And you do this regularly?' Roberts asked, a strangled edge appearing in his voice. Aisling shook her head.

 'Only when the place is dead or you're already more pissed than is good for you. I didn't participate for long last night, I kept to one pint then came back here for some sleep.'

 'But you told the troopers about the game?'

 'Yep.'

 'Okay,' Roberts said, marking the report, A. F. shorthand for Aislings Fault. Vader could deal with it and the rest of the rising stack in the computer hard-drive. He moved onto the next one.

 'How about this one?    

 'What one?' 

 'A dance consisting of vigorous arm and hip movements then a jump and clap motion.' Aisling opened her eyes and looked at him oddly.

 'Huh?'

 'The phrase "hey Macarena!" is included,' Roberts added.

 'Oh,' Aisling said, understanding dawning. 'The Macarena. Yeah I showed one or two that one, why?' Roberts silently handed the datapad back to her. Aisling skimmed through the report, raised an eyebrow and read it again more carefully.

 'They did that?'

 'Yep.'

 'In front of?'

 'Yep.'

 'Ah.'

 'Yep.'

 'Right. Okay then.' Aisling read the report for a third and fourth time. 'Wow. Er, um, yeah. How many?'

 'Ten.'

 'Oh.' She handed the datapad back. 'Next complaint?'

*~*

If the medical droid could have, he would have given his current patient a good thump. Under the confidential advice of Captain Roberts, he was examining Aisling O' Connell to decipher her mental health.

And he'd thought that he'd seen everything.

At first he had taken her to be a polite and well-mannered individual, affable and mature. They had chatted for several minutes and the droid had drawn the conclusion that the captain had been over-reacting. But since orders were orders, he had begun with word association.

That was eight minutes and thirty-three seconds ago.

 'Rainbow,' the droid said.

 'Playing with the fairies,' Aisling replied. The droid analysed her inflection and body language and put her response into the already full category of "Sex-related." The other categories were "Drink-related" and "Both."

 'Flower.'

 'The birds and the bees.'

 'Message.'

 'Messengers.' She was doing it on purpose, he was certain of it. Most of the responses she made were not in the slightest bit iffy by themselves, but her smirking and inflection made everything sound foul.

 'Bantha.'

 'Horns.'

 'Medicine.' She laughed softly.

 'Bad medicine.'

 'Ice-cream.'

 'Chocolate sauce.'

 'Speeder.'

 'Back seat.'

 'Chair.'

 'Sitting on a big thing.'

 'That's enough,' the droid said after a while and produced a specially adapted datapad and turned it so the screen faced her. Aisling raised an eyebrow. 'We'll try these.' He turned the thing on and the screen showed what looked like one of those inkblot test things. 'Now, tell me what do you see.'

Fifteen seconds later Aisling was thrown out on her arse with a stick of soap firmly wedged in her mouth.

*~*

 'Sir,' a communications officer said to Commander Daniels who had the bridge as Roberts wasn't there. 'We have picked up a signal from the freighter _Hard Times_. It is a mayday signal.' 

 'Put it onto the intercom,' the commander said. 

 'To any ships listening,' a panicked voice said. 'This is the freighter _Hard Times_ en route to Carida. We have a madwoman on board. We require assistance. She has caused considerable damage to the ship and cargo, I repeat, we require assistance.' There was a pause and the message began again. 'To any ships listening. This is the freighter.' Commander Daniels reached over and shut off the intercom. He stared at the panel for a moment.

 'What frequency is that on?' he asked the officer. 

 'All bands sir, on a repeat pattern in the ten major intergalactic languages.' *They just broadcast that they are vulnerable and disorganised to every pirate and thief in this part of the galaxy* Daniels thought. '*Why?* His eyes slid to the newly arrived report from the medical droid on the result of that O' Connell's examination. *Isn't she supposed to be the quieter one?*

His fingers tapped an unconscious rhythm on the metal of the control panel as he looked blankly at the mottled view of hyperspace and the communications officer waited on his orders.

 'Have you pinpointed the exact source of the transmission?' he asked after a few moments.

 'Yes sir,' the officer replied. 'They are less than half an hour away and parallel to our course.'

 'Half an hour,' Daniels repeated, then he turned to the officer. 'Open a channel to the Captain and explain the situation.' *Let him deal with it* he thought sourly. *That's what captains are for*     

After about ten minutes Roberts arrived on the bridge and listened to the transmission.

 'It could be a trap,' Daniels said in a low voice. Roberts shook his head.

 'Listen to it, the guys petrified,' he pointed out. 'No-one's that good an actor. And anyway, it's uncoded, broadcast on all frequencies and in all the major languages. If it were a trap, there would be too much of a risk that someone else would get there first. No,' he decided. 'Its real. Only thing is to make sure we get there first.'

 'Yes sir,' Daniels said. 'We'll be at the closest point to the freighter in fourteen minutes.'

 'Notify me when we reach the freighter,' Roberts said. 'You have the bridge.' He left the bridge and headed for the officers mess. *Dear Force I need coffee!*

 He was there when Aisling strolled in the door, despite the fact that she wasn't supposed to be near the place.

 'Captain,' she nodded in greeting.

 'Civilian,' he replied. 'Is there a reason for you being here, or do you just like flaunting your disregard for rules and regulations?'

 'Hey,' Aisling said. 'If you've got it.' Roberts chuckled in reply and took a gulp of the thick steaming vine coffee. 'I just wondering,' Aisling said after getting a tall glass of what Roberts hoped was flavoured water.

 'Oh, here it comes,' he joked.

 'And there it goes,' Aisling finished. 'I just want to know what happens after we get Beth.'

 'What do you mean? We turn around and go back to Imperial City.'

 'Indeed,' Aisling murmured. Roberts gave her an odd look, but Daniels voice coming over the comlink on his belt stopped him from saying whatever it was he was going to say.

 'We have reached our destination Captain,' Daniels said.

  'I'll be there shortly,' Roberts said, then finished his coffee and got up from the table. 'See you later,' he said to Aisling who waved her fingers at him.

After he was gone, Aisling stared at the walls blankly, fingernails tapping on her glass, then she got up and went to listen to whatever transmissions were made. 

She really didn't have much hope for them retrieving Beth unless she went along, the girl was contrary that way.

*~* 

Captain Roberts opened a channel to the freighter _Hard Times_.

 'This is Captain Armand Roberts of the Imperial starship _Iron Fist_. Drop your shields and prepare for a boarding party.' There was a burst of static and Roberts glanced at his 2nd in command, Commander Daniels, who shrugged. He flipped the toggle again.

 'This is Captain…'he began.

 'Yes of course,' someone said from the freighter. Daniels and Roberts exchanged a puzzled look. The voice was high-pitched and it seemed like the speaker was unsuccessfully trying not to giggle. 'Come aboard, as many as you feel like, welcome to have you.' *Welcome to have you?* Roberts thought. Then there was a noise like someone was wrestling the speaker away from the comlink. The crew looked at each other as shrieks, yells of "gimme that!" and the definite sound of someone pouching someone else filtered through the communication.

Finally they heard a muttered "Put him with the others" and a new speaker took over the comlink. 'Imperial starship _Steel Fist_, this is Commander Ethan Phillips of the freighter _Hard Times_. I warn you not to board this ship. We have a stowaway here that has caused nearly all of the ship including the captain to go mad. I repeat, do not board this ship lest you wish to suffer the same fate.'

Roberts didn't know whether to laugh or frown at this strange and straight-faced speech. The _Iron Fist_ had been carrying Aisling O' Connell for some two and a half days now and they suffered no ill effects, almost none, he amended remembering all those reports. A glance to his second-in-commands pale face made him give more credence to the story than he would normally have, so instead of telling the freighter commander to pull himself together he told him that they were there to retrieve the stowaway, one Bethany Marie Walsh. The commander's response was both surprising and worrying.

Bursting into noisy sobs the officers said, 'Thank God! Hey lads!' he yelled away from the comlink. 'They're taking her away! She's leaving!' The slightly tinny cheers echoed through the bridge of the _Iron Fist_, causing no end of worry there. Freighter crews were some of the toughest there was, what the hell did this Bethany Welsh do to them?

Clearing his throat, Roberts toggled the switch again. 'Freighter _hard Times_, drop your shields and prepare for boarding party.'

 'Shields are down Imperial starship _Iron Fist_,' the commander voice came back, somewhat calm again. 'We are ready and waiting.' But before he cut off, there was a burst of maniacal laughter.

Roberts stared at the comlink for a long moment, then turned to Daniels. 'Prepare the boarding party.'

 'Yessir,' Daniels replied and smartly exited the bridge, wondering if they'd be as happy to take Ms. Walsh as Commander Phillips was to get rid of her.

Somehow he doubted it.

*~*

Commander Daniels lead ten stormtroopers down to the shuttle bay. They had relayed the order by comlink, either ship-wide or the troopers' own frequency, instead opting for the tried and tested method of picking the ones closest to the door. They had told none of the mission and avoided the main corridors on the journey, opting for the maintenance areas, cutting through rooms and other appropriate out-of-the-way places.

The whole thing had been approached, ordered and carried out with considerable secrecy, which made Daniels astonishment understandable when they entered the shuttle by and found Aisling waiting for them.

 'What took you so long boys?' she asked airily as they filed up the ramp in double file. Daniels glowered and huffed off to the cockpit with the co-pilot. The others stoically set themselves in and waited. With a half-hidden smirk, Aisling did the same. Contrary to their expectations, she was largely silent until they boarded the freighter. From the second she set foot on the other ship however, it was a different story.

She set out for the bridge, often out-pacing the troopers themselves, marched up to the commander and demanded that he give up the location of Beth. Once he did that, she threw him aside and, brushing past the troopers and Daniels who had watched her in slight shock, strode quickly towards the place the commander had indistinctly told her about. Daniels pulled himself together long enough to order two troopers to follow and help her while he took the other eight and took control of the ship, the crew itself being completely incapable of doing so.

Aisling moved through the ship, taking note of the damage and damaged crewmen and officers scattered around with an experienced eye. *Beth got at the controls I guess* she thought grimly, passing through the passageway known as Kamino. She emerged through that one with the distinct desire to get her hands around her best friends throat and squeeze hard. She stomped towards the back of the ship where the cargo holds were, the troopers behind her squelching gamely to keep up.

 At last, she arrived at the end of the passageway where the three cargo hold doors and the corridors portal made up a square. She glanced at two of them, then opened the third and went in.

 'Bethany Marie Walsh!'  the troopers heard her say as they took up station on either side of the doors.

It was none of their business after all.

*~*

 'Bethany Marie Walsh!' Aisling shouted. Beth barely looked at her. 

 'Oh you found me,' she said vaguely, engrossed in the holo-projector in front of her.

 'Where have you been?! What have you been doing?! And Why,' Aisling paused for a moment and when she spoke again her voice took on a much more thoughtful tone. 'Is Ron Weasley in 3-d Technicolor?'

 'Here. Officers, crewmen and creating havoc. Modified video cassette player linked up to a holo-projector that's been modified to give colour.' Beth grinned evilly. 'They seemed awfully eager to get the job done, cant think why.' 

 'Me neither,' Aisling replied, though she could hazard a guess. She looked to a small device on the floor in front of Beth that was most likely the remote. *If Ron Weasley looks halfway handsome on that thing what would..?* Before she completed the thought, she dived for the remote. Beth yelled and grabbed for the device, hanging on for dear life with Aisling firmly fastened onto the other end. The two girls grappled madly over the tiny bundle of wires and plastic. Aisling wrested it away for a moment and put the video into fast-forward. Beth shrieked and grabbed for it, knocking them both off balance.

 'Gimme that you malignant fuck-pig!'

 'Let go whorebitch!'

Suddenly the screen went to white fuzz. There was a moment's silence then twin cries of;

 '_AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!_'

 'GET IT BACK! GET IT _BACK_!'

 'I'M TRYING! I'M _TRYING_'

Aisling punched desperately at the remote. Then the picture came back and both girls sighed in relief. 

 'And now we're back to Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone,' Aisling murmured. Then the sound came on. 'In Huttese.' There was a moment's silence form the two.

 'Is that bad?' Beth asked.

 'Not really,' Aisling replied. 'We both know all the dialogue so it's a chance to learn a brand-new language, I guess.'

 'Oh.' Beth grabbed the remote. 'Hah! Mine!'

 'Wait a second,' Aisling said. 'Look.' They both watched, then sighed.

 'Oliver Wood!' 

They watched in silence, relative silence that is. 

 'Beth' Aisling said after a while.

 'Mmm?'

 'How did Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone get here?'

 'Oh, they've massive boxes of our stuff in here.' 

 'Oh.' More silence. 'Any of mine?' Beth waved a hand in some direction or other.

 'Over there somewhere I think.' 

 'Okay.' Aisling got up and looked among the boxes. 'Where?' she called after a while. 

 'Way, way back,' Beth shouted back.  Aisling shrugged and continued the search while Beth remained in front of the holo-projector. When her best friend shouted "Woo-hoo!' and there came the sound of a crash, she got up, told the troopers where to  go and settled back into place.

*~*

Aisling had found a box labelled Aislings Stuff and dived into it. She rummaged through it, hanging over the lip and scrabbling headfirst through the junk until she located what she had been looking for. Unfortunately it had been at the bottom of the enormous crate and she needed the assistance of the two troopers who had conveniently arrived to get back out again. 

She raced back through the maze of cargo, clutching her prize and giggling insanely. She skidded to a halt in front of the holo-projector and elbowed Beth out of the way. It was a good thing then that it was a scene without any Weasleys that was on then or there may have been trouble. Beth watched as Aisling unceremoniously ejected the Harry Potter video and  put in one of hers instead.

 'What's that one' she asked. Aisling hissed when realized that she had to rewind the tape and tapped her fingers on the floor as she waited.

 'Episode Five, Empire Strikes Back.' Beth blinked rapidly. 

 'You know I don't think you should,' she said quickly. ' 'Cos of the whole interference thing and I've only watched the Oliver Wood scenes five times don't you want to see them again and you know how its better to see things live and I think I should take the video now.' Her quick dart to the modified video machine was completely defeated by Aisling grabbing her wrist.

 'Touch the machine and die a pain filled lengthy death,' Aisling said absently, watching the numbers on the machine. 'I haven't seen Star Wars in three months,' she continued. 'I am well _well_ overdue.'

 'But you're in the middle of it,' Beth pointed out, massaging her wrist when Aisling let go of it. 'Why do you want to watch it as well?'

 'Because I can.' Aisling whooped in delight as the tape fully rewound and pressed the play button. Within milliseconds, she was entranced, not noticing how Beth was edging towards the door.

The holoprojector showed the logo of Lucas Films, when the semi-mythical words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…" Then the Rebel Anthem started as the Star Wars logo showed and the text appeared beneath it.

Aisling read the text aloud, even though she knew it by heart.

 'Episode Five, The Empire Strikes Back.' Customary giggle. Beth hid behind the two troopers who were standing in front of the door. 'It's a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star _WHAT THE FUCK?!_' This last was because of instead of the text continuing as it should, the screen went blank, then the opening scenes of  "sleepy Hollow" appeared instead.

Aislings jaw dropped and she blinked twice as she watched in shock, then she stopped the video and switched off the holoprojector.

 'Beth,' she said after a few tense moments of silence. 'What happened to my Star Wars video?' She didn't turn around, didn't raise her voice, stayed sitting cross-legged on the floor,  facing the inactive holo-projector. Beth whimpered and crouched lower behind the troopers. 'Why instead of Episode Five is Sleepy Hollow now on my tape?' There was a few more moments of silence. The troopers began to wish there was something they could hide behind. 'Are my other Star wars tapes thus afflicted?'

 'Um,' Beth croaked.

 'Episode Four?' Beth looked down.

 ' "Fast and the Furious." ' Silence.

 'Episode Six?' Beth looked over her shoulder at the door, trying to figure out how far she'd get.

 ' "Goldmember." ' 

 'Episode One?'

 ' "Snatch." 'There was another silence in which Beth could just see her friend devise various appropriate methods of punishment. *I'd make it to the bridge* Beth thought. *Then what?*

 'I see,' Aisling said at last. 'We've known each other some time now, yes?'

 'Yeah.'

 'And we've been best friends for most of that time, yes?'

 'Yeah?' *Dammit I wont even make the bridge!*

 'Beth?'

 'Er, yeah Aisling?'

 'You've got three seconds.'

*~*

 'When they were finally separated again, both turned on the troopers for interrupting them,' Roberts was saying, Daniels was silent behind him. 

Vader watched the officers silently, noting the patches of perigen, raw scratches, torn uniforms and hastily applied nu-skin with amused annoyance. Beth and Aisling had had the biggest catfight in history and had visited most of the freighter before being restrained and taken to the ship, where they  broke free and continued it. When they fell into the ship bridge, Roberts forget completely that he was captain and attempted to haul one off the other, Roberts jumping in to protect him. The obvious signs pointed to neither man being very successful either task. This had happened before the _Iron Fist_ had set back for Imperial City and Aisling and Beth had been separately detained since.

Vader sighed imperceptively. It was a good thing that the _Avenger_'s mission had finished that morning. He'd better make sure that he was there when they let the pair free again.

 'E.T.A. to Imperial City Captain,' he said.

 'Fifty-one hours thirty-two minutes my lord.'

 'The _Avenger_ will meet the _Iron Fist_ in orbit above Imperial City,' Vader decided. 'Do _not_, under any circumstances, set Aisling or Beth free until I arrive. Understand?'

 'Yes my lord.'

 'We will rendezvous with you above Imperial City.' With that Vader cut the transmission. 

He stood in silence for a moment. The _Avenger _would reach Imperial City in forty-nine hours, he'd decide what to do with them then.

*And if I don't have that Force-dammed contraption finished by then!*

 Didn't I say not to forget it? Yeah, for everyone who's looking at the sky and wondering why I haven't let him finish the thing yet, he'll finish it soon. I promise!  
  
I don't know how long it'll be before I update again but ill be as quick as I can, alright?  
  


Thanks again Lady Umbra!

  
Thank you for tuning into this instalment of two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!! Bye!


	24. Green powder rules!

First of all, I don't own Pain (Slayers mix) Four Star Mary do, I also don't own the Chicken Dance the Conga the Macarena or Saturday Night. I don't know who does own them, but I can assure you it aint me.

Okay, dedications?

Annoying Brat: I thought I said. Anyhoo, ready for it? You remind me of,…ME! Kinda. *smirk* Holograms eh? So simple and so full of promise. ^_^ Er yep, they ransacked Aislings uncles place and the stuff was put on the _Avenger_ and brought to Imperial City before being shipped to Carida _on the very same freighter that held Beth!!_ What a coinkidink! *grin*  *Solemn voice*I thank you for your awe and your review. : )

Neko Megami: Okay, here it is!

Dragonlet: That too, but Jay-Cee always manages to turn everything that was her fault into something that happened three yonks ago and was my fault, so Beth does the same. And since when does a catfight mean anything _but_ two+ females beating the living shit outta each other? Its better? Woo-hoo!

Jay-Cee: Yeah, I know. And no it wasn't, sorry! Havent seen it. Yeah well, I like the film its to hilarious for words, and I couldn't think of another one so she taped it! P.S. Only if I'm already pissed out of my brain and it's five against one. *slow grin* You really want to chance your luck? And your life?

Lady Umbra: Yeah, sorry about that. Thanks.

Andy: Thank you. I've never actually had my mouth washed out, I was always too quick. *grin*

Neila Nuruodo the Chiss: Thank you. I'd hope that I'd act as civilised as Aisling if anyone taped over mine. *smirk*

Yoda the Tenth: Thank you, I'm glad you understand that genius, like eye-pencil, mascara, and a good cup of tea, cannot be rushed. *grin* 

DramaPrincess_87: *ginormous grin* thank you!! I may have done, college is somewhat cracked! Thanks to ideas from Jay-cee, the next one should be even better (don't even try to hold me to that!) so enjoy this on in the meantime. Thanks again!

YODA THE TENTH: um, no. Cos how am I gonna have Beth and Aisling visit Dagobah without Vader twigging. Although the idea is intriguing…Hmm, Beth in a swamp surrounded by lizards snakes and swamp things… I'll get back to you on that one!

Ready to go? And they're off!

This is where you stop reading the intro and get to the story.

Get to the story damn you!

'PAAAAAIN I CANT SLEEP! PAAAAAAAIN I CANT SLEEP.'

Captain Roberts, his hands clamped over his ears, shouted through the door. 'TURN THAT RACKET OFF!!' 

Inside, Aisling reached over and cranked up the volume.

Commander Daniels who had been doing the same to the door on the other side got the same response. The two men gave up and staggered back towards the bridge before their eardrums burst. Aisling and Beth had been detained in rooms whose doors were directly opposite each other. Both girls had unearthed what they termed 'stereos' and 'CDs.' The result was causing deafness throughout the entire ship. Especially since both girls had some of the same music and insisted on playing them at the exact same time at the highest volume possible. 

 'Don't stop don't talk, do not, with me.' Dear Force it could be heard even up here. Roberts kicked a sound sponge across to the door and the noise disappeared.

 'Thank you sir,' Daniels sighed, rubbing at his temples. 

 'ETA to Imperial City,' Roberts asked. 

 'Twenty-four hours,' he was told. *Twenty-four hours more?!* A tic started jumping under his left eye, which he unsuccessfully tried to stop. 

 'I don't suppose there's any way we could drug their food?' Daniels asked him quietly. Roberts looked at him in astonishment. Why didn't he think of that?

 'Yes,' he murmured. 'A sedative that would wear off by,' he caught himself and said, 'the time we arrive,' instead of 'by the time Vader arrives.' 'Have the medical droid sort it out.'

 'Yessir,' Daniels and ripped off a smart salute and marched quickly down to the med centre. 

The droid was only too happy to oblige.

*~*  
Beth looked up the food slot in the wall beside the door beeped and a tray of food was pushed through. *Woo-hoo! Food*

She wolfed down the selection and sat back with a cup of tea, she had a Harry Potter book to finish!

*~*

Aisling heard the food slot go off and took out the tray of food. After eating it, she picked up her pen and took up where she left off, sipping occasionally at the cup of tea at her elbow.

It was but a short time until both started feeling strange.

*~*

Commander Daniels smirked with satisfaction as he watched the two eat their drugged dinners on the monitor screen. The medical droid had given him two powders to give them, and it looked like the first one was working.

 'Well?' Captain Roberts asked, coming up behind him.

 'Mission accomplished sir,' Daniels grinned. 'The droid gave me two powders to mix into their drinks,' he continued at Roberts raised eyebrow. 'A blue sleeping powder and a green stimulating powder. I have mixed the sleeping powder into their tea and,' he motioned to the screens where both girls had dropped their cups and were rubbing their eyes. 'As you can see, they are having the expected results.'

 'Well done commander,' Roberts said and with a nod, turned and left. Daniels cast one last satisfied look at the screens and did the same.

A pity then that neither saw what happened next.

*~*

Aisling took her fists away from her eyes and giggled. Her skin tingled and her heart was racing and she just couldn't sit still. So she didn't. She jumped up from the chair and raced around the room, over and back, up and down. She ran backwards, forwards, upside-down, on her hands. She jumped up and down to see if she could reach the ceiling and giggled insanely when she did. She went to the door and stood on one leg in front of it, trying to remember how to get out. Humming a tune she opened the access panel and rerouted wires, shrugging off a mild electrical shock. She hopped up and down and clapped her hands when it worked and the door opened. 

 'FREEEEDOOOOOOOM' she yelled, just for the hell of it. Then she exaggerated sneaking across the hall to the door that was shaking from blows on the other side. She watched with her head on one side for a moment, then reached out and opened the door, snatching her hand back and looking around innocently when she did.

Beth barrelled out of the room with a shriek and skidded to a halt just in front of the door to Aislings room, then fell against it anyway. Aisling waved madly at her with both hands, grinning like a loony and hopping up and down on the balls of her feet. Beth grinned and waved back.    

 'Shall we go have fun?' Aisling giggled, her hands clasped in front of her mouth, the corners of her grin visible on either side.

 'Lets go have fun,' Beth whispered loudly, looking around guiltily when Aisling shushed her. 'Race ya!'

Laughing and giggling, the two currently off their heads best friends ran, jumped and skipped through the corridors. 

*~*

The sergeant heaved a silent sigh of relief when he spotted the mess. He was now off-duty and couldn't be more relieved. He had heard that the two prize fools were being held in captivity, but he didn't put it past them to get free somehow. But he'd be safe in the mess, wouldn't he? It was an unwritten and unbroken rule that nobody started anything in a troopers' mess, there always too many people to finish it. Even that Aisling knew and respected that. 

With a smile, the sergeant went in the door and let it close behind him, all ready for a serious bout of drinking.

*~*

Aisling and Beth came up the corridors having a competition about who could hop the farthest on one leg. Aisling fell over in front of a door, laughing herself stupid. Beth sagged against the wall.

 'I won!' she gasped, between gusts of laughter. 'I won! I beat you! I beat you!' she sang.

 'Hey what's in here?' Aisling asked, looking at the door. She jumped to her feet and banged the door open on her way, Beth followed on her heels. There was the sound of one hundred people drawing a breath of horror.

 'TROOPERS!!'

*~*

Roberts looked with satisfaction at his bridge. Everything was orderly, neat and efficient. There were no Aisling- or Beth-induced mishaps. No critical accidents that could be traced back to Aisling or Beth holding a piece of machinery and whistling nonchalantly. There was no Beth or Aisling period. 

Ah, blessed peace.

He exchanged pleased nods with Commander Daniels who regretfully checked his chronometer to see how long it would be until he gave them the green powder.

The blue powder?

Roberts frowned at the small bag of powder sticking up out of Daniels breast pocket. 

 'Commander,' he said quietly. 'What colour was the sleeping powder?'

 'Blue sir,' Daniels replied.

 'Sure?'

 'Yes sir. Certain sir. The stim powder is green.'

 'Then why,' Roberts asked slowly, dread rising in his mind. 'Is the powder you have in your pocket blue?'

The commander took it out, stared at it, then looked up at Roberts, a horrified look on his face.

 'I, I, I might have heard the droid wrong,' he stammered desperately. 'You know, the stim is blue and the sleep is green?'

A trooper ran into the bridge, his armour hanging in pieces and his helmet cracked, closely followed by Aisling who was whooping and yelling, 'TROO-PER! TROO-PER! TROO-PER!' She skidded to a halt and stared around, her jaw dropping, while the trooper ran and ran until he reached the bulkhead then cowered behind a terminal, sucking on his thumb.

 'Look at all the pretty buttons,' Aisling whispered, apparently awestruck. Then Beth ran in, a trooper's helmet on her head and giggling. She crashed into Aisling and knocked the two of them flying.

 'How can they see anything?' she said crossly, pulling it off. 'Much better!' Then she gasped. 'Bu-ttons!'

 'Pre-tty bu-ttons!' Aisling agreed. They looked at each other, then whooped in delight and ran for the nearest wall. 

Crew dived out of their way as they attacked the buttons and switches. The lights went on and off on and off on and off as Beth found a set she particularly liked. Aisling played eeny-meeny-miny-mo with a section then laughed and hit them all anyway. The heating plunged, then boiled. Fuses blew all over the ship. The guns fired at everything as the two squabbled over the firing controls. Crew ran from the bridge as their monitors started blowing up, intercoms blared Imperial propaganda in Ithorian, food units went hay-wire, MSE droids joined up and attacked troopers for not cleaning up after themselves, then as Beth jumped up slapped one red button in a field of black, artificial gravity went off-line. 

They only figured this out when Aisling looked for a new wall and found that her feet were above her head. She laughed and did a somersault. Beth looked up to see her friend tap-dance on the ceiling.

 'Deadly!' she cried and swam through the air. The two were soon diving and somersaulting and zipping all over the place. Aisling went to the door and opened it, then joined her friend on the ceiling. 

 'Ready?' she giggled.

 'Lets go for it.' At the same instant, the two girls pushed off from the ceiling to swoop through the door…and fall flat on their faces just outside it. 

 'Hey,' Aisling whined, shaking her head. 'What happened?'

 'Where did the flying-ness go?' Beth wailed. They sat there, despondent for a moment, and then Aisling turned to Beth.

 'Race ya.'

Roberts after watching them go heaved a sigh of relief. On feeling the effects of weightlessness, he had grabbed hold of the rail of the bridge and was currently hanging upside down. Daniels on the other hand, had neither the rail to hang onto nor the girls' skill at zero-g movement and was flailing around and getting nowhere. Roberts hissed a curse, then climbed hand over hand to where he could just, about, reach, the button, that controlled, the bridges, gravity status. He managed to hit it with his boot then jerk himself upright again before the gravity kicked in.  

He watched as Daniels hung in the air for a moment longer, then fell shrieking into the pit with a crash. He shrugged and lowered his feet to the ground, straightened up and stepped away from the rail with a smirk, smoothing his already immaculate tunic.

Just in time for a cup of formerly hovering coffee to fall on his head and drench the aforesaid tunic.

*~*

Vader out his fists on his hips.

 'What part of "Don't let them free until I arrive" was unclear?' he growled.

 'They, um, let themselves out my lord,' Roberts told him. Someone giggled in the background and he jumped a mile, craning his head around to look back over his shoulder. There was a mix-up with the administering of medication.'

 'What?' Eventually, with much pauses and interruptions, the captain told Vader the whole sorry tale. How after the gravity incident on the bridge, they had raided the supply rooms, pranced around in trooper uniforms and drained nearly every power pack on the ship whilst "target-practising." They went back to the cargo hold and watched all their videos in fast-forward, claiming that normal speed was too slow, hooked their "stereos" up to the ships intercom and blared their music at top volume constantly, what made it even worse was their fights in choosing it. They also cornered lone troopers and made them do a thing called the "Chicken Dance," causing terror humiliation and requests of escorts all through the ship.

The real fun had started when Aisling remembered that, thanks to Lord Vader, she had just as much command over the ship crew and troopers as Roberts did, civilian or no.

There was moments silence from the black-clad armoured Sith Lord.

 'What are they doing now?' Vader asked after a moment. Roberts had clearly expected this, for he made a gesture and a monitor screen was pushed into the projectors field of view. It showed a shuttle bay with a shuttle resting on the repulsor field. 

 'What is,' Vader began then paused as something thin small and white wound down from the top left corner of the screen. The camera magnified and the white thing was shown to be made up of a single line of troopers, each holding onto the shoulders of the one in front of him. Aisling was in the front of the line and she seemed to be still feeling the effects of the stim powder and enjoying every bit of it. She was saying something that sounding like "dada-dada-da-_da_' and on "_da_" one of her feet kicked up. The troopers behind her were making a game attempt at keeping up, though most were so off the beat it wasn't funny. About half-way back the line, Beth could be seen up to  the same thing as Aisling. Eventually, the line snaked its uncertain way down to the bottom of the  monitor and even more slowly, the last trooper disappeared.

 'What was that?' he asked, in the silence. 

 'We are uncertain my lord,' Roberts answered. 'But Ms Walsh suddenly shouted "Everybody conga!" and then they began.'

 'And what had they been doing before that?' Roberts hesitated, and then nodded to someone unseen by Vader and the monitors view changed.

 'This one,' Roberts was saying. 'Has been identified as "The Macarena" and the incident occurred approximately one hour thirty minutes ago.' Vader watched, horrifyingly fascinated by a group of ten troopers in two lines throwing their arms about and shaking their backsides for all they were worth. Then he noticed that Aisling and Beth were standing to one side and half joining in, half pissing themselves with laughter. 

 'This one,' Roberts said, as the view changed again. 'Is still unnamed though the singing of what seems to be a chorus by Miss Walsh and Miss O' Connell that features the words "Saturday Night" frequently may have a clue.' The same ten troopers in the same two lines with a different dance. *Well* Vader thought absently. *It's gonna have to be referred to as dancing until someone can come up with a better word* After a few moments, Aisling stepped forward, shaking her head, the Sith guessed that she felt the need to correct them. He could understand why.

 'Look,' Aislings said, her voice tinny over the speaker. 'This is how you do it. Saturday night,' she sang at a slow tempo, her and Beth acting out the dance. 'And I like the way you move, pretty baby.' Vader motioned at Roberts to get on with it as he saw the troopers try to pick up on their movements. He was a Sith, but not even he's that cruel. 

 'That was forty-five minutes ago,' Roberts said, as he switched off the monitor. 'Since then, they danced the "Ketchup Song" made troopers do something called karaoke and was chased by angry mechanics and crewmen. Then they ran off and came back after giving them the slip, which is when Miss Walsh shouted "Everybody Congo!" which is what you have seen.'

 'And what is the condition of the _Iron Fist_' Vader asked. Roberts flinched, he'd obviously hoped that that question would not be asked.

 'The _Iron Fist _has sustained damages due to a, mishap in engineering.'

 'Mishap,' Vader repeated. 'Would this mishap be Aisling or Beth related?'

 'Yes my lord, they were discovered near to the site of the mishap and Beth had a ream of wire that belonged to the piece of machinery that was affected.'

 'And what piece of was affected?' Vader asked quietly, already able to palce a reasonable guess from the look on the other mans face. 'Captain?' Roberts flinched again and swallowed hard.

 'The hyperdrive, my lord,' he said at last, not quite able to meet the Sith's mask.

 'Is it fixable?' Vader growled.   

 'The engineers have done their best, but they say that the only thing they can do is upgrade the sub-light engines so that we are travelling the maximum we can.'

 'So hyperspace travel is out for the _Iron Fist_,' Vader said in a strange monotone. 

 'Yes my lord,' Roberts managed, clearly expecting to feel ghostly fingers close around his throat. There was a moment of silence as Vader thought, during which Roberts wordlessly muttered prayers.

 'The star-ship _Morningstar_ is close to your location,' Vader rumbled at last. 'They will contacted and told of your whereabouts. You are to transfer Beth and Aisling to the _Morningstar_ then make your way to the nearest Imperial base for repairs. Is that understood?'

 'Yes my lord!' Roberts relief was almost palpable as he snapped a sharp salute.

 'Do not fail me again Captain,' Vader told him in a low voice. 'You have reached the end of my patience with this.' With that ominous warning, he cut the transmission and the signal died.

Roberts stared at the opposite wall fir a moment or two, then carefully got off the holotransmitter and sat in a chair, shaking. 

The door opened and Roberts rose to his feet, wiping the expression from his face with practised ease.

 'Well sir' Daniels asked. 'What does Lord Vader command?'

 'We are to meet with the _Morningstar_ and hand those two over to them,' Roberts told him shortly. 

 'You mean they're leaving sir?' Daniels said in disbelief. 'They're finally leaving?' Roberts nodded, the fact only now sinking in. 

Daniels grinned, madly. 'May I have a moment,' he asked Roberts.

 'Carry on.' 

 'WOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!' Daniels whooped and punched the air. 'They're leaving!! WOO-HOOO!!'  Then he put his fists down, smoothed his tunic and saluted to Roberts. 'Thank you sir.'

 'get in contact with the _Morningstar_ and inform me the moment you do,' the captain told him, leaving the room.

 'Yes sir.' Daniels hurried in a dignified fashion to the bridge. Soon, Roberts knew, the ships grapevine will have delivered the unexpected and wonderful news to every man on board ship and little acts of celebration would occur all over the place. He also knew that he had to look like it had no effect on him whatsoever. But first.

Roberts entered his quarters, locked the door and placed a sound sponge behind it, then for good measure he turned on his sound system and cranked up the volume. The he went spare, jumping, hollering, whooping and laughing insanely.

Three minutes later, when Daniels called his comlink to tell him that the _Morningstar_ had been reached, it was like the fit of joy had never happened.

If it wasn't for Aisling and Beth hiding behind one of the chairs where they had dived when they heard him enter.

 'So I guess we're going somewhere then,' Beth murmured when Roberts left again.

 'I guess so.'

 'Where to?'

 'Imperial City I guess.' Beth grinned.

 'Oh the fun!'

*angelic grin* Oh I wonder what could happen there? Come back and find out, wont you?  


	25. Air! I need air! Or at least, they do

Can I make an announcement? 

Thank you.

I BROKE THREE HUNDRED!!!!!   300!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 

*clears throat, straightens clothes* Thank you.

I'd like to thank everyone who ever gave me a review, I love you guys! You all rule!! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthnakoyuthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, dedications! (three hundred aaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaetcetcadinfinitum!!!!)

Unfortunately, if I tried making comments to every single review, I would have no fingers left and would be here until next Tuesday. So I'm afraid it'll just have to be a list, but I'll answer questions, k?

 Btw, insert " Thank you so much you rule" everywhere you see this symbol ^_^

Lady Umbra ^_^

Neila Nurouda the Chiss; Yep, I'll send you some. ^_^

Annoying brat ^_^

Yoda the Tenth ^_^

Merrymoll ^_^

Neko Megami ^_^

Dragonlet: A Chiss is an alien with blue skin, glowing red eyes and blue-black hair from the world of Csilla that is way out on the Unknown Regions. An example of a Chiss is Grand Admiral Thrawn. Okay, sorted? Yay. ^_^

Princess Shinra ^_^

Baru-chan Hint gotten! I will use the song! ^_^

Little Hyena ^_^

Jacintha ^_^

Me!!! ^_^

Sage of Dreams the Duranie: It went away, but then it came back. ^_^

Drama_Princess87: Borrow away, what else are mentors for? Loved the chapter btw! ^_^

Amaris Sandstone ^_^

Weaver ^_^

Wedge Antilles: By the bucketful if you want it! ^_^

Andy ^_^

Ladyrouge  ^_^

Regeane Yeah, I know that.  ^_^

And everybody who reviewed gets a years supply of green powder!!

And now, what you've been waiting for, the twenty-fourth chapter of "Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord" 

By the way THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

^_^

And now for the story 

'What?!' 

 'Oh come on, it's a traditional party trick back home.'

 '_That's_ a traditional party trick?'

Aisling and Beth had arrived in Imperial City the evening before, but the stim powder had worn off by then and they spent some fourteen hours sleeping off the after-affects. Now they were trying to convince a group of troopers into doing something.

 'Well, why wouldn't you do it?'

 'Because it's humiliating?'

 'Oh please, without your helmets and whatnot on, no-one will even know you're troopers.'

 'Lord Vader will,' the leader muttered darkly.

 'Are ye men or not?' Aisling asked scathingly, dropping all too easily into the stereotypical Irish mammy voice. 'Look at ye, too scared to have some fun and indulge a couple of homesick girls at the same time.' Aisling sneered and tossed her head. 'Ye're not men, ye're geldings.' She looked scornfully at the group and they unconsciously dropped their heads minutely. 

 'No we're not,' one muttered defiantly.

 'Then think for yourselves for once,' Beth snapped, which sparked off a whole new round.

Eventually, after more arguing and insults thrown back and forth, Beth threw up her hands and announced, 'We'll pay.'

Finally, after wrangling over the fee, Aisling and Beth shook hands with the troopers to seal the deal, then walked to the nearest eatery, humming nonchantly while the troopers went off somewhere else.

 'Think they'll do it?' Beth asked, giggling slightly.

 'They'd better,' Aisling answered. 'I'm down twenty bucks if they don't.'

 'But we're down ten per if they do,' Beth pointed out.

 'No we're not,' Aisling replied, smirking a bit. 'We decided on ten bucks.'

 'Yeah, ten per trooper.'

 'Nope, neither the word "each" nor "per" featured at all.' The two looked at each other, then burst into laughter, rubbing their hands together in anticipation.

*~*

Vader blinked sleepily behind his mask. Yet another blasted Court appearance! He had once tried to figure out how many times he'd had to stand behind Palpatines throne at the Force-dammed things, but the number was so depressingly large that he gave up in disgust.

Of all the things he needed to be doing! Those blasted Rebels had interrupted the work on his new Super Star Destroyer again and there were areas of mild revolt in the Outer Rim, to name but two of his current duties as right-hand-Sith to the Emperor.

*And* he added, as he looked towards Aisling and Beth dressed to the nines and behaving themselves for once. *I've still got to figure out what to do with that pair of…* he paused. They _were_ behaving themselves. They weren't giggling at obscene jokes and they weren't cracking them either. They weren't singing, outrageously flirting or drinking with abandon either. They were simply making polite chitchat with the few nobles and officers who still dared to go near them, while the rest of the Court cast suspicious eyes towards them. And they were _smiling_!

Vader started to look around the Hall, his hand automatically going to the lightsaber on his belt. They had something planned, he knew it. Now to figure out what it was and stop it before it happened.

Even as the realization of their scheming crystallized in his mind, Vader, through the Force, felt a strange group approach the hall, though the reason for their strangeness didn't show itself until the doors at the other end opened and six men ran in quick succession through the Court. 

Bare-ass naked.

Several screams were heard as courtiers fainted and "young eyes" were covered –most were very quickly uncovered again by the owners of those eyes- as the men ran through, although there were several who started hooting and cheering. Discretely of course. Two men cartwheeled for a while and one ran on his hands while another contented himself with jumping up and down in front of a group while shouting, "Do I make you horny baby?" 

It was over quickly as they sprinted through the hall but before leaving they all turned and hollered back into the room, "Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny baby?!" then raced off, their laughter tapering off into the distance.

There was a stunned silence for all of five seconds. Then a muffled snort was heard and all eyes were turned to where Bethany Walsh and Aisling O' Conner were having fits on the floor, hands clamped over their mouths, faces red and tears streaming down their cheeks. 

 'Vader,' Palpatine said quietly. 'Those two are to be dealt with, understand?'

 'It will be my pleasure master,' Vader rumbled and he started to go off to do just that, then he paused and turned back as if just remembering something.

From her helpless state of giggles on the ground, Aisling could just about make out Vader leaning close to Palpatine, as if to whisper something to the Emperor. She knew that she should be worried from the evil sneer on Palpatine face when Vader was finished, but the memory of "Do I make you horny baby?" was too much and she was struck by a new attack of the giggles.

 ' "Look at my sexy body," ' Beth murmured, Scottish accent an' all, provoking near blackouts for both girls.

Vader strode though towards them, the courtiers melting from his path. He reached over, caught both by the ear and dragged them out, their cries of protest still mingled with laughter.

 When the doors closed behind the trio with a resounding bang, the entire Court let out a spontaneous resounding cheer.

*~*

The two girls looked up at Vader expectantly. Her had dragged them halfway through the Palace, went into a deserted room and threw them in, closing the door behind him.

 'You two,' he growled ominously. 'Have exhausted both mine and the Emperor's patience.'

 'Is that bad?' Beth asked brightly, before he could continue. 

 'Relatively,' Aisling answered, seesawing her hand sideways in mid-air as if hazarding a guess. 

 'And that means?' But before Aisling could reply, Vader picked both of them up with the Force, lifted them a few feet straight up and let them fall onto the floor.

 'What was that for?' Aisling grumbled, rubbing her hip.

 'The Emperor and I,' Vader snapped, feeling that he'd lost the initiative. 'Are sick to the back teeth of your antics.'

 'Took longer then I thought it would,' Beth shrugged. 

 'We're sending you home!' Vader roared in frustration. The two girls blinked at him. 'You are going home at the earliest possible time and you are staying there.' Aisling and Beth looked at each other, confused. Hadn't they screwed up the nav-computer on the _Avenger_? 

 'Home?' Beth whispered. 'We're going home?' There was a malicious glint in her eye that Aisling knew well and she grinned. 'I wanna go home!' she yelled. 'And I wanna go now!'

 'You are going tomorrow,' Vader told them.

 'I'm gonna see "The Chamber of Secrets" ' Beth crowed. 'And get to read "Order of the Phoenix." '

 'And I get to see "Attack of the Clones" again!' Aisling cried, jumping up and doing a happy dance. 'And find out what happens in Episode Three! WOOHOOOO!!'

 'We're going home!' both girls cried, running to Vader and hugging him. Or attempting to at least, seeing as the Sith Lord had retreated through the door sharpish as soon as they started towards him.

After he had gone, Aisling and Beth calmed down, and looked at each other.

 'Now what?' Beth wondered. Aisling shrugged.

 'I guess,' she said slowly. 'We gotta say good-bye to a lot of people.' Beth glanced at her friend who was staring up at the ceiling, a completely innocent look on her face, the one that always warns of mischief.

 'Yes, we do,' she agreed. 'Palpatine for one.'

 'Xizor for another.'

 'And of course Vader.'

 'Yes.'

There was a moment's silence, before they both giggled evilly and began hatching plans.

An hour later, they emerged from the small room and were successfully hiding the evil smirks and chuckles as they went about laying the foundations of their schemes.

Oh they were going alright. But with a bang.

*~*         

 'You're going?'

 'Tomorrow, so we thought that you might like to come out with us tonight, you know a farewell kinda thing.'

 'Who else?'

 'Daala in town?'

 'No, off on a mission.'

 'Then it's just you Beth and me. Sound good?'

 'Sounds great. Nine o' clock okay?'

 'Yep. We'll be at your place for nine. See you tonight.'

 'See you then.'

*~*

Beth glanced into one of the numerous halls in the Palace. The computer's sensors placed her target as being in the area of this hall. She moved a bag from one hand to the other and scanned the crowd, looking for a certain tall green-skinned individual.

 'Gotcha,' she muttered, a half-smile half-grimace twisting her lip. She brushed her hair back off her face and strode towards the unsuspecting Faleen Prince.

He was preoccupied with an attractive blond female when Beth came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He glanced around vaguely, then did a double-take.

 'Miss Walsh,' he said politely, discretely moving himself away from the line of fire. 'Long time no see. Is there, anything that I can help you with?'

 'I hope so,' Beth replied shortly. She reached into the bag and Xizor set himself up to run for it. But she pulled out a plastic open-ended tube with a kind of pump at one end a blue and yellow flag on the side instead of the high-powered blaster he was expecting. She handed the contraption to the perplexed Faleen. The blonde leaned forward slightly.

 'What is that?' she asked, though she had a faint suspicion.

 'His Swedish-made penis enlarger,' Beth answered offhandedly. She continued rummaging in the bag, oblivious to the gathering crowd, the blonde's sudden interest in the door or Xizors skin tone going from green to a kind of red.

 'But this isn't mine,' he protested, shoving the thing back at her. 

 'Oh yes it is,' Beth told him. 'That things been at my place for the last week and since you didn't pick it up, I thought I'd better give it to you myself. After all' she continued. 'It's not like you don't need it.'

 'How could I have left it at your place when it's not mine?' he hissed, getting more embarrassed and therefore more pissed off by the moment.

In answer Beth pulled a few pieces of paper from her bag and read them aloud. 

 'Receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Prince Xizor of the Faleen.'

 'But it's not mine! I don't even know how it's used!'

 'Instructions for the use of the Swedish-made penis enlarger with notes in the hand-writing of Prince Xizor of the Faleen.'

 'They're forgeries!' Xizor protested hotly, keenly aware of both the sudden lack of attractive female blonde by his side and the muffled sniggering coming from the crowd that had gathered around them. 'I demand an explanation!' As if oblivious to the Faleen Princes protest, Beth pulled the last of the items from the bag.

 'And a book,' she continued, showing the cover which had Xizor looking all officious and prideful holding a certain item in plain view. 'Called, "It's a Swedish made penis enlarger, no explanations needed" written by, Prince Xizor of the Faleen." ' She threw the book suddenly and Xizor reflexively caught it, to the evil delight of the spectators.

 'Now,' Beth said, brushing her hands off. 'That's that sorted. I'll see you around.' 

Xizor gaped at her back as she left the hall, and then stared at the item in his hands before chucking it in the rubbish chute in as obvious a manner as he could manage before striding from the hall with his dignity hanging in tatters. But he noted the number of the chute and made a mental note to send a droid to retrieve it later.

Oblivious to this twist, Beth was scampering back towards the apartment she shared with Aisling. Now that was done, she had to get ready to go out!

 *Girls nights out just rock!*

*~*

While all this was going on, Aisling was busy enough h herself.

She strolled out of the last store with two full bags weighing down each hand. Throwing them into the speeders cargo hold, she set off for the Palace in double-quick time.

Back in her apartment, "borrowed" a courier droid and placed in its care a certain sealed box which contained all the items she had bought on her spree. She keyed in its destination and put it in report mode, before sending it on its way.

About half-an-hour later, the droid returned. Thanks to its software and very nature, it had been able to by-pass the security blocks and enters the intended apartment, deposit it's package and then returned to her. Aisling paid the fee with a smirk and let the droid out.

 'Mission accomplished?' Beth asked, walking into the flat.

 'Done and dusted. You?' Beth chuckled and headed for her room.

 'Concluded as expected.'

Aisling giggled evilly and went to get ready herself. After all. It just wasn't good manners to keep an Emperors Hand waiting.

*~*

 'What's that one?'

 'Which one?'

 'Third row, fourth from the left. The other left!'

 'Er, Old Overcoat.'

 'Three of them please.'

 'Is that all?' the bartender asked, pushing the large and clinkingly full tray towards the woman. 

 'For now,' Beth replied, taking the tray and carefully walking towards the pool table where she'd left her companions. 'Alright my girls,' she said, setting the tray down at a table. 'We are gonna have a good night tonight!'

 'Who's forking out for all this?' Mara asked, eyeing the over-spilling tray of shots with appreciative anticipation. 'Cos there definitely ain't enough money in the kitty for that lot.'

 'The Empire's footing the bill,' Beth said airily, setting up the shots in lines. 'Who else?'

 'Really? How'd you manage that?'

 'Moaning,' Aisling replied.

 'Bitching,' Beth added.

 'Whining.'

 'Guilt tripping.'

 'And when all else failed, the old.' Aisling looked upwards through her lashes and put on a shy smile. ' "You know I never really knew how much you meant to me" routine always works a treat.'

 'With one exception,' Beth pointed out, handing her friend her first shot. Aisling looked at her quizzically.

  'Really? When? 1,2,3.' The three women knocked their drinks back at the same time and three shot glasses slammed on to the table in unison.

 'That time in town,' Beth told her. 'When you wanted to skip the queue to the bar?'

 'What?' Mara said laughed. 'There's a story here!'

 'Oh gods,' Aisling murmured, a look of astonishment crossing her face. 'I had completely forgotten that.' Then she groaned. 'Oh _gods_  I had completely forgotten that. Thanks a lot Beth!'

 'Any time,' Beth said, smirking at the black look sent her way. 'We were out on the town,' she told Mara Jade as Aisling grabbed her next drink and handed the others theirs. Three heads went back, three glasses slammed down. 'And we were on this niteclub. Music blaring, people dancing, finers galore, you know a bloody great night. Then Aisling decides that she wants a drink but doesn't want to queue for an hour for it.'

 'The place was packed,' Aisling took up. 'And people were five deep at the bar. Would you want to queue for it?'

 'I see your point,' Mara agreed, taking up the third line of shots and handing them out. 

 'Good,' Aisling smirked. 'Anyway, I started chatting up this lad and got him to go to the bar for me.'

 'Did you offer to pay for yours?' Mara asked. Aisling looked insulted.

 'Well since I asked for a pint and a double shot yes,' she retorted. 'I wasn't gonna cheat the lad and fleece him as well, but he wouldn't take the money.' She threw back her shot and the other two followed her example.

 'I still can't believe you would've paid for it,' Beth giggled, getting giddy from the shots, which by the way were double. 'I wouldn't have.'

 'Which could be why I'm me and you're you,' Aisling replied and hiccupped. Somehow the others saw this as insanely hilarious and they burst out laughing.

 'Anyway,' Mara sighed when they had recovered. 'What happened then?'

 'Well he went to get the drinks and I went back on the pull.'

 'Oh you didn't!'

 'Of course I did.' Aisling eyed her fourth and final shot but apparently decided against it for a while. 'The reason why I went after him was to get me drinks, that was it, the only reason. There was a niteclub full of men, most them fine and I was single. You really expect me _not_ to have gone back on the hunt?'

 'Not really,' Mara shrugged. 'Just thought I'd object for morality's sake. Aisling made a comment about exactly what she could do with morality and where that made the group of eavesdroppers at the next table exchange shocked looks and her two companions nod sagely.

 'Anyhoo,' Beth took the story back up again as she picked up the fourth shots, the Old Overcoat, and handed them out. 'I wasn't there for most of this you understand. We normally split up when we get into a club, we cover more ground that way.'

 'Isn't that dangerous?'

 'Nah, we keep an eye out for each other,' Aisling explained.

 'But I got back to Aisling just before the guy showed back up, set of drinks in hand,' Beth said

 'And she took my shot,' Aisling grumbled. 'My double shot that I'd been looking forward to the whole night.'

 'I gave you one for it,' Beth pointed out.

 'But it's the principle of thing!'

 'Back to the story!' Mara said, before they got completely sidetracked.

 'As I was saying,' cue look at Aisling, 'the guy shows up, hands her the drinks, alright _drink_, and just stands there, sipping at his.'

 'And?' Mara prompted.

 'And he wouldn't go away,' Aisling wailed. 'he kept following us no matter where we went. And this was early in the night so he was tagging along all dammed night!'

 'We finished our drinks and went onto the dance floor,' Beth said, when the three shot glasses had been drained and slammed down. 'And guess who started dancing beside us?'

 'Beside us?' Aisling growled. 'A bit more than _beside_ us.'

 'Alright, damn near on top of us,' Beth acknowledged as Aisling had a cringe fit and gulped down a third of her pint. 'For the whole night, this guy would not go away.'

 'Eventually I shifted him,' Aisling said with a slight shudder. 'I had to! He just wouldn't take the hint! We told him to go away, bugger off _and_ get the fuck away from us but would he leave?!'

 'Did it do any good?' Mara asked.

 'That depends on your definition of 'good,' ' Beth said. 'If by 'good' you mean the result you wanted and him leaving us alone, then no. Hell no actually.'

 'What then?'

 'Called a couple of bouncers,' Aisling smirked. 'Had them have a 'talk' with him, seemed to solve the problem.'

 'Couldn't do it yourself no?' Mara taunted.

 'And loose all the sympathy points from the other lads?' Aisling looked at her strangely. 'Are you mad?' 

Right about this point, a group approached the pool table where they were rather lazily playing pool and made to take over the table.

 'Back off,' Beth snapped. 

 'You're not using it,' one protested.

 'That's not the point,' Aisling told them, which seemed to confuse them a little bit.

 'Then what is the point?' another asked.

 'This is our damn table and it will stay our damn table until we don't want it to be our damn table anymore,' Mara said in a low voice and a smile. The group looked at each other, looked at the three women  and decided to look elsewhere.

 'That was fun,' Aisling said as the group wandered off. She looked at the pool table. 'whose turn?'

 'Mine,' Mara said.

Later.

 'You have got to be kidding me!'

 'I am not, I swear that is what happened. I walked in and there was Palpatine trying out the latest dance moves in front of a mirror!' The three nearly fell off their stools with the laughter that image invoked. 'And,' Mara gasped. 'And it bore a strong resemblance to that one you two had the troopers dancing, the Macaroon or something.'

 'The Macarena!' Aisling squealed. 'No!'

 'Oh my Gods,' Beth gasped. 'Palpatine dancing the Macarena. Oh that is gonna haunt me!' 

 'Haunt _you_?' Mara cried. 'You're not the one that walked in on it!' 

 'And speaking of walking in,' Aisling murmured, her eyes tracking something, or someone. 'Do excuse me,' she said slipping from her stool and disappearing. Beth took out a piece of paper in preparation.

 'What's the score?' Mara asked after a while.

 'Aislings ahead of me by.' Beth glanced up as Aisling sauntered back and winked. 'Two,' she said, making another mark in a certain column. 'And I'm ahead of you by three.'

 'Right,' Mara said, gulping the last of her pint. 'Back in five,' she said heading off into the crowd. The other two cheered her on loudly. 

 'Hey, live band,' Beth said, glancing towards the back of the bar. They were between the door and the bar itself, the best vantage point in other words. 'Wonder if they're any good.'

 'We'll find out soon enough,' Aisling shrugged. Then she shuddered and groaned.

 'What?'

 'I was trying to get the image of Palpatine doing the Macarena out of my head, and Vader doing the Twist appeared.'

 'Greased Lightening,' Beth told her. 'That's what popped into my mind.'

 'You mean you have a mind?'

 'Oh you funny funny little bitch you.'

 'Your sarcasm is killing me,' Aisling said in a monotone.

 'Really? How painfully?'

Mara Jade rejoined them and sat back up on her stool with a sly smirk. She took the paper from Beth made a correction to her column and handed it back. Beth's eyebrow rose.

 'How did you manage that?'

 'Smashball team,' Mara replied. 'Which means, if I recall the rules of the game correctly, you gotta buy the next round Beth.'

 'But,' Beth protested, eying the queue. 

 'Oh quit stalling,' Aisling said. 'Empty glasses need a-fillin.' Jump to it.'

 'Oh, go jump yourself,' Beth grumbled, heading for the bar with ill-grace. 

 'Smashball team huh?' Aisling said, scanning the crowd.

 'Yep.'

 'Sweet.'

 'Should we go pay a visit?' Mara asked after a while. Aisling looked at her, then smiled slowly.

 'I think we should.'

 'Shall we go?'

 'Of course we shall.'

After retrieving Beth, they found the Smashball team.

Enough said. 

*~*

 ' "An after, four rounds of Jose Cuero," ' a slurred voice sang.

 ' "Oh tequila, it makes me happy," ' another one was heard singing at the same time.

 ' "Bring me two Pina Coladas," ' sang a third in unison with the other two.

The stormtroopers doing rounds through the Palace would have exchanged long-suffering looks if they could have. So instead, they pretended to ignore the staggering three-headed six-legged three-voiced creature that stumbled uncertainly past.

 'Troopers!' a voice shouted. 'Stop walking and start marching!' The three women stopped and one put her hands on her hips as she roared at them. 'On the double! One-two one-two one-TWO! _Lift those feet_!!' The troopers heeded the commands with terrified obedience. Within seconds they'd one-two'd out of sight.

 'Most impressive,' Mara Jade remarked and burped discretely. 'Where are we?'

 'Somewhere inside the palace?' Beth offered, leaning against the wall. Aisling yawned and stretched.

 'What time is it?; she sighed.

 'Um, big han' at seven an' lil han' at six,' Beth mumbled, squinting at her watch.

 'Twenty-five to six?' Mara translated, swaying ever-so-slightly despite her rigid self-control. 'I'm off to bed. Or a shower even,' she amended, remembering her seven a.m. start.

 'Coffee,' Aisling groaned, stifling another yawn. Beth was dozing against the wall. 'I'd better get this one home while she's still semi-conscious.'

 'You need a hand?'

 'No thanks,' Aisling said, hauling Beth back to her feet. 'The Emperor probably will though, ' she muttered with a half-smirk as Mara strolled off. 'Before the day is out.'  

Aisling frogmarched Beth to the nearest elevator and keyed in the floor wanted. Then she opened the access panel and rerouted some wires.

 'Done?' Beth murmured.

 'Done,' Aisling replied, completing the last circuit and replacing the panel. They both glanced to the doors, which opened as the elevator paused. They stepped out quickly as the doors closed again almost on their heels and the elevator continued on to its original destination.

 'Sure that wont show on records?' Beth asked, stretching.

 'Positive. Now, where'd we put the stuff?'

 'Here,' Beth said, retrieving a bag from inside a compartment set in the floor. 'Off we go.'

While they had drunk as much as they had shown they were nowhere near as drunk as they let on. They had plied both Mara and themselves with drink but thanks to a kind of anti-alcohol serum they had 'persuaded' the medics to give them they weren't even tipsy, though they made it look like they were in the same state as Mara Jade herself who in reality was off her face. Which could be why they were both walking soundlessly down the corridor and avoiding sentry droid with ease.

They stopped outside a certain door.

 'Ready?' Aisling murmured. Beth nodded, ready. Aisling opened the door and they slipped inside.

They both knew the flats layout well, which was a very good thing since the door closing behind them had shut out the light and plunged the room back into pitch darkness.

Harsh, artificial breathing came from one of the rooms and Beth started giggling out of sheer nervousness. Aisling clamped a hand over her mouth.

 'If he catches us,' she told her quietly. 'He'll kill us, properly this time.'

 'I can't help it,' Beth hissed. 'I just got an image of him curled up in bed holding his teddy and sucking his thumb. And I cant make it go away!'

There was silence for a moment after this statement, then a noise like a muffled snort.

 'Oh you bitch,' Aisling cried, indistinctly since her hands were now clamped over her own mouth in an effort to muffle the noise. 'Now I've got an image.'

 'But cant you just see it?' Beth giggled in a low voice. 'All tucked up in beddy-byes with a cute little teddy and his thumb jammed in his mouth.' Both girls nearly choked trying to hold in the howls of laughter that this picture invoked.

 'Yeah,' Aisling somehow managed to say. 'A cute little teddy bear with a black visor.' Beth was holding one hand over her nose and mouth trying to stay quiet and the other hand over her aching ribs trying to stop them from bursting. Aisling had both hands over her nose and mouth and was in serious danger of blacking out. 'And, and, and, a _nightlight_!.' There were twin faint thuds as they fell to the floor, still fighting desperately to keep from giving themselves away.

 'Come on now,' Aisling said when it seemed like the worst was over. 'We've got work to do.' 

*~*

 'Oh, dammetophyte,' Aisling spat venomously. 'I can't believe I forgot about these guys.' They were standing near Palpatines quarters. They had left Vaders apartment about ten minutes before and had nearly run into one of the Imperial Guards. It wasn't until then that Aisling, self-declared know-all of the Star Wars Universe, remembered about the Emperors intensely fanatical, excessively trained and ruthlessly brutal personal bodyguards.

 'What can they do?' Beth asked offhandedly. And when Aisling explained, in detail, what these guys can do will do and like doing as often as possible she said, 'Oh.' 

 'Aisling,' Beth said after a moment, an idea forming in her brain. 'You may want to hold your breath.'

 'Huh?' Aisling asked, before she saw Beth stride forward purposely and then it twigged. 'Oh gods Beth, let me put on a gas mask at least!'

When Beth emerged again a couple of minutes later she gave the thumbs-up signal and Aisling followed tentatively. Where there had been Imperial Guards standing guard outside the Emperors chambers, there were now Imperial Guards lying unconscious outside the Emperors chambers. Aisling pulled a face and buried her nose and mouth in the cloth of her jumper.

 'Do I want to know what you ate today?' she asked, her voice muffled. 

 'Nope,' Beth replied airily. 'So are we gonna do this or what?'

Yeah, I know the night out bit is nowhere as good as the last time I had them out, but I tried! 

However, I would now like everyone to know something that I've hidden for as long as I could.

Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord is ending.

The next chapter will be it's last.

I'm so very sorry.

All I can say *sigh* is that the end will be memorable.

Please return for the *muffled sob* concluding chapter of  "Two Lunatics and Sith Lord"

Thank you.


	26. Pink silk and facials!

Yes, I'm afraid the rumours and whispers are true. This is the last chapter of Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. And so must this. And it is. Which you knew. Okay then. Moving on.  
  
Have to admit to being touched by the amount of reviews for this fic. And all the reviews that consisted of people yelling various things to the tune of "No! This cant end!" from the last chapter. I hadn't realized that so many people enjoyed this to that extent. I thought that a few people thought it worth an occasional giggle or two and reviewed a lot. So thank you. Thank you all.   
  
Now, *puts away the tissue* for the last time, here are the dedications.though there's a helluva lot more to do than any other chapter, I've decided to be nice and do it properly. *looks at list and groans, sighs and rolls up sleeves* *over shoulder* Put the kettle on, I'll be here for a while! Enter a "Thank you so much you rule forever! *hug* " whenever you see this sign ^_^  
Baru-chan: In the sequel! I promise it'll be in the sequel! *looks around guiltily* Er, not that there will be, um, yeah. Thank you but no it wont be like that. And it wont be up to me either. Um, cant say anymore. Thanks. I'll go and read it, *looks at watch* soon! ^_^  
Jira: About? Kinda need to narrow it down a bit so I can help you get over the confuzzlement. ; ) ^_^  
Yoda the Tenth: Thank you. Well, I'm sorry but it has to end. Was that sarcastic? *ponders* I'm gonna take it at face value and say yes! I'm always happy! ^_^  
Jedi-jianafel: O_o Er, yeah. Well as long as you're happy I guess. Here you go *throws another years supply of green stim powder to ladyrouge* It's SUPPOSED to be a YEARS supply, try and make it last five minutes this time! ^_^  
Aleena Kenobi: Really? *smile* Thank you. And good luck to you Aleena Kenobi. And, er, you'll see? ^_^  
Annoying Brat: Hyper Cloud, deadly! I have no idea, but never mind. Yeah you do, you can re-read it and re-read it and… I get your point. Never mind, you'll have something else to live for, soon. Um. *Reads rest of review looks around suspiciously* Have you been reading my mind? If you have, stay outta there! If you haven't, it's just too spooky for words. Get up! ^_^  
Drama_Princess87: Er, yes I can because that's what being the author means, *strikes dramatic pose* TO-TAL POWAH!! *smile* Aww, you'll find another story! *sniggers*! Get up! I know I'm your mentor but really! ^_^  
Little Hyena: yeah, sorry about that. Umm, possibility. ^_^  
Merrymoll: Yay, you wont die of asphixiation and so can read and review the last chapt!! yay! I know, there'll probably be a major party going on as soon as they leave. ^_^  
Christine: I know, a double edgedf sword aint it? I tried, but if I failed tell me about it and I will find you! ^_^  
Jaina Skywalker: Really? You'd be amazed at how much you can cram when you really want it to. Thank you, but I know but its not my fault that Im fantastic! : ^_^  
Jay-Cee; Yes I know! It's nearly scary and oh-so cool. I'm sure he'll find something else to occupy his time, strangling officers and the like. St. Annes? Bloody Ballinasloe more like! You're gonna have to! ^_^  
Amaris Sandstone: Thats great, tell them to join the queue, but you might want to warn them that all complaints wiull be sent to Beth. ^_^  
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^  
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^  
Lady Umbra: I'm sorry!! It has to end!! Not doing so is just prolonging the agony. *hands Lady Umbra a packet of tissues* ^_^!  
Me!: *sighs, hands Me! another packet of tissues* I'm sorry, but it does. Thank you. ^_^  
Dragonlet: My Gods people please stop for breath! I can and I am! Hey that rhymes! Yeah, the idea just appeared in my head in the middle of a maths lecture. No prizes for guessing who everyone turned around to look at! Er, not me! I'm not writing it! I mean, what sequel?! Etc etc ad infinitum means on and on till eternity. ^_^  
Sage of Dreams the Duranie: *hands out yet another packet of tissues and wonders when she can get to the shops next* I know! Talking to Jay-Cee does have its advantages sometimes! ^_^  
Wedge Antilles: Do tell me when you make up your mind, k? And since you were so pleased, here! *hands Wedge Antilles another four years supply of green powder* So now you can spend five years permanently hyper!! I tried, but if I failed, I'm sorry! ^_^  
Baru-chan (again) : You smart girl you! Yes that's how they're going home, but since when does anything happen as expected in this or any of my other fics? *smirk* Aww! You poor thing! And you still reviewed! *sniff, tear* I feel appreciated!! Have some more green powder! ^_^ ^_^   
Me!! (again) ; I'm sorry! But it's ending! And it's all the more incentive to the other authors to come up with something just as funny aint it? *smirk* As if it's even possible! ; ) ^_^  
Yumyumkittysnax: Okay, no worries. Thank you! ^_^  
Andy: Yep, fraid so. And er, okay, um. Um, later? ^_^  
Godforsaken: yes, it is. *hands out last packet of tissues* sure why not. ^_^  
Wedge Antilles (again) : It's sorted. ^_^  
Princess Shinra: Thank you. yes, enjoy the green powder! ^_^  
Insane Dragoness: (looks at name) I like you already! Breathe!! Dying from oxygen loss doesnt put reviews on my stats page! Thank you!! *ego doubles* ^_^  
Biblehermione: i'm so sorry!! ^_^  
Dragonlet (again): yeah, did you get my email? If you didnt, use all you likejust send her back in enough of one piece to count.^_^  
Lovie: thank you!! ^_^  
Yoda the tenth: Okay! ^_^  
(blank): *counts identical reviews* yay someone appreciates me!! (X4)  
Dragonlet(again): My triumph! Dont you dare ruin my moment by telling me about someone elses! ^_^  
Smenzer: Yay, you took the time to read this crap! How?! *reads review and beams madly* thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
Drama_Princess87: I know! It's not my fault! The blasted connection lead is screwed beyound belief and the reason that its going up now is cos I managed to stay at Jay-cees! I'm sorry! ^_^   
  
  
Oh dear gods! So many people want a sequel. *glances nonchantly at fellow genius and friend Jay-Cee* I wonder what can be done? *smirk*, I am a bitch.here, again for the last time, is the last but not least instalment of Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!!!  
*sob*  
  
Vader stared gloomily at the Playstation.What was he supposed to do now? The game was finished and he know knew how to defeat the Last Lord, so how was he supposed to fill up his hours now? He glanced over at the overflowing desk of datapads wafer-disks and flimsiplasts, but rejected that suggestion out of hand. He was far too busy doing real work to bother with the dammed paperwork that seemed to multiply whenever his back was turned.  
Half-heartedly, he set up the machine again. But somehow, knowing that he could finish it took all the enjoyment out of it and he turned it back off again.  
The night before, he had interrupted Beth and Aisling in their getting-ready-to-go-out ritual and had nearly got thrown out on his arse for it. But once he explained the situation, Beth had gone back with him to fix the problem. So now he knew how to defeat the Last Lord.He tried unsuccessfully to forget the pairs muffled sniggers when they found out that he still hadn't been able to finish the game. Being told "even stupid here could finish it in two days!" meaning Beth, didn't help too much. Neither did watching Beth effortlessly reach the last stage and, in three moves while barely watching the screen, thoroughly beat the Last Lord to a bloody pulp.other words, Vader wasn't feeling much like his usual Sithly self.   
A knock on the door jerked him from his reverie and he got up to see who it was.and Beth stood there with a package in Beth's hand.  
'Just in case you manage to get bored without us around,' she said, holding it out to him. He took it automatically.  
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'It's not good having a Sith Lord around with nothing to do, people start getting nervous.'   
Vader looked at the package like a ten-stone weakling would look at an enraged stampeding herd of Gondark. *Sweet Force* he thought dimly. *What have I just grabbed hold of if they think it's entertaining?*   
'Thanks,' he managed at last. 'I, er, appreciate it.'  
'No problem,' Beth nodded and beamed. 'Shall we get a move on?' she said to Aisling.  
'Yeah,' Aisling answered. 'We've still a lot of packing to do,' she said to Vader. 'So we'll see you later, yeah?'  
'Yeah,' Vader replied. 'See you then.'  
With a wave and a few smiles they were gone again, leaving Vader to wonder whether he should risk investigating the present.  
As he turned around and went back into his flat, his eye fell on a small inconspicuous parcel on the floor near the desk.*Where did that come out of?* He couldn't remember seeing it before, though since it was placed at the end of the paperwork desk, it could have been there for the last year and a half and he just never went near enough to see it. He gave it a quick going-over with the Force, to make sure that it wasn't about to blow up or anything then left it alone and turned his attention back to the package in his hand.  
He went back to his chair and sat down, turning the rectangular box over, looking for a clue to its contents. Finally, he got the courage up to rip off the covering and discover what was inside.  
Less than five minutes later, he was on the Playstation completely absorbed in the screen in front of him, the cover of Final Fantasy VIII lying beside him.  
Which was one of the reasons why, when Palpatine finally got through to him, the Emperor was even less pleased than his usual mood.  
*~*  
Aisling and Beth were packing their stuff ready for transportation back home. Or to be more accurate, supervising the packing of their stuff by even-more-luckless-than-usual troopers.  
'Did you notice he was wearing the cloak?' Beth murmured.  
'Yep.'  
'Wonder if he's noticed the back yet?'  
'I doubt it, someone would need to point it out to him and no-ones that suicidal.'  
'When do you think?'  
'Soon enough I'd say, when Palpatine starts hollering blue murder.'  
'Wish I could see it.'   
There was a reflective moment and they remembered the night before.  
'I have a feeling we will.'  
'I wonder,' Beth said after a while.  
'Mmm?'  
'How did you talk Vader into letting us take all our stuff home with us as opposed to the Empire confiscating it and studying it in preparation for the imminent invasion of Earth?'  
'Pointed out that it was stuff like the videos, games, drinks, junk food and other assorted things that made us the way we are.'  
'And reminded him of just how much the Galactic Empire needs a whole new pack of people like us running around?'  
'Yep.'  
'Did it work?'   
They stepped out of the way as three troopers staggered past each, buckling under the weight of their respective burdens.  
'I have a suspicion that it may have had an effect but I'm not sure.'  
'Oh, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.'  
*~*  
*Dare I ask?* Vader wondered, staring at the Emperor. He, Vader,wasn't in the best of moods anymore either. Once he had gotten over a massive headache -a direct result of Palpatines psychically biting his head off- enough to walk straight he had hurried over to the Emperors quarters. That route had taken him through nearly deserted corridors and walkways, but somehow, he had managed to turn everybody speechless. This in itself wasn't such a rare phenomenon; it was the desperately checked giggles and sniggers when someone thought that he was out of earshot that was new. At one point, he had ridden an elevator up five levels with three troopers and an officer. Being the superior, they had squashed themselves into the back wall to give him three foot of clear space. Such respect he was used to, it came with the job. But by the time he had stepped out, he had the distinct impression that they were all about to dissolve. At the time he hadn't taken too much notice of the strangeness of it, a migraine and an Emperor roaring at you in your head will leave you distracted, but now that he'd had time to think and Palpatine had resorted to his voice at last, he spotted the discrepancy.  
*Were they laughing at me?* he wondered absently. *They wouldn't have dared. Would they have?*   
'Are you listening to me?!' Palpatine yelled. 'I want an example made of them! Of their entire planet! I want everything on that ball of rock to be cooked alive and then the whole solar system to be sent into the heart of its sun! I want them annihilated! Destroyed!! Torn from the records and forcibly eradicated!!' The wrinkly old fist slammed into the arm of his throne-like chair several times during this frenzied monologue.   
Vader remained stoically silent, as he always did during the Emperors fits of rage.In truth, his silence was partly because, in the back of his mind was the nagging sensation that the red-robed Imperial Guards behind him were silently laughing at him, and partly because he was trying to keep a lid on his own mirth. Various members of his personal medical staff, that lone fist being the only thing he could move without having to make someone get out of the way first, were swamping Palpatine. One was holding a bucket of warm water, one a dry cloth and the rest were attempting to sponge/scrape/dig a green dried-on substance off/out of the skin of the Emperors face. Apparently he had woken up with the stuff on then strode through his rooms and found that someone had rendered his guards unconscious. Vader glanced to where two small disks of pale green, soft vegetable matter with darker green around the circumference were lying where the Emperor had thrown them. He had woken up with them placed over his eyes.  
'They are deliberately attacking my authority!' Palpatine ranted on. Vader silently agreed; they'd been attacking their authority since he'd walked into the house back on that Force-forsaken planet.  
Finally, the group clustered around the Emperor dispersed and disappeared. Palpatine stayed sitting in the chair, staring darkly at Vader.  
*His face wasn't that saggy before, was it?* Vader couldn't held himself from staring at the way Palpatines face seemed to have dropped by about four inches. *And what in all the Sith hells happened to his eyebrows?!*  
'They are,' Palpatine began in a quiet, menace-filled voice. 'To be sent back to the miserable planet where they came from. The coordinates are to be sent to every ship in the fleet. That planet is to be rendered into molecules within seventy-two hours. solar system within ninety-four. Do I make myself clear, Vader?'  
'Yes Master,' Vader rumbled, bowing. 'It shall be done as you wish.' Palpatine made a gesture, Vader took to hint to leave, and turned to do so.At the door, Palpatine called to him again.   
'Yes Master?' Vader asked, turning back. Palpatine had a strange expression on his face, like he didn't know whether to laugh or go spare.  
'Why do you wear pink underwear?'  
'Master?'  
Something in Palpatines expression made him take off his cloak and look at the back.said, in giant bleached letters, "I Wear Pink Underwear. Ask Me Why"  
*~*  
Aisling looked around the bare rooms of their apartment that she and Beth had lived in for the last few weeks. The troopers, under their supervision, had made a thorough job.   
Beth walked out of what was her bedroom and closed the door behind her.  
'Guess we'd better go huh?' she said.  
'Yeah,' Aisling began, then paused as a loud roar that sounded suspiciously like their names echoed through the Palace and cut off ominously.  
'And we'd better go now,' Aisling said in the quiet, after a shocked moment. 'Right now.'  
'While we still can kinda thing?' Beth asked, eyeing the door.  
'You can put it that way, yes.'They looked at each other, then raced for the door.  
*~*  
Palpatine looked towards the door as Vader strode in, gripping Aislings left ear in his right fist and Beth right ear in his left. The two were walking on their tiptoes; their heads at odd angles as Vader was pulling them upwards and it was either follow the fist or leave their ears in it.   
'Sweet Force Vader!' Aisling snapped as she stumbled and the Dark Lord yanked upwards. 'You're worse than Connie!'  
'Here they are Master,' Vader said, ignoring her. He shoved them forwards suddenly and let go.   
'Hey,' Beth said, somehow managing to keep her balance. 'How was the face-mask Palpy?'  
'Oh.' Aisling looked at the increasingly enraged Emperor. 'So that's why you look so damn ugly in Episode five.'  
In between the time when they heard Vader go spare and the time he caught them, they had decided to go for broke. So far it was having the desired results.  
'Silence!' Palpatine yelled and shot a bolt of Force-lightening at them. They jumped out of the way.  
'Take it easy!' Beth snapped.   
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'Someone might get hurt.'  
Vader made a small movement of his hand and both girls' heads rocked forward as if someone had given them a belt.  
'Ow!' they cried in unison. 'Vader!'  
Palpatine looked at them and made a gesture to the side.  
'I take it you have seen our new device,' he said quietly.  
'New?' Aisling said, frowning.   
Beth, eyes fixed on something, tugged on her sleeve.  
'You know all of the Star Wars thingies, right?' she asked, as if distracted.  
'Most, why?' She followed her friends pointing hand. 'Oh.'  
Right in the centre of the room was a machine made up of two holo-transmitters, one set about eight foot above the other with leads and ribbon-tape running to what was obviously a control panel.  
'Know what that is?' Beth asked.  
Aisling looked two where troopers were finishing staking their stuff on and around the bottom transmitter.  
'No,' she answered truthfully. 'That's new.' She saw what was obviously an add-on piece, a device that was mainly made up of a screen with rows of noughts on it, and got a bad feeling about the whole thing. 'But I could hazard a fair guess.'  
'Yeah,' Beth murmured. 'Me too.'  
Palpatine waited until they looked suitably full of dread.  
'Marvellous isn't it?' he said. 'You say a place and push a button and there you arrive.' He wandered over to it. 'And this little gadget,' he continued, resting a hand on the add-on piece. 'Records the co-ordinates and plots a course automatically.' He strode slowly to them. 'Amazing, what technology can do these days, isn't it?'  
They looked at him, the device, each other then back at the device again.  
'Fascinating,' Aisling croaked. 'May we have a moment?'   
Palpatine smiled coldly and for the first time in a long time, neither girl could think of a thing to say.  
'You'll have all the time you need when you get home,' he whispered, dispelling the last shred of doubt. 'Before my fleet arrives.'   
'Yay,' Beth said in a shocked voice, then she blinked. 'We'd love the company.'  
'Yeah,' Aisling agreed. 'It'll seem so dull back home if you don't drop by for a visit.'  
'Oh no, it wont be dull,' Palpatine assured them, but was slightly irritated at the speed with which they recovered. 'I promise you.'   
He moved around them and went to where a large chair had been set up. He sat on it regally, arms placed on the sides.   
Aisling started giggling, it was the exact pose that Ian MacDiarmid used in Episode Six.  
'Been to Endor recently?' she asked innocently.   
*She's been in the Classified section again* Vader fumed. They were still living down the scandal from the last time she had done that. Palpatine ignored the remark.  
'You are very brave,' he said. 'That is admirable.' He paused ominously. 'But we'll see how brave you are when the full power of the Imperial Fleet is unleashed on your weak pathetic little planet.'  
'Oh gee,' Beth said monotonously. 'Another insane megalomaniac intent on destroying the world. Oh my.'  
'Not just any world, yours.' Palpatine leaned forward slightly. 'All of your major cities will be razed from orbit, with no warning or reason given.'  
'Well if do you give warning,' Aisling commented. 'You'd be slipping, eh Palpy me lad?'   
Palpatine nodded slowly.  
'I'm so glad you see things my way,' he whispered. 'But it won't stop there, that just wouldn't be fun, would it?' He held their gaze for a moment, then continued on. 'We have developed a new toxin. It is undetectable to any and every test and it coats the very molecules of whatever solvent it is dissolved in so that it is impossible to take out. It lies dormant in the unfortunate who consumed it for a number of hours and then, when it has spread throughout the blood system, turns to acid and burns them from the inside out.' He paused again. 'That substance will be what we will use to poison every drop of water on your world.'  
'Was that one done before?' Beth asked, turning to Aisling.  
'Of course,' she answered. 'Every day for the past few thousand years, somewhere on Earth water has been deliberately poisoned.'  
'Indeed?' Palpatine asked. 'It's such a pity then, that I shall not have the chance to discover what else your world has endured. But it shall not endure the Empire. You see, there will not be one single living thing left within twenty-four hours of our arrival. There will be no troop landings, no survey teams, no specimens collected, no slaves. Everything that originated on your planet will remain on your planet and be annihilated with your planet.'  
'Patriotic to the last,' Beth said.  
'But of course,' Aisling muttered.  
'But we will not stop there,' the Emperor went on. He got up from the chair and walked slowly towards the girls. 'We will then turn our attention to the rest of your solar system.'  
'Excuse me,' Aisling interrupted, half-raising a hand. 'But wouldn't it be better to start with the solar system?' Vader and Palpatine stared at her in astonishment. 'You know, blow up the furthest planet then the next one in, then the next one and so on. Best way to really terrify the living shite outta everyone before you're even in the sector.'  
'If you're really gonna destroy a planet and solar system you may as well do it properly,' Beth added. 'Otherwise you're just messing about.'  
Palpatine looked at them, then smiled slowly in a way that made little slivers of ice tap-dance on their spines.   
'Vader,' he said. 'Take them to the machine.'  
Vader stepped forward, grabbed girls by the arm and half-dragged them to the machine where he deposited them and stepped back.   
Aisling took in the stacked boxes and things in a daze. The engineers had discovered that as long as something was even a micrometer within the matter transmitters field the entire object, or person as the case may be, was taken along for the ride. Hence the reason why most things were spilling out of the field. They had also discovered that if someone was holding onto something with their hand wrapped around it, it was also transmitted. These were but two reasons why everyone not working directly on the matter transmitter was standing at least ten feet away from it. Except for Vader, who was standing a bare half-foot from the very edge of the field.   
'Hey Aisling,' Beth muttered not bothering the various languages thing; with Vader and Palpatine around it was pointless. 'Got any plans you'd like to let me in?'  
'None,' Aisling lied. She sighed deeply. 'I can't wait to get home!'  
'Oh I know,' Beth answered, waiting for the punch line. 'I had a great time here, but now I just wanna go home.' She turned to Vader. 'You guys won't forget about us, will you?'  
'Not likely,' Vader said dryly. 'Thanks for the game by the way.'  
'No worries,' Beth said. She glared at Aisling. 'I don't need it.'  
'Hey, it's not like they have Playstations here,' Aisling pointed out.   
'Except for the one Ol' Scuba Gear commandeered.'  
'We could have gotten someone to adapt something else,' Beth snarled. Clearly this was an old argument revisited. 'Or build one altogether.'  
'Too much like hard work,' Aisling yawned.  
'You're just like Marc' *Perfect!* Aisling thought   
'God I wish I was him, it's the life sitting around all day. Only I'd like to do it somewhere differant for once'  
Beth raised an eyebrow, Aisling hated Marc with a firey passion, then like a brick to the head realisation struck  
'Yeah somewhere we've never been, but if these two destroy home it'll never happen. And oh man Sarah will kill me, she won that coke promotion for a trip to Hogwarts. I hope she's already there, although I wanna go'  
'Yeah a nice break from the mundane'   
'Somewhere that's like a differant world'  
The two sighed wistfully.  
The head engineer nodded at Palpatine who motioned at Vader. He thankfully picked both of them up with the Force and placed them at the very top of the pile of gear.  
'Hey!' Beth cried. 'We could've done it ourselves you know!'  
'Just thought I'd do the honours,' Vader replied. He nodded at Palpatine when he was again standing out of the transmitter field who nodded at the head engineer.  
'Any last words?' the Emperor asked them. Aisling looked to Beth, who nodded minutely and grinned.  
'Until we meet again,' she called. 'Long may your Lang hum.'   
'What is your destination?' Beth drew a deep breath.'HOGWARTS!!!'  
The engineer pushed the button.  
  
  
***  
Later, when the room had been cleaned up, the debris recycled and the corpses dumped, Vader and Palpatine stood in a room and tried to sort out exactly what happened.  
'Beth yelled Hogwarts,' Vader began.  
'Then Aisling yelled no,' Palpatine added.  
'And leapt forwards to get out of the field…'  
'And grabbed a lead…'  
'And Beth grabbed her and hauled her back into the field yelling something about a Draco…'  
'And then the matter transmitter transmitted…'  
'Taking all the stuff, Beth, Aisling…''And that lead…'  
'To wherever Hogwarts is…'.  
'What did that lead connect to again?'  
'The cooling safeguards on the telepathic bit.'  
'Ah yes.'  
'Which made it overheat…'  
'And explode…'  
'Which is why there are trooper and engineer corpses clogging up the recycling facilities.'  
silence.  
'Did we get the co-ordinates?'  
'No.'  
Reflective silence this time.  
'Thank Force.'  
  
*****  
Later ight, when Vader finally got to bed after properly dismantling and eradicating the last of the molten pile of slag that used to be the matter transmitter, his eye again fell on the strange parcel.   
He picked it up, brought it to a chair and opened it.  
Inside the box was a mass of pink. Pink silk. Vader reached in in bafflement and found himself holding up a set of pink silk boxer shorts,then pink thongs, Y fronts and a strange pair of pink leopard skin. The girls had gone all out, Leather underpants, fluffy ones, ones with little animal motifs and smiley faces.   
Growling he threw them back in and picked up the lid to slam it back into place. But his eye caught hold of something and he paused.  
There was a small wafer attached to the inside of the lid. Beside it was a piece of paper that had 'Play' written on it with an arrow pointing towards the wafer.  
Vader took the wafer off, closed the box and crushed it into a tiny square, which he threw into the garbage. The wafer he held in his hand, wondering if he was mad enough to find out what was on it.  
*Oh well* he thought, reaching for a datapad. *I've survived this much* He inserted the wafer into the slot in the datapad and waited.  
A tinny voice said, 'Is this thing on?' then the picture came through and Vader saw himself looking at Aisling and Beth again.   
The date in the corner of the image had the recording at three days before.  
'Hey Vader,' Aisling said. 'If you're watching this, that means you've figured out a way of either sending us home or getting rid of us entirely.'  
'What the hell did you go and say that for?' Beth hissed at her friend.   
'That's what you say at the beginning of these things. Anyway,' Aisling went on, looking back at Vader. 'The reason for this is that we have some things to say and this is to make sure that you hear them.'  
'First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, then you really need to make sure to visit the tutorial, It helps so unbeleivably. When you fight Ifrit, the first G.F, use Shiva, don't change their names it's too confusing. Now when you are on your SeeD exam in Dollet, on top of the communications tower you fight a monster, First off Draw Siren, a new G.F, she casts silence. Then well, may the force be with you. When you get back to Balamb you'll get another mission, Helping Rinoa and the forest owls.' Vader looked blankly at the datapad and realized that he should be taking notes. 'That's not too hard, but the president is a decoy so you'll have to fight. When you get off in Timber, go to the pub and talk to the drunken man, buy him a drink, Reagan. You have no major fight in the T.V. station but Seifer joins Edea the sorceress. Get the train to Galbadia Garden. When you get off the train cross the river and the garden is in the woods by the road. You'll be given a mission there. Oh yeah the lantern you got before your Timber mission, it houses a G.F, Diablos. He's handy for non elemental damage. Right head to Galbadia and go to Caraway's Mansion. You'l be told to go to The tomb of the lost king, In the tomb keep right and you'll fight the brothers, more G.F's. The I.D. was 186 for me, I don't know if it changes.' Aislings eyes were definetly glazed and vader was starting to go the same way. 'When you go back to Galbadia Squall and Irvine will have to rescue Rinoa, when you fight the lizards Edea conjures draw the G.F from them. You'll fight the sorceress and then be arrested. Okay if you escape that your team will head back to Balamb, find the headmaster, he's upstairs I think, but you have to look. When you eventully fight NORG, draw the G.F from him, Leviathan. You'll have to fight in Fisherman's Horizon but you'll find Selphie and the others there.' Vader eyed the lkist in Beths hand and wondered how much mopre there was. 'The School can fly now by the way. You'll go back to Balamb now and fight Fujin and Ragin, draw Pandemonia in the fight, then head to Trabia where you'll find out a load of important stuff. When you leave there you'll find Galbadia Garden and fight the school, If's flying as well. In Galbadia Garden you'll be able to get Cereubus, a G.F and when you fight Edea draw Alexander. Then go to Edea's house and there'll be a big talk. And well that's how far I got before we came here. Also you'll have to play dream sequences, there confusing but short. Well enjoy the game.' There was silence for a moment as Aisling woke back up again and it dawned on Vader that Beth had just given him a mine of information.  
'Second,' Aisling said, when she was coherent enough to continue. 'I don't know if you know this yet, even though you should by now.'  
'Oh so now you're telling a Sith Lord his job?' Beth commented. Aisling swatted absentmindedly at her.  
'No, but he finds out about two months after the Battle of Yavin and it's been nearly that now. So I'll tell you,' she went on turning back to the cam.   
'Are you sure it hasn't been longer?' Beth asked, perplexed.  
'I'm sure, it's been seven weeks since he showed up at my uncles place and that was no more than two days after the Battle of Yavin. I checked the logs.'  
'When was the Battle of Yavin again?'  
'When the Rebels blew up the Death Star as it orbited Yavin. Or more correctly,' she said, looking at the cam again.   
'One Rebel blew up the Death Star.' Vader leaned closer, was she going to tell him what he thought she was going to tell him?  
'Are you sure it's only been seven weeks? It seems longer.'  
'Yes I know but it's been seven weeks. Now…'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Beth!'  
'Alright, alright I'll shut up and let you spill the beans.'  
'Bloody finally.' Aisling rolled her eyes and seemed to look Vader in the eye. 'After all that, drama seems a bit much, eh?' She smiled. 'So I'll tell you straight out.'   
She paused and Vader wanted to throttle her for the delay. 'The name of the pilot who blew up the Death Star is Luke Skywalker.'  
Vader stared at the datapad in stunned shock. He couldn't believe his ears. Could it be true?  
'Yeah that's gotta be a kick in the teeth,' Beth was saying. 'Finding out that the son you didn't even know you had by a woman you thought was dead for twenty years grew up on a planet you haven't gone back to for twenty-five years then went behind your back to join an organization you've been trying to eradicate for some five to ten years. Some news to take huh?' She turned to Aisling. 'And you shagged him.'  
\Aisling said nothing to this, just stared at out of the screen as if she was really watching the Sith Lord come to grips with the information that he now had a son who was a Rebel.  
'You're probably wondering how we know he's your son,' she said after a while.   
Vader looked at the image *How do they know my old name?!* he wondered.   
'Anakin.'  
'Ooh, can I say it?' Beth asked her friend, who nodded. 'Yay!' She came over all serious and stared at the cam and into the Sith eyes. 'We know who you are, Anakin Skywalker.' She giggled.   
'Twenty six, by the way,' Aisling said. 'He hasn't gone back to Tatooine in twenty-six years, unless he does in Episode Three. And he thinks Padme has been dead for about eighteen or nineteen years.'  
'How do you know that?'   
*How the HELL does she know THAT?!*  
'Luke is eighteen,' she replied with a shrug. 'If it was twenty years, he wouldn't be his son, would he now?'  
'What was the next thing we had to say?' Beth asked, looking down at the list again. 'I think we may have become sidetracked.'  
'Something about Padme wasn't it?' Aisling glanced at the list. 'Oh yeah, right.' She looked back up at the cam. 'Padme isn't dead.'  
'She isn't, dead?' Vader whispered.  
'The Emperor told you that she had been killed by the Rebels, yes? Showed you a body?' Aisling shook her head, grinning slyly. 'Modified genes and appearance. That was one of her handmaidens who got caught in the crossfire. Palpatine altered the DNA samples and gave her the wrong name.'  
'She isn't dead?!'   
'She escaped the fight and went into hiding on Nkllon, or in Nkllon rather,' she corrected. 'That whole business of u-v light intensity, remember?'  
'She isn't dead,' Vader ground out.   
'She hid there until,' there was a slight skip, which Vader, in his distraction, didn't even notice.   
'Luke was born and then went from planet to planet.' She looked straight at the cam and Vader had the eerie sensation that she really could see him. 'Where she is, I will not tell you and I've wiped the records that told me.' She smiled coldly. 'We've told you enough.'  
'You just carry on as normal,' Beth said, a small smirk curling her lips. 'Just remember what Palpy did and you'll get on fine.'  
'The last thing we have to tell you,' Aisling said, her voice brisk and professional. Like she didn't just turn his entire existence for the last twenty years upside down. 'Is that things will work out. You'll get your revenge and your son.'  
'And just a little bit more than you bargain for besides,' Beth giggled.   
'Just be your usual Sithly self.' Aisling laughed. 'And things will be fine.'  
'Don't forget us,' Beth said, waving goodbye. 'We wont forget you.'  
'Bye Ani,' Aisling murmured and reached up.   
The image went into fuzz as the recording ended.   
Vader watched it in a shocked daze for a few moments before switching it off. There was silence for a few moments.the datapad flew through the air- after carefully removing the wafer of course- and smashed into the wall.   
Vader got up and stormed out of the apartment.  
He had things to do.  
  
THE END………………………………………  
  
okay, here is where you put away the tissues, dry your eyes, cease the tantrums and read carefully. It has to do with the sequel. Yes I admit it! There IS a sequel! But I'm not writing it, Jay-Cee and a friend of ours are, so review and all that to her not me! She's got about three chapters done now cos of this chappie going up so late so there shouldnt be any delay. It's called, "Two Lunatics in Hogwarts" and will be under Jay-Cee in the Harry Potter section, obv! Original name huh? *smirk* Warning however, Jay-cee and Sarah when they get together are ten times as bonkers as I am and they dont bother censoring, ANYTHING!! (warning they smoke curse and drink, a lot.)  
  
Well, this is it, Two Lunatics and Sith Lord is finished!  
*looks dazed* what will I do with my time now?!  
  
bye!! 


End file.
